Cheers, bitches...

So...I started a post earlier tonight that was fueled by bullshit I never normally engage in. I'm pretty passive by nature. It's just kind of engrained in my genetics. After thinking about it some, I decided this was a much more uplifting and worth-my-effort expenditure of energy and brilliance.

So, here is a list of people and things I live for, in no particular order.

Emma Lou, thank you for being so wonderfully thoughtful, even though seldom towards me, but when you pulled grandma's garbage cans in the other day, without anyone ever asking or expecting you to, my heart melted and I knew you are learning the good I try to teach you in life. You are a sweet, sweet, girl. I love you with every fiber of my being, sweet one.

Ryan, my little terrorist. Thank you for crying the other night when I explained to you how you were scaring our new little kitten. I now know you not only have an incredible sweet spot and are not pure evil, but I also know, you are listening when mommy talks. At least sometimes and maybe when it's important. Keep being sweet. Keep listening. Keep learning. Never doubt yourself because you have so much potential. I love you with my whole heart, little man.

Logan Michael, my precious little minion. Thank you for always letting me know you're hungry. because if you didn't, I would definitely forget to feed you 3 square meals and at least 3 snacks every day. Thank you for recognizing love in it's most horrifying forms (X3). Thank you for loving me more than hot dogs. You're a close second to coffee, but I mean very close. A pubic hair away. I love you more than peanut butter on a spoon.

Sexiest Man Alive. Thank you for supporting me in everything I do. For never giving me the response I want to hear, but always what I need. For being the best source of laughter, love and pure joy anyone could ever hope for. You are so important to me. I hope you know that and know how happy you make me. I truly hate your face, baby.

Mom. Thank you for always being a source of inspiration. You make me want to be a better person and never fail to remind me of where I came from and who I am. Thank you for being THE BEST grandmother any child could ever ask for. I honestly believe "Grandma" is who you were meant to be. You remind me of the 2 grandmothers I had (have) and my kids couldn't be luckier. Thank you fer keeping God in their lives. Thank you for keeping Granny in their lives. Thank you for keeping dad's memory alive in their minds. Thank you for loving me no matter how much I don't love myself at times.

All the rest of you fuckers that read my blog, support me through social media or somehow believe my life is a glorious display of folly on blast. I do appreciate your posts to my timeline, your comments on how fucking hilarious you think I am and your continued support of me fucking up my kids royally by being me. Honestly, you assholes are such gems.

Keep it classy.

"Tomorrow" is my 30th birthday. I put that in quotes because I am actually writing this on February 14th, a whole 6 months left in my 20s. I am sitting at TSMA's house after a few hours of drinking listening to him play his guitar upstairs. I am angry with my job, my life and the lack of progress I think I've made in my 29 years. I am sad because it disappoints me. I am broken because I think I disappoint my kids.

In any event, this song rings true as it always has, and especially now because, well, 29 and you'd think I'd know better, living like I do...



Time won't stand by forever if I know it's true
And I've learned not to say never
Or else I'll seem the fool
Twenty-nine you'd think I'd know better
Living like a kid
When my lies may seem less than clever
Is when I fall for it
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Some rides don't have much of a finish
That's the ride I took
Through good and bad and straight through indifference
Without a second look
There's no intentions worthy of mention
If we never try
So hang your hopes on rusted-out hinges
Take 'em for a ride
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Only time will tell...

Another Top 5 Shuffle...Without links because I'm too drunk for that shit.

5. Right Through You- Alanis
4. Sexxy Back- J.T.
3. Future DaysFutureDays- Pealr Jam
2. Cheatin- Gin Blossoms
1. She Loves You- Gaslight Anthem

sooooooo....mommas...feeling...

So....I had a...odd weekend. And I won't chronicle it here, because...trust me, you'd want to laugh, cry, cheer loudly and then shoot yourself in the face with lots of tequila. But what it's come down to tonight, is me sinking very quickly into that wonderfully black place I tend to get stuck in on occasion. So, in light of recognizing that and trying to avoid it, I decided to make a list of things I love about me. Things I actually, really LOVE about me. Little, sad, dark, sometimes pathetically both of those things...me. SOOOOO, hold on to your butts. Here I go...and in no order, other than things that are occurring to me as I type...

1-I love Mario. And I love it for A LOT of reasons. It gives me something to do when no one else is around. My kids LOVE watching me play which is fun because we actually bond over it. It brings back memories, that give me joy, of my childhood with my dad and siblings. OH! TSMA's dad also LOVES Mario. And while TSMA, his kids and his father may not enjoy my passionately based vocabulary over the game, I love that I can bond with someone who is so important in the life of a person that is...infinitely important in mine.

2-I know that an ellipsis's is THREE...dots...

3-I have an AWESOME ability to appreciate the interests and loves of people. Honestly, it is quite selfish because, I pray that I take something worth while or meaningful or I'll gain knowledge from doing so. EXAMPLE: Anyone I have EVER wanted to delete from social media accounts and HAVEN'T BECAUSE I feel their retardedness (yep, I'm coining that one. Pay up, bitches) is making me SMARTER. Or, the fact that...oh nevermind...where I was going is another thing I love about me. So, keep reading. I'm worth it.

4-Let's talk music. I listen to EVERYTHING. Well, that's a lie, because for the most part, I CANNOT stand country. But, occasionally, what all of you call "country" I will enjoy, on a purely lyrical basis. for instance, there is a song by someone or some band called Lady Antebellum that my kids love. Also, Hootie turned country. While his music annoys me, I still love the lyrics. AND, I mean honestly...I am me and choose what I like, but I have been influenced by every man I've dated. I love Zepplin because of my ex-husband. I love Chris Cornell because of the first man I dated after  him. I liked Pearl Jam before, because of my dad, but I LOVE Eddie because of TSMA and I can honestly say, I love them more than someone who has only been exposed on a...proxy-like...???...basis, BECAUSE, my GUY, also plays them on his guitar for me, and for himself, really, but I DO get to hear it and I fucking love it. SO...By the by, I am grinding, alone, in my kitchen to Hurt Like Mine...Black Keys

5-I can mother fucking cook. I can.

6-I understand apartment living and I know this because I have not lynched anyone that may be deserving. Done.

7-I am horribly, wonderfully, incriminatingly, beautifully, forgivingly and forever thoughtful. I am thoughtful. It's an awful fault but wonderful beauty of who I am. I really don't have much to say about it...or maybe I do, but only because I feel my being that way has set an expectation for anyone I know.

 I enjoy doing little things for people. People I love, people I don't know...for instance, I love buying coffee for the person behind me in line at Starbucks. I do it every other time I'm there. I LOVE when I go for a pedicure and take my daughter with me as a surprise. I love When my ex shows up to get the kids and I have a Monster waiting for him, and I CANNOT FUCKING STAND that man, anymore. I have, in the last week, set the coffee pot for The Sexiest Man Alive and set out a mug, with sugar and a spoon, waiting for him. I really get off on doing thoughtful things for others. It may be my supreme weakness because I think I have set an expectation for what I want from others. Those consistent little things. I haven't met anyone that does that. I could go on that subject...probably forever. People annoy me in that way. I really don't see it as anything other than being decent. And, you know, doing things that matter for the people you love. I just....it really bothers me when people miss THAT.

8-I love caffeine. And bacon. And if you bring me both without my asking, you win. You win more if you're the man I love and do that, duplicitly, and also give me sex. I'm easy to please.

9-I am loyal.

10-I'm...me. I'm real. I accept my flaws, mourn them and embrace them on a regular fucking, sad basis.

11-Bottom line is, I am, without question, worth knowing. If any of you, sad, shallow, shells of humans are still following my shit...delete me. Please. You're doing yourself a favor. My awesome is too much for you to handle.


So, there is me. Tooting my own horn, slobbing my own knob and not caring if you come...me. Sadly, I've gotten back to that place. I'll crawl out of it. But in the mean time, I'm just going to feel it. because lets face it...I do that best.

Soooo...A Top 5 Shuffle...For AWESOME Times...

So...in spite of....or possibly BECAUSE of, the truly...shitastic, horrible, awesome, wonderful place things have taken a well...needed...I guess...turn to...I decided it was time for a top 5 SHUFFLE!

So here you go!

5. State of Grace-Billy Joel
4. Lightning Bolt-Pearl Jam (sadly I couldn't find a link for this video, but here's the lyrics)
3. Not the Doctor-Alanis
2. Look Away-Hootie
1. Wishlist-Pearl Jam

And I guess that's why Pandora owns me.

I have taken a place in life lately where I feel very...engaged, I guess, in certain aspects but in others I am more disengaged than I have ever been in anything that's ever been a part of me.

When it comes to my children, I am making choices and strides every day in an attempt to make them exemplary members of the human race. Everything I do really comes down to that one goal alone. Any of you single parents out there get that, I suppose. I look at that term, too, "single parent" very loosely. Their father is also a "single parent", though I believe he has never encompassed the requirements of that on himself. He found a replacement family. One that he believes replaces myself and everything he knew. He has never lived on his own. He's never provided for our children by  himself. He may make that pathetic child support payment every month, but he's never balanced a job, being a parent, being an ex-spouse, co-parent, single man...ever. He went from his parent's home where his mother did his laundry to my house where I took on that role and after me went back to his mother's home and then into that of yet another woman that takes care of him and his children when I am not available to do so because I am focused on developing a career to support them financially in the way he did when we were married.

When it comes to my personal life, I sadly don't even have the required strength any more to be a good partner to any one. I guess that's why this thing I am doing now works. He requires nothing but mutual respect from me. That I can do. While it bothered me for a long while that he was that way, I have only come to see I am the same way. It truly saddens me at times because I would love to be so much more for him. I just can't even think about doing that right now. I try and I treat him with the utmost respect and funnily enough I have fallen in love with this man that gives me exactly the same respect. I guess, really, I don't find that sad at all. I actually find that perfect. And I hate to use that word, but us having lives and personal bullshit and respect for one another has actually been the most perfect thing I could have ever found. I love that we continue to be together and figure out our own shit individually but knowing that the other is there for anything one of us may need. How is that not the most perfect situation? Someday, we may have to address those things, but that only means we're growing and continuing to be honest with one another. I count my blessings with that man every day. I got lucky when I met him. I pray we continue to grow as individuals, as friends, as a couple. People don't get that lucky every day.

I hate my job. I want better hours, less stress. I can make the same money. It kind of pays the bills. Mostly, anyway. But I never see my kids. Not the way I believe is essential to raising them. So, I am working that out. I'll do whatever it takes to be home with them more. They need me and respectively, I need them more. Those monkeys of mine make my life worth living, which I am sure is something every parent feels. I just want the opportunity to be better for them and to allow their amazing personalities to make me better. I cannot do that with this job.

So here I am. But, you know, life has a funny way of working out.

Because Sometimes, I Remind Myself Of Me...

I had an agenda for a post when I booted up my laptop tonight. Between it's reluctance to start up and everything that is annoying the ever living shit out of me tonight, I have zero desire to write about any of that. What I do know, is these are the things I am thinking right now

I can cook. Well. And without thinking about it.

I hate 50 Shades Of Grey. One of the worst examples of any writing I have had the right to read. Disgraceful. I could write a post on that alone. All I will say at this point is, if you're a fan, ponder this- how does something as CLICHE and non engaging as that crap get past a decent editor and publisher and become one of the most hyped books of the last 5 years? Talent? Non-existent there.

I have the most amazing life right now, no matter how I look at it. I am employed. I am progressing daily in my job, My superiorers recognize that. My employees recognize that. My children recognize that. The man I am with recognizes that.

I have a favorite Pearl Jam album and I don't know how TSMA would feel about it, but I love it as if it were something I wrote myself.

Where the fuck did I sit my beer (my first and last of the evening)???

How is it someone could be cursed with all the maladies I possess on a physical level? That isn't even a question. Huge tits, tiny waist, belly destroyed by having babies so quickly in succession. And feet like Sasquatch. Shopping is IMPOSSIBLE.

With having made previous posts like Shit That Reminds You Of Me, I have created an online following that berates me daily with ecards, pinterest finds and random other crap in an attempt to be published here on this rant of a journal someone in the technological world allows me to deem a blog. It's sad. I might be smug, sarcastic, humorous and find the glitter ridden silver lining of every cloud that passes, but I am NOT the person these people assume they know me to be. I find it discouraging and saddening.

Seriously. Where the fuck is my beer?

How did I ever think I loved the man I married? How does he love the woman he is with now? HOW does she love him? And how does really of that not matter when I look at the man I first realized what love was? And how does he get off so easily doing that to me without trying?

These are the things that keep me awake at night, people. These are the boring things my mind races with. Though, I suppose 'boring' is the most relative of terms. I try to look at them from a reader's perspective. They're boring. To me they're reminiscently thrilling. Some of them spark that woman I know I am. Some of them remind me of the past I wish I'd never lived. Some of them remind me why I have that past. More often than not, I am struck by the thought that I have a future and I have grown and it has all been by my own accord. And I can continue to do that, at my leisure. I have a choice. I have MANY choices. And with every day that ends, I've made them myself.