I realized something a couple of months ago that I, for whatever reason, have tried to ignore. I don't know if it's because I'm...afraid...of what it might mean or if its because I thought it was too good to be true or if it was because I was hoping I was wrong. Either way, what I know after the last couple of months of thinking this and waiting to see if it disappeared, or if I was wrong, is that...well...I wasn't.
I can remember, from the time I was very young, always having this feeling in the deepest parts of my soul that I was unsatisfied with life. The only way I have ever really been able to describe it is as a 'restlessness'. There was always something I felt in my heart that was just...off. I felt it with my ex-husband for...most of our relationship, really. I felt it with the man I dated after him, and I always shared that with him. I've felt it whenever I have been alone. Something was always just...off.
What I realized in the last couple of months is that the restless feeling that has always been so present in my heart and so persistent in influencing my thoughts, has disappeared. I didn't even know it had happened until it just...occurred to me that I hadn't felt that way in a really long time.
I think I know why all those demons I always felt right below the surface have left. I think that's why it scares me so much. I thought that someday I would find someone and once I did those feelings would disappear. I've had men in my life tell me that would never change; that there wasn't anyone on this planet that could affect me enough and dig a place deep enough in my heart for me to emotionally, mentally and physically be okay with who I am and how I feel. That no matter what, I was destined to be 'restless, unloved and unhappy'. Sadly, I believed that was true.
I am afraid to divulge too much about how all of this makes me feel because in all honesty, it scares the shit out of me and also because I feel like if I blink or believe, it will all disappear. I'm still afraid to put myself out there; to become vulnerable. I still believe in 'guarding my heart because all life flows through it'. I still believe people can turn out to be everything you never thought they would and can throw the love you felt so deeply away and never even pause to think about the way in which they've hurt you.
So, I don't know...I am still processing all of this over the months I've felt it, but...I know something big has changed in the deepest parts of who I have always been...a good change. I just hope its here to stay. I guess maybe that's how it happens, though. I think these things come at a time when you really never thought they would, a time when you weren't prepared, weren't looking and were set on just living your life in a constant state of disappointment and settling for less than you wanted. And then one day someone walks in and sits down at the bar and your world...shifts...into a place that is exactly what you always hoped it would be.
I'm afraid to even click the 'publish' link and make all these thoughts known to the very small population that reads my blog. Somehow doing that is like saying something and then having to knock on wood after doing so. But I guess that's the risk we take with any matter of the heart. No matter the walls we build and the ways we try to reinforce them, someone, at some point in time, will knock them down and leave you breathless. This isn't always a bad thing.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Sooooo...This Is Another Post Lacking Direction Where I Think I Maybe Said Something Mildly Intriguing And Possibly Profound...
Soooooo...I had a pretty terrible day today. I won't go into the details as to why it was so terrible, but I will tell you it started out gross and disgusting and required laundry to be done that I didn't have time for, what with 3 kids to get to school and a job to be at. And then it didn't get much better. And I cried, from a very real place, not that this-sucks-and-I-didn't-get-my-way kind of cry, but the real kind that sort of rocks you, exhausts you and then leaves you barely breathing kind of cry. And then after a 10 hour shift at work, I had to drive another 20 minutes for a hair appointment I was more than due for. The whole way there I didn't want to go. I was thinking about the laundry and the kids I wasn't going to see when I got home and the way our lives are going to change in the next few months.
I knew TSMA was going to come over and wait for me to get home tonight, because he's awesome like that and we really don't ask a whole lot out of each other. We really do spend every available moment together, which more times than not is spent with his or my children because we are both parents and both our lives revolve around that and the people they are becoming.
So I asked him last night if he would please be here when I got home tonight, at my house, because I knew this appointment would run late and I know we both have early mornings. But I gave him a key recently in hopes he would utilize it on nights like this. I also asked him something very uncharacteristic of our relationship and that was to take the laundry from my washing machine that I needed, so desperately needed in order to crawl in bed tonight, and put it in the dryer because between 5:30am when I woke up and 10pm when I finally returned home, I simply didn't have time to do it.
After coming in the door tonight after such a horrible day (I cried, a lot today, at work no less) and finding him burrowed in my couch watching a movie, I walked in and plopped my ass straight on his lap. I laid there for a few minutes before moving and neither of us spoke. After I extricated myself from the comfort of his embrace and tiredly pulled on my sweats and returned to my nook in his lap he spoke. He told me he knew my day had been horrible and he wasn't downplaying that, but for as horrible as mine had been, his equaled it. So I listened to him tell me the things that so rightfully had broken his heart today. Mine broke with his. He was right, so right...and then as life has a cruel way of expressing the fact that we as individuals are not appreciated, told me how his day was shattered and how his feelings for the thing he cares most about was dismissed and brushed under a rug and all in the name of selfishness, and possibly a slight bit of something resembling naivety.
After we talked, I asked if he had put the laundry I so needed in the dryer for me. He was silent for a half a second and said, no. He hadn't. I told him it was ok and he apologized and I said there wasn't a need to. I changed the loads and returned to the couch and he said he was a total ass, or some more intelligent synonym of that, and I told him he wasn't, not to worry about it, it really wasn't a big deal.
And then I had an epiphany of sorts.
Had he been any other man I have ever had a romantic relationship I would have been upset. I would have shut down, blown up or walked away with disappointment. Why didn't I do that with him? I have known this man not even a year, but I know him on a level that no past relationship has even ever compared to. He treats me better than any human being I have ever known. He supports me, he loves me (in the generic sense of the word), he genuinely wants to see me do well and he does NOTHING but build me up. He does so much of that, that when he occasionally has a complaint or observation and criticism of me that I may not respond well to, I take it for what it is and try to grow into a better person.
The realization I had is that if you spend enough time loving someone, and I mean really loving them-not the romantic, lust driven emotion so many people mistake as love, but actually love someone, that those few occasions when you don't come through on something like switching loads of laundry...they won't even be a conversation, much less a fight.
I guess my point, and I do have one, is simple: people spend way too much time worrying about things that really don't matter. More so, I gained even more insight and respect into this thing he and I are doing. I learn more and more each day, with every hour we have together (and really, yes, one could measure the time we are awake and interacting with one another in hours). Each morning he leaves me after a cup of coffee and a smoke, I walk back inside feeling like that part of my heart that has been empty and restless my entire life, is a little bit more full. If you know me at all you know how terrifying that is for me.
I am so indescribably happy this man is a part of my life. He has redefined my idea of a very basic emotion and feeling that people, as a general population, have tried to define throughout the existence of human kind.
All I really know is how happy I am that I met him. I look forward to whatever time I have getting to know him better. He makes my heart happy.
I knew TSMA was going to come over and wait for me to get home tonight, because he's awesome like that and we really don't ask a whole lot out of each other. We really do spend every available moment together, which more times than not is spent with his or my children because we are both parents and both our lives revolve around that and the people they are becoming.
So I asked him last night if he would please be here when I got home tonight, at my house, because I knew this appointment would run late and I know we both have early mornings. But I gave him a key recently in hopes he would utilize it on nights like this. I also asked him something very uncharacteristic of our relationship and that was to take the laundry from my washing machine that I needed, so desperately needed in order to crawl in bed tonight, and put it in the dryer because between 5:30am when I woke up and 10pm when I finally returned home, I simply didn't have time to do it.
After coming in the door tonight after such a horrible day (I cried, a lot today, at work no less) and finding him burrowed in my couch watching a movie, I walked in and plopped my ass straight on his lap. I laid there for a few minutes before moving and neither of us spoke. After I extricated myself from the comfort of his embrace and tiredly pulled on my sweats and returned to my nook in his lap he spoke. He told me he knew my day had been horrible and he wasn't downplaying that, but for as horrible as mine had been, his equaled it. So I listened to him tell me the things that so rightfully had broken his heart today. Mine broke with his. He was right, so right...and then as life has a cruel way of expressing the fact that we as individuals are not appreciated, told me how his day was shattered and how his feelings for the thing he cares most about was dismissed and brushed under a rug and all in the name of selfishness, and possibly a slight bit of something resembling naivety.
After we talked, I asked if he had put the laundry I so needed in the dryer for me. He was silent for a half a second and said, no. He hadn't. I told him it was ok and he apologized and I said there wasn't a need to. I changed the loads and returned to the couch and he said he was a total ass, or some more intelligent synonym of that, and I told him he wasn't, not to worry about it, it really wasn't a big deal.
And then I had an epiphany of sorts.
Had he been any other man I have ever had a romantic relationship I would have been upset. I would have shut down, blown up or walked away with disappointment. Why didn't I do that with him? I have known this man not even a year, but I know him on a level that no past relationship has even ever compared to. He treats me better than any human being I have ever known. He supports me, he loves me (in the generic sense of the word), he genuinely wants to see me do well and he does NOTHING but build me up. He does so much of that, that when he occasionally has a complaint or observation and criticism of me that I may not respond well to, I take it for what it is and try to grow into a better person.
The realization I had is that if you spend enough time loving someone, and I mean really loving them-not the romantic, lust driven emotion so many people mistake as love, but actually love someone, that those few occasions when you don't come through on something like switching loads of laundry...they won't even be a conversation, much less a fight.
I guess my point, and I do have one, is simple: people spend way too much time worrying about things that really don't matter. More so, I gained even more insight and respect into this thing he and I are doing. I learn more and more each day, with every hour we have together (and really, yes, one could measure the time we are awake and interacting with one another in hours). Each morning he leaves me after a cup of coffee and a smoke, I walk back inside feeling like that part of my heart that has been empty and restless my entire life, is a little bit more full. If you know me at all you know how terrifying that is for me.
I am so indescribably happy this man is a part of my life. He has redefined my idea of a very basic emotion and feeling that people, as a general population, have tried to define throughout the existence of human kind.
All I really know is how happy I am that I met him. I look forward to whatever time I have getting to know him better. He makes my heart happy.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
So today I looked at my Facebook homepage thingy screen or whatever its called. And I must confess that if any random douche canoe fell upon and thought to themselves, "Hey!? Who the fuck is this Katelynn Patterson Barrett chic?" (not that anyone would, but I am thinking in the aspects of me being the epitome of awesome tonight so fuck you guys and your bullshit) they would see my home screen (or WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS CALLED) and make their assumptions.
"She has 3 kids...she must love them a lot...they're her cover photo."
"She's stunningly gorgeous and can't see for shit, what with those Coke bottle glasses plastered to her mug."
"Oh I'd like to bang that female, but alas, she has the arm of the sexiest man I have ever seen living slung around her shoulder. Bummer, dudes."
"Oh look! Bitch graduated high school, lives relatively close to there and works for a living now. Bitch is fucking smart as hell, loves her family and appreciates the little things in life."
"Divorced?? Who the fuck is that sexy beast in her profile picture? Bitch has 3 kids....boyfriend that rivals Brad Pitt in looks and Stephan Hawking in intelligence....da fuuuuk?...OH! She must have realized life was more than the ups and downs of everyday life, left her husband, got with a dude that treats her AND her kids right and got right with LIFE."
And you know what? I think that would be an incredibly right assumption, based on this...
"She has 3 kids...she must love them a lot...they're her cover photo."
"She's stunningly gorgeous and can't see for shit, what with those Coke bottle glasses plastered to her mug."
"Oh I'd like to bang that female, but alas, she has the arm of the sexiest man I have ever seen living slung around her shoulder. Bummer, dudes."
"Oh look! Bitch graduated high school, lives relatively close to there and works for a living now. Bitch is fucking smart as hell, loves her family and appreciates the little things in life."
"Divorced?? Who the fuck is that sexy beast in her profile picture? Bitch has 3 kids....boyfriend that rivals Brad Pitt in looks and Stephan Hawking in intelligence....da fuuuuk?...OH! She must have realized life was more than the ups and downs of everyday life, left her husband, got with a dude that treats her AND her kids right and got right with LIFE."
And you know what? I think that would be an incredibly right assumption, based on this...
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Love will come through.
If I told you a secret you won't tell a soul
Will you hold it and keep it alive
'Cause it's burning a hole and I can't get to sleep
And I can't live alone in this life
Will you hold it and keep it alive
'Cause it's burning a hole and I can't get to sleep
And I can't live alone in this life
So look up, take it away
Don't look down the mountain
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow
Don't look down the mountain
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow
So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
And you stand at the crossroads of highroads and low roads
And I've got a feeling it's right
If it's real what I'm feeling and there's no make believing
The sound of the wings of the flight
And I've got a feeling it's right
If it's real what I'm feeling and there's no make believing
The sound of the wings of the flight
Of a dove, take it away
Don't look down the mountain
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow
Don't look down the mountain
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow
So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
Oh, look up, take it away
Don't look down
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything and anyhow
Don't look down
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything and anyhow
So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
Love will come through
Read more: Travis - Love Will Come Through Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Friday, August 9, 2013
TWM...There Are A Few Things Worth Holding On To...
"It's an event- big or small...something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope...a new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories...Whats important is that we never stop believing that we can have a new beginning. But its also important to remember that amid all the crap, are a few things worth holding on to." -Meredith
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