TWM...There Are A Few Things Worth Holding On To...

"It's an event- big or small...something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope...a new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories...Whats important is that we never stop believing that we can have a new beginning. But its also important to remember that amid all the crap, are a few things worth holding on to." -Meredith

#TWM...Change...

Change is a funny thing. Not everyone can handle it. It can sneak up on you. Things aren't what they use to be. Your whole world is transformed. You realize the ground beneath you has shifted. Things are uncertain. And there's no turning back. The world around you is different now. Unrecognizable and there's nothing you can do about it. You're sick. The future staring you in the face and you're not sure you like what you see. Like I said; I'm not big into change. -Alex Karev

Still amazes me, surprisingly, how accurately this show continues to fit my life. It's February. We all know how I feel about February...

TWM...Accepting What Is...

"It can be scary to find out you've been wrong about something. But we can't be afraid to change our minds, to accept that things are different...that they'll never be the same-for better or for worse. We have to be willing to give up what we use to believe. The more we're willing to accept what is and not what we thought...we'll find ourselves exactly where we belong." -Meredith

I came home today and there was little trace that you'd ever even existed as a part of my life. Your shelf was cleaned out in the closet. All the piles of your laundry were missing from the stacks that were scattered on the floor. No one would ever notice, but I knew they were gone. There's an empty spot on the top shelf of my closet where your Guitar Hero instruments had sat. I walked into the bathroom and the drawer that had your toothbrush, hair product and cologne were gone. Seeing your things gone struck me in a way that made me inhale and quickly catch my breath. In that moment I caught a whiff of your cologne. And it made my heart hurt. I walked back into my bedroom and looked around. I saw my robe laying on my bed, just as I'd left it. I looked at it and wondered if you'd even picked it up to smell the collar, which I know holds the scent of my shampoo and perfume, or was exiting my life easy for you? I looked at my pillow hoping you'd left whatever tshirt you'd been wearing when you cleared your things from my home so that I could sleep in it. Smell it. Close my eyes and imagine you here. But you hadn't. Suddenly I felt so exhausted, alone and vulnerable. I unzipped my jeans, slid them off and grabbed a blanket off the couch. I buried my face into a pillow and slept for three hours this afternoon, in a ball, on my couch. When I awoke it was dark outside and as I blinked the distorted figures around me into focus, I found myself looking for you.

This isn't easy for me. I know it's right, right now, but it certainly isn't easy. And I hope it isn't as easy for you as you make it look. To think I meant anything less than everything to you after all you said breaks my heart. I hope, too, that if we do come to be again in the future, that we can be the best versions of ourselves for each other.

I just saw your key laying by the door. The exhaustion I felt earlier is back. My body aches and the last thing I want to do is crawl into my bed without you tonight. I feel like you don't even notice I'm missing.

#TWM...Letting Go...

"It's one of those things that people say, you can't move on until you let go of the past. Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes we fight it, try and keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let go. Move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow." -Meredith

Attitude...

There are all different kinds of people in this world. There are people that know what they want and are satisfied once they have it. Then there are people that think they know what they want, get it, and need more. Their wants change. Or shift. The perpetually unsatisfied, as I call them. I am of the later of the two. I got married, wanted kids, had three, was a stay-at-home-mom for 6 years, decided I had made some mistakes, took the steps to correct those mistakes and move on.

Now I am a single mom of three intelligent, funny, kind, caring, beautiful kids that, even when behaving like total asses, are the center of my universe. I now work 2 jobs outside my home. I have a man that is interested in me (and no, people, I am not ANY where near ready for anything like that. Fuck. I am still married and to a man that despite his complete failure to satisfy my needs as my husband, still holds-and most likely always will-a small piece of my heart). I've gone from being with my kids nearly 24/7, with the exception of the 2 nights a week and every other weekend they're with their daddy, to seeing them only evenings. And yes, that will change in a few weeks. While I finished training for Job1, I started training for Job2. So I am now juggling regular shifts at Job1 with the 6 day, 6 hour days, training schedule at Job2. Once training for Job2 is completed, I will only be working there 1 day a week and then working 5-6 shifts at Job1. Pair all that with the 3 kids' school schedules, finding care between their dad and my mom's work schedules and having time to feel like an individual for 5 minutes is a full time job in itself. Fuck me. Even writing about it all is exhausting.

I knew I needed change. I am happy with the changes I have made in my life. I am, for the first time in my 27+ years, hopeful for the possibility of happiness in my future. I think I now know why. For a long time I was the definition of a 'pessimist'. Then I changed. I am not entirely sure when, or how, or why. I just know I did. I kept my cynical way of viewing the world. I lost the pessimism though. I know that may be confusing. I like to think of myself as a 'cynical optimist' (yeah, I bet you like that. I coined that shit and don't forget it!). There is a sign that hangs at Job2 in 2 different places (I should probably mention that Job2 is a job I held for nearly 2 years from the time I was 18 until I was 20. Also, both of my jobs are serving positions at well known chain restaurants) and the part of this sign that has always stuck out to me reads this, "We cannot change our past. We cannot change that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have and that is our attitude." This struck me particularly hard today, for some reason.

I know the life I have chosen is once again the more difficult path. I just think some of us are cut that way. Molded to do better with harder. After all, not every woman (or man) possesses sheballs like mine. Not everyone can adapt to change easily and not everyone craves it like I do. God cut me from a different cloth, I think. And I know, and firmly believe that He will never give me more than I can handle.

Too Late To Wait...

And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slip now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me
-Alexi Murdoch

The above are lyrics to a song from my favorite movie (or one of many), Away We Go. There is a wonderfully sentimental story I could tell you about the first time I watched this movie, alone and sobbing. Then immediately watched it again with Husband when he arrived home late that night and again, sobbed. All you really need to know is it is a movie that speaks to my heart and will forever be a favorite of mine. It is one of those movies that is made even better by a lyrically fabulous soundtrack. The lyrics posted above are ones that from that very first viewing stuck in my head.

I always felt like I was falling behind. Behind everyone. My husband, my family, my peers, co-workers, friends...everyone. That I never really fit in with any of them because I was someone that lived with her heart on her sleeve. I felt everything, right there, on the surface. I was emotional. Passionate. I have become much more guarded over the years for various reasons. There is a very thick wall around my heart and I have no intentions of ever letting anyone break through it.

I use to pray, constantly, to God to please, please not let my husband ever leave me if I fell behind him. If I wasn't enough for him. If I became too depressed, too scared, too broken to be everything I felt he wanted me to be. "Please," I would plead, "please just let him wait for me. Wait until I can be who he wants. Don't let him stop loving me." When I came to the realization that I would never be the woman he wanted me to be and that he would never be the man I wanted him to be, it never even occurred to me that maybe, MAYBE over the years he DID see himself failing me as a man. As my husband. Maybe he was pleading, in his own way, for me to wait for him. For him to change. For him to learn to love me the way my heart needs to be loved.

Of course if he did he never communicated those wishes to me. Ever. That is one area I think he will never quite excel in- communication. I can't be sure this was ever something he felt or thought. What I do know is when he took our kids for dinner last night while I was at work, he had my car and he changed the CD in the player to the above one and to the above song. When I got in my car to take Logan to school this morning, this was the song I heard. I doubt this was intentional on his part. I don't know for sure, of course. In any event, it made me wonder. Maybe, just maybe, he has realized his faults. His shortcomings. The part his behavior towards me played in the demise of our marriage. Maybe. Maybe it wasn't just me.

Or maybe like most things in life, it was a pure coincidence.

An apology...kind of...not really...I don't know. I hate coming up with titles for this shit I post...

"Describe in what ways you expect too much from your significant other. Do they deserve an apology?"

This was the prompt over at Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop that stopped me mid-inspiration-click. I have been thinking a lot about my pending divorce. I recently started remembering all the things I once loved about my husband. While I know this choice, to get a divorce, is whats right for my kids and myself in the long run, I can't help but miss the comfort of our marriage this time of year. Holidays suck for me. I've never been a huge fan anyway, but the last few years have pretty much sealed my loathing of all things traditional. When you feel that way, its nice to have someone to bitch to about it that knows what the hell you're referring to. All that said, I have given my husband a pretty bad ego-bruise. One that I think is most likely deep and scaring. He is not a bad man. By any means. I mean, come on! I am not the Queen of Hell. I am a good person! Therefore, I think it obvious that the man I married and created little people with, hellions as they may be, cannot possibly be THAT bad.

I expected my husband to love me in a way he doesn't know how. I have told him as much over the years. I have said to a few friends recently that I always knew I wasn't being loved in the way I needed. I knew that for whatever reason, he just wasn't right for me. He doesn't understand why I won't give counseling a chance. Its because I know as much as he can change on a surface level, things like behaviors or communication, he isn't ever going to be someone that understands me. He never has. He's the first to admit that. When he doesn't understand something, he won't respond to it. That isn't his fault. Its simply who he is. I spent a long time expecting that to change. For him to change who he is. I can't change who I am. Yet I expected him to. Insanity!

Now here I am, 10 years in and walking away from the only real relationship I have ever known. I am angry with myself that I let it be for as long as I did. I lied to myself. In turn I lied to him. I wanted it to work. I wanted him to be right because we have so much fun. Laughter was never something our marriage lacked. We had a comfortable existence. That is something that I am learning doesn't come natural between two people. That is a gift. He and I had that. At times I still feel it between us, well, when we're getting along that is. When he's mad, he's mean.  Callous.

I can only assume how he feels about all this, too. I wouldn't want to be wrong in my assumptions, so don't hold me to them, but I know he is angry. So, so, so very angry with me. I know he is hurt. Deeply. I know he still holds onto a little shred of hope that this isn't over. I have given him no signs that there is anything to hold on to and even when we're getting along well I remind him of the divorce and that, yes, it is what I want.

I certainly expected many things that were not unreasonable that he fell short of for me. Even if he hadn't though, there were certainly expectations I had that he simply had no way of ever meeting. I realize now that that isn't his fault. I owe him an apology for that. I am so, very, truly and honestly sorry for that, Husband.

I wish it could be different, whether he trusts that or not. I don't want to tear apart the life I have known for so long. I don't want to be miserable, either. Staying with him is certainly the easier choice, by far. It isn't the right one. I know life without him is going to be difficult and I find my heart aching deeply.

I don't know how things are going to turn out for us. I hope we can be friends, because we were always really phenomenal at that. There's no one in the world that will ever laugh at the statement, "That Jeep is FUCKED. UP."...but he will. Letting go of those things is hard. I wish he knew this wasn't all easy for me either. Maybe he does. Maybe he likes that this is difficult for me since, while he certainly helped lead into it, I am the one that facilitated the current circumstances. I don't know. I don't know what he thinks or feels because true to form, he won't communicate with me beyond being mean or callous when he's angry with me. I am guessing that is the only way he knows how to cope. I don't know, again, I won't assume to know anything about how he thinks or feels.

Husband, I know you are reading this and I know some of my words hurt. One day I will write you a post that is directed specifically to YOU, not an anonymous audience. Or maybe one day you will actually be able to talk to me, from your heart (which I know exists because I have seen little bits of its love come through a few times in the last decade). Either way, I'm sorry for expecting you to be someone you're not. It wasn't fair. I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you that. I'm a bit of a pussy at times, despite my she-balls.

TWM...Recovery...Starting Over...

The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries. And it's not always successful. No matter how hard we work at it, some wounds might never fully heal. You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living. Things may have changed, too, radically to ever go back to what they were. You might not even recognize yourself. It's like you haven't recovered anything at all. You're a whole new person with a whole new life. -Meredith

Thursdays With Meredith...Dreams...

"Maybe we accept the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that reality is better. We convince ourselves it's better that we never dream at all. But, the strongest of us, the most determined of us, holds on to the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We wake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And, if we're lucky, we realize in the face of everything, in the face of life the true dream is being able to dream at all." -Meredith


I know, I know. Last week was fantasy. This week is dream. Redundant in more ways than one. I have more to say about this little-beauty-of-a-Grey's quote, but I think for now I had best let my thoughts settle a bit. Really, though, the few above sentences sum up whats been on my mind pretty well anyway. As if that is somehow surprising.

Wow! 5 months, huh?

So it has been 5 months since I last posted. I know for my 2 followers it seems like a lifetime, huh?!

Well, I quit bloggin because I lost my internet access. Which was sad because I truly enjoy the outlet this provides me. So, "what happened?" you ask? Well my hubby was laid off last December. Since then he has been trying to make a living as being "self employed", It is far from a fail but just as far from being a success.

I started working out. Since the first week of June I have lost 20 pounds! I started at 148# (5'8") and I now weigh about 125. I. Am. Stoked! But to be honest, I am freaking sick and tired of people commenting on how "thin" or "skinny" I am and it takes every ounce of my self control (which I lack anyway) not to scream, "I'M FUCKING HEALTHY NOW, YOU ASS!!!"

Aside from weight loss I have also made some other life altering decisions that I feel will truly benefit me as a person in a positive manner. That said, my choices will, without a doubt, cause a lot of stress on myself and my family over the next few months. I will not be deterred; however, because I know in my heart and in my head that this choice is what is right for me and my children.

So, what??? you might ask is this big decision?! Unfortunately broadcasting it over the internet at this point is not okay and not what I want.

So now I am pondering what I do want with the new life I am making myself. Here are my initial thoughts:

I want my kids to be happy. Secure with me. Secure with my husband. Secure with our roles in their lives. Their happiness is, by far, my TOP priority.

I want to be happy. This is my second priority. I have spent so long trying to make others happy that I completely lost track of who I am. How I feel. What I want. Where I want to be and who I want in my life. It is actually slightly pathetic how far off track I have gotten. I have always lived as a real person with real thoughts. I have never, ever been fake. In high school a friend made me a CD titled, "For Kate. The most REAL chic I know". Silly? Maybe. But relevant to who I am? absolutely. I still talk to the guy that made me that CD, too. It amazes me that he knew then who I was.

Sigh. So...now what else? God. God led me to this very recent life change over the course of many years. Many years of pain, doubt, guilt, regret, questioning and finally, acceptance. Now, I know I will face judgment by friends, family, etc. I've already faced it by "friends". "Friends" that claim to be Christians-whom, by the way, are of the type that are often most judgmental! What I want to say to these friends is this: I have spent YEARS praying on this situation. Years. I have cried, broken, defeated, alone and asked God to guide me. Help me. Give me a SIGN. Now, signs-I don't believe in them unless I am being slapped upside the head with a Louisville Slugger. Regarding this? I feel I was.So now I'm at acceptance. Excitement for what comes next! I know the next few years will be very rocky. Very challenging. Challenge my faith. Challenge my heart. Challenge my sense of self. Challenge my sense of anything I have ever known. But I know its right. I KNOW, in the bottom of my heart, this choice is right. And that is a lot for me to say. I have made A LOT of poor choices in my life. This is honestly one of the few I feel so incredibly sure of. That's a first.

SO! You 2 followers! I will need your support. I will need your love. I will need your prayers. I will need your undying understanding of ME!

Thank you!!!