I've always been someone who lacks clarity and direction. Of course, the times people in my life have attempted to guide me in any direction, I always went the opposite way. I guess I always believed that even in taking the path I chose myself I would end up happy, content and feel an abundance of love and satisfaction with my life. I always believed that living without definity to my expectations would lead me to a place of extreme happiness. This isn't to say that I don't believe life is what we make it and that we possess some control over our destiny. We obviously make certain choices that impact our life in big ways and we all deal with unforseeable strife's the best we know how. What I'm talking about are the things we don't control. The things that just fall into our lives. Things such as friends and love. The place our passions lie in our work and the unexpected ways in which we discover these things.
After racking my brain for quite some time trying to find the words to say what I am really feeling here, I finally found solace in a Randy Pausch quote. (Those of you that don't know who Randy is, I suggest finding out and reading his Last Lecture. Or watching it. It was viral on YouTube some years ago.)
“Follow your passions, believe in karma, and you won't have to chase your dreams, they will come to you.” (Randy Pausch 2007)
I have been struggling to decide what I want to do with my life. Going back to school sits in my head, not because I necessarily WANT to go to school, but because it seems like the right thing to do. The problem is, I hate sitting in class. I hate being lectured. I get bored sooooo quickly in that type of setting. I am definitely a kinesthetic learner. Maybe I suffer from some minor sort of ADD but I go absolutely bonkers if I have to sit in one place too long.
Its a miracle I survived the minor stint I did behind a desk. I was there precisely one winter and the follwing spring before I quit for something more hands on. I made great money there and they offerend all the grown up benefits-full medical, dental, vision, 401k. Shit. They even offered insurance for your dog or cat. I got bonuses each pay check for performing over what was expected of me. I hated the job though. There is nothing more boring that entering information into a computer for 8 hours straight. And forget about the days I worked overtime. I wanted desperately to kill myself on more than one occasion.
I thought once I had kids that being a stay at home mom and wife was going to be the thing that made me happy. And being the mom did and still does. As much as I despise housework, it was a small price to pay for the joy of being home with my kids all day, watching all 3 of them start walking, hearing the first time they said 'momma' and later 'love you'. I got to spend my days outside in the spring, summer and fall. I had a garden. I got to spend time practicing my favorite hobby-cooking. I woke up to their sweet faces every morning, ran to their calls for comfort in the middle of the night and when they were sick, my lap was the only place they wanted to be. That last part is still true. It was the wife part that didn't work out so well. I wanted to be someone's wife. Loved. Partnered with. We all know how that ended.
So now here I am. Back to work. Not wanting to wait tables the rest of my life, but I like my job. I enjoy being there. I despised bartending when I first started it. Now I thouroughly enjoy it and look forward to the one shift a week I get to be back there. I don't know if this is a place where I will move up and better my life. I do know that right now, it's all I have. I feel like this job found me. It's funny, but it's something I WANT to do well at. Something I actually care about when I walk into work everyday. While I know I'll never get rich doing it, that isn't something I ever really needed. I, like most other moms, just want to provide for my family a comfortable and sustaining lifestyle.
As I have opportunites opening up to me, I am petrified. I don't want to fail, but I know that if I don't throw my sheballs out there with the risk of losing them completely, I will never go anywhere. Ever. I definitely don't want that. I don't want my kids to see me the way I see me right now. I want them to respect the choices I've made and see the fight that I know I posess in me somewhere. I just have to find confindence, which is something I lack. It's building, though, with help from the few people that believe in me and my ability to succeed.
I think that a lot of my 'belief that things will work out' mentality comes more from a deep seeded lack of confidence. It's more of a 'fear that I will completely fail and be humiliated' mentality. I think in the past it has kept me from even trying. Fear is a funny thing like that. It can take over who you thought you were and break you down into someone you never knew even lived inside of you. It was real easy to live that way when I had a husband to hide behind. His income to fall back on. I no longer have that, so I need to really man-up here. Even if I fail, I will know it wasn't because I was too afraid to try. Sometimes it's just a leap of faith. But you have to be willing to jump.
Showing posts with label courage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label courage. Show all posts
Friday, September 14, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
I Don't Make ANY Sense These Days...
I always wanted to be THAT woman that THOSE men fell in love with. You know the girl. Like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's. The one with those quirky-awesome personality traits that she doesn't even realize she possesses. I wanted to be smart and witty and irrestitably mysterious and never realize how amazingly beautiful I was. The woman men like Billy Joel write about. The fact of the matter is, I am so not Audrey Hepburn or Christie Brinkley. I always thought I would have a man like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.
Wait. Wait. WAIT. Backup. I am not comparing 2 hookers to the woman I wanted to be and that's just wrong. I didn't want to be a hooker. I just...I guess I always had this view of who I was going to be and who I was going to be with in my head. When I made the decision to divorce my husband and make a new, better life for myself I saw myself finally growing into the form of this woman I had been aspiring to be for so long. And then I saw myself with a man that saw and appreciated all that growth and struggle and journey I had been on to become her. I thought that I would meet a few men, hate their lack of things I knew I needed or wanted, become bored and move on.
I didn't think I would meet someone immediately that listened to what I said, admired me when I was doing simple things. Someone that saw me as all the things I wanted to be seen as and did it in such a way that you never once thought he was anything but genuine and sincere in his actions and thoughts.
The horrible part of it is that I met that man and I am too damaged and too lost in a horrible sea of self laothing that I can't be for him all the things I wanted to be. I need time to be independent. Time to take care of myself. Time to date and learn and be so sure of everything I want in a man that when I see it staring me in the fucking face I do everything I can to keep it and him in my life. I need to live alone (with my kids, obviously, but apart from a man). I need to see myself as all the things I always wanted to be (or at least appreciate the woman I am, regardless of who exactly that woman may be) and then I can maybe be enough for someone else.
What I defintely do not want is to be the woman that defines herself by the man she's with. I am not her. But I want to be the woman a man hopes to define himself through.
Wait. Wait. WAIT. Backup. I am not comparing 2 hookers to the woman I wanted to be and that's just wrong. I didn't want to be a hooker. I just...I guess I always had this view of who I was going to be and who I was going to be with in my head. When I made the decision to divorce my husband and make a new, better life for myself I saw myself finally growing into the form of this woman I had been aspiring to be for so long. And then I saw myself with a man that saw and appreciated all that growth and struggle and journey I had been on to become her. I thought that I would meet a few men, hate their lack of things I knew I needed or wanted, become bored and move on.
I didn't think I would meet someone immediately that listened to what I said, admired me when I was doing simple things. Someone that saw me as all the things I wanted to be seen as and did it in such a way that you never once thought he was anything but genuine and sincere in his actions and thoughts.
The horrible part of it is that I met that man and I am too damaged and too lost in a horrible sea of self laothing that I can't be for him all the things I wanted to be. I need time to be independent. Time to take care of myself. Time to date and learn and be so sure of everything I want in a man that when I see it staring me in the fucking face I do everything I can to keep it and him in my life. I need to live alone (with my kids, obviously, but apart from a man). I need to see myself as all the things I always wanted to be (or at least appreciate the woman I am, regardless of who exactly that woman may be) and then I can maybe be enough for someone else.
What I defintely do not want is to be the woman that defines herself by the man she's with. I am not her. But I want to be the woman a man hopes to define himself through.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Attitude...
There are all different kinds of people in this world. There are people that know what they want and are satisfied once they have it. Then there are people that think they know what they want, get it, and need more. Their wants change. Or shift. The perpetually unsatisfied, as I call them. I am of the later of the two. I got married, wanted kids, had three, was a stay-at-home-mom for 6 years, decided I had made some mistakes, took the steps to correct those mistakes and move on.
Now I am a single mom of three intelligent, funny, kind, caring, beautiful kids that, even when behaving like total asses, are the center of my universe. I now work 2 jobs outside my home. I have a man that is interested in me (and no, people, I am not ANY where near ready for anything like that. Fuck. I am still married and to a man that despite his complete failure to satisfy my needs as my husband, still holds-and most likely always will-a small piece of my heart). I've gone from being with my kids nearly 24/7, with the exception of the 2 nights a week and every other weekend they're with their daddy, to seeing them only evenings. And yes, that will change in a few weeks. While I finished training for Job1, I started training for Job2. So I am now juggling regular shifts at Job1 with the 6 day, 6 hour days, training schedule at Job2. Once training for Job2 is completed, I will only be working there 1 day a week and then working 5-6 shifts at Job1. Pair all that with the 3 kids' school schedules, finding care between their dad and my mom's work schedules and having time to feel like an individual for 5 minutes is a full time job in itself. Fuck me. Even writing about it all is exhausting.
I knew I needed change. I am happy with the changes I have made in my life. I am, for the first time in my 27+ years, hopeful for the possibility of happiness in my future. I think I now know why. For a long time I was the definition of a 'pessimist'. Then I changed. I am not entirely sure when, or how, or why. I just know I did. I kept my cynical way of viewing the world. I lost the pessimism though. I know that may be confusing. I like to think of myself as a 'cynical optimist' (yeah, I bet you like that. I coined that shit and don't forget it!). There is a sign that hangs at Job2 in 2 different places (I should probably mention that Job2 is a job I held for nearly 2 years from the time I was 18 until I was 20. Also, both of my jobs are serving positions at well known chain restaurants) and the part of this sign that has always stuck out to me reads this, "We cannot change our past. We cannot change that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have and that is our attitude." This struck me particularly hard today, for some reason.
I know the life I have chosen is once again the more difficult path. I just think some of us are cut that way. Molded to do better with harder. After all, not every woman (or man) possesses sheballs like mine. Not everyone can adapt to change easily and not everyone craves it like I do. God cut me from a different cloth, I think. And I know, and firmly believe that He will never give me more than I can handle.
Now I am a single mom of three intelligent, funny, kind, caring, beautiful kids that, even when behaving like total asses, are the center of my universe. I now work 2 jobs outside my home. I have a man that is interested in me (and no, people, I am not ANY where near ready for anything like that. Fuck. I am still married and to a man that despite his complete failure to satisfy my needs as my husband, still holds-and most likely always will-a small piece of my heart). I've gone from being with my kids nearly 24/7, with the exception of the 2 nights a week and every other weekend they're with their daddy, to seeing them only evenings. And yes, that will change in a few weeks. While I finished training for Job1, I started training for Job2. So I am now juggling regular shifts at Job1 with the 6 day, 6 hour days, training schedule at Job2. Once training for Job2 is completed, I will only be working there 1 day a week and then working 5-6 shifts at Job1. Pair all that with the 3 kids' school schedules, finding care between their dad and my mom's work schedules and having time to feel like an individual for 5 minutes is a full time job in itself. Fuck me. Even writing about it all is exhausting.
I knew I needed change. I am happy with the changes I have made in my life. I am, for the first time in my 27+ years, hopeful for the possibility of happiness in my future. I think I now know why. For a long time I was the definition of a 'pessimist'. Then I changed. I am not entirely sure when, or how, or why. I just know I did. I kept my cynical way of viewing the world. I lost the pessimism though. I know that may be confusing. I like to think of myself as a 'cynical optimist' (yeah, I bet you like that. I coined that shit and don't forget it!). There is a sign that hangs at Job2 in 2 different places (I should probably mention that Job2 is a job I held for nearly 2 years from the time I was 18 until I was 20. Also, both of my jobs are serving positions at well known chain restaurants) and the part of this sign that has always stuck out to me reads this, "We cannot change our past. We cannot change that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have and that is our attitude." This struck me particularly hard today, for some reason.
I know the life I have chosen is once again the more difficult path. I just think some of us are cut that way. Molded to do better with harder. After all, not every woman (or man) possesses sheballs like mine. Not everyone can adapt to change easily and not everyone craves it like I do. God cut me from a different cloth, I think. And I know, and firmly believe that He will never give me more than I can handle.
Friday, September 30, 2011
She Balls Make Me Awesome...
So recently I received a phone call from a man I have known since I was probably about 7 or 8 years old. My dad met him when we first moved to IL and had started a new job here. His wife, JMK (whom I always treated me like a 'grown-up' and I love her so very dearly for that) and their 2 kids quickly became family to mine. As a kid I spent A LOT of time at their house with my family. I don't recall what year it was, but they moved about 3 hours away at some point and we saw them less and less until eventually, as often happens, we lost track of each other.
When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I thought it only right to track his friend, John, down and let him know of dad's diagnosis. We spoke occasionally after that about the truth of dad's condition, as when John would talk to my dad on the phone, there was no doubt in his mind my dad wasn't letting on the full truth of the severity and aggressiveness of his disease. I think John knew I wouldn't bullshit him. When dad's cancer eventually took his life, I think it was me that called to tell John and Joanie, but in all honesty, I don't recall too many details about what happened the week following his death. In any event, John came up for dad's service and gave a speech that moved everyone to tears.
So, what does this sad, sappy, love-filled story have to do with big, brass, balls, you ask? Well, if you knew my dad, and in particular if you watched him suffer through the cancer and not ONCE complain, you would know he had manly cajones. No doubt. Maybe stainless-steel ones at that. If you didn't know my dad, but you know a member of the Patterson clan, you are familiar with the kind of strength and courage I am referring to. We're a tough, badass bunch of m-effers because we have to be. Life hasn't always been kind to us, but like John told me last week, " Life is about taking shit . And learning how to put up with it and know you're better than that." And he's right. Life is definitely about taking shit and learning from it.
Going through the divorce process, trying to be true to myself and trying like hell to be as fair and kind as I can to my husband in the process (because I am first to admit, the last 2 months haven't been at all fair or kind to him and I think he's doing the best he can to deal, though he is currently behavinglike a real ass like a man that's hurt and lashing out) is causing me to question the size, weight and chemical make-up of my female cajones. I am hurting. I have been hurting for a long time. The decision to divorce my husband alleviated a lot of that hurt I had been feeling for so long. This hurt right now is a different kind of hurt and I think unless you have been in a position like mine you can't relate. You won't understand. I really don't expect anyone to understand and as my pastor and friend recently told me, what you or anyone else thinks about me isn't my business. That said...my big brass balls have shrunk a bit.
Knowing I have been a bit of a whiny, sissy, baby as of late, I was delightfully surprised and appreciative when my phone rang last week and I heard John's voice on the other end. Our conversation went something like this, and forgive the language, but us badass m-effers curse like truckers...ya know, cause that's what badass m-effers do and stuff.
Me: Hello?
John: What the hell is going on? Are you going soft on me? Don't go soft on me.
Me: Well, ya know, I'm a little stressed out right now, dude! I know I'm being a whiny bitch!
John: You are hardcore. Don't lose that edge! Stay tough.
Me: I'm trying, I'm trying. This stuff is tough, though and I feel like I am losing it!
John: I'd tell ya to grow a pair, but you've got the biggest ones on any girl I know.
Me >>>laughing boisterously<<<: OK. I'll get my shit together.
We talked for a few more minutes and then hung up. His phone call was exactly what I needed to remember where I get my strength and courage from. And even if I don't like running in the cold, wet, wind and rain, I still have the biggest, heaviest, brassiest she-balls around, damnit.
When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I thought it only right to track his friend, John, down and let him know of dad's diagnosis. We spoke occasionally after that about the truth of dad's condition, as when John would talk to my dad on the phone, there was no doubt in his mind my dad wasn't letting on the full truth of the severity and aggressiveness of his disease. I think John knew I wouldn't bullshit him. When dad's cancer eventually took his life, I think it was me that called to tell John and Joanie, but in all honesty, I don't recall too many details about what happened the week following his death. In any event, John came up for dad's service and gave a speech that moved everyone to tears.
So, what does this sad, sappy, love-filled story have to do with big, brass, balls, you ask? Well, if you knew my dad, and in particular if you watched him suffer through the cancer and not ONCE complain, you would know he had manly cajones. No doubt. Maybe stainless-steel ones at that. If you didn't know my dad, but you know a member of the Patterson clan, you are familiar with the kind of strength and courage I am referring to. We're a tough, badass bunch of m-effers because we have to be. Life hasn't always been kind to us, but like John told me last week, " Life is about taking shit . And learning how to put up with it and know you're better than that." And he's right. Life is definitely about taking shit and learning from it.
Going through the divorce process, trying to be true to myself and trying like hell to be as fair and kind as I can to my husband in the process (because I am first to admit, the last 2 months haven't been at all fair or kind to him and I think he's doing the best he can to deal, though he is currently behaving
Knowing I have been a bit of a whiny, sissy, baby as of late, I was delightfully surprised and appreciative when my phone rang last week and I heard John's voice on the other end. Our conversation went something like this, and forgive the language, but us badass m-effers curse like truckers...ya know, cause that's what badass m-effers do and stuff.
Me: Hello?
John: What the hell is going on? Are you going soft on me? Don't go soft on me.
Me: Well, ya know, I'm a little stressed out right now, dude! I know I'm being a whiny bitch!
John: You are hardcore. Don't lose that edge! Stay tough.
Me: I'm trying, I'm trying. This stuff is tough, though and I feel like I am losing it!
John: I'd tell ya to grow a pair, but you've got the biggest ones on any girl I know.
Me >>>laughing boisterously<<<: OK. I'll get my shit together.
We talked for a few more minutes and then hung up. His phone call was exactly what I needed to remember where I get my strength and courage from. And even if I don't like running in the cold, wet, wind and rain, I still have the biggest, heaviest, brassiest she-balls around, damnit.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Thursdays with Meredith...Denial...
"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and
biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim.
The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to
ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it
doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our
denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing... Denial. It's not
just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from
drowning in it?" -Meredith
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
She can turn the world on with her smile...
You might know my cousin, Kristin, who writes a blog I love dearly titled "Only Parent Chronicles". She is pretty much my best friend. I could not make it through life with out her insight, wisdom, knowledge and most importantly her love and support for me no matter what. She may be the only person in the world aside from my mother that really loves me unconditionally. On her blog she refers to me as "Fave Cousin". She created a Twitter account for me with the name @Fave_Cousin (which I have met some pretty amazing people through). It pretty much sums up our opinion of each other. She live 2 states away and while I see her more than any other cousin, aunt or uncle (and honestly I see her more than I see my own siblings who are the next county over) it still makes it difficult because I value our relationship so greatly.
Kristin does a feature on her blog called Post It Note Tuesday, or PINT for short. Today's post its were 2 quotes about life and change. The first was, "Life is an adventure. Embrace it. We are not the same person this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."- William Somerset Maugham
Well, isn't that just the simple truth? People change...at least some things about them do. Or maybe people just adapt. Maybe we're all born one way and nothing ever really changes, we just adapt to the situation around us. This would make sense for those who have ever dealt with someone that has gone through "the program".
The second quote was this, "Take chances. Make mistakes. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave."-Mary Tyler Moore
I talked to you last about changes in my life. The big one, regarding my marriage, I didn't exactly let out. Enough people have learned of it the last 2 days that I feel its safe to say it here, (to my 2 followers who already know!) my husband and I are getting divorced. For me it has been a long time coming. I asked him for a divorce 2 years ago. I have known in my heart since the day I married this man that he simply wasn't the right man for me. So, why, you ask, did I marry him??? I know he is asking himself the same thing. Truth is, I don't know. It seemed easier than breaking up the life we had then . I know! I know! We didn't have kids then. There wasn't a mortgage. There wasn't a mound of medical debt. It would have been so easy then!!! I am one that has to make every single wrong decision before I can see and then make the right one. I have always been that way. Blame my hard headed-ness. Blame my stubborn-ness. Blame my need to do exactly the opposite of what people tell me to do. I don't know why I'm that way, I just am. I am sorry that being that person is bringing my husband, a man that I have loved, great pain and distress. I cannot change that part of who I am.
The part of this last quote that stuck out to me is the part about courage. And bravery. "Pain nourishes courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave." YES!!! Yes. I went through a lot of pain to get to the place where I now have the courage to do what I always knew was right. Fail. I have failed at so many things. I feel finally stepping out of this marriage that has caused me so much pain over the years will only encourage my strength. A strength I lacked 2 years ago.
I have a plaque that hangs in my entry way that I bought about a year ago when my husband and I hit our 5 year anniversary. It reads, "To have courage for whatever comes in life. Everything lies in that." Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. I know he will spend the day mourning what once was and what is now lost. I will spend it at home, with our kids, doing house-wife work and dreaming about a life I always wanted and never had the opportunity to attain. Same thing I've done every year before. Except...this year, I will be doing all those things with a new sense of hope. Hope because I have courage. Courage for whatever comes tomorrow.
Kristin does a feature on her blog called Post It Note Tuesday, or PINT for short. Today's post its were 2 quotes about life and change. The first was, "Life is an adventure. Embrace it. We are not the same person this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."- William Somerset Maugham
Well, isn't that just the simple truth? People change...at least some things about them do. Or maybe people just adapt. Maybe we're all born one way and nothing ever really changes, we just adapt to the situation around us. This would make sense for those who have ever dealt with someone that has gone through "the program".
The second quote was this, "Take chances. Make mistakes. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave."-Mary Tyler Moore
I talked to you last about changes in my life. The big one, regarding my marriage, I didn't exactly let out. Enough people have learned of it the last 2 days that I feel its safe to say it here, (to my 2 followers who already know!) my husband and I are getting divorced. For me it has been a long time coming. I asked him for a divorce 2 years ago. I have known in my heart since the day I married this man that he simply wasn't the right man for me. So, why, you ask, did I marry him??? I know he is asking himself the same thing. Truth is, I don't know. It seemed easier than breaking up the life we had then . I know! I know! We didn't have kids then. There wasn't a mortgage. There wasn't a mound of medical debt. It would have been so easy then!!! I am one that has to make every single wrong decision before I can see and then make the right one. I have always been that way. Blame my hard headed-ness. Blame my stubborn-ness. Blame my need to do exactly the opposite of what people tell me to do. I don't know why I'm that way, I just am. I am sorry that being that person is bringing my husband, a man that I have loved, great pain and distress. I cannot change that part of who I am.
The part of this last quote that stuck out to me is the part about courage. And bravery. "Pain nourishes courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave." YES!!! Yes. I went through a lot of pain to get to the place where I now have the courage to do what I always knew was right. Fail. I have failed at so many things. I feel finally stepping out of this marriage that has caused me so much pain over the years will only encourage my strength. A strength I lacked 2 years ago.
I have a plaque that hangs in my entry way that I bought about a year ago when my husband and I hit our 5 year anniversary. It reads, "To have courage for whatever comes in life. Everything lies in that." Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. I know he will spend the day mourning what once was and what is now lost. I will spend it at home, with our kids, doing house-wife work and dreaming about a life I always wanted and never had the opportunity to attain. Same thing I've done every year before. Except...this year, I will be doing all those things with a new sense of hope. Hope because I have courage. Courage for whatever comes tomorrow.
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