Rolling in the Deep...

Today would be my 7 year wedding anniversary. Last Friday marked the 1 year anniversary of the day I told my now ex-husband that I wanted a divorce. This whole month has been a whirl wind of emotions for me. It started with my birthday on the 3rd, which is always a difficult day for me since my dad died. Then I got injured at work a week later. Then the boyfriend and I encountered some issues I wasn't sure we were going to recover from. Fortunately, we have much better communication and understanding between us than was ever present in my marriage. I think the lack of those 2 things was a direct factor as to why our marriage ended when it did. I don't want to go on a big emotional Dennis-Miller-style rant about the ways my heart has broken over the crumbling of my marriage to the man I hoped to love forever. I will say this to him because I know he checks my blog, or use to, and may read this.
                        
Remember when I told you after we split up that I never loved you the way I believed people are suppose to love? I know you took that to heart and I know you took it not in the way I intended it. I believe you took that to mean that over 10 years I never loved you at all. I did. With my whole heart. I was full of love and passion for you and for us. I never felt that out of you, though. I feel that when 2 people really love each other, those things need to be forever present and present in such a strong, deeply connected way that at the end of the day, there really is nothing that can tear you apart. We lacked that. We are both too stubborn and too proud. That's on both of us. I'm just the one that chose to accept it for that. It wasn't with a light heart that I moved on. At all. It didn't have the same immediate effect on  me initially following our separation. It's hitting me now and has been since June 19.

So. Knowing all that...here is the only song that has been playing in my head over the last few months.

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I'd also like to note here to someone that will definitely take notice if he watches the video: Yes, I noticed the ninja and yes, I realize how important the drum part of this song is to driving the emotion behind the lyrics home.*

Too Late To Wait...

And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slip now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me
-Alexi Murdoch

The above are lyrics to a song from my favorite movie (or one of many), Away We Go. There is a wonderfully sentimental story I could tell you about the first time I watched this movie, alone and sobbing. Then immediately watched it again with Husband when he arrived home late that night and again, sobbed. All you really need to know is it is a movie that speaks to my heart and will forever be a favorite of mine. It is one of those movies that is made even better by a lyrically fabulous soundtrack. The lyrics posted above are ones that from that very first viewing stuck in my head.

I always felt like I was falling behind. Behind everyone. My husband, my family, my peers, co-workers, friends...everyone. That I never really fit in with any of them because I was someone that lived with her heart on her sleeve. I felt everything, right there, on the surface. I was emotional. Passionate. I have become much more guarded over the years for various reasons. There is a very thick wall around my heart and I have no intentions of ever letting anyone break through it.

I use to pray, constantly, to God to please, please not let my husband ever leave me if I fell behind him. If I wasn't enough for him. If I became too depressed, too scared, too broken to be everything I felt he wanted me to be. "Please," I would plead, "please just let him wait for me. Wait until I can be who he wants. Don't let him stop loving me." When I came to the realization that I would never be the woman he wanted me to be and that he would never be the man I wanted him to be, it never even occurred to me that maybe, MAYBE over the years he DID see himself failing me as a man. As my husband. Maybe he was pleading, in his own way, for me to wait for him. For him to change. For him to learn to love me the way my heart needs to be loved.

Of course if he did he never communicated those wishes to me. Ever. That is one area I think he will never quite excel in- communication. I can't be sure this was ever something he felt or thought. What I do know is when he took our kids for dinner last night while I was at work, he had my car and he changed the CD in the player to the above one and to the above song. When I got in my car to take Logan to school this morning, this was the song I heard. I doubt this was intentional on his part. I don't know for sure, of course. In any event, it made me wonder. Maybe, just maybe, he has realized his faults. His shortcomings. The part his behavior towards me played in the demise of our marriage. Maybe. Maybe it wasn't just me.

Or maybe like most things in life, it was a pure coincidence.

An apology...kind of...not really...I don't know. I hate coming up with titles for this shit I post...

"Describe in what ways you expect too much from your significant other. Do they deserve an apology?"

This was the prompt over at Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop that stopped me mid-inspiration-click. I have been thinking a lot about my pending divorce. I recently started remembering all the things I once loved about my husband. While I know this choice, to get a divorce, is whats right for my kids and myself in the long run, I can't help but miss the comfort of our marriage this time of year. Holidays suck for me. I've never been a huge fan anyway, but the last few years have pretty much sealed my loathing of all things traditional. When you feel that way, its nice to have someone to bitch to about it that knows what the hell you're referring to. All that said, I have given my husband a pretty bad ego-bruise. One that I think is most likely deep and scaring. He is not a bad man. By any means. I mean, come on! I am not the Queen of Hell. I am a good person! Therefore, I think it obvious that the man I married and created little people with, hellions as they may be, cannot possibly be THAT bad.

I expected my husband to love me in a way he doesn't know how. I have told him as much over the years. I have said to a few friends recently that I always knew I wasn't being loved in the way I needed. I knew that for whatever reason, he just wasn't right for me. He doesn't understand why I won't give counseling a chance. Its because I know as much as he can change on a surface level, things like behaviors or communication, he isn't ever going to be someone that understands me. He never has. He's the first to admit that. When he doesn't understand something, he won't respond to it. That isn't his fault. Its simply who he is. I spent a long time expecting that to change. For him to change who he is. I can't change who I am. Yet I expected him to. Insanity!

Now here I am, 10 years in and walking away from the only real relationship I have ever known. I am angry with myself that I let it be for as long as I did. I lied to myself. In turn I lied to him. I wanted it to work. I wanted him to be right because we have so much fun. Laughter was never something our marriage lacked. We had a comfortable existence. That is something that I am learning doesn't come natural between two people. That is a gift. He and I had that. At times I still feel it between us, well, when we're getting along that is. When he's mad, he's mean.  Callous.

I can only assume how he feels about all this, too. I wouldn't want to be wrong in my assumptions, so don't hold me to them, but I know he is angry. So, so, so very angry with me. I know he is hurt. Deeply. I know he still holds onto a little shred of hope that this isn't over. I have given him no signs that there is anything to hold on to and even when we're getting along well I remind him of the divorce and that, yes, it is what I want.

I certainly expected many things that were not unreasonable that he fell short of for me. Even if he hadn't though, there were certainly expectations I had that he simply had no way of ever meeting. I realize now that that isn't his fault. I owe him an apology for that. I am so, very, truly and honestly sorry for that, Husband.

I wish it could be different, whether he trusts that or not. I don't want to tear apart the life I have known for so long. I don't want to be miserable, either. Staying with him is certainly the easier choice, by far. It isn't the right one. I know life without him is going to be difficult and I find my heart aching deeply.

I don't know how things are going to turn out for us. I hope we can be friends, because we were always really phenomenal at that. There's no one in the world that will ever laugh at the statement, "That Jeep is FUCKED. UP."...but he will. Letting go of those things is hard. I wish he knew this wasn't all easy for me either. Maybe he does. Maybe he likes that this is difficult for me since, while he certainly helped lead into it, I am the one that facilitated the current circumstances. I don't know. I don't know what he thinks or feels because true to form, he won't communicate with me beyond being mean or callous when he's angry with me. I am guessing that is the only way he knows how to cope. I don't know, again, I won't assume to know anything about how he thinks or feels.

Husband, I know you are reading this and I know some of my words hurt. One day I will write you a post that is directed specifically to YOU, not an anonymous audience. Or maybe one day you will actually be able to talk to me, from your heart (which I know exists because I have seen little bits of its love come through a few times in the last decade). Either way, I'm sorry for expecting you to be someone you're not. It wasn't fair. I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you that. I'm a bit of a pussy at times, despite my she-balls.

She can turn the world on with her smile...

You might know my cousin, Kristin, who writes a blog I love dearly titled "Only Parent Chronicles". She is pretty much my best friend. I could not make it through life with out her insight, wisdom, knowledge and most importantly her love and support for me no matter what. She may be the only person in the world aside from my mother that really loves me unconditionally. On her blog she refers to me as "Fave Cousin". She created a Twitter account for me with the name @Fave_Cousin (which I have met some pretty amazing people through). It pretty much sums up our opinion of each other. She live 2 states away and while I see her more than any other cousin, aunt or uncle (and honestly I see her more than I see my own siblings who are the next county over) it still makes it difficult because I value our relationship so greatly.

Kristin does a feature on her blog called Post It Note Tuesday, or PINT for short. Today's post its were 2 quotes about life and change. The first was, "Life is an adventure. Embrace it. We are not the same person this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."- William Somerset Maugham

Well, isn't that just the simple truth? People change...at least some things about them do. Or maybe people just adapt. Maybe we're all born one way and nothing ever really changes, we just adapt to the situation around us. This would make sense for those who have ever dealt with someone that has gone through "the program".

The second quote was this, "Take chances. Make mistakes. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave."-Mary Tyler Moore

I talked to you last about changes in my life. The big one, regarding my marriage, I didn't exactly let out. Enough people have learned of it the last 2 days that I feel its safe to say it here, (to my 2 followers who already know!) my husband and I are getting divorced. For me it has been a long time coming. I asked him for a divorce 2 years ago. I have known in my heart since the day I married this man that he simply wasn't the right man for me. So, why, you ask, did I marry him??? I know he is asking himself the same thing. Truth is, I don't know. It seemed easier than breaking up the life we had then . I know! I know! We didn't have kids then. There wasn't a mortgage. There wasn't a mound of medical debt. It would have been so easy then!!! I am one that has to make every single wrong decision before I can see and then make the right one. I have always been that way. Blame my hard headed-ness. Blame my stubborn-ness. Blame my need to do exactly the opposite of what people tell me to do. I don't know why I'm that way, I just am. I am sorry that being that person is bringing my husband, a man that I have loved, great pain and distress. I cannot change that part of who I am.

The part of this last quote that stuck out to me is the part about courage. And bravery. "Pain nourishes courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave." YES!!! Yes. I went through a lot of pain to get to the place where I now have the courage to do what I always knew was right. Fail. I have failed at so many things. I feel finally stepping out of this marriage that has caused me so much pain over the years will only encourage my strength. A strength I lacked 2 years ago.

I have a plaque that hangs in my entry way that I bought about a year ago when my husband and I hit our 5 year anniversary. It reads, "To have courage for whatever comes in life. Everything lies in that." Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. I know he will spend the day mourning what once was and what is now lost. I will spend it at home, with our kids, doing house-wife work and dreaming about a life I always wanted and never had the opportunity to attain. Same thing I've done every year before. Except...this year, I will be doing all those things with a new sense of hope. Hope because I have courage. Courage for whatever comes tomorrow.