#TWM

So...I recently started re-watching all seasons of Grey's available on Netfix. It will forever be my favorite show. Not because of the stories, (which have quickly gained an absolutely ridiculous standing), but because of the narratives that bring it all home and together and always, always, always strike a fabulous chord with me. And somehow, the episodes I watch at the times they happen to be seen, fall into whatever place I am stuck in my head and make me feel at peace with being me. So, despite the abhorrence some of you may have for my favorite show, I give you, in no particular order, some of my most favorite Meredith quotes (and others). Enjoy. I hope they bring you some of the solace they so often give me. 

"At the end of the day when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about it each other?...its usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to. And once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by, no matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure sometimes close can be too close, but sometimes that invasion of personal space? It can be exactly what you need." -Meredith

"It can be scary to find out you've been wrong about something. But we can't be afraid to change our minds, to accept that things are different...that they'll never be the same-for better or for worse. We have to be willing to give up what we use to believe. The more we're willing to accept what is and not what we thought...we'll find ourselves exactly where we belong." -Meredith

"It might be hard for a surgeon to admit, but there's no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are and let the world see you that way, too. A little self awareness never hurt anybody. Because when you know who you are its easier to know what you're about and ultimately, what you really need." -Meredith

When we follow our hearts, when we choose not to settle, it's funny isn't it?...a weight lifts, the sun shines a little brighter...and for a brief moment at least, we find a little peace. -Meredith

It's one of those things that people say, you can't move on until you let go of the past. Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes we fight it, try and keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let go. Move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow." -Meredith

"Actually finding out that you've been looking at things wrong all along can be sort of liberating and suddenly you see new potential...new possibilities, where you'd never seen them before and that's all fine when a hopeless situation suddenly looks good. Unfortunately, sometimes it goes the other way. -Meredith"

Cristina: There's a club, the dead dad's club and you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize, you can try to feel that loss...my dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club.

George: I...I, I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't.

Cristina: Yeah, that never really changes. 


"At some point maybe we accept that the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that the reality is better. We convince ourselves its better that we never dream at all, but the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold on to the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And if we're lucky we realize, in the face of everything, in the face of life, our true dream is being able to dream at all. -Meredith"

Advice Is Like Snow...

"Advice is like snow-the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon and the deeper it sinks into the mind." -Unknown

It snowed tonight. It was the first of the season. The wet, sticky kind that would stick if the earth were cold enough to let it. Instead it melted as it hit the pavement. I was at work talking with my GM and a few other employees when I noticed the flakes falling outside. For the very briefest and fleeting of moments I thought about the silence that seems to befall the world when it snows. It's as if all the night's noises are muffled by the pillow of snow. And then I thought about how the most audible of sounds at that time is the splash of cars' tires as they push their way down the road through the slush. That led me to thinking about endless months of cold and wet and blah. All these thoughts passed through my head in seconds...then I reached for my phone to call you. My hand didn't even make it half way to it before I stopped and remembered you wouldn't answer.

On my way home from work an hour later, I called you anyway, like I do every year. Even though I knew you wouldn't answer, I just wanted to hear your voice on your message. And then it hit me. I haven't cried in a while when remembering you. I think of you every day and I miss you all the time. And it often makes me sad. But I haven't cried. Tonight I did and it was overwhelming.

I miss you, Dad. Sitting here typing this, I am thinking about all the memories I have of you that involve snow. Sledding at the Prior Lake house down that big ass hill, then later at VA when we were older. I can remember you teaching me to make snowballs. I can still see your hands packing the snow together, showing me just how it's done to create the ultimate sting. I remember all the times you'd arrive home from work and my brother and sister and I would be too consumed in building snowmen to notice you'd pulled in the driveway. It wasn't until we were being ambushed and bombarded with snowballs that we even realized you were there.

I have always felt like I have this empty place in my heart, Dad. When you died it quadrupled in size. I have no idea how to begin to close that hole. I know I'll never fill it, but I think repair is possible, to some extent. The thing I find myself missing most often are our talks. Never very long, but always so full of thought, love and honest advice. I miss talking to you everyday, multiple times a day, more than anything I've ever missed. Sometimes I miss our talks as much as I imagine I would miss my right arm if I suddenly lost it in some tragic turn of events. This last 2 days alone I have wanted YOUR advice and thoughts on things at work, at home with the kids, men in my life, my car, future education I may one day seek more enthusiastically...the list continues.

My life will probably never be the same. I can't honestly say it would be more bearable had you died as an old man instead of the young one you were. I think I would still feel the same things as deeply as I do and with as many years between your death and now. I can't stop missing our talks. I love you, dad. And I miss you. All the time.

I came home today and there was little trace that you'd ever even existed as a part of my life. Your shelf was cleaned out in the closet. All the piles of your laundry were missing from the stacks that were scattered on the floor. No one would ever notice, but I knew they were gone. There's an empty spot on the top shelf of my closet where your Guitar Hero instruments had sat. I walked into the bathroom and the drawer that had your toothbrush, hair product and cologne were gone. Seeing your things gone struck me in a way that made me inhale and quickly catch my breath. In that moment I caught a whiff of your cologne. And it made my heart hurt. I walked back into my bedroom and looked around. I saw my robe laying on my bed, just as I'd left it. I looked at it and wondered if you'd even picked it up to smell the collar, which I know holds the scent of my shampoo and perfume, or was exiting my life easy for you? I looked at my pillow hoping you'd left whatever tshirt you'd been wearing when you cleared your things from my home so that I could sleep in it. Smell it. Close my eyes and imagine you here. But you hadn't. Suddenly I felt so exhausted, alone and vulnerable. I unzipped my jeans, slid them off and grabbed a blanket off the couch. I buried my face into a pillow and slept for three hours this afternoon, in a ball, on my couch. When I awoke it was dark outside and as I blinked the distorted figures around me into focus, I found myself looking for you.

This isn't easy for me. I know it's right, right now, but it certainly isn't easy. And I hope it isn't as easy for you as you make it look. To think I meant anything less than everything to you after all you said breaks my heart. I hope, too, that if we do come to be again in the future, that we can be the best versions of ourselves for each other.

I just saw your key laying by the door. The exhaustion I felt earlier is back. My body aches and the last thing I want to do is crawl into my bed without you tonight. I feel like you don't even notice I'm missing.

Love Shouldn't Be Anything Less Than Lightning In A Bottle...

"The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little."

I came across this today while reading quotes on destiny and love, ideas I have long doubted have any business being used in respect to one another. It seems to me, and this is just my thought process on the fly here, that IF there is one person out there that is truly 'perfect' for you (and I use that term very loosely here. Nobody is perfect. We all know that.) and that is meant to be that you would just...know it. It would be a feeling that was instant. Overwhelming. Like being struck by lightening. I don't mean love at first sight, because that's crap. But I would think it would happen fairly soon after spending some time together. That there would be enough similarities, likes, interest, laughs, physical attrativeness to set that voice of God off in your head that screams, 'HEY!!! This is the person I created for you! To fit you! To walk through life with you and love you the way I meant for people to love one another. Love him back, cherish him, hold him and be grateful you found him!'

I feel like if that something in my brain doesn't go off, then I am settling for something that isn't everything. And I vowed to never do that after my divorce. It isn't that I can't buckle down and give myself to someone. I know I can. I want all the pieces to fit, even if there are a few rough edges. I want be on fire for someone all the way. I've never had that feeling, though. I loved my husband, but it never felt totally fullfilling. I love a lot of things about the man I am with now, but again, I feel something is missing there, too. I don't mean disatisfaction with my life, either. I mean the relationships specifically. I think that if the relationship is meant to be, the other crap is weatherable together.

So I am spending a lot of time lately wondering about this concept of 'love and destiny'. My cousin is getting married 2wks from today. I know her story. I know her history with men in general and with this man she's going to spend the rest of her life with. Since I do know all that, I do believe that this man is actually the one. I know what they've sacrificed to be together. They spent YEARS half a country apart, dated other people and had given up on finding love. Then love brought them back together. I LOVE their story. I admire it. I even envy it. I believe in it whole heartedly. So I guess it does happen. I just haven't gotten to it yet for myself.

I Pray...

I came home from work tonight to all my babies tucked safely in their beds and sleeping peacefully. For the first moment in 9 months my life feels at ease. My prayer for tonight is that the time between these moments lessens. I know I am blessed in the greatest sense of the word and I know God has a plan for me and my kids. I pray I can weather the distance between these moments with grace, strength and courage. I pray that all the steps I have taken to better our lives pay off and I become a woman of great character. I pray that my children grow into thoughtful individuals that stick up for those weaker than them, possess true intergity and confidence. I pray that all of this comes sooner than later. I pray I become the kind of mother my kids admire. I pray God guides me down the path, not of least resistance, necessarily, but hopefully with a few less obstacles than we've faced thus far. This is my prayer.

Amen.

Too Late To Wait...

And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slip now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me
-Alexi Murdoch

The above are lyrics to a song from my favorite movie (or one of many), Away We Go. There is a wonderfully sentimental story I could tell you about the first time I watched this movie, alone and sobbing. Then immediately watched it again with Husband when he arrived home late that night and again, sobbed. All you really need to know is it is a movie that speaks to my heart and will forever be a favorite of mine. It is one of those movies that is made even better by a lyrically fabulous soundtrack. The lyrics posted above are ones that from that very first viewing stuck in my head.

I always felt like I was falling behind. Behind everyone. My husband, my family, my peers, co-workers, friends...everyone. That I never really fit in with any of them because I was someone that lived with her heart on her sleeve. I felt everything, right there, on the surface. I was emotional. Passionate. I have become much more guarded over the years for various reasons. There is a very thick wall around my heart and I have no intentions of ever letting anyone break through it.

I use to pray, constantly, to God to please, please not let my husband ever leave me if I fell behind him. If I wasn't enough for him. If I became too depressed, too scared, too broken to be everything I felt he wanted me to be. "Please," I would plead, "please just let him wait for me. Wait until I can be who he wants. Don't let him stop loving me." When I came to the realization that I would never be the woman he wanted me to be and that he would never be the man I wanted him to be, it never even occurred to me that maybe, MAYBE over the years he DID see himself failing me as a man. As my husband. Maybe he was pleading, in his own way, for me to wait for him. For him to change. For him to learn to love me the way my heart needs to be loved.

Of course if he did he never communicated those wishes to me. Ever. That is one area I think he will never quite excel in- communication. I can't be sure this was ever something he felt or thought. What I do know is when he took our kids for dinner last night while I was at work, he had my car and he changed the CD in the player to the above one and to the above song. When I got in my car to take Logan to school this morning, this was the song I heard. I doubt this was intentional on his part. I don't know for sure, of course. In any event, it made me wonder. Maybe, just maybe, he has realized his faults. His shortcomings. The part his behavior towards me played in the demise of our marriage. Maybe. Maybe it wasn't just me.

Or maybe like most things in life, it was a pure coincidence.

Thursdays With Meredith...

I am going to start something of a feature here at And So It Goes... I am a longtime fan of Grey's Anatomy and every episode I find myself loving something Meredith has said. Most of the things I love are part of her narration but not always. Anyway, at the risk of becoming what I call a "trendy blogger", I present to you, "Thursday's With Meredith". Maybe I will even start referring to it as TWM and then, like PINT with @Kristin_OPC you will all know exactly what it is. OOOHHH!!! Maybe I will go one step further and hash tag it. #TWM #WIN

Ok, I am straying. I have 2 followers and they're both going to read this and laugh. And then JMK is going to call her husband in the room and go, "Our adopted daughter is blogging not only about her love for bad tv, but her big, brass, balls again." (Yeah, I haven't mentioned those yet, but you just wait. That will be a fun post.)

So, I know it's not Thursday and I will have another post tomorrow with a different quote, but this one is just too good not to share right now. This is from last weeks episode, spoken during narration by Meredith. Sometimes I may share my thoughts on the quote (cause you all know how I like to jabber), but I think this is clear enough. I think sometimes people that don't spend a lot of time with their kids forget how they have become the breath and life of a mother's existence.

"You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart; that will take your life and light it up or destroy it. Then you become a mother."

She can turn the world on with her smile...

You might know my cousin, Kristin, who writes a blog I love dearly titled "Only Parent Chronicles". She is pretty much my best friend. I could not make it through life with out her insight, wisdom, knowledge and most importantly her love and support for me no matter what. She may be the only person in the world aside from my mother that really loves me unconditionally. On her blog she refers to me as "Fave Cousin". She created a Twitter account for me with the name @Fave_Cousin (which I have met some pretty amazing people through). It pretty much sums up our opinion of each other. She live 2 states away and while I see her more than any other cousin, aunt or uncle (and honestly I see her more than I see my own siblings who are the next county over) it still makes it difficult because I value our relationship so greatly.

Kristin does a feature on her blog called Post It Note Tuesday, or PINT for short. Today's post its were 2 quotes about life and change. The first was, "Life is an adventure. Embrace it. We are not the same person this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."- William Somerset Maugham

Well, isn't that just the simple truth? People change...at least some things about them do. Or maybe people just adapt. Maybe we're all born one way and nothing ever really changes, we just adapt to the situation around us. This would make sense for those who have ever dealt with someone that has gone through "the program".

The second quote was this, "Take chances. Make mistakes. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave."-Mary Tyler Moore

I talked to you last about changes in my life. The big one, regarding my marriage, I didn't exactly let out. Enough people have learned of it the last 2 days that I feel its safe to say it here, (to my 2 followers who already know!) my husband and I are getting divorced. For me it has been a long time coming. I asked him for a divorce 2 years ago. I have known in my heart since the day I married this man that he simply wasn't the right man for me. So, why, you ask, did I marry him??? I know he is asking himself the same thing. Truth is, I don't know. It seemed easier than breaking up the life we had then . I know! I know! We didn't have kids then. There wasn't a mortgage. There wasn't a mound of medical debt. It would have been so easy then!!! I am one that has to make every single wrong decision before I can see and then make the right one. I have always been that way. Blame my hard headed-ness. Blame my stubborn-ness. Blame my need to do exactly the opposite of what people tell me to do. I don't know why I'm that way, I just am. I am sorry that being that person is bringing my husband, a man that I have loved, great pain and distress. I cannot change that part of who I am.

The part of this last quote that stuck out to me is the part about courage. And bravery. "Pain nourishes courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave." YES!!! Yes. I went through a lot of pain to get to the place where I now have the courage to do what I always knew was right. Fail. I have failed at so many things. I feel finally stepping out of this marriage that has caused me so much pain over the years will only encourage my strength. A strength I lacked 2 years ago.

I have a plaque that hangs in my entry way that I bought about a year ago when my husband and I hit our 5 year anniversary. It reads, "To have courage for whatever comes in life. Everything lies in that." Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. I know he will spend the day mourning what once was and what is now lost. I will spend it at home, with our kids, doing house-wife work and dreaming about a life I always wanted and never had the opportunity to attain. Same thing I've done every year before. Except...this year, I will be doing all those things with a new sense of hope. Hope because I have courage. Courage for whatever comes tomorrow.

Wow! 5 months, huh?

So it has been 5 months since I last posted. I know for my 2 followers it seems like a lifetime, huh?!

Well, I quit bloggin because I lost my internet access. Which was sad because I truly enjoy the outlet this provides me. So, "what happened?" you ask? Well my hubby was laid off last December. Since then he has been trying to make a living as being "self employed", It is far from a fail but just as far from being a success.

I started working out. Since the first week of June I have lost 20 pounds! I started at 148# (5'8") and I now weigh about 125. I. Am. Stoked! But to be honest, I am freaking sick and tired of people commenting on how "thin" or "skinny" I am and it takes every ounce of my self control (which I lack anyway) not to scream, "I'M FUCKING HEALTHY NOW, YOU ASS!!!"

Aside from weight loss I have also made some other life altering decisions that I feel will truly benefit me as a person in a positive manner. That said, my choices will, without a doubt, cause a lot of stress on myself and my family over the next few months. I will not be deterred; however, because I know in my heart and in my head that this choice is what is right for me and my children.

So, what??? you might ask is this big decision?! Unfortunately broadcasting it over the internet at this point is not okay and not what I want.

So now I am pondering what I do want with the new life I am making myself. Here are my initial thoughts:

I want my kids to be happy. Secure with me. Secure with my husband. Secure with our roles in their lives. Their happiness is, by far, my TOP priority.

I want to be happy. This is my second priority. I have spent so long trying to make others happy that I completely lost track of who I am. How I feel. What I want. Where I want to be and who I want in my life. It is actually slightly pathetic how far off track I have gotten. I have always lived as a real person with real thoughts. I have never, ever been fake. In high school a friend made me a CD titled, "For Kate. The most REAL chic I know". Silly? Maybe. But relevant to who I am? absolutely. I still talk to the guy that made me that CD, too. It amazes me that he knew then who I was.

Sigh. So...now what else? God. God led me to this very recent life change over the course of many years. Many years of pain, doubt, guilt, regret, questioning and finally, acceptance. Now, I know I will face judgment by friends, family, etc. I've already faced it by "friends". "Friends" that claim to be Christians-whom, by the way, are of the type that are often most judgmental! What I want to say to these friends is this: I have spent YEARS praying on this situation. Years. I have cried, broken, defeated, alone and asked God to guide me. Help me. Give me a SIGN. Now, signs-I don't believe in them unless I am being slapped upside the head with a Louisville Slugger. Regarding this? I feel I was.So now I'm at acceptance. Excitement for what comes next! I know the next few years will be very rocky. Very challenging. Challenge my faith. Challenge my heart. Challenge my sense of self. Challenge my sense of anything I have ever known. But I know its right. I KNOW, in the bottom of my heart, this choice is right. And that is a lot for me to say. I have made A LOT of poor choices in my life. This is honestly one of the few I feel so incredibly sure of. That's a first.

SO! You 2 followers! I will need your support. I will need your love. I will need your prayers. I will need your undying understanding of ME!

Thank you!!!

Ask not what God can do for you, but what you can do for God

I don't want to sound anything like a Kennedy, trust me...buuuuut...

I have had this topic heavy on my mind for quite some time now. I know there is a time for everything. But there is so many things I want to do and so many things I feel I need to do but I lack the means and inspiration to do them. The list of these things is long, but the one I pray on often is this:

What gift did God give ME? What is my purpose here? and Whom am I to help?

I have spent a lot of time pondering my "gift". I have absolutely zero skills. Making it through a day is a God given miracle for me. So when it comes to being gifted?!...psh...I think I missed that train!
In all seriousness, I believe God gave me a gift. I just pray it makes itself apparent to me before I die.

I assume at this point in my life my purpose here is something I may never understand in this life. I believe I was most likely put here to impact somebody's life in a way I would never see. I'm not (or to my dad, wasn't) a great daughter. I'm a good daughter, but as my life as a mother is so busy I feel more involved in my own life than I do in anyone else. I'm a decent wife (and please believe I am not just hatin' on myself here. I just have a level of expectations for each of my duties which I often fall short of-I realize that is MY issue, but I am trying to gauge myself against what I believe would be an average standard). I'm a very sub--standard mother and this is one of the topics of which I pray on and struggle to excel in.  I am an awful sibling. I'm judgmental and un-supportive of my sister. I have started to at least try on that front though. 

I just feel God's purpose for me is one that I will never know. It's not as if I am a doctor or a member of our armed forces, or involved in our church. This bother's me. I WANT some, even if minimal, sense of direction and purpose. I guess maybe I just need to remember that God does have a purpose for my time here and I may never know.

As far as the people I'm here to help? I don't know. I guess it all comes full circle in this post because I don't want to fool you-I know I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a grand-daughter...I realize that I can be exceptional at each of these things...I guess I just...need to find something that motivates me.

Every week our Pastor speaks of opportunities to get involved in our church. Not only do none of them fit my lifestyle as a mother, but NONE of them appeal to me. I feel like finding God's calling for me to serve would be like finding the man I was meant to love-I'd just know. I have yet to find it.

I am registered on the bone marrow donor list. I thought with my dad's need for blood and stem cells that this would be a place I could help someone else. It's been 2 years and I am still praying for the phone call saying I am a match.

Pray for me. Pray I find some direction, a true north. Pray God gives me guidance to raise my kids with His love in their lives and obvious in my actions and words. Pray that I can be for myself what I long to be for the people I love and the people I have yet to meet.