"The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little."
I came across this today while reading quotes on destiny and love, ideas I have long doubted have any business being used in respect to one another. It seems to me, and this is just my thought process on the fly here, that IF there is one person out there that is truly 'perfect' for you (and I use that term very loosely here. Nobody is perfect. We all know that.) and that is meant to be that you would just...know it. It would be a feeling that was instant. Overwhelming. Like being struck by lightening. I don't mean love at first sight, because that's crap. But I would think it would happen fairly soon after spending some time together. That there would be enough similarities, likes, interest, laughs, physical attrativeness to set that voice of God off in your head that screams, 'HEY!!! This is the person I created for you! To fit you! To walk through life with you and love you the way I meant for people to love one another. Love him back, cherish him, hold him and be grateful you found him!'
I feel like if that something in my brain doesn't go off, then I am settling for something that isn't everything. And I vowed to never do that after my divorce. It isn't that I can't buckle down and give myself to someone. I know I can. I want all the pieces to fit, even if there are a few rough edges. I want be on fire for someone all the way. I've never had that feeling, though. I loved my husband, but it never felt totally fullfilling. I love a lot of things about the man I am with now, but again, I feel something is missing there, too. I don't mean disatisfaction with my life, either. I mean the relationships specifically. I think that if the relationship is meant to be, the other crap is weatherable together.
So I am spending a lot of time lately wondering about this concept of 'love and destiny'. My cousin is getting married 2wks from today. I know her story. I know her history with men in general and with this man she's going to spend the rest of her life with. Since I do know all that, I do believe that this man is actually the one. I know what they've sacrificed to be together. They spent YEARS half a country apart, dated other people and had given up on finding love. Then love brought them back together. I LOVE their story. I admire it. I even envy it. I believe in it whole heartedly. So I guess it does happen. I just haven't gotten to it yet for myself.
Showing posts with label Fave Cousin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fave Cousin. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Someday...Maybe...
When @Kristin_opc first approached me about blogging I had no freaking clue what she was talking about. In fact, I'm pretty sure I made some joke to the tune of oh-you-stuttering-fool. Then she replied with something like, shut-your-freaking-pie-hole-for-2-seconds-you-beautiful-bitch. Then her fingers floated over the keyboard in a flurry of precision and up popped this beautiful page of text describing her life in detail to a public audience I never realized existed.
Now I write this ridiculous little 'blog' which is really just a place I come to blab about nothing, everything and the space in between. It is my teeny tiny sliver of WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT IT TO BE and I love the shit out of it. It is the one place I feel I can be me...or not be me...and it really doesn't matter because no one that reads this little slice of Shit-pie cares! And I love that!
Tonight my friend Mer and I went out to dinner. After dinner we went to the grocery store. We tried on little hats. Big hats. Crazy hats. We had THE. BEST. TIME. I laughed so hard I was crying. At one point we were so hysterically gasping for air in our antics that I think some fellow consumers believed we truly were in need of medical help. It was the best 30 dollars I have ever spent.
I am sure I will hear about it from my husband later, as he is the one 'working', I can't find a job and I am the one divorcing him...so he dictates what money goes where. As far as he in concerned, not a penny should be spent on my having a good time. He will read this post, or see a Tweet I made about it or some "friend" will fill him in on the simple, old-fashioned, good-natured FUN I had and he will take it upon himself to tear me down for it.
I know it was simple, easy fun. He will try and make me feel guilty for it. For going out while my children were at home, asleep, in the beds I tucked them in to before leaving any further needs of theirs to my mom. For doing something that made me laugh until my side hurt in a joyful, innocent pain...why should I feel joy after hurting him so badly? For thinking for one nano-second that life beyond my current situation could contain a shred of joviality when he had tried his damnedest to show none for any other aspect of our life.
If I hear nothing in morning texts from him it will be because he read this blog post and is looking to go against my basic expectations.
Someday, I think, he will remember me as the simple woman he fell in love with.
Someday, I think, he will remember the easy manner in which I would gently rub my feet together, against the grain of the sheets, an equal number of times before falling asleep.
Someday, he may be able to forgive me and remember the specific manner in which I fold towels before carefully stacking them in the linen closet.
Or maybe he won't. Maybe he never saw those things. Maybe he did and he hated them. Maybe the man meant to notice and adore them hasn't yet entered my life.
Maybe.
But maybe...maybe there's a lot a little bit of the right kind of love can do.
Now I write this ridiculous little 'blog' which is really just a place I come to blab about nothing, everything and the space in between. It is my teeny tiny sliver of WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT IT TO BE and I love the shit out of it. It is the one place I feel I can be me...or not be me...and it really doesn't matter because no one that reads this little slice of Shit-pie cares! And I love that!
Tonight my friend Mer and I went out to dinner. After dinner we went to the grocery store. We tried on little hats. Big hats. Crazy hats. We had THE. BEST. TIME. I laughed so hard I was crying. At one point we were so hysterically gasping for air in our antics that I think some fellow consumers believed we truly were in need of medical help. It was the best 30 dollars I have ever spent.
I am sure I will hear about it from my husband later, as he is the one 'working', I can't find a job and I am the one divorcing him...so he dictates what money goes where. As far as he in concerned, not a penny should be spent on my having a good time. He will read this post, or see a Tweet I made about it or some "friend" will fill him in on the simple, old-fashioned, good-natured FUN I had and he will take it upon himself to tear me down for it.
I know it was simple, easy fun. He will try and make me feel guilty for it. For going out while my children were at home, asleep, in the beds I tucked them in to before leaving any further needs of theirs to my mom. For doing something that made me laugh until my side hurt in a joyful, innocent pain...why should I feel joy after hurting him so badly? For thinking for one nano-second that life beyond my current situation could contain a shred of joviality when he had tried his damnedest to show none for any other aspect of our life.
If I hear nothing in morning texts from him it will be because he read this blog post and is looking to go against my basic expectations.
Someday, I think, he will remember me as the simple woman he fell in love with.
Someday, I think, he will remember the easy manner in which I would gently rub my feet together, against the grain of the sheets, an equal number of times before falling asleep.
Someday, he may be able to forgive me and remember the specific manner in which I fold towels before carefully stacking them in the linen closet.
Or maybe he won't. Maybe he never saw those things. Maybe he did and he hated them. Maybe the man meant to notice and adore them hasn't yet entered my life.
Maybe.
But maybe...maybe there's a lot a little bit of the right kind of love can do.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Irish Pride...
Pride is a funny thing. I will spare you Webster's definition, mostly because I think if you have a strong sense of it, then you already know what I'm talking about. I have a hard time swallowing my pride and when I feel my sense of pride is being threatened, I tend to get very defensive...and I cry.
Today I had to go into the Department of Health Services and apply for medical assistance and...>>>swallow<<<...food stamps. I could have had my husband go do it. I could have lugged all three of my kids in there with me as a ploy to attract a sympathetic case worker. I chose to go alone. My thought was it would make the trip quicker and the less time I had to sit in an office where everyone around me knows why I am there then the better for my pride.
I had to wait for about 20 minutes before I could be seen, even though there wasn't anyone else waiting when I got there. By the time the case worker called my name there were maybe 7 or 8 people waiting. As I expected, the case worker was all business. No friendly smile, no sympathy for the situation my family is in, not even a "How 'bout them Bears?!". She went through the application, took my information-all without ever making eye contact with me. She then asked, what I assume is a standard question asked to all applicants, "Do you need family planning assistance, ie-birth control?" I responded that no, I did not. She then, for the first time during the interview, looked up from her computer, looked me in the eye and said, "Ya sure?"
After I decked her in the nose...I mean, after I cleared my throat, I said, "No, my husband and I both took measures to ensure we wouldn't be having more children after our third child was born with a heart condition." And you will not believe the response I received after that.Without missing a beat and without breaking eye contact she says, "Who's paying for that?"
I was so angry, I was speechless. The latter of those two doesn't happen too often. I took a breath, smiled and said, "He's currently healthy". We finished the interview and she continued her rudeness- though from then on it was really just her demeanor, meaning she stuck to the questions on the application and kept her eyes on the computer. She informed me I had 24 hours to turn in the required documentation to the office and that she "simply wouldn't be able to get to" my case until Thursday at the earliest. I thanked her, smiled and left.
I got as far as the parking lot before the tears poured from my eyes.
Like I said, pride is a funny thing. If it weren't for the 3 precious babies that give me a reason to smile each and everyday, I never would have been able to walk in that office and would have rather gone hungry. Fave Cousin wanted to call the office and raise hell. I probably should have let her, though I doubt it would make any difference. My mom tells me I deserve the benefits of a system she, my dad and my husband and I have spent years paying into. That it was a system started to help people in my situation-out of work and just trying to scrape by. That the reason it is so corrupted is the outrageous number of people that have abused and manipulated it. She told me to hold my head high. Of course that is easier said than done sometimes.
I don't want anything more than to provide basic needs for my family. I'm not sure why God has given me some of the struggles He has. All I know is it is up to me how I react to them. If that means swallowing my pride, holding my head high and walking into the public aid office so my kids can have food and medical coverage, then that's what I'll do. Even if I have to cry in the parking lot later.
Today I had to go into the Department of Health Services and apply for medical assistance and...>>>swallow<<<...food stamps. I could have had my husband go do it. I could have lugged all three of my kids in there with me as a ploy to attract a sympathetic case worker. I chose to go alone. My thought was it would make the trip quicker and the less time I had to sit in an office where everyone around me knows why I am there then the better for my pride.
I had to wait for about 20 minutes before I could be seen, even though there wasn't anyone else waiting when I got there. By the time the case worker called my name there were maybe 7 or 8 people waiting. As I expected, the case worker was all business. No friendly smile, no sympathy for the situation my family is in, not even a "How 'bout them Bears?!". She went through the application, took my information-all without ever making eye contact with me. She then asked, what I assume is a standard question asked to all applicants, "Do you need family planning assistance, ie-birth control?" I responded that no, I did not. She then, for the first time during the interview, looked up from her computer, looked me in the eye and said, "Ya sure?"
After I decked her in the nose...I mean, after I cleared my throat, I said, "No, my husband and I both took measures to ensure we wouldn't be having more children after our third child was born with a heart condition." And you will not believe the response I received after that.Without missing a beat and without breaking eye contact she says, "Who's paying for that?"
I was so angry, I was speechless. The latter of those two doesn't happen too often. I took a breath, smiled and said, "He's currently healthy". We finished the interview and she continued her rudeness- though from then on it was really just her demeanor, meaning she stuck to the questions on the application and kept her eyes on the computer. She informed me I had 24 hours to turn in the required documentation to the office and that she "simply wouldn't be able to get to" my case until Thursday at the earliest. I thanked her, smiled and left.
I got as far as the parking lot before the tears poured from my eyes.
Like I said, pride is a funny thing. If it weren't for the 3 precious babies that give me a reason to smile each and everyday, I never would have been able to walk in that office and would have rather gone hungry. Fave Cousin wanted to call the office and raise hell. I probably should have let her, though I doubt it would make any difference. My mom tells me I deserve the benefits of a system she, my dad and my husband and I have spent years paying into. That it was a system started to help people in my situation-out of work and just trying to scrape by. That the reason it is so corrupted is the outrageous number of people that have abused and manipulated it. She told me to hold my head high. Of course that is easier said than done sometimes.
I don't want anything more than to provide basic needs for my family. I'm not sure why God has given me some of the struggles He has. All I know is it is up to me how I react to them. If that means swallowing my pride, holding my head high and walking into the public aid office so my kids can have food and medical coverage, then that's what I'll do. Even if I have to cry in the parking lot later.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Annoyed and somewhat philosophical...all at once...
So, this blog has no sense of direction. I'm ok with that because I don't know where I'm going. There are a few things I do know, though. Here's my list. And, I will say in advance to Fave Cousin and JMK, I love you both. Ya'll are just crazier than me!
Football may just be the dumbest sport in the world. Really. But I know this-the Bears rock. The Packers, Vikes and Patriots are NEVER to be rooted for. Bear down!
Never love something that is replaceable. If you do, than you never loved it anyway. So stop frontin'.
Tom Brady is fat. And probably blind.
Glen Beck is NOT the devil. And in my experience, the people I hear spewing bogus comments about him, have never actually taken the time to WATCH a show, LISTEN to a show and HEAR what he's saying. So don't form an opinion until you can honestly state the FACTS of both sides. And with that said, I don't care which side holds the house, so long as Pelosi is kicked to the curb. The woman "smiles" all the time. That much plastic surgery requires artificial tears, which is why she doesn't cry. FACT.
Eating 4 cream cheese stuffed jalepeno peppers all by yourself will light your ass on fire. I'm not being crude, its simply the truth.
God loves you no matter what you do. And it doesn't matter WHAT you do, it matters WHO you are. So all these people that are worried about attaining enough "points" to go to heaven need to slow their roll and take stock in WHO they are. I think they will find they've spent too much time worrying about the WHAT and not enough time worrying about the WHO.
Take care of your siblings. They are the only ones you have. And while you may have chosen different ones, given the option, these are the ones God gave you. So let them make poor choices. Let them think they are smarter than they are. After all, you didn't learn everything you know by taking the route someone else planned for you, did you?
Espresso is delicious. It MAY be the devil's heroin. But it is a necessity of life. Don't deprive me. I get cranky.
There is no way to simply root for Chicago baseball. PICK. A. TEAM. Us real fans do NOT take lightly to your fair-weather tendencies and we do NOT find it cute. (By the way, I bleed blue and no, I don't have much acceptance for anyone that does not!)
Kids grow up too quickly. LIFE goes by to quickly. One day you are 13 years old, playing basketball on the town traveling team and you think THAT will be your life. The next day you have a newborn baby and 5 minutes go by and you have 3! One day you find yourself watching your dad, who was strong as an ox, leave the life he so often seemed afraid to LIVE and go to a place where he will really LIVE forever.
So, I guess my point may be this: Learn to let things go. Love without reservations. Find God, if you haven't. Love Him, if you don't. Find a way to cherish the life you have, even if it isn't what you ever thought it would be. You are here for a reason. Be who you are and spend less time being who you think others want you to be. In the words of a good friend, (kind of), "You never know the legacy you could leave through your children...their children and so on."
Football may just be the dumbest sport in the world. Really. But I know this-the Bears rock. The Packers, Vikes and Patriots are NEVER to be rooted for. Bear down!
Never love something that is replaceable. If you do, than you never loved it anyway. So stop frontin'.
Tom Brady is fat. And probably blind.
Glen Beck is NOT the devil. And in my experience, the people I hear spewing bogus comments about him, have never actually taken the time to WATCH a show, LISTEN to a show and HEAR what he's saying. So don't form an opinion until you can honestly state the FACTS of both sides. And with that said, I don't care which side holds the house, so long as Pelosi is kicked to the curb. The woman "smiles" all the time. That much plastic surgery requires artificial tears, which is why she doesn't cry. FACT.
Eating 4 cream cheese stuffed jalepeno peppers all by yourself will light your ass on fire. I'm not being crude, its simply the truth.
God loves you no matter what you do. And it doesn't matter WHAT you do, it matters WHO you are. So all these people that are worried about attaining enough "points" to go to heaven need to slow their roll and take stock in WHO they are. I think they will find they've spent too much time worrying about the WHAT and not enough time worrying about the WHO.
Take care of your siblings. They are the only ones you have. And while you may have chosen different ones, given the option, these are the ones God gave you. So let them make poor choices. Let them think they are smarter than they are. After all, you didn't learn everything you know by taking the route someone else planned for you, did you?
Espresso is delicious. It MAY be the devil's heroin. But it is a necessity of life. Don't deprive me. I get cranky.
There is no way to simply root for Chicago baseball. PICK. A. TEAM. Us real fans do NOT take lightly to your fair-weather tendencies and we do NOT find it cute. (By the way, I bleed blue and no, I don't have much acceptance for anyone that does not!)
Kids grow up too quickly. LIFE goes by to quickly. One day you are 13 years old, playing basketball on the town traveling team and you think THAT will be your life. The next day you have a newborn baby and 5 minutes go by and you have 3! One day you find yourself watching your dad, who was strong as an ox, leave the life he so often seemed afraid to LIVE and go to a place where he will really LIVE forever.
So, I guess my point may be this: Learn to let things go. Love without reservations. Find God, if you haven't. Love Him, if you don't. Find a way to cherish the life you have, even if it isn't what you ever thought it would be. You are here for a reason. Be who you are and spend less time being who you think others want you to be. In the words of a good friend, (kind of), "You never know the legacy you could leave through your children...their children and so on."
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