#TWM

So...I recently started re-watching all seasons of Grey's available on Netfix. It will forever be my favorite show. Not because of the stories, (which have quickly gained an absolutely ridiculous standing), but because of the narratives that bring it all home and together and always, always, always strike a fabulous chord with me. And somehow, the episodes I watch at the times they happen to be seen, fall into whatever place I am stuck in my head and make me feel at peace with being me. So, despite the abhorrence some of you may have for my favorite show, I give you, in no particular order, some of my most favorite Meredith quotes (and others). Enjoy. I hope they bring you some of the solace they so often give me. 

"At the end of the day when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about it each other?...its usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to. And once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by, no matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure sometimes close can be too close, but sometimes that invasion of personal space? It can be exactly what you need." -Meredith

"It can be scary to find out you've been wrong about something. But we can't be afraid to change our minds, to accept that things are different...that they'll never be the same-for better or for worse. We have to be willing to give up what we use to believe. The more we're willing to accept what is and not what we thought...we'll find ourselves exactly where we belong." -Meredith

"It might be hard for a surgeon to admit, but there's no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are and let the world see you that way, too. A little self awareness never hurt anybody. Because when you know who you are its easier to know what you're about and ultimately, what you really need." -Meredith

When we follow our hearts, when we choose not to settle, it's funny isn't it?...a weight lifts, the sun shines a little brighter...and for a brief moment at least, we find a little peace. -Meredith

It's one of those things that people say, you can't move on until you let go of the past. Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes we fight it, try and keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let go. Move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow." -Meredith

"Actually finding out that you've been looking at things wrong all along can be sort of liberating and suddenly you see new potential...new possibilities, where you'd never seen them before and that's all fine when a hopeless situation suddenly looks good. Unfortunately, sometimes it goes the other way. -Meredith"

Cristina: There's a club, the dead dad's club and you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize, you can try to feel that loss...my dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club.

George: I...I, I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't.

Cristina: Yeah, that never really changes. 


"At some point maybe we accept that the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that the reality is better. We convince ourselves its better that we never dream at all, but the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold on to the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And if we're lucky we realize, in the face of everything, in the face of life, our true dream is being able to dream at all. -Meredith"

Even though you already know, I thought I'd let you know...

"You don't have to go to sleep, honey. I know you're a night owl."

Huh?

"You don't have to sleep now just because I am."

I know. I'm tired though.

...ten minutes go by and I'm out of bed, he's snoring and I'm blogging.

TSMA has asked me many times, but most recently a week or so ago, why I am so "into" him. 'I don't know, you're fucking retarded', is the answer I most often give. Him asking and that not being a sufficient enough answer (though, I really don't understand why it's not. Given my history with men, I would think it would be taken as a compliment, but WHATEVER), I actually started thinking about it and have began listing the reasons in my mental log of All Things Awesome (that's right, Kev. You've become part of The Awesome).

I believe if I were to start listing these things, however, he would find massive errors and reason to complain about the things I deem as admirable qualities. He is mildly egotistical, though beautifully humble. But he knows that.

He is wonderfully hilarious and depressingly realistic. But he knows that.

He is comfortably reasonable, but irrational. But he knows that.

He's a phenomonal listener and reciprocates appropriately, but he knows that.

He is a compassionate dad that encourages and coaches and supports his kids with a love I know all too well. I know he knows that because it's why he lives and breathes.

He's conservativly passionate and desires to please...and I'm betting he knows that, too.

He is specifically observant and willing to adjust his almost stone-set ways, but he knows that.

He's warm. The kind of warm that warrants a warning label stating he is not resposible for items within 10 feet of him combusting. I'm pretty certain he knows that.

He's handsome and charming and thrills me with his simple smile and signature chuckle. He defintely knows that.

He is my biggest fan. More than anyone I have ever known in my life, he wants me to succeed and provides all the necessary feedback and encouragment to give me, my biggest critic, reason to believe I can. He definitely knows that. He tells me so all the time.

He sometimes looks at me in that way one does when they're happy with the simple fact that you're a part of their life. I know he already knows that. It's again something he verbalizes to me often.

So, you see...there just isn't a list of things I can give him because I think that the reason behind the question is to hear things you aren't already aware of yourself. I mean...that's why I would ask. So...I started thinking of those things, you know, paying closer attention to the mental dialogue I somewhat subconciously run when I am with him...trying to create some sort of list of validating character traits I am falling stupidly for that may be worthy of his reading because I possibly found a few things this Stark-like ego doesn't already know about.

My entire life, when falling asleep, I have always rubbed my foot against the sheets. I never realized I was doing it until my ex-husband so callously pointed out to me that I was going to wear a hole in the sheets with my habitual bedtime ritual. I became aware, from that point on, of the fact that I even did this rhythmic dance every night. I think I have once, since sharing a bed with TSMA, gone through this previously needed action. I would be shocked if he knew the signficance it once was or the necessary peace of mind it once brought me. Since knowing him, it's disappeared.

I know it seems vague and insignifcant. I think the men in my life that are familiar with the annoyance of it will find it's disappearance a God given miracle and the fact that I can pin point that, even more signifcant.

So, sweet man of mine, I'm sorry I don't have a long, beautiful list of reasons I adore you. I know I feel the reasons, my abilty to express them sucks because I cannot verbalize my thoughts with any sort of elegance or grace. And I really don't know that you want to hear me stroke your ego for things you already know you do and are. Maybe I'm wrong, though, because sometimes I need to hear those kinds of things about myself.

Oh, and I look amazing in just his Hawks jersey...I'm certain he's well aware of that little fact, though...

In any event, honey, I'm happy I know you, too.

TWM...Accepting What Is...

"It can be scary to find out you've been wrong about something. But we can't be afraid to change our minds, to accept that things are different...that they'll never be the same-for better or for worse. We have to be willing to give up what we use to believe. The more we're willing to accept what is and not what we thought...we'll find ourselves exactly where we belong." -Meredith

TWM...Knowing Yourself...

"It might be hard for a surgeon to admit, but there's no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are and let the world see you that way, too. A little self awareness never hurt anybody. Because when you know who you are its easier to know what you're about and ultimately, what you really need." -Meredith

"When you know who you are its easier to know what you're about and ultimately, what you really need."...well isn't that EXACTLY what I've been saying the last year or so???

I came home today and there was little trace that you'd ever even existed as a part of my life. Your shelf was cleaned out in the closet. All the piles of your laundry were missing from the stacks that were scattered on the floor. No one would ever notice, but I knew they were gone. There's an empty spot on the top shelf of my closet where your Guitar Hero instruments had sat. I walked into the bathroom and the drawer that had your toothbrush, hair product and cologne were gone. Seeing your things gone struck me in a way that made me inhale and quickly catch my breath. In that moment I caught a whiff of your cologne. And it made my heart hurt. I walked back into my bedroom and looked around. I saw my robe laying on my bed, just as I'd left it. I looked at it and wondered if you'd even picked it up to smell the collar, which I know holds the scent of my shampoo and perfume, or was exiting my life easy for you? I looked at my pillow hoping you'd left whatever tshirt you'd been wearing when you cleared your things from my home so that I could sleep in it. Smell it. Close my eyes and imagine you here. But you hadn't. Suddenly I felt so exhausted, alone and vulnerable. I unzipped my jeans, slid them off and grabbed a blanket off the couch. I buried my face into a pillow and slept for three hours this afternoon, in a ball, on my couch. When I awoke it was dark outside and as I blinked the distorted figures around me into focus, I found myself looking for you.

This isn't easy for me. I know it's right, right now, but it certainly isn't easy. And I hope it isn't as easy for you as you make it look. To think I meant anything less than everything to you after all you said breaks my heart. I hope, too, that if we do come to be again in the future, that we can be the best versions of ourselves for each other.

I just saw your key laying by the door. The exhaustion I felt earlier is back. My body aches and the last thing I want to do is crawl into my bed without you tonight. I feel like you don't even notice I'm missing.

Love Shouldn't Be Anything Less Than Lightning In A Bottle...

"The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little."

I came across this today while reading quotes on destiny and love, ideas I have long doubted have any business being used in respect to one another. It seems to me, and this is just my thought process on the fly here, that IF there is one person out there that is truly 'perfect' for you (and I use that term very loosely here. Nobody is perfect. We all know that.) and that is meant to be that you would just...know it. It would be a feeling that was instant. Overwhelming. Like being struck by lightening. I don't mean love at first sight, because that's crap. But I would think it would happen fairly soon after spending some time together. That there would be enough similarities, likes, interest, laughs, physical attrativeness to set that voice of God off in your head that screams, 'HEY!!! This is the person I created for you! To fit you! To walk through life with you and love you the way I meant for people to love one another. Love him back, cherish him, hold him and be grateful you found him!'

I feel like if that something in my brain doesn't go off, then I am settling for something that isn't everything. And I vowed to never do that after my divorce. It isn't that I can't buckle down and give myself to someone. I know I can. I want all the pieces to fit, even if there are a few rough edges. I want be on fire for someone all the way. I've never had that feeling, though. I loved my husband, but it never felt totally fullfilling. I love a lot of things about the man I am with now, but again, I feel something is missing there, too. I don't mean disatisfaction with my life, either. I mean the relationships specifically. I think that if the relationship is meant to be, the other crap is weatherable together.

So I am spending a lot of time lately wondering about this concept of 'love and destiny'. My cousin is getting married 2wks from today. I know her story. I know her history with men in general and with this man she's going to spend the rest of her life with. Since I do know all that, I do believe that this man is actually the one. I know what they've sacrificed to be together. They spent YEARS half a country apart, dated other people and had given up on finding love. Then love brought them back together. I LOVE their story. I admire it. I even envy it. I believe in it whole heartedly. So I guess it does happen. I just haven't gotten to it yet for myself.

No Expectations...

Why did God send me you? Why did our paths cross? Did I gain or lose something in our time so far that has gone unnoticed by me? Being a firm believer of everything happens for a reason, you would think I wouldn't feel the need to have answers to these questions. I usually don't need to know. I may struggle with worry and stress over one topic for a short while, but in the end I let it go because I know I don't have control over most things. I never need to know because I have faith. The utmost faith. Faith stronger than I ever thought possible. I have to. At the end of the day, faith is all I have. Its all one should ever need. Then why can't I let it go, knowing what I do about faith? Why can't I just let it play out? Not play out? 


Maybe its nothing. Maybe you were simply here to do something that has already been done that I didn't even see happen...but if that's the case then why do I have this tugging in the back of my brain when I think about you? In my heart when I dream about you? Why, even when I try to push your existence under and let you drift away, do you always resurface? 


The dream is just that, a dream. I know that. I have never lived in Fantasy Land. I lost my belief in Prince Charming, white horses and glass slippers by the time I turned 15. But still you're here. It's not that I even think your existence in my life is for the purpose of romance or love at all. I really don't.


The reality is cruel. Harsh. Unfair. Life is all those things. The dreamer in me desperately wants to kick the shit out of the realist I am. Even knowing the reality of it all, I still cling to that possibility and am willing to take the chance. I don't see any reason not to. 


I am at a position in my life where taking a risk such as the one we've posed isn't going to be much of a risk at all. I have no expectations. No expectations. I simply have this tugging in my head and in my heart and that's all I know. Right now, its enough.