TWM...Double Whammy...

So last week I slacked off and didn't make a TWM post. Here are 2 good ones to make up for last weeks super-slacker-ness. Both of them definitely describe a good part of my life lately, too. Happy Thursday!

When we're headed toward an outcome that's too horrible to face, that's when we go looking for a second opinion. And sometimes, the answer we get just confirms our worst fears. But sometimes, it can shed new light on the problem, make you see it in a whole new way. After all the opinions have been heard and every point of view has been considered, you finally find what you're after - the truth. But the truth isn't where it ends, that's just where you begin again with a whole new set of questions. -Meredith

Ask most surgeons why they became surgeons and they usually tell you the same thing. The high. The rush. The thrill of the cut. For me it was the quiet. Peace isn't a permanent state. It exists in moments. Fleeting. Gone before we knew it was there. We can experience it at any time, in a stranger's act of kindness, a task that requires complete focus or simply the comfort of an old routine. Everyday we all experience these moments of peace. The trick is to know when they're happening so that we can embrace them, live in them. And finally let them go. -Derek

Foodcation...

So I stole the title of this post from The Blue Zoo because I like it sooooo much! This last weekend I took a Foodcation. Basically a Foodcation is a vacation where you eat and eat and eat, don't count calories and while I had every intention to run throughout my Foodcation, I did not. Here's the silly part-well there are a few very silly parts, but here is one- remember my post I'd Die For Food ? The comment I received was from JMK, 'member her? The wonderful wife of John, whose four member family was basically my second family and home growing up? Anyway-I took my Foodcation to St. Louis to visit her and John. And boy oh boy DID. WE. EAT. We put those competitive eating freaks to shame. It was awesome. Except today when I got on my scale and it read 10lbs higher than it did Friday before I left. 10. Pounds. Higher. EW.

Anyway, by this coming Friday I am thinking that number will be back to normal so I am not going to obsess about it (yeah right. You know me. I'll weigh myself 4 times a day and run doubles all week...sigh). What could have possibly made me add the weight a large infant to my physique? Hmmmm...where to start. Well, on the 6 hour drive down there I stopped for Subway. I ordered my normal veggie on flatbread...and then I grabbed a bag of Cheetos AND a...Oh-hush-my-foul-mouth...POP. Then I got to St. Louis. We started with chips and dip. Then we had burgers. After burgers they took me for froyo (no red velvet, but I still loaded it with all kinds of crap).

Saturday morning, in addition to about 4 cups of Kahlua flavored coffee, Joanie made french toast and bacon. The THICK french toast. And I drank OJ. I was so stuffed. After that Joanie and I went shopping in downtown St. Charles which is this historic little town that sits on the Missouri River. There are a ton of cute little shops, including this AWESOME olive oil and balsamic vinegar shop that, well, I can't even describe it because you'd just have to see it. There are about 30 different jug-like-vats that are full of different flavored oils and vinegars. Crazy flavors. Like truffle, lemon, Tuscan, chocolate, vanilla, raspberry, mint...the list goes on! We spent quite a while in there tasting different oils and vinegars. It was by far one of the coolest places I have ever visited.

We wandered into an Irish store at one point and I saw this coffee mug I fell in love with immediately. I was thrilled to discover Joanie secretly purchased it for me and later surprised me with it once we returned home.

Isn't it great?! After living away from home since I was 18 and moving myself and my kiddos back into the house I grew up in, I find this more than appropriate! I just love it and have used it every day since she bought it for me. AND it holds almost half a pot of coffee at once!!!

We also were in this shop that upon entering appears to be a bakery/coffee shop. Joanie led me through the place, winding through a very narrow hallway and two rooms before entering a room at the back of the building that was full, from floor to ceiling, wall to wall, of bottles of HOT SAUCE!!! I think my jaw literally dropped. It was so cool. There were HUNDREDS of them; I swear! And of course they all had awesome names. We perused this place for quite a while laughing (at times loudly) at the names of some of the sauces. I eventually settled on two different kinds, 'Screamin' Sphincter' and 'Hot As Shit Hot Sauce'. We left there and went to this cute little outdoor patio restaurant where we shared a plate of nachos that were piled with all kinds of delicious toppings. Joanie LOVED the thick sliced jalapenos (hehehe). For dinner we made beer can chicken (with butter boobies), had a salad of fresh mozza, basil and romas (which Joanie drizzled with some of the flavored balsamic from that awesome little store) and baked sweet potatoes that were each the size of a freaking football. Then we watched movies.

Sunday was my last day there and for breakfast we had omelets. YUM. I don't even think we had lunch, just snacked...on homemade guac and chips!!! We then spent all day deciding on a dinner. We planned to make big-ass pork chops, red potatoes with butter and fresh minced parsley, a GRILLED salad (uh-huh, I said grilled and salad) and a blueberry goat cheese pie that sounded truly sinful. We made an epic grocery list that included all ingredients necessary for the above recipes but also had Twizzlers, ice cream and crackers (because SOMEHOW 2 sleeves of crackers disappeared. I have NO idea how that happened. I think the Puglies had something to do with it). Then we're getting ready to go to the store and decide we'd rather just watch football and go into a vegetative food-coma. So we ordered in Mexican and watched football on the 51" flat panel-OUTSIDE!!! Yep. While Joanie and I cut up veggies and mixed up the guac, John disconnected the TV and hooked it up outside on the patio. It was freaking great. Really, really great. We watched the Cards lose to the Brewers (YAY!) and then moved the TV back inside where we watched a movie, the Packers game and just relaxed. It was exactly what I needed.

OH!!! And I cannot forget to tell you all about the two trips Joanie and I made to the grocery store this last weekend. Yes. Two trips because apparently in St. Louis you shop one days worth at a time. Or maybe that is just a John and Joanie thing ;-) Anyway, the first time we went to the store and were wandering around aimlessly, chatting and deciding what other unhealthy item we HAD to buy, the store manager stopped us with a, "How YOU doin'?" and very obviously (though I wasn't watching, Joanie said it was a little gross how obvious) looked us up and down...TWICE. Then the second time we went into the store, on Sunday, I was wearing my Cutler jeresy, Joanie was in a Bears shirt, too, and some balding dude started chatting us up in the checkout line regarding the Cardinals and Rams. He looked in our cart, full of junk food, and truly sounded like he wanted an invite to our afternoon food party. It was quite hilarious. I won't even tell you about meeting their new (tattooed!) neighbor...

I had such a truly awesome time. I was able to relax. Visit with people I love. While I can't say I have a fully restored soul, I can tell you it is really the first time I have felt at ease in a while. I can't wait to visit again. I think next time I would like to bring the kids with and see the city. I hear there is a lot to see and do in St. Louis...

'Nuff Said...

Piano Song
Heartless Bastards

You cannot take anything away from me
My spirit won't break cause there's nothing left you see
You wanna take your poison arrow and pierce it through
My heart
But no sad songs for the sparrow because I was dead
Right from the start
I got strength in my mind, I got strength in my soul
And I will never fit, fit into a mold
Because oh I know me better than you will ever know
So why don't you just leave me
Please leave me alone
Time it takes it's toll but at least I still got my soul
And there's nothing you can do to change that
That's just the way it is
This wells run dry cause I bled right from the start

Wow! 5 months, huh?

So it has been 5 months since I last posted. I know for my 2 followers it seems like a lifetime, huh?!

Well, I quit bloggin because I lost my internet access. Which was sad because I truly enjoy the outlet this provides me. So, "what happened?" you ask? Well my hubby was laid off last December. Since then he has been trying to make a living as being "self employed", It is far from a fail but just as far from being a success.

I started working out. Since the first week of June I have lost 20 pounds! I started at 148# (5'8") and I now weigh about 125. I. Am. Stoked! But to be honest, I am freaking sick and tired of people commenting on how "thin" or "skinny" I am and it takes every ounce of my self control (which I lack anyway) not to scream, "I'M FUCKING HEALTHY NOW, YOU ASS!!!"

Aside from weight loss I have also made some other life altering decisions that I feel will truly benefit me as a person in a positive manner. That said, my choices will, without a doubt, cause a lot of stress on myself and my family over the next few months. I will not be deterred; however, because I know in my heart and in my head that this choice is what is right for me and my children.

So, what??? you might ask is this big decision?! Unfortunately broadcasting it over the internet at this point is not okay and not what I want.

So now I am pondering what I do want with the new life I am making myself. Here are my initial thoughts:

I want my kids to be happy. Secure with me. Secure with my husband. Secure with our roles in their lives. Their happiness is, by far, my TOP priority.

I want to be happy. This is my second priority. I have spent so long trying to make others happy that I completely lost track of who I am. How I feel. What I want. Where I want to be and who I want in my life. It is actually slightly pathetic how far off track I have gotten. I have always lived as a real person with real thoughts. I have never, ever been fake. In high school a friend made me a CD titled, "For Kate. The most REAL chic I know". Silly? Maybe. But relevant to who I am? absolutely. I still talk to the guy that made me that CD, too. It amazes me that he knew then who I was.

Sigh. So...now what else? God. God led me to this very recent life change over the course of many years. Many years of pain, doubt, guilt, regret, questioning and finally, acceptance. Now, I know I will face judgment by friends, family, etc. I've already faced it by "friends". "Friends" that claim to be Christians-whom, by the way, are of the type that are often most judgmental! What I want to say to these friends is this: I have spent YEARS praying on this situation. Years. I have cried, broken, defeated, alone and asked God to guide me. Help me. Give me a SIGN. Now, signs-I don't believe in them unless I am being slapped upside the head with a Louisville Slugger. Regarding this? I feel I was.So now I'm at acceptance. Excitement for what comes next! I know the next few years will be very rocky. Very challenging. Challenge my faith. Challenge my heart. Challenge my sense of self. Challenge my sense of anything I have ever known. But I know its right. I KNOW, in the bottom of my heart, this choice is right. And that is a lot for me to say. I have made A LOT of poor choices in my life. This is honestly one of the few I feel so incredibly sure of. That's a first.

SO! You 2 followers! I will need your support. I will need your love. I will need your prayers. I will need your undying understanding of ME!

Thank you!!!