Learning who you are after marriage is NOT like riding a bike. This
has become so abundantly apparent in the last week. Holding onto your
morals and values when you're hurting inside and in need of some sort of
fulfillment- emotional, physical or my personal favorite which I so
lovingly call, "Eat-'Til-I-Hate-Myself", is a difficult thing. I thought
I knew who I was. What I wanted. Who I wanted to become. I hate that a
huge part of me is no longer certain. Then again, I am beginning to
believe that I have never really been certain.
I got
married very young. Everyone around me told me this. I think for some
people that may be ok. To get married young, that is. I think for some
people those marriages last. In my case, I think I needed time to become
more familiar with who I am, what I believe in and where I wanted my
life to go. My husband is not a bad man. He can be very kind. He is a
good father to our children. There was a time he was a good man to me
and I trusted him more than I trusted anyone. I never felt like things
were right, exactly, with us but I was alright with that for a long
time.
I talked with a friend tonight that is on his
second marriage. His first one ended when he was 22. Short, sweet and
while he explained his sadness for the marriage failing, he understood
it was over and said it ended without too much drama. He agreed that
marrying before you know who you are is a bad idea. One needs time to
get to know the person they are. Make a choice on who they want to be.
Decide what they want in their life before they can even possibly
attempt
to put forth the effort, respect, compromise and understanding required
to try and make a marriage work. I know this now. I wish I had realized
before. Now this isn't saying that I think people don't change. They
certainly do. I don't know anyone that is the same person they were 10
years ago. I don't know anyone now that will be the same in 10 years. I
just think that one needs to commit to a good foundation before being
capable of committing to a lifetime with another person.
I
think once a marriage fails, despite the reasons or whether or not you
were the one facilitating the demise of it, everyone must go through a
period of grief and recovery. I think like grieving over the death of a
loved one, each person will go through this experience differently.
Recovery takes time. It may mean working out excessively. It may be
binge eating. It may be quilting until your fingers bleed. Anything to
regain the sense of control you once had, were always lacking or always
wanted. But it is definitely a process to heal, recover and eventually
move on as a stronger, better, more whole person. There is not a time
frame for this process to occur in. I don't believe in judging anyone
while trying to work through their process either.
Someday
I think you are able to forgive the person that has hurt you. I hope so
anyway. I can remember a time when my husband was someone I loved.
While that love has long since expired, I pray peace will one day be
possible between us. Just for the kids, even.I am trying very hard to
bite my tongue when he says things to me that would reduce most women to
tears. Not that his remarks haven't gotten to me, its just that I have
learned to let them go. I know better who I am than he does. I know I am
relearning who I am and as is with any learning process, to actually
learn, one must make mistakes, fail and rise above.
So to
him: judge me, call me names, tear me apart and try your damnedest to
break me down. I have spent 10 years letting you take away the little
pieces that made me, ME. It will take me a while to relearn the things I
stand for. To become the woman I always dreamed I was. What you think
of me and my way of learning is none of MY business. By talking to me
the way you do, you are insulting our children. They are part of me and
they are good kids with strong, stubborn streaks and smart mouths. Some
of those things they get from both of us. They are also kind, thoughtful
and caring. ALL traits instilled by me.
You know the
saying, "You never know what you had until its gone"? Well, its
absolutely true. I never knew independence, self worth and a sense of
identity were so important until I lost every bit of it in a marriage
where I was convinced my thoughts, dreams, wants, desires, feelings and
sense of worth didn't matter.
And while I said things never seemed exactly "alright", I'm telling you, there were things I never saw coming.
