Satisfaction-Fulfillment of one's wishes, expectations, or needs, or the pleasure derived from this.
I started a post recently that I never published about the perpetually miserable people of the world. I have never considered myself a miserable person. I find joy in most every part of life and while I have had enough of my own crap to deal with, as we all do, I tend to find the silver lining. Granted I haven't always been like this. I was once a teenager. I attribute my coming around simply to coming of age.
That said...there are people out there that are miserable and while I feel badly, I know they create their own misery. What about those of us that simply wish for more? Those of us that feel life has so much to offer and we want to soak up every ounce of it, even if it means missing out on something that could be lasting and indefintely fullfilling?
I think that there is a huge difference in being miserable and being unsatisfied. I feel I am one of God's favorites. His perpetually unsatisfied. I believe my dad was, too, and I have a few friends that I think fit into this category as well. I don't think this means we are eternally unsatisfied because we have a "the grass is greener on the other side" attitude about things. I think it stems more from a place that believes life has more to give us than we've been able to find. And that is what the search is all about.
I think the people like me are the people that have always, as long as can be remembered, had a void in their soul. One that has always been very much felt. The question that has been burning in my mind lately is not WHAT fills that void-I think it can be a number of things; a relationship, a job, a hobby...anything, but what I want to know is HOW to fill the void. I thought it could be done by taking risks, living life and experiencing pain. I still believe these are all steps in the process. But what else? Is there more? Is that void capable of being filled at all or is it an endless, exhausting journey that leaves us forever perpetually unsatisfied? I wonder if the satisfaction we seek is found after death. But that is an entirely different level of questioning that I'm not ready to delve into quite yet.
For now...I need to choose a career path.
Suggestions?
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Dear Husband,
Yes, I still refer to you as Husband here. I tucked our baby's into bed tonight and as I kissed each of their beautiful heads all I saw was you. Emma's attitude and ability to stab with her tongue comes from you. Her random sweetness when she says things like, "Momma, you're my destiny", also comes from you. She's inquisitive...never misses a thing. And ballsy. That is aaaaallll me.
Ryan's inability to communicate comes from you. His way of venting frustration, hurt and anger; the very way he FEELS life is from me. It amazes me that our two biggest battles with each other completely make up his way of doing things.
Logey. He sleeps like me, he thinks like me, his sarcasm, humor and love of life comes from me. I know this. But I'll be God damned if that boy has a single feature that makes him look anything like me. He is olive toned and looks like a freaking Mexican come July. He gets that from you. He sleeps like me-on his belly, one leg up, clutching his pillow...he snores like you.
I'm sad that our marriage didn't last. I'm so happy we loved enough to create these three little people together, though. They are so amazing and they remind me in the ways they're like you, why I fell in love with you all those years ago. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I miss the way you hugged me. I always felt so safe in those moments. Sometimes I can't believe we're really divorced. I think about the things I miss about you, though. And everything I miss is the friendship we had. We never had a great marriage...we lacked so much in that. We had a friendship. A really good one. That's what I miss. You really were my best friend for over a decade.
The last thing dad said to me before he died was, "Life has a funny way of working out, KB". Remember? And he told you, "Do right by those kids, Pat". I think both those things are coming to fruition. I just wish it was easier.
Yes, I still refer to you as Husband here. I tucked our baby's into bed tonight and as I kissed each of their beautiful heads all I saw was you. Emma's attitude and ability to stab with her tongue comes from you. Her random sweetness when she says things like, "Momma, you're my destiny", also comes from you. She's inquisitive...never misses a thing. And ballsy. That is aaaaallll me.
Ryan's inability to communicate comes from you. His way of venting frustration, hurt and anger; the very way he FEELS life is from me. It amazes me that our two biggest battles with each other completely make up his way of doing things.
Logey. He sleeps like me, he thinks like me, his sarcasm, humor and love of life comes from me. I know this. But I'll be God damned if that boy has a single feature that makes him look anything like me. He is olive toned and looks like a freaking Mexican come July. He gets that from you. He sleeps like me-on his belly, one leg up, clutching his pillow...he snores like you.
I'm sad that our marriage didn't last. I'm so happy we loved enough to create these three little people together, though. They are so amazing and they remind me in the ways they're like you, why I fell in love with you all those years ago. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I miss the way you hugged me. I always felt so safe in those moments. Sometimes I can't believe we're really divorced. I think about the things I miss about you, though. And everything I miss is the friendship we had. We never had a great marriage...we lacked so much in that. We had a friendship. A really good one. That's what I miss. You really were my best friend for over a decade.
The last thing dad said to me before he died was, "Life has a funny way of working out, KB". Remember? And he told you, "Do right by those kids, Pat". I think both those things are coming to fruition. I just wish it was easier.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
A Random Moment of Clarity...
A lot of people seem to think that the key to healing after a major life event is finding reason for and place to throw blame. I don't think this at all. While I am fully aware of my husband's shortcomings in our marriage, its my own I am trying to recognize, accept and change from. I believe a large part of healing is learning to accept your faults and flaws and learn to love yourself despite them. Possibly because of them. Most certainly the final stage is learning from the mistakes and then making the necessary changes to become a fuller, wiser, more characteristically reliable person because of them.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Shit I'll Never Do...Otherwiwse Known As A Bucket List To All You "Shiny" People Out There...
A work in progress, as I assume most bucket list's are over the course of a lifetime.
- Complete a marathon
- Learn to sail and then sail to the Mediterranean and spend an undetermined amount of time living on my boat over there.
- Travel. All over. A few places include: Ireland, Germany, Alaska, Japan, Hawaii, remote islands of the Caribbean.
- Swim with Great Whites. In a cage, duh.
- Oh and if it can be with the SharkMen, even better. Also want to do the research they do. It is just so damn cool.
- Inspire at least one of my kids to do something exceptional with their life.
- Learn to shoot a handgun with amazing accuracy and look fantastically sexy while doing so. Like in a leather body suit with thigh high boots. I realize this last part may be impossible, but a girl can wish!
- Live on a beach for the majority of my years. Which probably means I should move...yesterday. So I guess this one is not happening, but whatever. I still want to live on the beach. For a long time. In fact, it is most definitely the place I wish to die. Probably on one of the beaches I discover completing number 2.
- Open and run a successful 'mom and pop' restaurant. I will have one or two house specialties, but my main menu will be, "Take it or leave it". I will decide daily what I will be serving. Hopefully people will find the idea clever and unique and not actually leave it...leaving me bankrupt and suicidal.
- Attend culinary school. This has nothing to do with number 9. Its just something I really want to do.
- Find a man that loves me in the way I know I need to be loved. Or not. I'm not committing this to being something I truly want to happen. I don't know. Don't ask me.
- A bucket list is a list of things one wishes to do before one dies, correct? The term 'things' is used very loosely, I would assume? So for the 'thing' filling spot 12? Mike Rowe. You saw that one comin', huh?
- Bake a cake. Perfectly. Lemon flavored.
- Drive an Indy car.
- Visit all 50 states.
- Drive old Route 66.
- Eat a meal prepared by Anthony Bourdain. I love him. And I don't give a rat's ass what you think about it!
- Graduate college.
- Take a cross country road trip. By myself.
- See a baseball game in the Green Monster. It won't be there forever!
- Stay at the Palmer House and the Drake in the winter. Then lay in bed all day and order one of everything off the room service menu.
- Chase a tornado. Even though they terrify me.
- Learn to cut hair...well.
- Drastically change my hair color and live as a blonde and a red head for a few months each.
- Invent teleportation. I'm this||close. Seriously.
- Meet my top 5 favorite Tweeters all at once. THAT will be a party of truly epic proportions.
- Skip every holiday for a year. At least Christmas and Thanksgiving. Travel somewhere exotic instead...like a Peruvian jungle or some shit like that.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Independence!...
Every once in a while someone comes into your life and the time they spend there, however brief it may be, changes you. I think a large part of our existence is learning when to recognize these occurences so that one day when the right person comes into our life, we grab on and don't let them go. My prayer for myself is that I can let go and get out of my head so I recognize that.
Happy Independence Day, bitches. I know I am celebrating mine!
Happy Independence Day, bitches. I know I am celebrating mine!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Cry Love...
Back in March I started this post. After talking to a friend today I decided to finish it.
A moment of steel
A dry-eyed house
Did he say goodbye to you
Or did you kick him out
When I couldn't find a way to make you love me the way I deserve to be loved, I dug very deep down, after years of trying and many months of contemplating, and I asked (again) for a divorce. I don't feel I kicked you out. I feel you quit on our marriage and on loving me long before it came to that point. Even once I made the final push and told you I was finally done, you didn't even try to keep me around.
I know you're not afraid
To go alone
But this was a marriage of spirit, flesh, and bone
My love for you was very real. Very true. Very deep. I wanted to be everything to you that you were to me. I had my entire heart beating for you. For our life. For our marriage. I never, ever, felt you loved me that way. I felt that way because of your neglect of me on anything other than a very surface level. So I was always emotionally and physically alone.
Now whatcha gonna do
When the planet shifts
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna slit your wrists
Bleed all over the milky way
The stars in your eyes look red today
I spent a lot of years very depressed because I couldn't figure out why you didn't love me. Why I wasn't worthy of being treated like a princess. Why wasn't I enough? Where did I fall short that when I said it was over, you wouldn't even try to love me better???
Cry love, cry love
The tears of an angel
The tears of a dove
Spilling all over, your heart from above
Cry love, cry love
I feel like it was all a joke. Like the little boy that cried, 'Wolf!'. Was any part of it real? You acted as if this was all so easy for me. I never wanted a failed marriage. I wanted a man to love me.
The trust of a woman in his hand
But he was a little boy, not a man
You loved him stronger than he could feel
Yeah he was wrapped up in himself like an orange peel
I walked down the aisle with you and I gave you my heart, my love and my trust. And you abused it. You neglected it. You took it for granted, never accepted it and never appreciated it. You wrecked it and whats worse, is I let you.
Now whatcha gonna do
With the booze and the blush
Whatcha gonna do
When there's no rush
Cop a little misery
At the corner store
Well' one day that train of pain won't stop no more
I am recovering from everything you did to me. And I know, I know it wasn't intentional. I know you just are who you are and I believe we never were a good match. I know you are a good man. I know you love our children. You just weren't a good husband for me. But I am recovering. I am learning my worth as a woman. I am finding my thoughts, emotions and interests hold value.
Throwing up ashes on the floor
If this is a lesson in love
Well what's it for?
The heart will remember
The burning fire
The next time you feel the flame
Of desire
So why were we together for so long? More than a third of my life, thus far. Was it a lesson in love? Why? Why should anyone have to go through that and come out as damaged, broken and lonely as I am? And now my hurt is turning into anger. I am so angry. I was a good woman and while I see some of that woman left in me, I want to know how I will ever be as good to another man as I was to you. I feel like you broke me. You ran me through the wringer and now I am garbage and will never be good for anyone. While I think I will recognize it when I find a man that loves me, I know for damn sure my heart will remember the pain and lonliness and neglect that came along with it. And I don't know if I will be able to let him in. And that really sucks for him and sucks even more for me because I have earned the privilege of being loved. Being truly loved. Cared for. Appreciated.
So now I rebuild. I hope that I find a way to heal and learn to be accepting of the idea that someone can love me, treat me well and want me for who I am. I think that I'll make it. Amazingly enough, when I search my heart I know that I am less cynical than I once was. I know I am more open, positive and fearless than I was, and about a lot of things. Life gave me that. Living and feeling life as it came, gave me that. But love scares me. The only reason I keep holding on to that, is that I know being scared? That's not the same as being afraid. But thats a whooooollllle 'nother topic.
A moment of steel
A dry-eyed house
Did he say goodbye to you
Or did you kick him out
When I couldn't find a way to make you love me the way I deserve to be loved, I dug very deep down, after years of trying and many months of contemplating, and I asked (again) for a divorce. I don't feel I kicked you out. I feel you quit on our marriage and on loving me long before it came to that point. Even once I made the final push and told you I was finally done, you didn't even try to keep me around.
I know you're not afraid
To go alone
But this was a marriage of spirit, flesh, and bone
My love for you was very real. Very true. Very deep. I wanted to be everything to you that you were to me. I had my entire heart beating for you. For our life. For our marriage. I never, ever, felt you loved me that way. I felt that way because of your neglect of me on anything other than a very surface level. So I was always emotionally and physically alone.
Now whatcha gonna do
When the planet shifts
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna slit your wrists
Bleed all over the milky way
The stars in your eyes look red today
I spent a lot of years very depressed because I couldn't figure out why you didn't love me. Why I wasn't worthy of being treated like a princess. Why wasn't I enough? Where did I fall short that when I said it was over, you wouldn't even try to love me better???
Cry love, cry love
The tears of an angel
The tears of a dove
Spilling all over, your heart from above
Cry love, cry love
I feel like it was all a joke. Like the little boy that cried, 'Wolf!'. Was any part of it real? You acted as if this was all so easy for me. I never wanted a failed marriage. I wanted a man to love me.
The trust of a woman in his hand
But he was a little boy, not a man
You loved him stronger than he could feel
Yeah he was wrapped up in himself like an orange peel
I walked down the aisle with you and I gave you my heart, my love and my trust. And you abused it. You neglected it. You took it for granted, never accepted it and never appreciated it. You wrecked it and whats worse, is I let you.
Now whatcha gonna do
With the booze and the blush
Whatcha gonna do
When there's no rush
Cop a little misery
At the corner store
Well' one day that train of pain won't stop no more
I am recovering from everything you did to me. And I know, I know it wasn't intentional. I know you just are who you are and I believe we never were a good match. I know you are a good man. I know you love our children. You just weren't a good husband for me. But I am recovering. I am learning my worth as a woman. I am finding my thoughts, emotions and interests hold value.
Throwing up ashes on the floor
If this is a lesson in love
Well what's it for?
The heart will remember
The burning fire
The next time you feel the flame
Of desire
So why were we together for so long? More than a third of my life, thus far. Was it a lesson in love? Why? Why should anyone have to go through that and come out as damaged, broken and lonely as I am? And now my hurt is turning into anger. I am so angry. I was a good woman and while I see some of that woman left in me, I want to know how I will ever be as good to another man as I was to you. I feel like you broke me. You ran me through the wringer and now I am garbage and will never be good for anyone. While I think I will recognize it when I find a man that loves me, I know for damn sure my heart will remember the pain and lonliness and neglect that came along with it. And I don't know if I will be able to let him in. And that really sucks for him and sucks even more for me because I have earned the privilege of being loved. Being truly loved. Cared for. Appreciated.
So now I rebuild. I hope that I find a way to heal and learn to be accepting of the idea that someone can love me, treat me well and want me for who I am. I think that I'll make it. Amazingly enough, when I search my heart I know that I am less cynical than I once was. I know I am more open, positive and fearless than I was, and about a lot of things. Life gave me that. Living and feeling life as it came, gave me that. But love scares me. The only reason I keep holding on to that, is that I know being scared? That's not the same as being afraid. But thats a whooooollllle 'nother topic.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Dear Dad...
I am amazed by some of the things that remind me of you. What's more amazing are the things that send me into a sudden panic of overwhelming emotion as I remember I won't ever hear your voice again. I won't ever be sitting in a room with you watching tv and you'll randomly reach out your hand, index finger pointed and wait for me to touch my finger to yours.
Emma made me a bracelet today. It has her name on it. She gave it to me because the necklace she made me for Mother's Day this year gets caught up on things at work and she wanted me to have something special that reminds me of her when I can't be with her. I have stickers the boys gave me that I keep on my serving book. She is so beautiful, Dad. And wonderfully thoughtful and considerate. She is growing up so fast and the days where I sat for weeks rocking her in that awful green recliner at CHW long gone. She is unbelievably smart. And so observant. And when she laughs my whole heart swells with pride at this intelligent, charming, funny, beautiful little girl I've made. She is amazing, Dad, and I know you'd be so proud of the little woman she is becoming.
I miss you sometimes when I look at her. You and I went through so much, through her.
I wish you knew Ryan and Logan more. They were so little when you died. Ryan has a smile that just floors me. He LOVES car and trucks and he has one of the best imaginations ever. He is becoming very acclimated to the water. I wish you could see the way he jumps into the pool now; fearless. He will do just about anything to make someone laugh-regardless of the possible consequences for inappropriate behavior. You'd love it. Remember when you taught him to put things in his pockets, but didn't tell me you'd done so and for about a month I couldn't figure out why I was constantly finding rocks and woodchips and paper clips and melted crayons in my dryer? He still does that, but now its HotWheels cars, golf balls, spy watches and coins. I know enough now to always check his pockets.
Logan. Sweet, Logan. He is a riot. You never knew anything about him, really. He was just a baby. He is...amazing, just as Emma and Ryan are. He is seriously convinced that he is Spiderman and that I am a super hero, too. His eyes are little pools of love that I drown in. He approaches life head on. He says, 'hello' to strangers, runs with the big kids on the playground and says THE darnedest things. He will descend a staircase holding my hand and when he gets to the 3 to last step he will stop and say, "A one, a two, a 3, 4, 5, 6!" and jump to the landing below. I see God's love through that little boy every day.
I wish you were here to know them. To see them grow. They are my legacy, all I have. I am so proud of them. They are all so unbelievably smart. They're funny. They're sweet, loving and kind.
I miss you. I feel so alone without you. You and I shared so many things, personality wise, that I don't share with anyone else. Some of my favorite things about myself I shared with you. Its difficult to appreciate them now that you're not here. I hope that heaven is a place where you can see how wonderful your grandkids are; see how happy they make me.
Missing you is the hardest thing in my life. Out of all the dad's in the world, I'm so glad God gave me you.
Happy Father's Day.
Love,
KB
Emma made me a bracelet today. It has her name on it. She gave it to me because the necklace she made me for Mother's Day this year gets caught up on things at work and she wanted me to have something special that reminds me of her when I can't be with her. I have stickers the boys gave me that I keep on my serving book. She is so beautiful, Dad. And wonderfully thoughtful and considerate. She is growing up so fast and the days where I sat for weeks rocking her in that awful green recliner at CHW long gone. She is unbelievably smart. And so observant. And when she laughs my whole heart swells with pride at this intelligent, charming, funny, beautiful little girl I've made. She is amazing, Dad, and I know you'd be so proud of the little woman she is becoming.
I miss you sometimes when I look at her. You and I went through so much, through her.
I wish you knew Ryan and Logan more. They were so little when you died. Ryan has a smile that just floors me. He LOVES car and trucks and he has one of the best imaginations ever. He is becoming very acclimated to the water. I wish you could see the way he jumps into the pool now; fearless. He will do just about anything to make someone laugh-regardless of the possible consequences for inappropriate behavior. You'd love it. Remember when you taught him to put things in his pockets, but didn't tell me you'd done so and for about a month I couldn't figure out why I was constantly finding rocks and woodchips and paper clips and melted crayons in my dryer? He still does that, but now its HotWheels cars, golf balls, spy watches and coins. I know enough now to always check his pockets.
Logan. Sweet, Logan. He is a riot. You never knew anything about him, really. He was just a baby. He is...amazing, just as Emma and Ryan are. He is seriously convinced that he is Spiderman and that I am a super hero, too. His eyes are little pools of love that I drown in. He approaches life head on. He says, 'hello' to strangers, runs with the big kids on the playground and says THE darnedest things. He will descend a staircase holding my hand and when he gets to the 3 to last step he will stop and say, "A one, a two, a 3, 4, 5, 6!" and jump to the landing below. I see God's love through that little boy every day.
I wish you were here to know them. To see them grow. They are my legacy, all I have. I am so proud of them. They are all so unbelievably smart. They're funny. They're sweet, loving and kind.
I miss you. I feel so alone without you. You and I shared so many things, personality wise, that I don't share with anyone else. Some of my favorite things about myself I shared with you. Its difficult to appreciate them now that you're not here. I hope that heaven is a place where you can see how wonderful your grandkids are; see how happy they make me.
Missing you is the hardest thing in my life. Out of all the dad's in the world, I'm so glad God gave me you.
Happy Father's Day.
Love,
KB
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