And that's all I want, ever, in life. And really, I think its all any of us do, at the end of the day.

Love will come through.

If I told you a secret you won't tell a soul
Will you hold it and keep it alive
'Cause it's burning a hole and I can't get to sleep
And I can't live alone in this life

So look up, take it away
Don't look down the mountain
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow

So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you

And you stand at the crossroads of highroads and low roads
And I've got a feeling it's right
If it's real what I'm feeling and there's no make believing
The sound of the wings of the flight

Of a dove, take it away
Don't look down the mountain
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow

So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you

Oh, look up, take it away
Don't look down
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything and anyhow

So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you

Love will come through

Read more: Travis - Love Will Come Through Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

TWM...There Are A Few Things Worth Holding On To...

"It's an event- big or small...something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope...a new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories...Whats important is that we never stop believing that we can have a new beginning. But its also important to remember that amid all the crap, are a few things worth holding on to." -Meredith

Just one more bit of Grey's brilliance that so makes sense to me tonight...

"At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know, if you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular." -Meredith

I know people are often talking about the way in which we see our children growing up in a manner that seems too quickly to us. I know it is an incredibly cliché saying, too. Over the last few days I have looked at my kids and seen them as incredible little people and the lengths in which they've grown in just the last year blows my mind. Come the start of the school year I will have a 5, 6 and 7 year old. Preschool, kindergarten and 2nd grade. I was noticing this last week how incredibly long my 7 year olds legs are. She is my daughter. I noticed today, how much personality my almost 6 year old son possess; a quality of his that has been previously overlooked, call it middle child syndrome if you will. My sister told me today how THIN my almost 5 year old is; he no longer possess that baby fat and solidness that comes along with a healthy toddler.

They are growing so fast and maturing so quickly and all I want to do is bottle up these moments I have with them so that when they're teenagers with cellphones and friends and cars and sporting events to get to, I can take those bottles out, drink them up and soak in the love that is being the parent of a small child.

I wonder, too, what will come of me when they do reach that age where I no longer am the highlight of their lives. I think about my own parents and the limited time they had together, neither retired, both having to work, one grown kid still living at home and 2 grandchildren with a 3rd on the way when my dad was diagnosed with his cancer. I don't want that to be the life I have once my children are grown.

I think often about how young I was when I became a mother, just barely 21. I had my 3rd a month after my 24th birthday. My family, complete and 2 of them with severe medical conditions and the death of a parent under my belt before I even hit 25. I know I have often referenced those circumstances here, but to see where I am now and having been the one to live through it all, I still cannot, at times, believe me, being the woman I am, lived through all that and a divorce.

I think about the things I want after I am done raising the children I've made and have let them to live their lives the way they choose to, hopefully with the insight and kindness and intelligence I've tried so hard to instill in them. I think about what I want then.

I know I want to be happy, but that is so mundanely generic to say...because what is happiness and do we even know what we want, individually, to make us "happy"? The first thing I think I know I want is love. I've been in a mess of relationships, all of which I think I caught a glimpse of what love is, but clearly none of which were because they otherwise would have stuck. I love the idea of being in love and romanticism and being meant for only one other. I think some of it is cheesy and sad and irrelevant when it comes to the things that really matter, but I think there are some guises of "love" that are necessary for the true thing to emerge and grow.

Well...as you've most likely guessed, if you know me, I am having a very restless night. There are too many things on my mind and consequently there have been a slue of cocktails preceding this post. Regardless of that fact, I am laying in bed, watching The Big Lebowski and contemplating the life I've chosen to live.

Yes. I am THAT woman.

And don't piss on my fucking rug.

Coffee..

I remember a few years ago I promised a post about all the things I want in THE future man in my life. And trust me, I've started, revised and thrown away many of lists at this point. Tonight I decided on one thing though. The man that rises before me and wakes me with my favorite Starbucks drink will most likely be the man I spend the rest of my life loving. There hasn't been one to do it and I am fairly certain there won't be one that loves me enough to do so. But, should that ever happen, he has my heart. I cannot argue with a man that fulfills my caffeine needs without me asking. He wins.

THE Self Destructive Zone...

I have a tendency to completely self destruct when all aspects of my life go to fucking Hell and I have ZERO control over any of it OR the part I can control is a horribly difficult choice I don't want to make. Which is kind of the position I am in now. And when I say "self destruct", I mean it in the most obvious terms possible. I drink too much, I don't sleep enough, I so predictably destroy relationships with everyone I love. I turn off the world because I can't turn off my head. I get stuck in there. And its scary.

A decade ago, the me that was, would have come home tonight, drank until I couldn't stand straight and swallowed as many sleeping pills as I could fit in my mouth without choking. Then I'd pray I never woke up. I put my ex husband through that a few times with different variations, but always the same intended result. He was amazing to continue loving me all those dark years. I don't think he knows the appreciation I have for that, probably because I doubt I ever voiced it the way I should have.

Somehow, over the years, I've found a way to mostly deal with it. Reflecting on it, I know part of how I do that is to not deal with it at all. I put things out of my head. I've learned to comparmentalize. I've learned to control my head just enough to survive, even if it means barely treading water more often than I want. The thing I haven't perfected is not showing I'm drowning. No matter how I try, someone always knows. And I hate that. That makes me vulnerable and I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone. I hurt my heart enough. I don't need others knowing they can hurt me, too.

Dealing with depression is a war I've always dealt with. My entire life. Since I was a little kid. I knew I felt things differently than others did. I just never knew what it was. As an adult I see it much more clearly and I see the way it changes me and I have learned to predict it and while my way of dealing with it might not be conventional and completely healthy, its what I have right now. I think part of me looks at it as a way to gauge how comitted the people in my life are to having me in theirs. I don't do it intentionally and I've never really thought about it until now, actually. But I think that makes sense. I see, though, the number of people I've lost over the years due to me responding poorly, due to my....fucking, fucked up head.

I think one day I'll figure it out. I think one day I'll find someone that can help me with that, and love me through it.

I remember one of the first posts I ever wrote here, regarding my now ex, husband being laid off and us struggling so, so much. Now it's me being laid off. It's me having to provide for my children. It's me wondering where their next meal is going to come from because I know the money in my checking account isn't going to feed them AND pay my rent. Or the electric. Or the phone bill. Or next years tuition. Or the movies they want to see this summer. Or the water park they're begging me to take them to. Or Six Flags, where Lou keeps asking how tall she has to be to ride the Batman coaster. All those things my babies want I can't give them because I can't even give them the things they need anymore.

Yes, I know to take it one day at a time. I know to pray and keep the faith and when one door closes another opens and all that positive thinking bullshit. I know it's not all bullshit. None of that brings me even a moments peace of mind when I look at the pile of bills I haven't paid in months though.

Don't worry, though. I'll keep my chin up, stay the strong woman that is my father's daughter and muscle through it. Or whatever other cliche you wish to throw my way regarding perserverance. I always do. It amazes me, really, the faith God must have in me. I occasionally question the pretty solid belief I have in Him, when I am really having a difficult time trusting Him. I think by handing me the things He does, He is constantly challenging me. By doing that, I never question His love for me. I believe the ones he loves the most, His 'favorites' are given the most winding, brush ridden paths. But that's a whole 'nother drama.