So, it is what it is, I suppose...

I love my job and I am thinking I am going to love the store in which I am now working. One thing I hate about my job is the hours. They're long and irregular. It's nearly 2am, I've only been home an hour and a half, and I am in bed eating oyster crackers, slices of cheese, drinking a beer and watching Grey's reruns in bed. I would give ANYTHING for my kids to be in their beds, home with me, safe and warm instead of at their dad's...for the-man-I-so-adore to be snoring next to me and me asleep next to him and not to have to be up early tomorrow morning. I pray some day I find a job I can do as well as this one and love as much as this one that will allow me to have those things I so crave, every night.

#TWM

So...I recently started re-watching all seasons of Grey's available on Netfix. It will forever be my favorite show. Not because of the stories, (which have quickly gained an absolutely ridiculous standing), but because of the narratives that bring it all home and together and always, always, always strike a fabulous chord with me. And somehow, the episodes I watch at the times they happen to be seen, fall into whatever place I am stuck in my head and make me feel at peace with being me. So, despite the abhorrence some of you may have for my favorite show, I give you, in no particular order, some of my most favorite Meredith quotes (and others). Enjoy. I hope they bring you some of the solace they so often give me. 

"At the end of the day when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about it each other?...its usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to. And once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by, no matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure sometimes close can be too close, but sometimes that invasion of personal space? It can be exactly what you need." -Meredith

"It can be scary to find out you've been wrong about something. But we can't be afraid to change our minds, to accept that things are different...that they'll never be the same-for better or for worse. We have to be willing to give up what we use to believe. The more we're willing to accept what is and not what we thought...we'll find ourselves exactly where we belong." -Meredith

"It might be hard for a surgeon to admit, but there's no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are and let the world see you that way, too. A little self awareness never hurt anybody. Because when you know who you are its easier to know what you're about and ultimately, what you really need." -Meredith

When we follow our hearts, when we choose not to settle, it's funny isn't it?...a weight lifts, the sun shines a little brighter...and for a brief moment at least, we find a little peace. -Meredith

It's one of those things that people say, you can't move on until you let go of the past. Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes we fight it, try and keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let go. Move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow." -Meredith

"Actually finding out that you've been looking at things wrong all along can be sort of liberating and suddenly you see new potential...new possibilities, where you'd never seen them before and that's all fine when a hopeless situation suddenly looks good. Unfortunately, sometimes it goes the other way. -Meredith"

Cristina: There's a club, the dead dad's club and you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize, you can try to feel that loss...my dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club.

George: I...I, I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't.

Cristina: Yeah, that never really changes. 


"At some point maybe we accept that the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that the reality is better. We convince ourselves its better that we never dream at all, but the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold on to the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And if we're lucky we realize, in the face of everything, in the face of life, our true dream is being able to dream at all. -Meredith"

Shit my kids have said/done...

The first installment...

I just farted and it burned, Mom. Like, REALLY. BURNED. -Emma

(While watching X-Men 3) Momma, this is the best love story I've ever seen. Wolverine loves her so much, he kills her! -Logan

Mom, when I get older I am going to drive a semi. And I'll let you ride next to me, but you'd better not touch my radio. -Ryan

Mom, I love you more than my birthday toys. I love you more than anything. -Logan

Mom? I wish my ears were detachable. That way, I wouldn't have to listen to screaming kids. I'd be like, "ACTIVATE EARS!!!" -Emma

CODE RED! CODE RED! Yugoslavia has entered the building. Please remain silent! -Emma

Ryan: Mom, who is your favorite super hero?
Me:Ummmm...I don't think I can make it just one, but I would chose Batman, Wolverine and Ironman...who are yours?
R: Bullseye, Daredevil, Wolverine, Professor X and The Joker.
figures he leads and ends with the bad guy...

I made beef stroganoff for dinner tonight and put peas in it because by some weird twist in the universe, my daughter loves and will eat by the bowl, peas. I can't stand the things and there are only about 5 things in the world I have tried and didn't like (NO DICK JOKES). Anyway, after she finished her dinner I promised a scoop of ice cream for dessert. As she was walking out of the kitchen, ice cream in hand, she stopped at the leftover bowl of peas on the counter, grabbed the giant serving spoon, looked at me and said, "I just need one more bite of this deliciousness before I have to eat this ice cream." What kind of freak did I birth???

Logan: Mom, the speed limit is 90.
Me: No, Logan, that BLUE sign is the name of the highway. The WHITE sign is the speed limit.
Logan: I was looking at your speedometer, MOM. IT says you're going 90.
Me:...ummmm...well played, Son. Well played.

One of the 3 mongrels: Mom, what did the orange say to the banana?
Me: I don't know what?
Whichever Mongrel was speaking: PEEL!
Me: That isn't even funny! And it doesn't make sense.
Mongrel: Your face is funny, though and it makes me laugh.
Me: Awesome.

So The Restlessness Is Gone...

I realized something a couple of months ago that I, for whatever reason, have tried to ignore. I don't know if it's because I'm...afraid...of what it might mean or if its because I thought it was too good to be true or if it was because I was hoping I was wrong. Either way, what I know after the last couple of months of thinking this and waiting to see if it disappeared, or if I was wrong, is that...well...I wasn't.

I can remember, from the time I was very young, always having this feeling in the deepest parts of my soul that I was unsatisfied with life. The only way I have ever really been able to describe it is as a 'restlessness'. There was always something I felt in my heart that was just...off. I felt it with my ex-husband for...most of our relationship, really. I felt it with the man I dated after him, and I always shared that with him. I've felt it whenever I have been alone. Something was always just...off.

What I realized in the last couple of months is that the restless feeling that has always been so present in my heart and so persistent in influencing my thoughts, has disappeared. I didn't even know it had happened until it just...occurred to me that I hadn't felt that way in a really long time.

I think I know why all those demons I always felt right below the surface have left. I think that's why it scares me so much. I thought that someday I would find someone and once I did those feelings would disappear. I've had men in my life tell me that would never change; that there wasn't anyone on this planet that could affect me enough and dig a place deep enough in my heart for me to emotionally, mentally and physically be okay with who I am and how I feel. That no matter what, I was destined to be 'restless, unloved and unhappy'. Sadly, I believed that was true.

I am afraid to divulge too much about how all of this makes me feel because in all honesty, it scares the shit out of me and also because I feel like if I blink or believe, it will all disappear. I'm still afraid to put myself out there; to become vulnerable. I still believe in 'guarding my heart because all life flows through it'. I still believe people can turn out to be everything you never thought they would and can throw the love you felt so deeply away and never even pause to think about the way in which they've hurt you.

So, I don't know...I am still processing all of this over the months I've felt it, but...I know something big has changed in the deepest parts of who I have always been...a good change. I just hope its here to stay. I guess maybe that's how it happens, though. I think these things come at a time when you really never thought they would, a time when you weren't prepared, weren't looking and were set on just living your life in a constant state of disappointment and settling for less than you wanted. And then one day someone walks in and sits down at the bar and your world...shifts...into a place that is exactly what you always hoped it would be.

I'm afraid to even click the 'publish' link and make all these thoughts known to the very small population that reads my blog. Somehow doing that is like saying something and then having to knock on wood after doing so. But I guess that's the risk we take with any matter of the heart. No matter the walls we build and the ways we try to reinforce them, someone, at some point in time, will knock them down and leave you breathless. This isn't always a bad thing.

Sooooo...This Is Another Post Lacking Direction Where I Think I Maybe Said Something Mildly Intriguing And Possibly Profound...

Soooooo...I had a pretty terrible day today. I won't go into the details as to why it was so terrible, but I will tell you it started out gross and disgusting and required laundry to be done that I didn't have time for, what with 3 kids to get to school and a job to be at. And then it didn't get much better. And I cried, from a very real place, not that this-sucks-and-I-didn't-get-my-way kind of cry, but the real kind that sort of rocks you, exhausts you and then leaves you barely breathing kind of cry. And then after a 10 hour shift at work, I had to drive another 20 minutes for a hair appointment I was more than due for. The whole way there I didn't want to go. I was thinking about the laundry and the kids I wasn't going to see when I got home and the way our lives are going to change in the next few months.

I knew TSMA was going to come over and wait for me to get home tonight, because he's awesome like that and we really don't ask a whole lot out of each other. We really do spend every available moment together, which more times than not is spent with his or my children because we are both parents and both our lives revolve around that and the people they are becoming.

So I asked him last night if he would please be here when I got home tonight, at my house, because I knew this appointment would run late and I know we both have early mornings. But I gave him a key recently in hopes he would utilize it on nights like this. I also asked him something very uncharacteristic of our relationship and that was to take the laundry from my washing machine that I needed, so desperately needed in order to crawl in bed tonight, and put it in the dryer because between 5:30am when I woke up and 10pm when I finally returned home, I simply didn't have time to do it.

After coming in the door tonight after such a horrible day (I cried, a lot today, at work no less) and finding him burrowed in my couch watching a movie, I walked in and plopped my ass straight on his lap. I laid there for a few minutes before moving and neither of us spoke. After I extricated myself from the comfort of his embrace and tiredly pulled on my sweats and returned to my nook in his lap he spoke. He told me he knew my day had been horrible and he wasn't downplaying that, but for as horrible as mine had been, his equaled it. So I listened to him tell me the things that so rightfully had broken his heart today. Mine broke with his. He was right, so right...and then as life has a cruel way of expressing the fact that we as individuals are not appreciated, told me how his day was shattered and how his feelings for the thing he cares most about was dismissed and brushed under a rug and all in the name of selfishness, and possibly a slight bit of something resembling naivety.

After we talked, I asked if he had put the laundry I so needed in the dryer for me. He was silent for a half a second and said, no. He hadn't. I told him it was ok and he apologized and I said there wasn't a need to. I changed the loads and returned to the couch and he said he was a total ass, or some more intelligent synonym of that, and I told him he wasn't, not to worry about it, it really wasn't a big deal.

And then I had an epiphany of sorts.

Had he been any other man I have ever had a romantic relationship I would have been upset. I would have shut down, blown up or walked away with disappointment. Why didn't I do that with him? I have known this man not even a year, but I know him on a level that no past relationship has even ever compared to. He treats me better than any human being I have ever known. He supports me, he loves me (in the generic sense of the word), he genuinely wants to see me do well and he does NOTHING but build me up. He does so much of that, that when he occasionally has a complaint or observation and criticism of me that I may not respond well to, I take it for what it is and try to grow into a better person.

The realization I had is that if you spend enough time loving someone, and I mean really loving them-not the romantic, lust driven emotion so many people mistake as love, but actually love someone, that those few occasions when you don't come through on something like switching loads of laundry...they won't even be a conversation, much less a fight.

I guess my point, and I do have one, is simple: people spend way too much time worrying about things that really don't matter. More so, I gained even more insight and respect into this thing he and I are doing. I learn more and more each day, with every hour we have together (and really, yes, one could measure the time we are awake and interacting with one another in hours). Each morning he leaves me after a cup of coffee and a smoke, I walk back inside feeling like that part of my heart that has been empty and restless my entire life, is a little bit more full. If you know me at all you know how terrifying that is for me.

I am so indescribably happy this man is a part of my life. He has redefined my idea of a very basic emotion and feeling that people, as a general population, have tried to define throughout the existence of human kind.

All I really know is how happy I am that I met him. I look forward to whatever time I have getting to know him better. He makes my heart happy.

Soooooo...How Did I Get This Lucky?...

Every time I look at you

I'm just like,

Yep, that's MY guy

So today I looked at my Facebook homepage thingy screen or whatever its called. And I must confess that if any random douche canoe fell upon and thought to themselves, "Hey!? Who the fuck is this Katelynn Patterson Barrett chic?" (not that anyone would, but I am thinking in the aspects of me being the epitome of awesome tonight so fuck you guys and your bullshit) they would see my home screen (or WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS CALLED) and make their assumptions.

"She has 3 kids...she must love them a lot...they're her cover photo."

"She's stunningly gorgeous and can't see for shit, what with those Coke bottle glasses plastered to her mug."

"Oh I'd like to bang that female, but alas, she has the arm of the sexiest man I have ever seen living slung around her shoulder. Bummer, dudes."

"Oh look! Bitch graduated high school, lives relatively close to there and works for a living now. Bitch is fucking smart as hell, loves her family and appreciates the little things in life."

"Divorced?? Who the fuck is that sexy beast in her profile picture? Bitch has 3 kids....boyfriend that rivals Brad Pitt in looks and Stephan Hawking in intelligence....da fuuuuk?...OH! She must have realized life was more than the ups and downs of everyday life, left her husband, got with a dude that treats her AND her kids right and got right with LIFE."

And you know what? I think that would be an incredibly right assumption, based on this...