Life is Stupid Sometimes...

I've hit that weird place recently where I sometimes fall and cannot get myself out of (yes, I heard the old lady with the Life Alert thingy when I wrote that, too). I am currently sitting in bed and until I grabbed my laptop was staring blankly at the television which I had the Disney movie Brave playing one. Yes, I am at home, alone, in bed watching children's movies...or...staring at them blankly. Anyway, I've had a lot of...just...shit happening lately. Between work and home, it has become overwhelming. I sat and brainstormed ways I could off myself this last weekend in a way that wouldn't permanently damage my kids. The biggest pulling factor to stay alive was knowing they'd end up in full custody of my ex-husband and with the irrational choices he's been making lately, it was just too terrifying to actually go through with the crashing my car into a brick wall, or whatever other crazy ideas that crossed my mind. Then I sat and thought about ways in which I could have myself committed for something other than being a nut job, because I'm not actually bat shit crazy, I just...I'm exhausted. With everything. With life. With not knowing where my life is going. With trying to work and be a mom my kids can be proud to call so, and a daughter and an ex wife that isn't a total and utter cunt, and being a girlfriend that doesn't get terrified of all these things and then act like a passive aggressive nasty little woman even she doesn't recognize.

I don't know how to get all these things in place and lately I feel like I don't have control over any of them. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know if I even like my job, the job I so loved a year ago. I can't define the type of mom I want to be in terms specific enough for my own satisfaction. I have this idea of how I want to influence my kids and who I want to be for them, but I cannot find a way to do this for them and it MAKES. ME. CRAZY. They are only so moldable and influenced for so long before they see us as sad, old, stupid adults. I cannot lose these precious years I have with them that are quickly coming to an end.

 I sadly don't care what kind of daughter or sister I am anymore because that whole...situation...infuriates me...beyond anything I could ever describe. I keep trying, so hard, to be the ex spouse I want to have as my own...but as it was in our marriage, he remains exactly the same selfish, thoughtless prick he always was and believes, somehow, the fact that he's now found another (very kind) woman to take the responsibilities he had to pick up when I left him...I can't even talk about it because the level of selfishness and stupidity he has risen to the last few weeks makes me ill.

 Finally, the way TSMA and I communicate sometimes is just...it's stupid. We each have these lives we're trying to live and trying to incorporate the other into when we can and that leads us to spend time apart and when we're apart, he gets distant and I get in my head. Then I try to express my feelings without being a twat and they never come out the way I want and he gets defensive and analyzes and...it's just not good. Fortunately it doesn't happen all that frequently, but its frequent enough for me that I want to find a way for us to do this part of our relationship better. There's not a reason we can't. It's weirdly our only fault as far as coupledom goes. (Yep. We're just that awesome.)

So, I am just over life right now, as it is. It can change, it can not. I must have said the serenity prayer 123,453 times in the last week. Serenity, courage and wisdom. Yet, I still can't find a way to accept anything for what it is, I don't know how to change it and I feel like a big, dumb, fuck for that.

Oh yeah...and remember it's now winter in Chicagoland. We all know what a ray of fucking sunshine that makes me.

Soooo, I had a really good night. Best I've had in a while...

I started writing this really detailed blog post that was rambly and full of all kinds of detail of the night I had tonight...and then I stopped because it occurred to me that there was really only one person I wanted to tell it all to, one person I know would laugh at my descriptive nature and refer his mind back to other stories I've told him...so then I decided I really didn't want to share any of that with you guys. I kinda just want to crawl in bed and tell him. And as soon as he is in my bed again, I will.

#TWM...

"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives...trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we step up." -Alex Karev

So, it is what it is, I suppose...

I love my job and I am thinking I am going to love the store in which I am now working. One thing I hate about my job is the hours. They're long and irregular. It's nearly 2am, I've only been home an hour and a half, and I am in bed eating oyster crackers, slices of cheese, drinking a beer and watching Grey's reruns in bed. I would give ANYTHING for my kids to be in their beds, home with me, safe and warm instead of at their dad's...for the-man-I-so-adore to be snoring next to me and me asleep next to him and not to have to be up early tomorrow morning. I pray some day I find a job I can do as well as this one and love as much as this one that will allow me to have those things I so crave, every night.

#TWM

So...I recently started re-watching all seasons of Grey's available on Netfix. It will forever be my favorite show. Not because of the stories, (which have quickly gained an absolutely ridiculous standing), but because of the narratives that bring it all home and together and always, always, always strike a fabulous chord with me. And somehow, the episodes I watch at the times they happen to be seen, fall into whatever place I am stuck in my head and make me feel at peace with being me. So, despite the abhorrence some of you may have for my favorite show, I give you, in no particular order, some of my most favorite Meredith quotes (and others). Enjoy. I hope they bring you some of the solace they so often give me. 

"At the end of the day when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about it each other?...its usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to. And once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by, no matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure sometimes close can be too close, but sometimes that invasion of personal space? It can be exactly what you need." -Meredith

"It can be scary to find out you've been wrong about something. But we can't be afraid to change our minds, to accept that things are different...that they'll never be the same-for better or for worse. We have to be willing to give up what we use to believe. The more we're willing to accept what is and not what we thought...we'll find ourselves exactly where we belong." -Meredith

"It might be hard for a surgeon to admit, but there's no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are and let the world see you that way, too. A little self awareness never hurt anybody. Because when you know who you are its easier to know what you're about and ultimately, what you really need." -Meredith

When we follow our hearts, when we choose not to settle, it's funny isn't it?...a weight lifts, the sun shines a little brighter...and for a brief moment at least, we find a little peace. -Meredith

It's one of those things that people say, you can't move on until you let go of the past. Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes we fight it, try and keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let go. Move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow." -Meredith

"Actually finding out that you've been looking at things wrong all along can be sort of liberating and suddenly you see new potential...new possibilities, where you'd never seen them before and that's all fine when a hopeless situation suddenly looks good. Unfortunately, sometimes it goes the other way. -Meredith"

Cristina: There's a club, the dead dad's club and you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize, you can try to feel that loss...my dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club.

George: I...I, I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't.

Cristina: Yeah, that never really changes. 


"At some point maybe we accept that the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that the reality is better. We convince ourselves its better that we never dream at all, but the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold on to the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And if we're lucky we realize, in the face of everything, in the face of life, our true dream is being able to dream at all. -Meredith"

Shit my kids have said/done...

The first installment...

I just farted and it burned, Mom. Like, REALLY. BURNED. -Emma

(While watching X-Men 3) Momma, this is the best love story I've ever seen. Wolverine loves her so much, he kills her! -Logan

Mom, when I get older I am going to drive a semi. And I'll let you ride next to me, but you'd better not touch my radio. -Ryan

Mom, I love you more than my birthday toys. I love you more than anything. -Logan

Mom? I wish my ears were detachable. That way, I wouldn't have to listen to screaming kids. I'd be like, "ACTIVATE EARS!!!" -Emma

CODE RED! CODE RED! Yugoslavia has entered the building. Please remain silent! -Emma

Ryan: Mom, who is your favorite super hero?
Me:Ummmm...I don't think I can make it just one, but I would chose Batman, Wolverine and Ironman...who are yours?
R: Bullseye, Daredevil, Wolverine, Professor X and The Joker.
figures he leads and ends with the bad guy...

I made beef stroganoff for dinner tonight and put peas in it because by some weird twist in the universe, my daughter loves and will eat by the bowl, peas. I can't stand the things and there are only about 5 things in the world I have tried and didn't like (NO DICK JOKES). Anyway, after she finished her dinner I promised a scoop of ice cream for dessert. As she was walking out of the kitchen, ice cream in hand, she stopped at the leftover bowl of peas on the counter, grabbed the giant serving spoon, looked at me and said, "I just need one more bite of this deliciousness before I have to eat this ice cream." What kind of freak did I birth???

Logan: Mom, the speed limit is 90.
Me: No, Logan, that BLUE sign is the name of the highway. The WHITE sign is the speed limit.
Logan: I was looking at your speedometer, MOM. IT says you're going 90.
Me:...ummmm...well played, Son. Well played.

One of the 3 mongrels: Mom, what did the orange say to the banana?
Me: I don't know what?
Whichever Mongrel was speaking: PEEL!
Me: That isn't even funny! And it doesn't make sense.
Mongrel: Your face is funny, though and it makes me laugh.
Me: Awesome.

So The Restlessness Is Gone...

I realized something a couple of months ago that I, for whatever reason, have tried to ignore. I don't know if it's because I'm...afraid...of what it might mean or if its because I thought it was too good to be true or if it was because I was hoping I was wrong. Either way, what I know after the last couple of months of thinking this and waiting to see if it disappeared, or if I was wrong, is that...well...I wasn't.

I can remember, from the time I was very young, always having this feeling in the deepest parts of my soul that I was unsatisfied with life. The only way I have ever really been able to describe it is as a 'restlessness'. There was always something I felt in my heart that was just...off. I felt it with my ex-husband for...most of our relationship, really. I felt it with the man I dated after him, and I always shared that with him. I've felt it whenever I have been alone. Something was always just...off.

What I realized in the last couple of months is that the restless feeling that has always been so present in my heart and so persistent in influencing my thoughts, has disappeared. I didn't even know it had happened until it just...occurred to me that I hadn't felt that way in a really long time.

I think I know why all those demons I always felt right below the surface have left. I think that's why it scares me so much. I thought that someday I would find someone and once I did those feelings would disappear. I've had men in my life tell me that would never change; that there wasn't anyone on this planet that could affect me enough and dig a place deep enough in my heart for me to emotionally, mentally and physically be okay with who I am and how I feel. That no matter what, I was destined to be 'restless, unloved and unhappy'. Sadly, I believed that was true.

I am afraid to divulge too much about how all of this makes me feel because in all honesty, it scares the shit out of me and also because I feel like if I blink or believe, it will all disappear. I'm still afraid to put myself out there; to become vulnerable. I still believe in 'guarding my heart because all life flows through it'. I still believe people can turn out to be everything you never thought they would and can throw the love you felt so deeply away and never even pause to think about the way in which they've hurt you.

So, I don't know...I am still processing all of this over the months I've felt it, but...I know something big has changed in the deepest parts of who I have always been...a good change. I just hope its here to stay. I guess maybe that's how it happens, though. I think these things come at a time when you really never thought they would, a time when you weren't prepared, weren't looking and were set on just living your life in a constant state of disappointment and settling for less than you wanted. And then one day someone walks in and sits down at the bar and your world...shifts...into a place that is exactly what you always hoped it would be.

I'm afraid to even click the 'publish' link and make all these thoughts known to the very small population that reads my blog. Somehow doing that is like saying something and then having to knock on wood after doing so. But I guess that's the risk we take with any matter of the heart. No matter the walls we build and the ways we try to reinforce them, someone, at some point in time, will knock them down and leave you breathless. This isn't always a bad thing.