Splendid Isolation?...

I've had a lot of random thoughts polluting my mind and clouding my usually rational way of thinking as of late. There have been many topics of which I have wanted to write about, reflect on and share. Part of my delay in doing so is (as pathetic of an excuse as it may seem) my serious lack of time. Another reason is my inability to relate my thoughts in written form. A third reason is my fear of being judged negatively.
I found it hysterically pathetic and depressing when tonight I came home, set my Pandora to 'QuickMix' (the Pandora version of the shuffle feature) and the first song to play was Warren Zevon's 'Splendid Isolation'.

And that's just the kind of contradicting craziness my head has been lost in the last few weeks.

#TWM...Letting Go...

"It's one of those things that people say, you can't move on until you let go of the past. Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes we fight it, try and keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let go. Move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow." -Meredith

No Expectations...

Why did God send me you? Why did our paths cross? Did I gain or lose something in our time so far that has gone unnoticed by me? Being a firm believer of everything happens for a reason, you would think I wouldn't feel the need to have answers to these questions. I usually don't need to know. I may struggle with worry and stress over one topic for a short while, but in the end I let it go because I know I don't have control over most things. I never need to know because I have faith. The utmost faith. Faith stronger than I ever thought possible. I have to. At the end of the day, faith is all I have. Its all one should ever need. Then why can't I let it go, knowing what I do about faith? Why can't I just let it play out? Not play out? 


Maybe its nothing. Maybe you were simply here to do something that has already been done that I didn't even see happen...but if that's the case then why do I have this tugging in the back of my brain when I think about you? In my heart when I dream about you? Why, even when I try to push your existence under and let you drift away, do you always resurface? 


The dream is just that, a dream. I know that. I have never lived in Fantasy Land. I lost my belief in Prince Charming, white horses and glass slippers by the time I turned 15. But still you're here. It's not that I even think your existence in my life is for the purpose of romance or love at all. I really don't.


The reality is cruel. Harsh. Unfair. Life is all those things. The dreamer in me desperately wants to kick the shit out of the realist I am. Even knowing the reality of it all, I still cling to that possibility and am willing to take the chance. I don't see any reason not to. 


I am at a position in my life where taking a risk such as the one we've posed isn't going to be much of a risk at all. I have no expectations. No expectations. I simply have this tugging in my head and in my heart and that's all I know. Right now, its enough. 

TWM...Decisions...

"You can seek the advice of others, surround yourself with trusted advisors. But in the end, the decision is always yours and yours alone. And when it's time to act and you're all alone with your back against the wall, the only voice that matters is the one in your head. The one telling you what you already knew. The one that's almost always right." -Meredith

I. Love. This. Quote. My life has had so much bad and crazy in it lately. All I see it stemming back to is the choices I've made. But I am learning that those choices have given me so much good, too. I am learning that not every man in this world is without romance. I am learning that being a mom is truly even more difficult than working a job, or two in the cases of many these days. I am learning to be a better mom by being away from my precious little babies. I am learning, slowly, that I don't have to let others dictate how I feel about myself. I am beginning to remove myself from situations that arise and people that create un-wanted and un-needed drama. I am (finally) becoming the woman I always knew was inside of me. I know I will never stop growing and learning. I am just so happy that I am finally beginning to take control of my life. MY life. Its an amazing feeling.

Comatose...

Working two jobs, being a mom, moving into a new home and dealing with the stress February/March brings to my life is exhausting. I'm checking out until April...you know...unless I have something terribly fricking brilliant to say between now and then. Which is a good possibility considering I am the epitome of crazy awesome.

TWM...The Late But Oh-So-Appropriate Version...

"Actually finding out that you've been looking at things wrong all along can be sort of liberating and suddenly you see new potential...new possibilities, where you'd never seen them before and that's all fine when a hopeless situation suddenly looks good. Unfortunately, sometimes it goes the other way. -Meredith"

March FUCKING First

March 1, 2009
In hindsight the date isn't ever as important as the event that took place that day, but no one ever realizes that unless they were a part of it. It's funny because aside from the birth of my three children, there really isnt any other date in my life that sticks out with any real significance like this one does. I often forget the date of my wedding anniversary. I have no idea the date I first met my ex. Our first kiss? I was 17 and thats all I know. It amazes me that the things we, as a race, tend to remember are the negative parts of life. We seldom remember the stories of passion and inspiration. Instead we remember heartbreak and despair. Pain. We forget the times friends and family treated us well and instead know exactly how often they failed our expectations of what we thought they should be to us.

March 1, 2012
Read this passage today. This was the passage I was suppose to read at my dad's service. I was unable to do so because of my own emotional incapacities. Today is the 3 yr 'anniversary' of my dad's death. This day brings many emotions for me...and this year in particular has been extraordinarily...different.

Anyway, barring any bias, I think the following is great wisdom and you would all do yourselves well to live this way.

Ecclesiastes 7

Wisdom for Life

 ¹ A good reputation is more valuable than costly perfume.
      And the day you die is better than the day you are born.
 ² Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties.
      After all, everyone dies—
      so the living should take this to heart.
 ³ Sorrow is better than laughter,
      for sadness has a refining influence on us.
 ⁴ A wise person thinks a lot about death,
      while a fool thinks only about having a good time.
 ⁵ Better to be criticized by a wise person
      than to be praised by a fool.
 ⁶ A fool’s laughter is quickly gone,
      like thorns crackling in a fire.
      This also is meaningless.
 ⁷ Extortion turns wise people into fools,
      and bribes corrupt the heart.
 ⁸ Finishing is better than starting.
      Patience is better than pride.
 ⁹ Control your temper,
      for anger labels you a fool.
 ¹⁰ Don’t long for “the good old days.”
      This is not wise.
 ¹¹ Wisdom is even better when you have money.
      Both are a benefit as you go through life.
 ¹² Wisdom and money can get you almost anything,
      but only wisdom can save your life.
 ¹³ Accept the way God does things,
      for who can straighten what he has made crooked?
 ¹⁴ Enjoy prosperity while you can,
      but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.
      Remember that nothing is certain in this life.

I love you, Daddy.