TWM...Accepting What Is...

"It can be scary to find out you've been wrong about something. But we can't be afraid to change our minds, to accept that things are different...that they'll never be the same-for better or for worse. We have to be willing to give up what we use to believe. The more we're willing to accept what is and not what we thought...we'll find ourselves exactly where we belong." -Meredith

I had so many intentions of posting tonight and so many things flooding my thoughts...I just wan't sure how to voice them. And then I went to check on my babies just now, before crawling into bed myself. I kissed them each on the head, ran my fingers through their hair and pulled the covers up tight around all three of their perfect little chins. Upon doing so, my youngest reached out into the night's air and struggled as if he were trying to wrap his sweet arms around someone that wasn't within his grasp. I kissed his head and said, 'I love you, Bubby'. He replied, totally asleep, 'I love you, too'.

I've never been more sure of my existence.

My cup more than runneth over.

Happy Thanksgiving, bitches!!! Part Dos...

With Thanksgiving day officially less than 25 minutes away (and I am sure I will be just as far into it by the time I finish this post) and being as disatisfied with my life as I currently am, I began reflecting on last year. One year ago. The growth I've made as a person, a mom and a single woman. The things I wanted then versus the things I want now. How much care and effort I put into achieving those things now and how little I did then. How separation of and balance of the two roles, as mom and woman, have gained some perspective and individualism in my mind and actions.

Last year I wrote about how difficult the holidays were without my dad and spoke briefly about how each of my family members were dealing with that grief. I was snuggling with the kids and watching my Cowgirls play their version of football. I was cooking, grilling and baking. My brother had locked hiself in his room, refusing to socialize with anyone (not far off from his normal behaviors, I might add). My sister was with her boyfriend's family, I believe. My grandmother hadn't made it to our house yet and my mom was going about the day as if it were any other. It was my first holiday at all without my husband. I was content. At peace. Trying to find direction and purpose, but OK with that. I was taking baby steps.

This year will again be difficult. Differences in opinions on every topic under the moon have left family life so unbearable that I now don't have one with which to spend the holiday. I will most likely be alone for a large portion of the day. I was invited to the parental home of the man I recently ended a relationship with. While he and all of his family are kind, compassionate individuals whose company I usually enjoy, I don't think I want to go. I have too much sadness in my heart regarding the holidays and I know how important family time is to him that I don't want to be made to be the bitch because I'm simply missing my own family life and my own traditions.

What I really want to do, ideally, is spend the day playing games with my kids. Laughing. Laughing A LOT. Until my gut hurts and tears are rolling down my cheeks. And I want to watch movies that make me laugh. I want to watch my Cowgirls play their version of football. I want to watch Trains, Planes and Automobiles. I want to curl up on the couch with a happy little buzz at the end of the night with my head craddled  nicely in the lap of a man who loves me and who's silence I can enjoy being in. I want things I don't have right now. And I'm tired of waiting. Of playing games. I just want things to...work.

So, while so many of my young friends are out acting like a bunch of fucking retards for the day of the year known as 'black-out Wednesday', I'm at home, alone, writing, reflecting and watching Liar Liar in an attempt to laugh the negativity and self sorrow out. I don't know what I will do tomorrow. This is the first year I haven't known what dinner will be and what dishes I will be preparing. This year will be so different from any other. And while I have a very love/hate relationship with change, when it gets to be too much, I need my routine. My tradition.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring any more than I know what next week will bring. Work, motherhood, womanhood, life in general is a fucking crap shoot for me anymore. I don't like it. I want stability. A regular pay check. Normal home routine. A steady yet unpredictable and exciting man. I don't feel like I'm asking for the world, yet I think that just may be what I want.

Happy Thanksgiving, bitches!

WTF, brain?

I have spent entirely too much of my time thinking lately. About anything and everything. It's as if my mind has become a safe haven for the rejected thoughts of others and they're all swirling around in my head, bumping into each other and occasionally spitting themselves out of my mouth in verbage that may or may not make any sense to anyone that happens to be within earshot.

For instance, these are the thoughts currently running through my head:

I need to buy Drano for the bathroom sink-Emma and I lose entirely too much hair and that drain is just, well, simply put its fucked.

What is the difference REALLY between the 16GB Galaxy 3S and the 32GB...and if you answer 16GBs, I'll punch you in the throat. With a chair.

Holy shit, this coffee is effing hot!

I wonder if that bastard in the Obama sweatshirt looked at my ballot at the polls today. Sneeky fucker.

I've had 3 friends, all men, stop talking to me all of a sudden. What the hell is up with THAT? I'm awesome as shit. They must have all had strokes or something happen that left them incapable of using a phone. That has to be it.

I don't know if I like being a red head as much as I thought I would. I think it uglified my already questionable attractivness.

I hope Pervy Perverson from work last night that made about 546 comments about my body gets run over by a stampede of flaming homosexuals. I don't know why they'd be stampeding, but thats definitely irrelevant here.

How many bitches will I have to slap to get silverware rolled at work tonight? And what is that thing Jess said I have to tell them? GTB? GTL? I don't know. Why can't I keep up with pop-culture?

Am I going to be alone forever because I am so consistantly restless and always questioning my choices in men. life and parenting? Or will it be because while I'm awesome when hiding behind my computer screen, I'm full of insecurities and see only my flaws when face to face with the male species?

8 weeks from today I will be in St. Louis with my family and I am so freaking excited I MIGHT briefly lose control of my undersized bladder!!!

I wonder how much of my stuff my ex-husband rifled through when he brought my kids home to my house last night before my friend showed up to watch them...did he find all the drugs, pornographic pictures, loaded firearms and mini meth lab I hid???

And that's the randomness my brain has been on the last few days. I know. I read through it all again before I clicked 'publish' and just shook my head, too.

Freezing My Sheballs Off...

Learning the ropes of the single life has been...an adventure for me. I don't like to jump from man to man. I'm simply not that person. I'm more focused on finding a truly compatiable person and loving him enough to want to work, if necessary, to maintain the relationship. That said, there are some things I simply CANNOT live without and one of them is warmth. I am so fucking cold tonight, and for the last few nights, that if a man came to me with a cock that was on fire and could only be used a source of actual warmth with zero sexual inclinations, I would be his forever. The female body does a lot of extraordinary things. We grow humans, for Christ's sake. We maintain TWO heart beats for 9 months at a time. Our bodies were built for phenomonal things...so why is it men are so warm ALL. THE. TIME. and our core temp is like, -154 degrees?

Some day, when I'm Queen Sheballs, I will fix that issue.

TWM...Knowing Yourself...

"It might be hard for a surgeon to admit, but there's no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are and let the world see you that way, too. A little self awareness never hurt anybody. Because when you know who you are its easier to know what you're about and ultimately, what you really need." -Meredith

"When you know who you are its easier to know what you're about and ultimately, what you really need."...well isn't that EXACTLY what I've been saying the last year or so???

Do WHAT?...

There have been so many songs I've wished a man would either write about me or a man would profess his love for me through because while my sheballs are big and steel and awesome, I still posess a uterus and all the hormones that come along with it (ie; I've birthed 3 children and I weep like a 12 year old girl from time to time). Sadly, I've never been blessed enough to live with a musician that wasn't a self absorbed sibling. And I had one man for 10 of my 28years. He never professed his lyrical love of my awesomeness. Then I met a man that did. While he and I are no longer together, this was one of the last heart felt things he sent to me. It's amazingly poetic and so appreciated by me. I hope you find the happiness in it that I did.

Now like a bird
She flew away
To chase her dreams
Of books and praise
Still I miss her
Yeah I miss her
Since she's gone
At JFK
Who played the fool?
Self pitty sick
Jet fuel perfume
Still I miss her
Yeah I miss her
Since she's gone
Girl I want to die with you
In each others arms
We'll drown in flame
If this time were the last time
Could i hold you all life long?
Since this time is the last time
Can I hold you all night long?
Lay your head down for the last time
Do you still love me?
Still I miss her
Yeah I miss her
Since she's gone
And yes, Dad. My sheballs are present...hormonally swollen, but still here. So fuck off and I love youl