And another thing that makes me happy...

A friend on Facebook recently posted a GREAT list of things that make her happy. They included watching ice cubes melt as hot water is poured over them (who doesn' t love those swirls?!), ice cubes clinking against the side of a ceramic cup, and a few other randomly-wonderful little things we so often don't give a second thought to. Others commented with some of their favorite things, too. Someone listed walking up the concourse at a ballpark and taking it all in as you reach the walkway. This is definitely something I love to experience every time I'm at Wrigley. Someone else listed new socks. Totally agree. I wrote, "making fingers with my toes in the carpet"...

Any-random-thought-later, I really started think about these little things that we love that I think are so uniquely specific to each of us. Or perhaps they make us all a little bit nuts but what the hell? As I am accentuating the positive in my life these days, I figured I would give it a try!

I love those moments in the morning when my coffee is hot, my kids are still asleep, my house is quiet and the sun is just starting to peek up over the house behind mine. Those exact circumstances only occur about twice a year, but I live for those moments!

The way a freshly sharpened knife cuts through a tomato. Odd, I know, but I hate a dull chefs knife and I HATE when it refuses to slice a tomato without mashing in the top.

The sound of whipped cream coming out of the can.

The way baggy sweat pants envelope my legs on a cold, dark, dreary fall day. Paired with the perfect hoodie while sprawled out on the couch on a Sunday watching football and I am in heaven.

The scent, feel and sight of a bonfire on a crisp, mid-west, fall night. There's just something sexy about this to me.

The way water and oil don't mix in a puddle after it rains.

A fresh stack of printer paper. Crisp, white, flat and clean-smelling.

The smell of salt as you approach the ocean. You can smell it before you can see it and it is a smell that awakens every one of my senses and puts my heart at ease.

Baby toes. This may make me more happy than the ocean. Baby toes make me happy enough to bring tears to my eyes. I don't know why they do, but they do. More than baby smell, which is also amazing. Something about those tiny, wrinkled, curled toes makes me appreciate God, life and new beginnings.

Compared to the poetic way in which my friend on Facebook listed her happy-thoughts, my list is short, pathetic and definitely un-poetic. Her list; however, has made me more aware of the things that happen in my daily life that make my heart soar, if even for just a few seconds.

When People Bring You Down...

So I got some news today that my husband is going to do everything he can to make my starting a life without him impossible-even if that means it hurts our kids. His logic for this is that if I hadn't chosen to divorce him, none of this would be happening and that somehow justifies his behaving like a child that hasn't gotten his way. So be it. That's ok. I knew going in this wasn't going to be easy by far. So I'll just keep going, trying to move forward. My plan to keep my head from exploding is simple: I will find something every day to mark in my head as something in my life I am happy with. Simple enough, right? We'll see!

Today I am happy for my beautiful children. That is true every day, yes. But today I am especially happy to have them. We sat on the couch and watched the Bears game. We laughed. We goofed around. We ate popcorn and I am making chili for dinner. Making chili makes me happy, too. I make it differently every time. My mom makes me happy. My family, even when fighting, makes me happy.

That's it. That's all I got today. But I think it's a start.

'Nuff Said...

Piano Song
Heartless Bastards

You cannot take anything away from me
My spirit won't break cause there's nothing left you see
You wanna take your poison arrow and pierce it through
My heart
But no sad songs for the sparrow because I was dead
Right from the start
I got strength in my mind, I got strength in my soul
And I will never fit, fit into a mold
Because oh I know me better than you will ever know
So why don't you just leave me
Please leave me alone
Time it takes it's toll but at least I still got my soul
And there's nothing you can do to change that
That's just the way it is
This wells run dry cause I bled right from the start

And so it DOES, indeed, go...

And so my middle child turned 4 today. I feel he has been the most cheated. From what I hear this is typical for middle children. He was just 3 months old when I became pregnant with my youngest. I feel the distraction of being pregnant, the timing of it all, made his baby time less clear to me. He was a beautiful baby, as all my kids were of course. I remember with him in particular, our pediatrician telling me during a regular check-up, that Ryan could be a Gerber baby and then looking at me and saying, "I see a LOT of babies. I have 5 of my own. He is TRULY gorgeous." He really is.

He starts his 2nd year of pre-school at 9:15 tomorrow morning. I am excited for him. He is such a stubborn child. He does things his way. It doesn't matter what anyone tells him the outcome will be. He gets frustrated easily. He tells me often I am the most beautiful momma he has. He believe it, too. He is considerate to his siblings, even when they don't deserve it. He LOVES cars, trucks, tractors, trailers, boats, wave runners...it has a motor he LOVES it. Gets that from his daddy and Papa.

I am so not prepared to be the mother of a kindergartner, a pre-schooler and a toddler. Whoa. Life happened awful quickly for me. I need some time for it to slow down. Re-group. Re-formulate. Especially with the marital affairs taking place.

I recently posted a very heartfelt blog post regarding the marital affairs and later deleted it because I believe it caused my husband a lot of pain.  I know my choice has cause him a lot of pain and will continue to do so until he can realize it is what is right for me is right for our kids as well. I cannot have my daughter growing up believing un-happiness is normal. In the same respect I cannot have my sons growing up believing the way they see their father "appreciating" me is an acceptable way to treat a woman. I don't believe life doesn't have its challenges, marriage is a breeze and everything turns up daisies, but for the love of God what does a woman have to do to be heard? To be given flowers? To be made to feel like her existence is almost too much for a man to handle? I do not believe these are unreal expectations when you're talking marriage, folks!!!

So, I am feeling...different...as my son starts his 2nd (he will have to also have a 3rd year of pre-school because I failed to meet the Sept. 1st deadline with my delivery of him) year of pre-school. I want him to learn. I want him to expand his imagination. I want him and my other 2 kids to feel that everyday is truly a gift and if we can spend it making our dreams more of a realization while pleasing the people we love than it is a day well spent in God's eyes, our lives and our health.

Happy Birthday, Ryan. The day you were born I called my OB with a headache, sinus infection and general shitty disposition on life! She asked me to come in to be checked and told me I was dilated 6cm with you and if I made it across the street to the hospital without my water breaking it'd be a miracle. I did make it. She broke my water and a couple hours later you entered your dad's and my life. We love you. So much. That day was also the first day I saw my dad in over 6 months. He was sober, 4 months. You have a sobriety coin from him in your bank. You, Emma and Momma gave him a life he never knew existed.

We love you, Big Bubs.

Always Yours,
Momma (and Daddy)

She can turn the world on with her smile...

You might know my cousin, Kristin, who writes a blog I love dearly titled "Only Parent Chronicles". She is pretty much my best friend. I could not make it through life with out her insight, wisdom, knowledge and most importantly her love and support for me no matter what. She may be the only person in the world aside from my mother that really loves me unconditionally. On her blog she refers to me as "Fave Cousin". She created a Twitter account for me with the name @Fave_Cousin (which I have met some pretty amazing people through). It pretty much sums up our opinion of each other. She live 2 states away and while I see her more than any other cousin, aunt or uncle (and honestly I see her more than I see my own siblings who are the next county over) it still makes it difficult because I value our relationship so greatly.

Kristin does a feature on her blog called Post It Note Tuesday, or PINT for short. Today's post its were 2 quotes about life and change. The first was, "Life is an adventure. Embrace it. We are not the same person this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."- William Somerset Maugham

Well, isn't that just the simple truth? People change...at least some things about them do. Or maybe people just adapt. Maybe we're all born one way and nothing ever really changes, we just adapt to the situation around us. This would make sense for those who have ever dealt with someone that has gone through "the program".

The second quote was this, "Take chances. Make mistakes. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave."-Mary Tyler Moore

I talked to you last about changes in my life. The big one, regarding my marriage, I didn't exactly let out. Enough people have learned of it the last 2 days that I feel its safe to say it here, (to my 2 followers who already know!) my husband and I are getting divorced. For me it has been a long time coming. I asked him for a divorce 2 years ago. I have known in my heart since the day I married this man that he simply wasn't the right man for me. So, why, you ask, did I marry him??? I know he is asking himself the same thing. Truth is, I don't know. It seemed easier than breaking up the life we had then . I know! I know! We didn't have kids then. There wasn't a mortgage. There wasn't a mound of medical debt. It would have been so easy then!!! I am one that has to make every single wrong decision before I can see and then make the right one. I have always been that way. Blame my hard headed-ness. Blame my stubborn-ness. Blame my need to do exactly the opposite of what people tell me to do. I don't know why I'm that way, I just am. I am sorry that being that person is bringing my husband, a man that I have loved, great pain and distress. I cannot change that part of who I am.

The part of this last quote that stuck out to me is the part about courage. And bravery. "Pain nourishes courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave." YES!!! Yes. I went through a lot of pain to get to the place where I now have the courage to do what I always knew was right. Fail. I have failed at so many things. I feel finally stepping out of this marriage that has caused me so much pain over the years will only encourage my strength. A strength I lacked 2 years ago.

I have a plaque that hangs in my entry way that I bought about a year ago when my husband and I hit our 5 year anniversary. It reads, "To have courage for whatever comes in life. Everything lies in that." Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. I know he will spend the day mourning what once was and what is now lost. I will spend it at home, with our kids, doing house-wife work and dreaming about a life I always wanted and never had the opportunity to attain. Same thing I've done every year before. Except...this year, I will be doing all those things with a new sense of hope. Hope because I have courage. Courage for whatever comes tomorrow.

Wow! 5 months, huh?

So it has been 5 months since I last posted. I know for my 2 followers it seems like a lifetime, huh?!

Well, I quit bloggin because I lost my internet access. Which was sad because I truly enjoy the outlet this provides me. So, "what happened?" you ask? Well my hubby was laid off last December. Since then he has been trying to make a living as being "self employed", It is far from a fail but just as far from being a success.

I started working out. Since the first week of June I have lost 20 pounds! I started at 148# (5'8") and I now weigh about 125. I. Am. Stoked! But to be honest, I am freaking sick and tired of people commenting on how "thin" or "skinny" I am and it takes every ounce of my self control (which I lack anyway) not to scream, "I'M FUCKING HEALTHY NOW, YOU ASS!!!"

Aside from weight loss I have also made some other life altering decisions that I feel will truly benefit me as a person in a positive manner. That said, my choices will, without a doubt, cause a lot of stress on myself and my family over the next few months. I will not be deterred; however, because I know in my heart and in my head that this choice is what is right for me and my children.

So, what??? you might ask is this big decision?! Unfortunately broadcasting it over the internet at this point is not okay and not what I want.

So now I am pondering what I do want with the new life I am making myself. Here are my initial thoughts:

I want my kids to be happy. Secure with me. Secure with my husband. Secure with our roles in their lives. Their happiness is, by far, my TOP priority.

I want to be happy. This is my second priority. I have spent so long trying to make others happy that I completely lost track of who I am. How I feel. What I want. Where I want to be and who I want in my life. It is actually slightly pathetic how far off track I have gotten. I have always lived as a real person with real thoughts. I have never, ever been fake. In high school a friend made me a CD titled, "For Kate. The most REAL chic I know". Silly? Maybe. But relevant to who I am? absolutely. I still talk to the guy that made me that CD, too. It amazes me that he knew then who I was.

Sigh. So...now what else? God. God led me to this very recent life change over the course of many years. Many years of pain, doubt, guilt, regret, questioning and finally, acceptance. Now, I know I will face judgment by friends, family, etc. I've already faced it by "friends". "Friends" that claim to be Christians-whom, by the way, are of the type that are often most judgmental! What I want to say to these friends is this: I have spent YEARS praying on this situation. Years. I have cried, broken, defeated, alone and asked God to guide me. Help me. Give me a SIGN. Now, signs-I don't believe in them unless I am being slapped upside the head with a Louisville Slugger. Regarding this? I feel I was.So now I'm at acceptance. Excitement for what comes next! I know the next few years will be very rocky. Very challenging. Challenge my faith. Challenge my heart. Challenge my sense of self. Challenge my sense of anything I have ever known. But I know its right. I KNOW, in the bottom of my heart, this choice is right. And that is a lot for me to say. I have made A LOT of poor choices in my life. This is honestly one of the few I feel so incredibly sure of. That's a first.

SO! You 2 followers! I will need your support. I will need your love. I will need your prayers. I will need your undying understanding of ME!

Thank you!!!

Without blog capabilities these days, I'm sad. I need someone to know I have a heart.