Do WHAT?...

There have been so many songs I've wished a man would either write about me or a man would profess his love for me through because while my sheballs are big and steel and awesome, I still posess a uterus and all the hormones that come along with it (ie; I've birthed 3 children and I weep like a 12 year old girl from time to time). Sadly, I've never been blessed enough to live with a musician that wasn't a self absorbed sibling. And I had one man for 10 of my 28years. He never professed his lyrical love of my awesomeness. Then I met a man that did. While he and I are no longer together, this was one of the last heart felt things he sent to me. It's amazingly poetic and so appreciated by me. I hope you find the happiness in it that I did.

Now like a bird
She flew away
To chase her dreams
Of books and praise
Still I miss her
Yeah I miss her
Since she's gone
At JFK
Who played the fool?
Self pitty sick
Jet fuel perfume
Still I miss her
Yeah I miss her
Since she's gone
Girl I want to die with you
In each others arms
We'll drown in flame
If this time were the last time
Could i hold you all life long?
Since this time is the last time
Can I hold you all night long?
Lay your head down for the last time
Do you still love me?
Still I miss her
Yeah I miss her
Since she's gone
And yes, Dad. My sheballs are present...hormonally swollen, but still here. So fuck off and I love youl

TWM...Not Settling...

When we follow our hearts, when we choose not to settle, it's funny isn't it?...a weight lifts, the sun shines a little brighter...and for a brief moment at least, we find a little peace. -Meredith

I'm Tired of Coming Up With Titles That I Think Generally Suck Anyway So Have Fun With This AWESOME Post Where I Say Something Mildly Smart...

Relationships take work. At least that's what I'm told. And I do believe it...to some extent. I would agree that in order to make any relationship work (whether it be a friendship, relationship with a co-worker or one in a potential spouse), there must be compromise, understanding and the abilty to just let some things go. In order for a relationship with a spousal-type-person to work, however, there has to be an undying love present. Something where at the end of the day it just doesn't matter who is right or wrong.. Something where the love out weighs the stubborness and pride and those things are replaced with understanding and respect. I think when a relationship reaches a point where that scale is tipping the other way, its time to re-evaluate. A relationship shouldn't be in a state of constant stress. It shouldn't be THAT much work.

I came home today and there was little trace that you'd ever even existed as a part of my life. Your shelf was cleaned out in the closet. All the piles of your laundry were missing from the stacks that were scattered on the floor. No one would ever notice, but I knew they were gone. There's an empty spot on the top shelf of my closet where your Guitar Hero instruments had sat. I walked into the bathroom and the drawer that had your toothbrush, hair product and cologne were gone. Seeing your things gone struck me in a way that made me inhale and quickly catch my breath. In that moment I caught a whiff of your cologne. And it made my heart hurt. I walked back into my bedroom and looked around. I saw my robe laying on my bed, just as I'd left it. I looked at it and wondered if you'd even picked it up to smell the collar, which I know holds the scent of my shampoo and perfume, or was exiting my life easy for you? I looked at my pillow hoping you'd left whatever tshirt you'd been wearing when you cleared your things from my home so that I could sleep in it. Smell it. Close my eyes and imagine you here. But you hadn't. Suddenly I felt so exhausted, alone and vulnerable. I unzipped my jeans, slid them off and grabbed a blanket off the couch. I buried my face into a pillow and slept for three hours this afternoon, in a ball, on my couch. When I awoke it was dark outside and as I blinked the distorted figures around me into focus, I found myself looking for you.

This isn't easy for me. I know it's right, right now, but it certainly isn't easy. And I hope it isn't as easy for you as you make it look. To think I meant anything less than everything to you after all you said breaks my heart. I hope, too, that if we do come to be again in the future, that we can be the best versions of ourselves for each other.

I just saw your key laying by the door. The exhaustion I felt earlier is back. My body aches and the last thing I want to do is crawl into my bed without you tonight. I feel like you don't even notice I'm missing.

TWM...Losing...

Well tonight's episode pissed me off. It was lame, uninspirational, predictable and ridiculously pathetic. As I watch a clip of one of my favorite characters, who was killed off tonight, rock his newborn infant in the dark, I pray it ends with a decent conclusion from Meredith. If not, I'll be listening to Dancing In The Dark and thinking about my dad as I fall asleep tonight (story for another day).

"You never really stop feeling the loss. It's what makes things so bittersweet. We leave little bits of ourselves behind...little reminders...a lifetime of memories, phontos, trinkets...things to rember us by. Even when we're gone."

This show kills me with its relevance to my emotional state...regardless of when I happen to catch an episode.

Happy Season 9, bitches!!!

Love Shouldn't Be Anything Less Than Lightning In A Bottle...

"The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little."

I came across this today while reading quotes on destiny and love, ideas I have long doubted have any business being used in respect to one another. It seems to me, and this is just my thought process on the fly here, that IF there is one person out there that is truly 'perfect' for you (and I use that term very loosely here. Nobody is perfect. We all know that.) and that is meant to be that you would just...know it. It would be a feeling that was instant. Overwhelming. Like being struck by lightening. I don't mean love at first sight, because that's crap. But I would think it would happen fairly soon after spending some time together. That there would be enough similarities, likes, interest, laughs, physical attrativeness to set that voice of God off in your head that screams, 'HEY!!! This is the person I created for you! To fit you! To walk through life with you and love you the way I meant for people to love one another. Love him back, cherish him, hold him and be grateful you found him!'

I feel like if that something in my brain doesn't go off, then I am settling for something that isn't everything. And I vowed to never do that after my divorce. It isn't that I can't buckle down and give myself to someone. I know I can. I want all the pieces to fit, even if there are a few rough edges. I want be on fire for someone all the way. I've never had that feeling, though. I loved my husband, but it never felt totally fullfilling. I love a lot of things about the man I am with now, but again, I feel something is missing there, too. I don't mean disatisfaction with my life, either. I mean the relationships specifically. I think that if the relationship is meant to be, the other crap is weatherable together.

So I am spending a lot of time lately wondering about this concept of 'love and destiny'. My cousin is getting married 2wks from today. I know her story. I know her history with men in general and with this man she's going to spend the rest of her life with. Since I do know all that, I do believe that this man is actually the one. I know what they've sacrificed to be together. They spent YEARS half a country apart, dated other people and had given up on finding love. Then love brought them back together. I LOVE their story. I admire it. I even envy it. I believe in it whole heartedly. So I guess it does happen. I just haven't gotten to it yet for myself.

Willing to Jump...

I've always been someone who lacks clarity and direction. Of course, the times people in my life have attempted to guide me in any direction, I always went the opposite way. I guess I always believed that even in taking the path I chose myself I would end up happy, content and feel an abundance of love and satisfaction with my life. I always believed that living without definity to my expectations would lead me to a place of extreme happiness. This isn't to say that I don't believe life is what we make it and that we possess some control over our destiny. We obviously make certain choices that impact our life in big ways and we all deal with unforseeable strife's the best we know how. What I'm talking about are the things we don't control. The things that just fall into our lives. Things such as friends and love. The place our passions lie in our work and the unexpected ways in which we discover these things. 

After racking my brain for quite some time trying to find the words to say what I am really feeling here, I finally found solace in a Randy Pausch quote. (Those of you that don't know who Randy is, I suggest finding out and reading his Last Lecture. Or watching it. It was viral on YouTube some years ago.)

“Follow your passions, believe in karma, and you won't have to chase your dreams, they will come to you.”  (Randy Pausch 2007)

I have been struggling to decide what I want to do with my life. Going back to school sits in my head, not because I necessarily WANT to go to school, but because it seems like the right thing to do. The problem is, I hate sitting in class. I hate being lectured. I get bored sooooo quickly in that type of setting. I am definitely a kinesthetic learner. Maybe I suffer from some minor sort of ADD but I go absolutely bonkers if I have to sit in one place too long.

Its a miracle I survived the minor stint I did behind a desk. I was there precisely one winter and the follwing spring before I quit for something more hands on. I made great money there and they offerend all the grown up benefits-full medical, dental, vision, 401k. Shit. They even offered insurance for your dog or cat. I got bonuses each pay check for performing over what was expected of me. I hated the job though. There is nothing more boring that entering information into a computer for 8 hours straight. And forget about the days I worked overtime. I wanted desperately to kill myself on more than one occasion.

I thought once I had kids that being a stay at home mom and wife was going to be the thing that made me happy. And being the mom did and still does. As much as I despise housework, it was a small price to pay for the joy of being home with my kids all day, watching all 3 of them start walking, hearing the first time they said 'momma' and later 'love you'. I got to spend my days outside in the spring, summer and fall. I had a garden. I got to spend time practicing my favorite hobby-cooking. I woke up to their sweet faces every morning, ran to their calls for comfort in the middle of the night and when they were sick, my lap was the only place they wanted to be. That last part is still true. It was the wife part that didn't work out so well. I wanted to be someone's wife. Loved. Partnered with. We all know how that ended.

So now here I am. Back to work. Not wanting to wait tables the rest of my life, but I like my job. I enjoy being there. I despised bartending when I first started it. Now I thouroughly enjoy it and look forward to the one shift a week I get to be back there. I don't know if this is a place where I will move up and better my life. I do know that right now, it's all I have. I feel like this job found me. It's funny, but it's something I WANT to do well at. Something I actually care about when I walk into work everyday. While I know I'll never get rich doing it, that isn't something I ever really needed. I, like most other moms, just want to provide for my family a comfortable and sustaining lifestyle.

As I have opportunites opening up to me, I am petrified. I don't want to fail, but I know that if I don't throw my sheballs out there with the risk of losing them completely, I will never go anywhere. Ever. I definitely don't want that. I don't want my kids to see me the way I see me right now. I want them to respect the choices I've made and see the fight that I know I posess in me somewhere. I just have to find confindence, which is something I lack. It's building, though, with help from the few people that believe in me and my ability to succeed.

I think that a lot of my 'belief that things will work out' mentality comes more from a deep seeded lack of confidence. It's more of a 'fear that I will completely fail and be humiliated' mentality. I think in the past it has kept me from even trying. Fear is a funny thing like that. It can take over who you thought you were and break you down into someone you never knew even lived inside of you. It was real easy to live that way when I had a husband to hide behind. His income to fall back on. I no longer have that, so I need to really man-up here. Even if I fail, I will know it wasn't because I was too afraid to try. Sometimes it's just a leap of faith. But you have to be willing to jump.