Love Shouldn't Be Anything Less Than Lightning In A Bottle...

"The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little."

I came across this today while reading quotes on destiny and love, ideas I have long doubted have any business being used in respect to one another. It seems to me, and this is just my thought process on the fly here, that IF there is one person out there that is truly 'perfect' for you (and I use that term very loosely here. Nobody is perfect. We all know that.) and that is meant to be that you would just...know it. It would be a feeling that was instant. Overwhelming. Like being struck by lightening. I don't mean love at first sight, because that's crap. But I would think it would happen fairly soon after spending some time together. That there would be enough similarities, likes, interest, laughs, physical attrativeness to set that voice of God off in your head that screams, 'HEY!!! This is the person I created for you! To fit you! To walk through life with you and love you the way I meant for people to love one another. Love him back, cherish him, hold him and be grateful you found him!'

I feel like if that something in my brain doesn't go off, then I am settling for something that isn't everything. And I vowed to never do that after my divorce. It isn't that I can't buckle down and give myself to someone. I know I can. I want all the pieces to fit, even if there are a few rough edges. I want be on fire for someone all the way. I've never had that feeling, though. I loved my husband, but it never felt totally fullfilling. I love a lot of things about the man I am with now, but again, I feel something is missing there, too. I don't mean disatisfaction with my life, either. I mean the relationships specifically. I think that if the relationship is meant to be, the other crap is weatherable together.

So I am spending a lot of time lately wondering about this concept of 'love and destiny'. My cousin is getting married 2wks from today. I know her story. I know her history with men in general and with this man she's going to spend the rest of her life with. Since I do know all that, I do believe that this man is actually the one. I know what they've sacrificed to be together. They spent YEARS half a country apart, dated other people and had given up on finding love. Then love brought them back together. I LOVE their story. I admire it. I even envy it. I believe in it whole heartedly. So I guess it does happen. I just haven't gotten to it yet for myself.

Willing to Jump...

I've always been someone who lacks clarity and direction. Of course, the times people in my life have attempted to guide me in any direction, I always went the opposite way. I guess I always believed that even in taking the path I chose myself I would end up happy, content and feel an abundance of love and satisfaction with my life. I always believed that living without definity to my expectations would lead me to a place of extreme happiness. This isn't to say that I don't believe life is what we make it and that we possess some control over our destiny. We obviously make certain choices that impact our life in big ways and we all deal with unforseeable strife's the best we know how. What I'm talking about are the things we don't control. The things that just fall into our lives. Things such as friends and love. The place our passions lie in our work and the unexpected ways in which we discover these things. 

After racking my brain for quite some time trying to find the words to say what I am really feeling here, I finally found solace in a Randy Pausch quote. (Those of you that don't know who Randy is, I suggest finding out and reading his Last Lecture. Or watching it. It was viral on YouTube some years ago.)

“Follow your passions, believe in karma, and you won't have to chase your dreams, they will come to you.”  (Randy Pausch 2007)

I have been struggling to decide what I want to do with my life. Going back to school sits in my head, not because I necessarily WANT to go to school, but because it seems like the right thing to do. The problem is, I hate sitting in class. I hate being lectured. I get bored sooooo quickly in that type of setting. I am definitely a kinesthetic learner. Maybe I suffer from some minor sort of ADD but I go absolutely bonkers if I have to sit in one place too long.

Its a miracle I survived the minor stint I did behind a desk. I was there precisely one winter and the follwing spring before I quit for something more hands on. I made great money there and they offerend all the grown up benefits-full medical, dental, vision, 401k. Shit. They even offered insurance for your dog or cat. I got bonuses each pay check for performing over what was expected of me. I hated the job though. There is nothing more boring that entering information into a computer for 8 hours straight. And forget about the days I worked overtime. I wanted desperately to kill myself on more than one occasion.

I thought once I had kids that being a stay at home mom and wife was going to be the thing that made me happy. And being the mom did and still does. As much as I despise housework, it was a small price to pay for the joy of being home with my kids all day, watching all 3 of them start walking, hearing the first time they said 'momma' and later 'love you'. I got to spend my days outside in the spring, summer and fall. I had a garden. I got to spend time practicing my favorite hobby-cooking. I woke up to their sweet faces every morning, ran to their calls for comfort in the middle of the night and when they were sick, my lap was the only place they wanted to be. That last part is still true. It was the wife part that didn't work out so well. I wanted to be someone's wife. Loved. Partnered with. We all know how that ended.

So now here I am. Back to work. Not wanting to wait tables the rest of my life, but I like my job. I enjoy being there. I despised bartending when I first started it. Now I thouroughly enjoy it and look forward to the one shift a week I get to be back there. I don't know if this is a place where I will move up and better my life. I do know that right now, it's all I have. I feel like this job found me. It's funny, but it's something I WANT to do well at. Something I actually care about when I walk into work everyday. While I know I'll never get rich doing it, that isn't something I ever really needed. I, like most other moms, just want to provide for my family a comfortable and sustaining lifestyle.

As I have opportunites opening up to me, I am petrified. I don't want to fail, but I know that if I don't throw my sheballs out there with the risk of losing them completely, I will never go anywhere. Ever. I definitely don't want that. I don't want my kids to see me the way I see me right now. I want them to respect the choices I've made and see the fight that I know I posess in me somewhere. I just have to find confindence, which is something I lack. It's building, though, with help from the few people that believe in me and my ability to succeed.

I think that a lot of my 'belief that things will work out' mentality comes more from a deep seeded lack of confidence. It's more of a 'fear that I will completely fail and be humiliated' mentality. I think in the past it has kept me from even trying. Fear is a funny thing like that. It can take over who you thought you were and break you down into someone you never knew even lived inside of you. It was real easy to live that way when I had a husband to hide behind. His income to fall back on. I no longer have that, so I need to really man-up here. Even if I fail, I will know it wasn't because I was too afraid to try. Sometimes it's just a leap of faith. But you have to be willing to jump.

Rolling in the Deep...

Today would be my 7 year wedding anniversary. Last Friday marked the 1 year anniversary of the day I told my now ex-husband that I wanted a divorce. This whole month has been a whirl wind of emotions for me. It started with my birthday on the 3rd, which is always a difficult day for me since my dad died. Then I got injured at work a week later. Then the boyfriend and I encountered some issues I wasn't sure we were going to recover from. Fortunately, we have much better communication and understanding between us than was ever present in my marriage. I think the lack of those 2 things was a direct factor as to why our marriage ended when it did. I don't want to go on a big emotional Dennis-Miller-style rant about the ways my heart has broken over the crumbling of my marriage to the man I hoped to love forever. I will say this to him because I know he checks my blog, or use to, and may read this.
                        
Remember when I told you after we split up that I never loved you the way I believed people are suppose to love? I know you took that to heart and I know you took it not in the way I intended it. I believe you took that to mean that over 10 years I never loved you at all. I did. With my whole heart. I was full of love and passion for you and for us. I never felt that out of you, though. I feel that when 2 people really love each other, those things need to be forever present and present in such a strong, deeply connected way that at the end of the day, there really is nothing that can tear you apart. We lacked that. We are both too stubborn and too proud. That's on both of us. I'm just the one that chose to accept it for that. It wasn't with a light heart that I moved on. At all. It didn't have the same immediate effect on  me initially following our separation. It's hitting me now and has been since June 19.

So. Knowing all that...here is the only song that has been playing in my head over the last few months.

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I'd also like to note here to someone that will definitely take notice if he watches the video: Yes, I noticed the ninja and yes, I realize how important the drum part of this song is to driving the emotion behind the lyrics home.*

Perpetually Unsatisfied...

Satisfaction-Fulfillment of one's wishes, expectations, or needs, or the pleasure derived from this.

I started a post recently that I never published about the perpetually miserable people of the world. I have never considered myself a miserable person. I find joy in most every part of life and while I have had enough of my own crap to deal with, as we all do, I tend to find the silver lining. Granted I haven't always been like this. I was once a teenager. I attribute my coming around simply to coming of age.

That said...there are people out there that are miserable and while I feel badly, I know they create their own misery. What about those of us that simply wish for more? Those of us that feel life has so much to offer and we want to soak up every ounce of it, even if it means missing out on something that could be lasting and indefintely fullfilling?

I think that there is a huge difference in being miserable and being unsatisfied. I feel I am one of God's favorites. His perpetually unsatisfied. I believe my dad was, too, and I have a few friends that I think fit into this category as well. I don't think this means we are eternally unsatisfied because we have a "the grass is greener on the other side" attitude about things. I think it stems more from a place that believes life has more to give us than we've been able to find. And that is what the search is all about.

I think the people like me are the people that have always, as long as can be remembered, had a void in their soul. One that has always been very much felt. The question that has been burning in my mind lately is not WHAT fills that void-I think it can be a number of things; a relationship, a job, a hobby...anything, but what I want to know is HOW to fill the void. I thought it could be done by taking risks, living life and experiencing pain. I still believe these are all steps in the process. But what else? Is there more? Is that void capable of being filled at all or is it an endless, exhausting journey that leaves us forever perpetually unsatisfied? I wonder if the satisfaction we seek is found after death. But that is an entirely different level of questioning that I'm not ready to delve into quite yet.

For now...I need to choose a career path.

Suggestions?

Dear Husband,

Yes, I still refer to you as Husband here. I tucked our baby's into bed tonight and as I kissed each of their beautiful heads all I saw was you. Emma's attitude and ability to stab with her tongue comes from you. Her random sweetness when she says things like, "Momma, you're my destiny", also comes from you. She's inquisitive...never misses a thing. And ballsy. That is aaaaallll me.


Ryan's inability to communicate comes from you. His way of venting frustration, hurt and anger; the very way he FEELS life is from me. It amazes me that our two biggest battles with each other completely make up his way of doing things.

Logey. He sleeps like me, he thinks like me, his sarcasm, humor and love of life comes from me. I know this. But I'll be God damned if that boy has a single feature that makes him look anything like me. He is olive toned and looks like a freaking Mexican come July. He gets that from you. He sleeps like me-on his belly, one leg up, clutching his pillow...he snores like you.

I'm sad that our marriage didn't last. I'm so happy we loved enough to create these three little people together, though. They are so amazing and they remind me in the ways they're like you, why I fell in love with you all those years ago. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I miss the way you hugged me. I always felt so safe in those moments. Sometimes I can't believe we're really divorced. I think about the things I miss about you, though. And everything I miss is the friendship we had. We never had a great marriage...we lacked so much in that. We had a friendship. A really good one. That's what I miss. You really were my best friend for over a decade.

The last thing dad said to me before he died was, "Life has a funny way of working out, KB". Remember? And he told you, "Do right by those kids, Pat". I think both those things are coming to fruition. I just wish it was easier.

A Random Moment of Clarity...

A lot of people seem to think that the key to healing after a major life event is finding reason for and place to throw blame. I don't think this at all. While I am fully aware of my husband's shortcomings in our marriage, its my own I am trying to recognize, accept and change from. I believe a large part of healing is learning to accept your faults and flaws and learn to love yourself despite them. Possibly because of them. Most certainly the final stage is learning from the mistakes and then making the necessary changes to become a fuller, wiser, more characteristically reliable person because of them.

Shit I'll Never Do...Otherwiwse Known As A Bucket List To All You "Shiny" People Out There...

A work in progress, as I assume most bucket list's are over the course of a lifetime.

1. Complete a marathon
2. Learn to sail and then sail to the Mediterranean and spend an undetermined amount of time living on my  boat over there.
3. Travel. All over. A few places include: Ireland, Germany, Alaska, Japan, Hawaii, remote islands of the Caribbean.
4. Swim with Great Whites. In a cage, duh. 
5. Oh and if it can be with the SharkMen, even better. Also want to do the research they do. It is just so damn cool.
6. Inspire at least one of my kids to do something exceptional with their life.
7. Learn to shoot a handgun with amazing accuracy and look fantastically sexy while doing so. Like in a leather body suit with thigh high boots. I realize this last part may be impossible, but a girl can wish!
8. Live on a beach for the majority of my years. Which probably means I should move...yesterday. So I guess this one is not happening, but whatever. I still want to live on the beach. For a long time. In fact, it is most definitely the place I wish to die. Probably on one of the beaches I discover completing number 2.
9. Open and run a successful 'mom and pop' restaurant. I will have one or two house specialties, but my main menu will be, "Take it or leave it". I will decide daily what I will be serving. Hopefully people will find the idea clever and unique and not actually leave it...leaving me bankrupt and suicidal.
10. Attend culinary school. This has nothing to do with number 9. Its just something I really want to do.
11. Find a man that loves me in the way I know I need to be loved. Or not. I'm not committing this to being something I truly want to happen. I don't know. Don't ask me.
12. A bucket list is a list of things one wishes to do before one dies, correct? The term 'things' is used very loosely, I would assume? So for the 'thing' filling spot 12? Mike Rowe. You saw that one comin', huh?
13. Bake a cake. Perfectly. Lemon flavored.
14. Drive an Indy car. 
15. Visit all 50 states. 
16. Drive old Route 66.
17.  Eat a meal prepared by Anthony Bourdain. I love him. And I don't give a rat's ass what you think about it!
18. Graduate college.
19. Take a cross country road trip. By myself. 
20. See a baseball game in the Green Monster. It won't be there forever!
21. Stay at the Palmer House and the Drake in the winter. Then lay in bed all day and order one of everything off the room service menu.
22. Chase a tornado. Even though they terrify me.
23. Learn to cut hair...well.
24. Drastically change my hair color and live as a blonde and a red head for a few months each. 
25. Invent teleportation. I'm this||close. Seriously.
26. Meet my top 5 favorite Tweeters all at once. THAT will be a party of truly epic proportions.
27. Skip every holiday for a year. At least Christmas and Thanksgiving. Travel somewhere exotic instead...like a Peruvian jungle or some shit like that.