Fuck it. I am sure I will only feel the wrath of this heartfelt bullshit but whatever. Its how I feel right now.

I know I have kind of abandoned my blog recently. I have nothing original to say. I'm at a loss for inspiration lately. I'm unhappy with myself. I'm putting a great deal of focus on my kids and their well being. I was struggling with them for a long time and now my focus has shifted solely to them. It has to. They're the only part of my life where I find true happiness, even during our struggles. I know that without them in my life I would never feel peace. All that said, stick around. I'll be back to normal soon enough, I hope. I have a few things to make peace with in my life. I do feel like I am beginning to heal...some. I am afraid to feel it all the way, though, because I know the second I do I will be blown back to square fucking one by some asshole move someone makes.

I once used social media as an outlet.  A place I could say whatever popped into my fucking head and I knew it didn't actually matter. It was the one place I felt my life obstacles, inner most thoughts and things I just found hysterical could be somewhat made public, responded to and then let go. A place without judgment, really. Since my pending divorce...it has become the Devil. A place my thoughts, non-thoughts, shared via-others-thoughts-I-possibly-might-have-thought-funny, things I was really just feeling not thinking or not part of me...all of that...anything I thought was...mine...has become a source of ridicule. Gasoline to an already toxic fire. Keep in mind about 60% of life is bullshit. How often do you say something you're simply thinking? Not something you truly believe, did, hope to do one day or even give 2 shits about...imagine if every one of those thoughts was somehow being used against you and your character. Your well being. Your somewhat fragile state of mind. Yeah...you'd shut out the whole fucking world, too, and wouldn't trust ANYONE. That is what lies, manipulation and an already fragile psyche cause someone.

A friend of mine is going through some really bogus bullshit involving the crazy (yes, genuinely crazy) females in his life. It's sad because I can understand both sides of the battle there. What scares me is that he may very well be enduring the same manipulation and bullshit I go through with my husband. My husband always tried to make it come off as if the things I was feeling were wrong. Or as if his lack of feelings was 'normal'. I pray for my friend. I pray God helps the women he loves and in turn helps him because I see the strain of being their main support through all this taking a toll on him.

The sanity my husband tried so hard to make me believe I lacked is shining like a mother fucking beacon on a beach on a foggy as fucking hell night. I simply experience, live, feel and learn from life. THAT IS THE 'NORMAL' process of things. Just because he can make me laugh like no one I have ever known means precisely shit in the grand scheme of things. He once rocked my fucking world. We had so many great times. Times we laughed until we were both incapable of speech.

I still do think of him and smile...but it is very specific issues I smile upon. For instance, our youngest son, Logan, who is so very much the PERFECT combination of Husband and myself...his charming looks, silly grin, melt-me-perfect-eyes...my infectious laugh, my stupid be-as-you-are-attitude and both our sense of humor...he's the youngest of our children and seriously? He is the epitome of everything good in us both.

Emma. Sweet, sweet Emma. Our girl. Our FIRST girl. She has, as I've mentioned, inherited all...I mean ALL of my stubbornness, gotta have the last word, gotta take control, still gonna be shy and cautious.  She has his look. That LOOK when he is fixin' to lay into you with every possible shred of awful one can possibly possess...except...with her, that poison turns to sunshine, once corrected, and the innocence and peacefulness a child possesses shines bright and true. Then she smiles and that ends it for me. He use to do that, too.

Ryan. Stubborn, heart-on-the-sleeve, kind, thoughtful Ryan. Our first boy. He lives with his anger, frustration, greed, jealousy, passion, thoughtfulness...all of it, right THERE. He doesn't ever pretend he's feeling something he isn't. He is SO. FUCKING. REAL. He gets that from me. (Now, here, on that point precisely, I am sure Husband is disagreeing. I think that if he thinks back though, he will see the signs were all there but that he chose to ignore them. His ignorance of it all may have been the thing that drove me to leaving him). Our Ryan is all of that. He does, in contrast to Husband and I, love the exact person he is and not just at the exact time he happens to be that person. Ryan has the sweetest smile. He says the MOST thoughtful things to me. On random: "Momma, you're so beautiful, Superman would marry you." or "Momma, I love you with my heart. My whole heart, because you make the BEST 'cooked' salami sandwich EVER" (dudes. I toast the fucking bread. That. Is. It. Then mayo, tomato, cheese and salami. He loves the shit out of it.) "Momma, I know one day, when I am big, I will be a workin-guy and I will drive a big semi-truck. When I am that big, you will be my passenger. I will still be your son then, Momma, because you and Daddy made me."

These kids are exactly what my life is. They are exactly who I am, good and bad and everything in between. They're such a wonderful combination of Husband and I and I love seeing that in them. I wonder if their dad ever sees that in them The parts that are him. The parts that are me. The parts that are Us. The parts that came from places we never knew. I don't know. I don't know because he never communicates with me.

I am not sure I have a point to this post anymore. I started it probably a week ago and have since added thoughts to it 4 or 5 times. I am flawed. God made me who I am, however; and He is not flawed. I trust the person he made me, through him, to be what I need to be for whomever is in need. That person may change, on a surface level from time to time. I think we all cross paths and existences for a reason. He knows it.

Cherish the people He puts in your life. You never know who they are and you may gain the best things out of the people you least expected to do so from.

Life is so fucking short, friends. Enjoy every sandwich.

#TWM...Fairy Tales and Prince Charming...(All bullshit if you ask me)...

"You know when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be - white dress, prince charming who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill. You’d lie in your bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa clause, the tooth fairy, prince charming -- they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up and one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope and faith that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true." -Meredith

The Secret To A Happy Ending Is Knowing When To Roll The Credits...

"To love is to feel pain" there ain't no way around it
The very nature of love is to grieve when it is over
The secret to a happy ending is knowing when to roll the credits
Better roll them now before something else goes wrong
No, it's a wonderful world, if you can put aside the sadness
And hang on to every ounce of beauty upon you
Better take the time to know it there ain't no way around it
If you feel anything at all

Gonna be a world of hurt 

So if what you have is working for you, or you think that it can stand a reasonable chance, and whatever's broken seems fixable and nothing's beyond repair
If you still think about each other and smile before you remember how screwed up it's gotten or maybe dream of a time less rotten
Remember, it ain't too late to take a deep breath and throw yourself into it with everything you got

It's great to be alive

-Patterson Hood 

Living Life The Way I Feel...

I've never minded where you're going
I know that change is a part of you
I'm not gonna hide anymore, I'm gonna listen to myself
and maybe one day I can be real too.

Yeah, you are living life
Yeah you are, you are living life
Don't you know that you are living life
the way you feel
and that is real 

-Ben Kweller


I can't live my life in my own words lately. So for a while you will see a lot of me through stolen verse. I love you all. I'll be 'normal' again come spring. Maybe.

TWM...Secrets...

CRAP! I thought I had this scheduled to post at 8am today, obviously NOT! So, here it is and yes, Donna, I am behind!!! You didn't text me tonight, either!


The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open, like it or not. And once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them anymore. The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control, you're not. -Meredith