Missing My Daddy...

It will be 6 years this Sunday since I lost your guidance in my life. I don't "miss" you everyday as I once did. The void isn't filled and never will be. But it's transformed. Instead of crying myself to sleep every night and waking up forgetting that you're gone, I miss you most and feel that void at it's deepest when I need someone to talk to that understands our family. I wish you were here to talk to. You had a way of understanding even the stupidest of issues and knowing how to reach a place of sanity and reason-ability and sense ability even with the most stubborn, skewed points of view. I miss knowing that everything would be ok.

I wonder if you're proud of me. If my life and the person I have become makes you proud to call yourself my dad. Then again, I'm not sure why I wonder. I know as long as we treated others with respect and kindness, stuck up for what we knew was right and walked a path with the love of God in our hearts, that we made you proud.

You'd have been proud of Ryan tonight. He sang at school and was so lovely and so happy and smiled so brightly, I know your heart would have swelled as mine did.

I know when Emma shared her orange slices with Ryan at snack time today, you smiled.

I know when Logan did his little boogie dance to Mario music this afternoon, you roared with laughter at his uninhibited silliness.

I know when I told mom, her opinion has a time and place to be shared, you patted me on the back, slid an arm around my shoulder and squeezed it tight.

I know every time The Sexiest Man Alive puts my head straight, encourages me and supports me, you smile to know I've found someone to appreciate and be appreciated by.

I know we make you proud. I know we made you happy while you were here, and dad, you make me as happy in death as you ever did holding my hand through the scary times, squeezing my knee through the happy times and hugging me every day you had the chance.

You make me proud to be your daughter and I love you.

Shit KK's Brain Does UnChecked...

Things going through my beautiful brain tonight...

I love having a laptop at my disposal again, even if I cannot get use to the keyboard at hand

I could not have picked a more perfect kitten. Seriously. TSMA went to bed and she loves the shit out of her daddy; however, she is a mommas girl and is and has been camped out on the couch next to me since he went to bed.

My minivan is finally coming to terms with the piece-of-shit mentality I have abused her with over the last seven years.

I finally caught up on my Trivia Crack.

Divorce is a horrible and beautiful mind fuck of a thing, simultaneauoulsy.

New Glarus makes too many exceptional brews.

My children are exceptional. Their father and I have done a good job of making sure that happens.

I hate that it took me nearly 3 decades to know what it is to love another human being out side of my children.

Cats groom themselves A LOT and I am jealous of the sexy poses they strike while doing so.

I wonder if there is a love of food more fullfilling than tacos.

John Cusack is the most underated actor of all time.

I am really looking forward to biscuits and gravy in the morning.

Why are women so petty and cruel? I literally have one female friend I trust, love, and would give my life for and she has known me since the day I was born. And it is not my mother.

I love, love, LOVE the acoustic guitar. I am so biased in my love for this instrument that I forsake any attempt at harmony unless it is acoustic. Or slide. And on that note I always have loved the line, "I want to live with a musician". I was blessed enough to have my dad and brother play the drums regularly in my life. Then I got TSMA and my absolute favorite thing to do to unwind is sit on the couch, peruse my social media updates and listen to and watch that wonderful man play his guitar. All I need now is a piano player. I think my Lou has that in her soul.

TSMA has a really warm jacket I like to wear. I've also hijacked a couple hoodies, flannels, and plaid pjs over the years.

My children are utterly brilliant. And kind. And thoughtful. And good humoured. And gorgeous. That isn't by accident.

I wish my dad were alive to see me now.

Mario is a very intense game at midnight, when you're playing by yourself.

I wish I could be more verbally awarding to the 6 loves in my life. I wish my love and words were a blanket that enveloped my Lou, Ryna, Logey, and Sexiest Man Alive and his precious babies, every day.

I am thankful I met a man who loved a woman that cares so greatly for their children. I am happy I get to know those kids and that my influence in their lives is positive. I am beyond thrilled that I have a man that is helping me make my wonderful children into exempary human beings, and I love that I can see the things I once saw in my ex, shine beautifully through them. I love that divorce is awful and not always expected, but that it has given me a better perspective. On parenting. On life. On love.

I have a life that for the first time, in a long time, I am proud of.

I wish all of you (and I will restrain myself and not call you assholes or bitches) the happiness I THINK I have finally found.

Namasti...

My Head Don't Work Right...

I cleaned my entire house today. SCRUBBED it down in every room. Threw shit away. I took a shower, shaved my legs (a grooming habit that I tend to abandon in the cold months), made a pot roast for dinner...and then my ungratefull crotch fruit wonderfully appreciative children came home from school, dropped their sub zero armageddon gear and slush filled boots in the middle of my living room and proceeded to bicker for the next 3 hours. That is when I put them to bed because I really could NOT take it anymore. Oh, did I forget to mention it took them 45 minutes to not even clean their plates and they bitched the entire time about a meal I;ve made a MILLION AND SEVENTY FIVE times before that they have loved??? How could I forget that part?

So now I am in bed watching one of my Top Five Favorite Movies EVER,  High Fidelity, and I am contemplating one of the first Top Five John's character poses to the viewer, "Top Five Breakups". And he names them all and then YELLS, "DO YOU SEE YOUR NAME ON THAT LIST, LAURA?!?!?!?!".  It begged me to wonder about my own breakups.

Now, TSMA will tell you I have been around, but, in all honesty, I haven't. I married a man I met when I was 16, started dating at 17 and was with him and faithful until I was almost 28. So, in all honesty...I am limited in the "relationship" aspect of life.

I remember the demise of my first high school boyfriend and I. It was painful, I suppose, but I was 17 and now I just really don't ever even think it made ANY difference in my life, in the aggregate. I still talk to him occasionally (thank you Facebook) and we've had a couple drinks together in our adult lives. He has a kid, I have 3...I love our friendship and would be more heartbroken if that ended than I was over our high school bullshit.

After that, I had my marriage. While it was horribly painful in the time I spent deciding to end it, it was more painful being a part of that...so called...marriage...than when I finally left.

Then there was my first boyfriend following my divorce. Sadly, I never loved that man. I was never...cruel...I was just univolved. It was a rebound relationship. He is a good person with wonderful qualities; caring, giving, loving...it pains me that he really fell for me and I wasn't as into him as he was into me. He was a good man.

So that brings us current. Now we're at TSMA and, as it stands right now? I would be a mother fucking train wreck if that man left me. I suppose this happens, as you gain experience and learn and grorw, but I would have thought, at thirty years old and with a 10year plus marriage, 3 kids...I would have thought I knew what it was like to love a man. I get the love of your children. It is uncompareable and insurmountable. That isn't the love I am talking about. I am talking about loving another person as a human being. And having an intimate relationship with someone. I honestly woul.d have thought I had learned, or felt, at it's absolute depth, that fire. I never realized until TSMA, that I never had.

My soul is on fire with him. My heart was on fire in my marriage. This is so much better. I hate even thinking about it because it gives me chills. Not the stupid butterfly chills teenage idiots have in their endless supply of libido, but chills because my core refusses to recognize and acknowledge the warm-touchy-feelies I have for this human being. I use to think it scared him more than me. I really did. But that has totally changed. I am more pettrified than I think he could ever be about anything.

I suppose that reflects directly upon my ultimate dammage from my marriage. But the thought of believing a man could actually love, want, need, appreciate, support, belive in...those are things I never saw coming.

 But I mother fucking digress, bitches.

Shit That Reminds You Of Me Numero 3...

Trailing on the latest upset in my little world of sports fandom, I think it is time once again to bring you a Shit You Post About Me entry... You know, because you all clearly think so fucking highly of me!




This was posted by a coworker of mine with the message, "Happy Birthday". So, yes, Miss Heather, I am expecting this. August 3rd. Mark your calendar.



"I think I found one of your offsprings"

Yep. Probably mine!



Again, Heather, you clearly know me oh-so-well!!!

'Nuff said.




And now onto the heckling surrounding my loss today...all good humored of course.









Fuckers. Being a Cubs fan has taught me one mother fucking thing...there's always next year.

Keep it classy, bitches.