The One Where I Ramble...Again...About Stuff...

I always had this dream of a perfect date. The ultimate romantic weekend. It started with this gorgeous, out-of-my-league man, a trip downtown for a long, fancy dinner at a gorgeous, extravagant restaurant where we're dressed to the nines, in a corner booth...all the bells and whistles I have never had the opportunity to experience. Husband never took me out like this. Never planned special outings. Nothing fun and fancy. So I always fantasized about what it would be like to be truly taken out.



Well, I can say I have had this dream ALMOST come true. Every 6 months I go to a lunch at Russian Tea Time with my mom, my aunt and my aunt's sister (who you think I would also call 'aunt', but my actual aunt isn't actually my aunt, so her sister isn't my aunt...fuck it. To make it simple, I go with my mom, my Aunt Carol and my Aunt Laurie. Got it?). We have a very, very, very long lunch that includes about 3 flights of vodka, 2-3 appetizers, an entree, pickles, pumpernickel bread, we toast in Russian and I am too fucking tired to look that shit up and link you...wait, ok, I'm not. I'll do it. Nope. Never mind. Don't know how to say it. But it sounds something like.... "Nastrovia". Whatever, I'm a fucktard, but that is as much as you'll get outta me.

Mmmmm...vodka flight...

Mmmm...yummy...

Any fucking day later, after we have our awesome lunch we walk over to to Garrett's because, HELLO? Best. Popcorn. EVER. Chicago mix. Then after that, we go somewhere else fancy and elite and AWESOME for more cocktails. The first time we went to the Palmer. We sat in the lobby and watched people. It was the night before the 'Royal Wedding' so they were doing all kinds of prepping for some middle of the night fucking celebration they were having, and the entire place smelled like flowers and vanilla. It was wonderful.

Lobby of the Palmer. Don't you feel regal just looking at that picture?!

The second time we needed a plan. My suggestion was the Signature Lounge, after Garrett's, of course. We arrived right as the sun was just fucking BLINDING coming through the windows, BUT, we scoped it out, got the BEST table and watched the sunset from 96 floors up. It was INCREDIBLE. After enjoying some of their very different signature martinis, Aunt Carol and Aunt Laurie hopped in a cab to head back to Indiana. Mom and I stumbled our way back to the train station, laughing hysterically the entire way.

Me, Aunt Carol, Mom and Aunt Laurie. September 2011.

Aunt Laurie and I in the Signature Lounge. See how fucking BLINDING that sun was?

The sun finally went down. That's my city. Isn't it beautiful?

I love these dates with these three, very amazing, women. I wish we had them more frequently, but then again if we did, I don't think they'd be so special to me. Someday I hope I find a man that thinks enough of me to take me out for weekends like on occasion. There are plenty of wonderfully romantic days to be had in Chicago and the possibilities are truly endless. One place I want very badly to stay is the Drake.

Isn't it fabulous?!

I LOVE this picture...Wow. To be THAT elegant and graceful?? Gorgeous.

My hope is that one day I will find a man that thinks I am worthy of being wined and dined once in a while. One thoughtful enough to plan getaways like this. Bottom line, I guess, is that if he doesn't than I know he isn't good for me. If I never find that man, I always have Mom, Aunts Carol and Laurie and Russian Tea Time.

TWM...Understanding...

"You have to go back to the beginning to understand the end." -Teddy

Too Late To Wait...

And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slip now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me
-Alexi Murdoch

The above are lyrics to a song from my favorite movie (or one of many), Away We Go. There is a wonderfully sentimental story I could tell you about the first time I watched this movie, alone and sobbing. Then immediately watched it again with Husband when he arrived home late that night and again, sobbed. All you really need to know is it is a movie that speaks to my heart and will forever be a favorite of mine. It is one of those movies that is made even better by a lyrically fabulous soundtrack. The lyrics posted above are ones that from that very first viewing stuck in my head.

I always felt like I was falling behind. Behind everyone. My husband, my family, my peers, co-workers, friends...everyone. That I never really fit in with any of them because I was someone that lived with her heart on her sleeve. I felt everything, right there, on the surface. I was emotional. Passionate. I have become much more guarded over the years for various reasons. There is a very thick wall around my heart and I have no intentions of ever letting anyone break through it.

I use to pray, constantly, to God to please, please not let my husband ever leave me if I fell behind him. If I wasn't enough for him. If I became too depressed, too scared, too broken to be everything I felt he wanted me to be. "Please," I would plead, "please just let him wait for me. Wait until I can be who he wants. Don't let him stop loving me." When I came to the realization that I would never be the woman he wanted me to be and that he would never be the man I wanted him to be, it never even occurred to me that maybe, MAYBE over the years he DID see himself failing me as a man. As my husband. Maybe he was pleading, in his own way, for me to wait for him. For him to change. For him to learn to love me the way my heart needs to be loved.

Of course if he did he never communicated those wishes to me. Ever. That is one area I think he will never quite excel in- communication. I can't be sure this was ever something he felt or thought. What I do know is when he took our kids for dinner last night while I was at work, he had my car and he changed the CD in the player to the above one and to the above song. When I got in my car to take Logan to school this morning, this was the song I heard. I doubt this was intentional on his part. I don't know for sure, of course. In any event, it made me wonder. Maybe, just maybe, he has realized his faults. His shortcomings. The part his behavior towards me played in the demise of our marriage. Maybe. Maybe it wasn't just me.

Or maybe like most things in life, it was a pure coincidence.

I'll Go To My HS Reunion...But Only With My Vaggie On My Right Arm and A Bottle In My Left...

I got this Facebook message tonight from my high school class president. *I want to note that I realize a lot of my FB friends read my blog and, duh, most of them are my former classmates. That said, none of what follows is meant in anyway to offend or hurt the feelings of any of them. If it does, grow a pair of she balls and get the fuck over it.* Anyway, the message was an invite to my ten year reunion coming up this summer. I find pure hilarity in the fact that it was sent via FB. I would hope this was intended as more of a save-the-date type thing and an actual invite is to come via snail mail. I mean for the love of Christ. This is not BumFuck, ID, its fricking Crystal Lake, IL. I went to a high school where the student parking lot was FULL of new cars. Most of the kids drove nicer cars than the teachers. I, of course, drove a 1993 Pontiac Sunbird. When that died my senior year I then drove a '91 Olds Cuts Supreme, cuz I was a pimp and shit. Anyway, back to all this freaking comedy I find too freaking hilarious. So I get this invite via the Facebook and then I start laughing hysterically because anyone that knows anything about me realizes there is no possibility of my going anywhere NEAR my high school reunion. I fucking hated that shit when I was there. I got out a semester early. Would it not have broken my dad's heart I sure as shit wouldn't have attended my graduation ceremony.

I have this feeling that this thing is really just a way for all the successful, pretentious assholes that actually did something with their lives to show up and behave like successful, pretentious assholes in front of all of us fuck-ups. Which is fine. I'm not jealous of their success. Not really. I mean, most of the men probably bang their secretaries on the side and neglect their wives. Most of the women probably have herpes. I bet few of them are as awesome as me. I'll be all, "Oh yeah, I dropped out of college, got married way too young, had babies way too early, stayed home with my kids, decided after a decade together I was better off divorcing my husband and moving back home to the house I grew up in and waiting tables like I did when I was 19. No, I'm definitely not a fuck-up. I'm just a late-bloomer."

So in all my rage filled, self hate, woe-is-me, pity party moment of bitterness, I then had the. most. brilliant. idea. EVER. If you follow me on Twitter or happen to be my FB friend you know all about my #vagemate, our #vaglove and our hatred for kittens. I am willing to bet she thinks crotch rot is more appealing than a high school reunion, too. But THEN I thought, HOLY SHIT. It would be the best time EVER if she came WITH ME.

*BY THE WAY. If you don't know my vagmate, Gucci, go check her out. You'll totally understand why I love her and why we get along so freaking well.*

So, vaggie. Whaddya say? August. We'll call it, "Vagmates High School Reunion". OR "Gucci Does Crystal Lake". Hahaha...ha..ha...oh my. Of course they'll be paying us to party at the Bee while you're in town, too. Your ute will be good and healed and He Gucci and She Gucci can come chill with my wee ones. Emma and He Gucci will probably get married one day any how. Oh yes. This will be epic.

#TWM...Suddenly? LIFE...

"You can't prepare for a sudden impact. You can't brace yourself. It just hits you out of nowhere and suddenly the life that you knew before is over. Forever." -Meredith


So I wrote this whole post to go along with this TWM quote about the sudden impact I never truly was prepared for in my life. How it changed me. How I never have fully recovered from it. Then I said FUCK IT. I am happy tonight. Me. Happy! And when it is snowing outside, no less!!! That is a God sent miracle.

I can hear my kids laughing outside with my mom; they're sledding. I can smell the soup I am making simmering on the stove. I have a glass of wine in my hand. I am periodically getting text messages from a friend that was blessed with the arrival of a baby in his life today. I so appreciate hearing from him. I have new beginnings happening all over my life. I cannot help but smile. On my face and in my heart.

I hope this Thursday finds you all happy, too.

Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it.

Not As We...

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour
Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I’m barely making sense for now
I’m faking it ’til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we
Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here
Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we
Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God’s taking bets
I pray He wants to lose
Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I’m barely making sense just yet
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we



-Alanis Morissette

#TWM...The New Grey's Is Here! The New Grey's Is Here!...

After a freaking 5 or 6 week hiatus, Grey's is finally returning tonight with new episodes!!! Yeah bitches! Here's a TWM post I am so feelin' right now. Happy Thursday!

"Say you're in the OR repairing a vena cava. When suddenly everything goes to hell. So, you cut this, suture that, and soon that crappy situation is a thing of the past. Too bad you can't meet all of life's challenges with a surgical scalpel. I mean, you could try. But I'm pretty sure that would be considered assault." -Meredith