I have never been a strong writer. I say what I'm thinking and rarely filter any of it. I am rash, generally judgmental and I only get dumber as I get older. I have trouble putting my thoughts into strong sentences let alone paragraphs. I started this blog because I was alone with my thoughts all too much. My husband worked 6 days a week, 17 hours a day and often didn't come home at night at all. Recently the business he has worked for the last 6 years closed it's doors due to financial struggles. This leaves him trying to hit the ground running and start the life-long goal of becoming self employed. This also means we are in a very dire financial situation and stuck with many decisions to make.
Do we try to sell our home for what we owe (more than it is worth, for sure) or do we simply default on the loan, which is inevitable even with his unemployment (should the check ever arrive)?
What do we do for insurance for our kids, 2 of which have medical conditions which require monitoring of with ECG's (at least once a year for each)? We would put them on state aid, but will that require them to switch to an in-state hospital? I can't do that...CHW has seen me and my family through 2 kids with heart issues, NICU, 2 surgeries, PICU and all follow up care. CHW is our family and I would go in debt the rest of my life to keep them with the doctors that made life at all possible for them.
What do we do about the strain this puts on our marriage??? Our relationship is one that is built to stand the test of time and trust me, God is taking every opportunity to test us. We have made it through more life struggles in our almost 10 years together than many couples face over the life of their relationship. I think we have grown to the point of knowing each other is in it for the long run, come hell or high water. And we have seen both. What we cannot seem to sort out is a) communication and total honesty. (For me this isn't difficult to do, but for him it appears impossible) and b) my inability to accept his mother for her Schindler's list of character flaws (uh, duh! I have kids she wants to influence!) and his inability to ever see my concerns as genuine due to the fact that his mother and I have our share of history.
I guess we will see what God has in store for us as the next weeks and months unfold. In the meantime I suppose I am left with a lot of time to reflect, pray and contemplate my sanity. Not to mention more sleeplessness than I already deal with as a mother of 3 young kids and husband whose snore could challenge the rumbles of Mt. Vesuvius.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sigh...(1st edition)...
So I looked at the calendar today and it appears Christmas is just a few days away (haha, yes, I am ready)...
This time of year brings a lot of things...
I emptied my pockets into a Salvation Army kettle the other day when the bell ringer looked me in the eye and wished me a "Merry Christmas". (I maybe gave him 78 cents because I just don't carry cash).
My kids are so excited for Christmas that they ask me daily questions about Santa. They also ask me questions like, "Who delivers the presents to Papa in heaven, mom?" (Well, DUH, I say Jesus!).
My husband was informed a week ago that the business he has devoted 60 hours a week to for the last 6 years would be closing its doors and he would be losing his job, as well as the medical insurance our 2 of 3 heart kids oh-so-need.
I am not so sure what the next month will bring for us, let alone the next week. I do know my mom would never let my family go hungry or homeless. That is a reassurance.
Despite what the holiday season brings for ME, personally, I find myself wanting to give to others what I don't have to give. I can't pay a lot of the bills I have due this month, that's ok because I know my kids won't go without. What bothers me is that I didn't have the 10 dollars to pay the 12 year old that came to my door last night wanting to shovel my un-groomed driveway. Or that I had to shred the mailers from all the charities I have donated to in the past.
Oh Christmas brings so many emotions for me...
but what it reminds me of most are these: faith in God, hope for the future and charity for those in need.
Faith. Hope. Charity.
I don't know much, but I do know those 3 things are very important.
God bless and Merry Christmas!
This time of year brings a lot of things...
I emptied my pockets into a Salvation Army kettle the other day when the bell ringer looked me in the eye and wished me a "Merry Christmas". (I maybe gave him 78 cents because I just don't carry cash).
My kids are so excited for Christmas that they ask me daily questions about Santa. They also ask me questions like, "Who delivers the presents to Papa in heaven, mom?" (Well, DUH, I say Jesus!).
My husband was informed a week ago that the business he has devoted 60 hours a week to for the last 6 years would be closing its doors and he would be losing his job, as well as the medical insurance our 2 of 3 heart kids oh-so-need.
I am not so sure what the next month will bring for us, let alone the next week. I do know my mom would never let my family go hungry or homeless. That is a reassurance.
Despite what the holiday season brings for ME, personally, I find myself wanting to give to others what I don't have to give. I can't pay a lot of the bills I have due this month, that's ok because I know my kids won't go without. What bothers me is that I didn't have the 10 dollars to pay the 12 year old that came to my door last night wanting to shovel my un-groomed driveway. Or that I had to shred the mailers from all the charities I have donated to in the past.
Oh Christmas brings so many emotions for me...
but what it reminds me of most are these: faith in God, hope for the future and charity for those in need.
Faith. Hope. Charity.
I don't know much, but I do know those 3 things are very important.
God bless and Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tough Questions...
It's been 20 months and 6 days since my dad died. He was 48. I was 24. My kids were 2, 1 and 6 months...
I still have so many...issues? questions? emotions?...about his death and my life without him. My now 4 year old and 3 year old have questions...ask questions...(I have too many thoughts swirling through my head to make this seem an even semi-coherent post, but hang in there. I'm trying).
Tonight at the dinner table with my 3 children, 'R', as we will call him, says to me very matter-of-fact, "Cancer killed Papa, mom."
Yes, R. It did.
"Well, I am scared of cancer. If I get it, I will die...which is bad."
Yes, R. That would be bad. But you don't have to worry. There are many things we can do to prevent cancer. We can be mindful of the food we eat, the medicine we take, the environment we surround our self with...do you know some of the things we eat the most of are at the top of the list of the best anti-oxidants? "What are those, mom?"
Anti-oxidants are things that fight toxins. Blueberries are number one. Broccoli is on the list, too. And did you know you are making your brain and heart healthy right now by eating your dinner? Salmon is sooooo good for you!
"What else can we do, mom?", asked E.
Well, our cousin runs. She runs and runs and runs and do you know what people give her to keep running?
"What mom?!" R asks
Money. And do you know where that money goes? The LLS. And they use it to fund research so that one day when someone is diagnosed with cancer they can go to the doctor and get medicine to make them better.
Our conversation continued on ways we can keep ourselves healthy and ways we can help the cause...but all I really wanted was for the conversation to never have to happen in the first place. I wanted my dad there, eating with us. Telling the kids how great my maple salmon and home made fried rice are. I wanted to hear him laugh when E told me she tooted at school when the teacher was reading during story time. I wanted him to smile when my youngest son, L, said "I wuff you, mom" in the special way he does and I wanted to see him well up when R recited our table prayer all by himself. I just wanted him there. And moments like that, where all I want is for him to be around, happen. Every. Single. Day. I miss him. I miss him all the time.
People like to tell you it gets better. That it hurts less. The pain becomes easier to live with...they all lied. So far, for me, it has yet to get better. I guess I talk about it less, express it outwardly less...but its just as present on the inside as it ever was. It has changed my entire life. I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad no longer is.
For the most part I try and answer the kids questions as best I can. It is quite hard though, at times, since I am really just treading water trying to keep myself from drowning in the 'stuff' I harbor myself. I know shit happens. It happens to everybody and things much worse than this happen all the time to people. I get that. I can't change that. I am just trying to live by the prayer that meant to much to my dad and that I have recited every day since the day of his diagnosis to myself...I just need those three little words these days...serenity. courage. wisdom.
I still have so many...issues? questions? emotions?...about his death and my life without him. My now 4 year old and 3 year old have questions...ask questions...(I have too many thoughts swirling through my head to make this seem an even semi-coherent post, but hang in there. I'm trying).
Tonight at the dinner table with my 3 children, 'R', as we will call him, says to me very matter-of-fact, "Cancer killed Papa, mom."
Yes, R. It did.
"Well, I am scared of cancer. If I get it, I will die...which is bad."
Yes, R. That would be bad. But you don't have to worry. There are many things we can do to prevent cancer. We can be mindful of the food we eat, the medicine we take, the environment we surround our self with...do you know some of the things we eat the most of are at the top of the list of the best anti-oxidants? "What are those, mom?"
Anti-oxidants are things that fight toxins. Blueberries are number one. Broccoli is on the list, too. And did you know you are making your brain and heart healthy right now by eating your dinner? Salmon is sooooo good for you!
"What else can we do, mom?", asked E.
Well, our cousin runs. She runs and runs and runs and do you know what people give her to keep running?
"What mom?!" R asks
Money. And do you know where that money goes? The LLS. And they use it to fund research so that one day when someone is diagnosed with cancer they can go to the doctor and get medicine to make them better.
Our conversation continued on ways we can keep ourselves healthy and ways we can help the cause...but all I really wanted was for the conversation to never have to happen in the first place. I wanted my dad there, eating with us. Telling the kids how great my maple salmon and home made fried rice are. I wanted to hear him laugh when E told me she tooted at school when the teacher was reading during story time. I wanted him to smile when my youngest son, L, said "I wuff you, mom" in the special way he does and I wanted to see him well up when R recited our table prayer all by himself. I just wanted him there. And moments like that, where all I want is for him to be around, happen. Every. Single. Day. I miss him. I miss him all the time.
People like to tell you it gets better. That it hurts less. The pain becomes easier to live with...they all lied. So far, for me, it has yet to get better. I guess I talk about it less, express it outwardly less...but its just as present on the inside as it ever was. It has changed my entire life. I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad no longer is.
For the most part I try and answer the kids questions as best I can. It is quite hard though, at times, since I am really just treading water trying to keep myself from drowning in the 'stuff' I harbor myself. I know shit happens. It happens to everybody and things much worse than this happen all the time to people. I get that. I can't change that. I am just trying to live by the prayer that meant to much to my dad and that I have recited every day since the day of his diagnosis to myself...I just need those three little words these days...serenity. courage. wisdom.
Friday, December 3, 2010
It appears John Lennon's death is at or approaching an anniversary. I don't like the Beatles. Never have...except one song, but that is another topic...anywho...I am 26, I know very little about the Beatles history. My mom graduated high school, my dad too, in 1978. My mom told me tonight about where she was when she heard the news. She was with my dad and aunt at a Pizza Hut in Merrillville, IN...that has nothing to do with me except the news channel I watch the most was playing a special on Lennon, or Lenon...I don't know and I am sorry I don't care enough right now to research the actual spelling of his name. I'm not callous or insensitive, its just that I simply don't know and that isn't what this post is about...
When I was about 9 or 10 years old my dad came in my room to say goodnight and tuck me in. I was on the top bunk of bunkbeds, my sister ont he bottom. He said goodnight to her first, as always and then stood up (he was 6'2") and said goodnight to me. I told him I was out of books to read and that we needed to go to the bookstore soon (yes, there was a library, but one cannot make notations and highlight a library book). He told me he had a book he thought I may like, but he wasn't sure it was appropriate as it was highly controversial, but he believed I was old enough to read and, he believed, understand. So he handed me his original copy of The Catcher in the Rye. And at 9 years old, I read and only half understood the book.
By the time I got to high school and it was a required reading I had read the book many, many times. The copy our class bought had a different cover than the book my dad gave me. I have been told my copy is unique...to be quite honest I am not entirely sure where my copy, from my dad, is. I think it is in an old diaper box in the closet of my almost 5 year old daughter. I hope it is.
The thing that link Lenon (lennon) to this post and my first experience with this book is that the man that murdered the Beatles legend was carrying this Salinger classic (by the way, I remember where I was when I heard Salinger had died). I know this book has often been linked to...well, infamous occurrences...it bothers me that this book means so very much to me and my dad.
Music CAN change the world...so...I love Elvis and I believe you love Elvis or you love the Beatles. I love Elvis...buuuuuut there is this ONE Beatles song and JMK, I have a very vivid memory of coming home from a vacation at Lake Arrowhead with you guys and the Fitz family and you guys and us stopped at what I remember as a BAR with darts and a jukebox and pumped a lot of money into said jukebox and I picked 2 songs, and Elvis hit and a Beatles hit. Teddy Bear was the Elvis song and it played...my Beatles pick did not...and dad waited and waited and waited just so I could hear it and it never came up...here it is...
Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Hey Jude don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Hey Jude don't let me down
You have found her now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you
Hey Jude you'll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder
Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her under your skin
Then you'll begin to make it better
I may not love the Beatles and I may not know anything about them and their history...I am a life long, born and bred Cubs fan. Today we lost a legend, an icon...an exceptional human being. God bless the Lenon family and God bless the Santo family. Baseball on the radio will never be worth listening to for me. Maybe Ron can get to the HOF now...
When I was about 9 or 10 years old my dad came in my room to say goodnight and tuck me in. I was on the top bunk of bunkbeds, my sister ont he bottom. He said goodnight to her first, as always and then stood up (he was 6'2") and said goodnight to me. I told him I was out of books to read and that we needed to go to the bookstore soon (yes, there was a library, but one cannot make notations and highlight a library book). He told me he had a book he thought I may like, but he wasn't sure it was appropriate as it was highly controversial, but he believed I was old enough to read and, he believed, understand. So he handed me his original copy of The Catcher in the Rye. And at 9 years old, I read and only half understood the book.
By the time I got to high school and it was a required reading I had read the book many, many times. The copy our class bought had a different cover than the book my dad gave me. I have been told my copy is unique...to be quite honest I am not entirely sure where my copy, from my dad, is. I think it is in an old diaper box in the closet of my almost 5 year old daughter. I hope it is.
The thing that link Lenon (lennon) to this post and my first experience with this book is that the man that murdered the Beatles legend was carrying this Salinger classic (by the way, I remember where I was when I heard Salinger had died). I know this book has often been linked to...well, infamous occurrences...it bothers me that this book means so very much to me and my dad.
Music CAN change the world...so...I love Elvis and I believe you love Elvis or you love the Beatles. I love Elvis...buuuuuut there is this ONE Beatles song and JMK, I have a very vivid memory of coming home from a vacation at Lake Arrowhead with you guys and the Fitz family and you guys and us stopped at what I remember as a BAR with darts and a jukebox and pumped a lot of money into said jukebox and I picked 2 songs, and Elvis hit and a Beatles hit. Teddy Bear was the Elvis song and it played...my Beatles pick did not...and dad waited and waited and waited just so I could hear it and it never came up...here it is...
Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Hey Jude don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Hey Jude don't let me down
You have found her now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you
Hey Jude you'll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder
Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her under your skin
Then you'll begin to make it better
I may not love the Beatles and I may not know anything about them and their history...I am a life long, born and bred Cubs fan. Today we lost a legend, an icon...an exceptional human being. God bless the Lenon family and God bless the Santo family. Baseball on the radio will never be worth listening to for me. Maybe Ron can get to the HOF now...
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