I have taken a place in life lately where I feel very...engaged, I guess, in certain aspects but in others I am more disengaged than I have ever been in anything that's ever been a part of me.

When it comes to my children, I am making choices and strides every day in an attempt to make them exemplary members of the human race. Everything I do really comes down to that one goal alone. Any of you single parents out there get that, I suppose. I look at that term, too, "single parent" very loosely. Their father is also a "single parent", though I believe he has never encompassed the requirements of that on himself. He found a replacement family. One that he believes replaces myself and everything he knew. He has never lived on his own. He's never provided for our children by  himself. He may make that pathetic child support payment every month, but he's never balanced a job, being a parent, being an ex-spouse, co-parent, single man...ever. He went from his parent's home where his mother did his laundry to my house where I took on that role and after me went back to his mother's home and then into that of yet another woman that takes care of him and his children when I am not available to do so because I am focused on developing a career to support them financially in the way he did when we were married.

When it comes to my personal life, I sadly don't even have the required strength any more to be a good partner to any one. I guess that's why this thing I am doing now works. He requires nothing but mutual respect from me. That I can do. While it bothered me for a long while that he was that way, I have only come to see I am the same way. It truly saddens me at times because I would love to be so much more for him. I just can't even think about doing that right now. I try and I treat him with the utmost respect and funnily enough I have fallen in love with this man that gives me exactly the same respect. I guess, really, I don't find that sad at all. I actually find that perfect. And I hate to use that word, but us having lives and personal bullshit and respect for one another has actually been the most perfect thing I could have ever found. I love that we continue to be together and figure out our own shit individually but knowing that the other is there for anything one of us may need. How is that not the most perfect situation? Someday, we may have to address those things, but that only means we're growing and continuing to be honest with one another. I count my blessings with that man every day. I got lucky when I met him. I pray we continue to grow as individuals, as friends, as a couple. People don't get that lucky every day.

I hate my job. I want better hours, less stress. I can make the same money. It kind of pays the bills. Mostly, anyway. But I never see my kids. Not the way I believe is essential to raising them. So, I am working that out. I'll do whatever it takes to be home with them more. They need me and respectively, I need them more. Those monkeys of mine make my life worth living, which I am sure is something every parent feels. I just want the opportunity to be better for them and to allow their amazing personalities to make me better. I cannot do that with this job.

So here I am. But, you know, life has a funny way of working out.