I Am Blessed...

It isn't very often I get the overwhelming feeling to cry just by looking at my children. Lately, despite my seemingly constant lack of patience with their behavior, I look at their sweet faces and I get all teary and sappy. If I didn't know I wasn't, I'd swear I'm pregnant. There is something incredibly humbling about looking into the eyes of your children. If you have kids, you understand what I mean, I'm sure. If you don't, I really don't even know how to describe it. I look at my babies and I know that no matter what I have done to fuck up my life thus far, that they are the three things I have done right. I will keep trying to do right by them. They are, of course, my true north.

This is Emma. My only girl. When she was born I thought she was going to be a sweet, mild mannered, little angel. She's stubborn, egotistical (as most 5yo are), full of piss and vinegar and has a response to or for EVERYTHING.  She's the perfect blend of her father and me. It's scary at times. She also is kind, cute, unbelievably observant. She loves to sing. And talk. And talk...and talk.

This is Ryan. He has freckles ALL OVER his face. They're very light in color, but they are so sweet and just BEG to be kissed. He loves cars, trucks, trailers, motorcycles...anything with an engine and wheels. Just like his dad. He loves to dance and will break into dance at random. He is easily frustrated. He is particular about how his cars and trucks get played with. He has a temper. We jokingly call him Hulk at times. But even when he's angry, I like him. He's sweet as apple pie and loves his family.

 This is Logan. He's my superhero. Being the mother of a superhero can be tough at times. He simply does not understand that his webs will not save him from everything. He is HILARIOUS. He never fails to crack me up. Look at that face??? Its wonderfully perfect. He is the baby of my three and even with just 12 months between he and Ryan, Logan is very much his own person and does not let being the baby keep him from being independent. He definitely has that 'spark' you hear people talk about.

That's them opening day 2009. Yes. We are Cubs fans. We like it that way. We're not changing it! That last picture is me when I am happiest-Sunday afternoons, watching football, grilling for my family. Sometimes life gets so overwhelming that I forget how blessed I really am. Look at their faces though!!! One look into those sweet eyes and my heart swells. I am blessed!

TWM...Recovery...Starting Over...

The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries. And it's not always successful. No matter how hard we work at it, some wounds might never fully heal. You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living. Things may have changed, too, radically to ever go back to what they were. You might not even recognize yourself. It's like you haven't recovered anything at all. You're a whole new person with a whole new life. -Meredith

It's just a fantasy...its not the real thing...

I wrote this post a few weeks ago. Its a recurring dream I have. When I wrote it, I had just awoken and it was all fresh in my head. I have been having this same dream for years now. I didn't post it then because...eh, I don't know why exactly, just that it didn't feel right. I probably only have this dream 2-3 times in a whole year. I decided to post this today because I had it again this morning. That's twice in just a few weeks. I don't know that any of that has any significance, but I do know this dream is exactly the same, down to the last detail, every time I have it. Do any of you have any recurring dreams? What do you think they mean?

I dreamed about you again last night. Well, maybe it wasn't a dream. You know that period of time between waking and sleeping? Where your body still hasn't moved and your mind is still in that place where you're not consciously controlling your thoughts? That's where I see you. Where I feel you. Where I know you have to exist somewhere because if you didn't, then why would I be feeling you there so vividly? Does that count as a dream?

So today you visited me, again. It was the same as always. I open my eyes in the morning. There is a soft glow coming from my bedside table light. You are still asleep, laying facing me, on your side. Your lips are slightly parted. Your breaths deep, even. Your right hand is tucked beneath your pillow, palm up. The covers are pulled up over your shoulder and tucked loosely between your chin and collar bone. I look at your face and can see the little lines around your eyes. Proof of years of laughter and smiles. The thin, fine lines on your forehead remind me your life has been one with little worry-they're not as deep and pronounced as the ones I bear. Your hair has turned mostly silvery white, the dark strands now sporadically pepper your scalp. I think to myself how incredibly handsome you are. I have the sudden, uncontrollable urge to reach out and touch your face, so I do. My thumb brushes against your lips and you stir and slowly open your eyes, blinking the sleep away. You look at me and smile.

I feel my body begin to come out of its slumber and I close my eyes tightly in hopes of keeping you there. I can almost feel you fade and when I open my eyes the place where I just saw you sleeping is empty. Cold. I remember you aren't real. Just someone I have spent years dreaming about. I know the features I see are vague. Generic. The you I see isn't the you that will one day be. As I roll over and look at the ceiling I ask that God send you to me when I am ready to recognize you as you. So I don't pass you by because I am too caught up in my own life. So that I don't miss my chance to finally have my dream become my reality.

Originally written October 2011

Gomez - "Little Pieces"

It seems a few of my last few posts are suddenly coming together in a weird way. First, I have said to many people that the years I was married I felt as if I have been losing little pieces of me and that it has left me with this gaping void where I think my soul is suppose to be shining. Then I came across the "Pieces" quote I used for the #TWM post. Then I posted the lyrics to "See The World" by Gomez. I started watching some of their videos today and came across a song called, "Little Pieces" and once again, it is EXACTLY what I have been saying about my marriage for years. When God makes a point to me, he really, really has to drill it in.
Here is the video. Enjoy!

And so then there was this one time I saw this one band with that one cousin and she was all oh they're awesome and I was all oh I have no idea who they are and then I came across this thing a friend posted on the facebook a year ago today and I clicked on it to see more because it seemed like the thing to do and then I googled the thing cuz I liked what I saw and didn't know what it as and then I found this and then I cried and then I said duh thats all you ever wanted you sissy twat grow a pair and then I decided to blog it so here...

 Seriously, John? Seriously. This is the kind of signs God gives me. He knows it hits me in the side of the mother effin head like a Louisville.

See The World

Gomez

Day to day
Where do you want to be?
  'Cuz now you're trying to pick a fight
With everyone you need

You seem like a soldier
Who's lost his composure
You're wounded and playing a waiting game
In no-man's land no-one's to blame

See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want

Empty handed, surrounded by a senseless scene
With nothing of significance
Besides a shadow of a dream
You sound like an old joke

You're worn-out, a bit broke
An' askin me time and time again
When the answer's still the same

See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want

You've got a chance to put things right
So how's it going to be?
Lay down your arms now
And put us beyond doubt
So reach out it's not too far away
Don't mess around now, don't delay

See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you want

The things that you want
Are given not won
The things that you want
Are given not won

#TWM...Pieces...

He took something from me. He took little pieces of me, little pieces over time, so small I didn't even notice, you know? He wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I made myself into what he wanted. One day I was me Cristina Yang, and then suddenly I was lying for him, and jeopardizing my career, and agreeing to be married and wearing a ring, and being a bride. Until I was standing there in a wedding dress with no eyebrows, and I wasn't Cristina Yang anymore. And even then, I would've married him. I would have. I lost myself for a long time. And now that I'm finally me again, I can't. I love you. I love you more than I loved Burke. I love you. And that scares the crap out of me because when you asked me to ignore Teddy's page, you took a piece of me, and I let you. And that will never happen again. -Cristina

What Freaking Bike?...

Learning who you are after marriage is NOT like riding a bike. This has become so abundantly apparent in the last week. Holding onto your morals and values when you're hurting inside and in need of some sort of fulfillment- emotional, physical or my personal favorite which I so lovingly call, "Eat-'Til-I-Hate-Myself", is a difficult thing. I thought I knew who I was. What I wanted. Who I wanted to become. I hate that a huge part of me is no longer certain. Then again, I am beginning to believe that I have never really been certain.

I got married very young. Everyone around me told me this. I think for some people that may be ok. To get married young, that is. I think for some people those marriages last. In my case, I think I needed time to become more familiar with who I am, what I believe in and where I wanted my life to go. My husband is not a bad man. He can be very kind. He is a good father to our children. There was a time he was a good man to me and I trusted him more than I trusted anyone. I never felt like things were right, exactly, with us but I was alright with that for a long time.

I talked with a friend tonight that is on his second marriage. His first one ended when he was 22. Short, sweet and while he explained his sadness for the marriage failing, he understood it was over and said it ended without too much drama. He agreed that marrying before you know who you are is a bad idea. One needs time to get to know the person they are. Make a choice on who they want to be. Decide what they want in their life before they can even possibly attempt to put forth the effort, respect, compromise and understanding required to try and make a marriage work. I know this now. I wish I had realized before. Now this isn't saying that I think people don't change. They certainly do. I don't know anyone that is the same person they were 10 years ago. I don't know anyone now that will be the same in 10 years. I just think that one needs to commit to a good foundation before being capable of committing to a lifetime with another person.

I think once a marriage fails, despite the reasons or whether or not you were the one facilitating the demise of it, everyone must go through a period of grief and recovery. I think like grieving over the death of a loved one, each person will go through this experience differently. Recovery takes time. It may mean working out excessively. It may be binge eating. It may be quilting until your fingers bleed. Anything to regain the sense of control you once had, were always lacking or always wanted. But it is definitely a process to heal, recover and eventually move on as a stronger, better, more whole person. There is not a time frame for this process to occur in. I don't believe in judging anyone while trying to work through their process either.

Someday I think you are able to forgive the person that has hurt you. I hope so anyway. I can remember a time when my husband was someone I loved. While that love has long since expired, I pray peace will one day be possible between us. Just for the kids, even.I am trying very hard to bite my tongue when he says things to me that would reduce most women to tears. Not that his remarks haven't gotten to me, its just that I have learned to let them go. I know better who I am than he does. I know I am relearning who I am and as is with any learning process, to actually learn, one must make mistakes, fail and rise above.

So to him: judge me, call me names, tear me apart and try your damnedest to break me down. I have spent 10 years letting you take away the little pieces that made me, ME. It will take me a while to relearn the things I stand for. To become the woman I always dreamed I was. What you think of me and my way of learning is none of MY business. By talking to me the way you do, you are insulting our children. They are part of me and they are good kids with strong, stubborn streaks and smart mouths. Some of those things they get from both of us. They are also kind, thoughtful and caring. ALL traits instilled by me.

You know the saying, "You never know what you had until its gone"? Well, its absolutely true. I never knew independence, self worth and a sense of identity were so important until I lost every bit of it in a marriage where I was convinced my thoughts, dreams, wants, desires, feelings and sense of worth didn't matter.

And while I said things never seemed exactly "alright", I'm telling you, there were things I never saw coming.

Thursdays With Meredith...Dreams...

"Maybe we accept the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that reality is better. We convince ourselves it's better that we never dream at all. But, the strongest of us, the most determined of us, holds on to the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We wake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And, if we're lucky, we realize in the face of everything, in the face of life the true dream is being able to dream at all." -Meredith


I know, I know. Last week was fantasy. This week is dream. Redundant in more ways than one. I have more to say about this little-beauty-of-a-Grey's quote, but I think for now I had best let my thoughts settle a bit. Really, though, the few above sentences sum up whats been on my mind pretty well anyway. As if that is somehow surprising.

Foodcation...

So I stole the title of this post from The Blue Zoo because I like it sooooo much! This last weekend I took a Foodcation. Basically a Foodcation is a vacation where you eat and eat and eat, don't count calories and while I had every intention to run throughout my Foodcation, I did not. Here's the silly part-well there are a few very silly parts, but here is one- remember my post I'd Die For Food ? The comment I received was from JMK, 'member her? The wonderful wife of John, whose four member family was basically my second family and home growing up? Anyway-I took my Foodcation to St. Louis to visit her and John. And boy oh boy DID. WE. EAT. We put those competitive eating freaks to shame. It was awesome. Except today when I got on my scale and it read 10lbs higher than it did Friday before I left. 10. Pounds. Higher. EW.

Anyway, by this coming Friday I am thinking that number will be back to normal so I am not going to obsess about it (yeah right. You know me. I'll weigh myself 4 times a day and run doubles all week...sigh). What could have possibly made me add the weight a large infant to my physique? Hmmmm...where to start. Well, on the 6 hour drive down there I stopped for Subway. I ordered my normal veggie on flatbread...and then I grabbed a bag of Cheetos AND a...Oh-hush-my-foul-mouth...POP. Then I got to St. Louis. We started with chips and dip. Then we had burgers. After burgers they took me for froyo (no red velvet, but I still loaded it with all kinds of crap).

Saturday morning, in addition to about 4 cups of Kahlua flavored coffee, Joanie made french toast and bacon. The THICK french toast. And I drank OJ. I was so stuffed. After that Joanie and I went shopping in downtown St. Charles which is this historic little town that sits on the Missouri River. There are a ton of cute little shops, including this AWESOME olive oil and balsamic vinegar shop that, well, I can't even describe it because you'd just have to see it. There are about 30 different jug-like-vats that are full of different flavored oils and vinegars. Crazy flavors. Like truffle, lemon, Tuscan, chocolate, vanilla, raspberry, mint...the list goes on! We spent quite a while in there tasting different oils and vinegars. It was by far one of the coolest places I have ever visited.

We wandered into an Irish store at one point and I saw this coffee mug I fell in love with immediately. I was thrilled to discover Joanie secretly purchased it for me and later surprised me with it once we returned home.

Isn't it great?! After living away from home since I was 18 and moving myself and my kiddos back into the house I grew up in, I find this more than appropriate! I just love it and have used it every day since she bought it for me. AND it holds almost half a pot of coffee at once!!!

We also were in this shop that upon entering appears to be a bakery/coffee shop. Joanie led me through the place, winding through a very narrow hallway and two rooms before entering a room at the back of the building that was full, from floor to ceiling, wall to wall, of bottles of HOT SAUCE!!! I think my jaw literally dropped. It was so cool. There were HUNDREDS of them; I swear! And of course they all had awesome names. We perused this place for quite a while laughing (at times loudly) at the names of some of the sauces. I eventually settled on two different kinds, 'Screamin' Sphincter' and 'Hot As Shit Hot Sauce'. We left there and went to this cute little outdoor patio restaurant where we shared a plate of nachos that were piled with all kinds of delicious toppings. Joanie LOVED the thick sliced jalapenos (hehehe). For dinner we made beer can chicken (with butter boobies), had a salad of fresh mozza, basil and romas (which Joanie drizzled with some of the flavored balsamic from that awesome little store) and baked sweet potatoes that were each the size of a freaking football. Then we watched movies.

Sunday was my last day there and for breakfast we had omelets. YUM. I don't even think we had lunch, just snacked...on homemade guac and chips!!! We then spent all day deciding on a dinner. We planned to make big-ass pork chops, red potatoes with butter and fresh minced parsley, a GRILLED salad (uh-huh, I said grilled and salad) and a blueberry goat cheese pie that sounded truly sinful. We made an epic grocery list that included all ingredients necessary for the above recipes but also had Twizzlers, ice cream and crackers (because SOMEHOW 2 sleeves of crackers disappeared. I have NO idea how that happened. I think the Puglies had something to do with it). Then we're getting ready to go to the store and decide we'd rather just watch football and go into a vegetative food-coma. So we ordered in Mexican and watched football on the 51" flat panel-OUTSIDE!!! Yep. While Joanie and I cut up veggies and mixed up the guac, John disconnected the TV and hooked it up outside on the patio. It was freaking great. Really, really great. We watched the Cards lose to the Brewers (YAY!) and then moved the TV back inside where we watched a movie, the Packers game and just relaxed. It was exactly what I needed.

OH!!! And I cannot forget to tell you all about the two trips Joanie and I made to the grocery store this last weekend. Yes. Two trips because apparently in St. Louis you shop one days worth at a time. Or maybe that is just a John and Joanie thing ;-) Anyway, the first time we went to the store and were wandering around aimlessly, chatting and deciding what other unhealthy item we HAD to buy, the store manager stopped us with a, "How YOU doin'?" and very obviously (though I wasn't watching, Joanie said it was a little gross how obvious) looked us up and down...TWICE. Then the second time we went into the store, on Sunday, I was wearing my Cutler jeresy, Joanie was in a Bears shirt, too, and some balding dude started chatting us up in the checkout line regarding the Cardinals and Rams. He looked in our cart, full of junk food, and truly sounded like he wanted an invite to our afternoon food party. It was quite hilarious. I won't even tell you about meeting their new (tattooed!) neighbor...

I had such a truly awesome time. I was able to relax. Visit with people I love. While I can't say I have a fully restored soul, I can tell you it is really the first time I have felt at ease in a while. I can't wait to visit again. I think next time I would like to bring the kids with and see the city. I hear there is a lot to see and do in St. Louis...

Thursdays With Meredith...Fantasies...

I wrote a post yesterday titled, "It's Just A Fantasy..." that I haven't yet published because, well because of a lot of reasons. Anyway, when I was perusing Grey's quotes for today's post and came across this one, it just felt right. 

"The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good, and twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad, and no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something, and there's only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomach ache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams." -Meredith

Moving Forward...

I never thought that any of this divorce stuff would be easy on my kids. I knew there would be many challenges. While I watch them, my youngest and oldest are doing quite well. They use their words, even at the tender ages of 3 and 5, to express their feelings about all the changes taking place in their lives. My 4 year old is having the toughest time and my heart aches every time I look at him. He gets VERY frustrated, out of nowhere, over nothing. He tells me he wants to go home, not live at Grandma's house, he is cold, cranky or tired. These are the words he uses to tell me, "Mom, this effing sucks and I don't like the way life is right now!!!". I know this. He IS learning, after a very emotional talk he and I had, to hug me when he is upset or angry instead of lashing out. I am amazed at the way he is so quickly embracing this way of dealing with his emotions. That said, his outbursts and tantrums are still a daily struggle.

Last year Ryan started preschool in January at the same school as Emma (which happens to be part of the church I attend regularly). He LOVED it. He especially took to the teachers aid, Mrs. Ransom.  The school and church are an HOUR from the house we lived in and I drove them there 3x a week because they were so incredibly happy there. Since it was preschool there weren't any boundaries as to where they could attend so it wasn't a problem. This year; however, with Emma starting kindergarten at the school near our home, I had to find a new preschool for Ryan. I decided on a school run out of the Methodist church my kids attended VBS at this past summer. I loved the teachers, the fact that they said the Pledge of Allegiance every morning and that they had a bunny rabbit as a classroom pet (I have a thing for cute little bunnies). School started the day after Ryan's 4th birthday. He HATED it. HATED it. Cried-like, the kind of cries that shook his entire body. SOBS. He clung to me, pulled on my clothes and didn't want me to leave. This was a very new experience for me. My kids had NEVER behaved like this. EVER.  Of course after the teacher pulled him off of me and got him calm and distracted with some awesome toy, he was fine and had a great time...until the next day of school where we started the whole process over again. It killed me.

So, with him having so many difficulties with the divorce, starting a new school, etc, I was extremely nervous about moving my family in with my mom. This required pulling him out of school and starting again somewhere else. The good thing is, moving in with my mom put us just 10 minutes away from the school he loved and attended last year! YAY!

I just got back from dropping him off for his first day back there. Even though he loved it and was going to have Mrs. Ransom as a teachers aid again, he was still telling me he didn't want to go. And I was a nervous wreck. I am so, so, SO happy to report that when I dropped him off today, he spotted Mrs. Ransom, ran past the new teacher, wrapped his arms around her neck and didn't even look back to say good-bye to me. I left in tears, but because I am so relieved that he FINALLY has something happening in his little life that makes his heart happy. I can't wait to pick him up and see how much fun he had today!

This is a happy day for me! One, maybe minor, success in this whole process!!!

My First Blog Hop...

So there is this really fantastic chic that writes over at The Blue Zoo . I met her through Twitter. I have met some pretty cool people through Twitter and @TheBlueZoo is one of them. She and I tweet all day about dieting, food we shouldn't be eating (like Sugar Free RedBull and turkey dogs), things we should be doing (like a 5 mile run or an hour on the elliptical), and things we cannot live without (like coffee and corny M&Ms...). So when she emailed me asking me to write a guest post on Blog Hop Monday for the Friends You Love event I was so super excited!!! And then I sat down to write and thought, "What the hell did I agree to!?" I SUCK at writing and she has A LOT of followers!!! Like, A LOT!

Plus, what the hell do I know about friendship? My husband has had the same circle of friends since about kindergarten. They had become my "friends" but now...not so much! Then I thought about someone I HAVE known my whole life. In fact, I wouldn't have even had the opportunity to meet Steph at The Blue Zoo and write on her blog if it weren't for my cousin, Kristin at Only Parent Chronicles , who made me my Twitter account under the name she refers to me as on her blog, Fave Cousin. It just so happens that she also IS my best friend (one of 2 actually, both named Kristin...weeeeeeiiiirrrrd). Anyway, now I had someone to write about!!!

So, go read my post, explore Life In A Blue Zoo, hop over to OPC to say Hi! to Kristin and spend some time today thinking about the friends you love!