So I had some time off work recently (by time I mean a day or two when TSMA wasn't talking to me, I worked nights, and the kids were with their dad) and I cleaned my house. I mean CLEANED. It was fucking spotless. I washed all the floors, bleached all the toilets and food contact surfaces (which being the mother of 2 boys and a very tom-boyish girl, sometimes includes the toilets). I washed, dried and FOLDED all the fucking laundry. I found clothes I didn't realize I still owned. I found underwear that I'm pretty sure got stashed and hidden for the shit stains, shoved under beds (no, they were not mine, I think they belonged to the 5 year old that still can't wipe his own ass). Anyway, I did all this in about 6 hours before work one day. Then I came home, had 18 hours off and have worked 7am-5pm every day since.
My point is, my house, in all that time I haven't been home, is a mother fucking shithole. I found a God damned chicken wing, A PIECE OF POULTRY, in my kid's bed today. I washed those sheets a week ago and we haven't eaten chicken wings in months. WHERE THE FUCK DID IT COME FROM??? Did it stick to my North Face while running the line check at work and I failed to notice it for something like 9 hours before I got home? And if it was stuck to me, did none of the shit bricks I work with feel it necessary to let me know??? I mean, seriously, some of those assholes walk in back with a third pan of fucking ranch dressing down their aprons and legs and they can't tell ME, their boss, that I have a God damned appendage of a fucking bird stuck to my boob or ass or muffin top??? Jesus fucking Christ.
Oh and it gets better. I walked into my bathroom tonight to turn on my tub, praying the whole 23 steps there that I would have hot water (my water temperature regulator thingy isn't working properly) and I sat my cell phone on my bathroom counter and I pulled my hand back in actual DISGUST because the counter was so caked in toothpaste and apparently all the fucking hair I lose daily, that I didn't want to set it down (keep in mind, I've dropped my phone in a toilet mid sentence while pissing and reached in and picked it up and continues my conversation-OKAY, this only happened once and yes, there was A LOT of liquor involved). ANYWAY, what the fuck??? I basically detailed this bathroom a week ago. And I am the only one that uses it. When the Hell did I start going bald? I mean, There is A LOT of hair on my head, but based on the amount accumulated on my counter after a week, you'd think Chewbacca was shaved bald in my fucking sink.
Then I walked out of there, toothbrush in hand, planning to spit in the snow drifts outside and wash my mouth out with (what I'm sure would be yellow) snow, I stumbled over piles of dirty laundry in my bedroom. I LITERALLY washed every single piece of clothing not on a hanger or in a drawer this last week. So tell me why I am getting my feet caught in the sleeves of shirts and leg holes of underwear STREWN across my bedroom right now?
I crawled into bed, just after all this, thinking I would deal with it all whenever I get a day off, and as I straightened out my sheets my foot got caught on something that wouldn't free me and I couldn't move my leg more than 6 inches or so and it threw me into a complete panic. As I kicked and writhed against the stupid ass monster that was clearly trying to take my life, I thought about what it could be. Was I going to miss my kids' growing up because a Sasquatch was about to devour me? Was it because one of my turd faced kids became a zombie and is about to start knawing at my flesh? I reach towards my leg, still kicking violently, when I realize The Beast Below is a pair of fucking underwear TSMA slid off of me like, a decade ago, in, you know...the MOMENT or whatever. But shit, Martha! I've washed my sheets since then! Many times!
Where in the Hell are all these chicken wing, love panty, Yeti hair, bombs of filth coming from???
Anyway, my name is Kate and I handle your food. In a much more sanitary environment than this, so explain to me what the actual FUCK happens in my house when I'm not here.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
Life is Stupid Sometimes...
I've hit that weird place recently where I sometimes fall and cannot get myself out of (yes, I heard the old lady with the Life Alert thingy when I wrote that, too). I am currently sitting in bed and until I grabbed my laptop was staring blankly at the television which I had the Disney movie Brave playing one. Yes, I am at home, alone, in bed watching children's movies...or...staring at them blankly. Anyway, I've had a lot of...just...shit happening lately. Between work and home, it has become overwhelming. I sat and brainstormed ways I could off myself this last weekend in a way that wouldn't permanently damage my kids. The biggest pulling factor to stay alive was knowing they'd end up in full custody of my ex-husband and with the irrational choices he's been making lately, it was just too terrifying to actually go through with the crashing my car into a brick wall, or whatever other crazy ideas that crossed my mind. Then I sat and thought about ways in which I could have myself committed for something other than being a nut job, because I'm not actually bat shit crazy, I just...I'm exhausted. With everything. With life. With not knowing where my life is going. With trying to work and be a mom my kids can be proud to call so, and a daughter and an ex wife that isn't a total and utter cunt, and being a girlfriend that doesn't get terrified of all these things and then act like a passive aggressive nasty little woman even she doesn't recognize.
I don't know how to get all these things in place and lately I feel like I don't have control over any of them. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know if I even like my job, the job I so loved a year ago. I can't define the type of mom I want to be in terms specific enough for my own satisfaction. I have this idea of how I want to influence my kids and who I want to be for them, but I cannot find a way to do this for them and it MAKES. ME. CRAZY. They are only so moldable and influenced for so long before they see us as sad, old, stupid adults. I cannot lose these precious years I have with them that are quickly coming to an end.
I sadly don't care what kind of daughter or sister I am anymore because that whole...situation...infuriates me...beyond anything I could ever describe. I keep trying, so hard, to be the ex spouse I want to have as my own...but as it was in our marriage, he remains exactly the same selfish, thoughtless prick he always was and believes, somehow, the fact that he's now found another (very kind) woman to take the responsibilities he had to pick up when I left him...I can't even talk about it because the level of selfishness and stupidity he has risen to the last few weeks makes me ill.
Finally, the way TSMA and I communicate sometimes is just...it's stupid. We each have these lives we're trying to live and trying to incorporate the other into when we can and that leads us to spend time apart and when we're apart, he gets distant and I get in my head. Then I try to express my feelings without being a twat and they never come out the way I want and he gets defensive and analyzes and...it's just not good. Fortunately it doesn't happen all that frequently, but its frequent enough for me that I want to find a way for us to do this part of our relationship better. There's not a reason we can't. It's weirdly our only fault as far as coupledom goes. (Yep. We're just that awesome.)
So, I am just over life right now, as it is. It can change, it can not. I must have said the serenity prayer 123,453 times in the last week. Serenity, courage and wisdom. Yet, I still can't find a way to accept anything for what it is, I don't know how to change it and I feel like a big, dumb, fuck for that.
Oh yeah...and remember it's now winter in Chicagoland. We all know what a ray of fucking sunshine that makes me.
I don't know how to get all these things in place and lately I feel like I don't have control over any of them. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know if I even like my job, the job I so loved a year ago. I can't define the type of mom I want to be in terms specific enough for my own satisfaction. I have this idea of how I want to influence my kids and who I want to be for them, but I cannot find a way to do this for them and it MAKES. ME. CRAZY. They are only so moldable and influenced for so long before they see us as sad, old, stupid adults. I cannot lose these precious years I have with them that are quickly coming to an end.
I sadly don't care what kind of daughter or sister I am anymore because that whole...situation...infuriates me...beyond anything I could ever describe. I keep trying, so hard, to be the ex spouse I want to have as my own...but as it was in our marriage, he remains exactly the same selfish, thoughtless prick he always was and believes, somehow, the fact that he's now found another (very kind) woman to take the responsibilities he had to pick up when I left him...I can't even talk about it because the level of selfishness and stupidity he has risen to the last few weeks makes me ill.
Finally, the way TSMA and I communicate sometimes is just...it's stupid. We each have these lives we're trying to live and trying to incorporate the other into when we can and that leads us to spend time apart and when we're apart, he gets distant and I get in my head. Then I try to express my feelings without being a twat and they never come out the way I want and he gets defensive and analyzes and...it's just not good. Fortunately it doesn't happen all that frequently, but its frequent enough for me that I want to find a way for us to do this part of our relationship better. There's not a reason we can't. It's weirdly our only fault as far as coupledom goes. (Yep. We're just that awesome.)
So, I am just over life right now, as it is. It can change, it can not. I must have said the serenity prayer 123,453 times in the last week. Serenity, courage and wisdom. Yet, I still can't find a way to accept anything for what it is, I don't know how to change it and I feel like a big, dumb, fuck for that.
Oh yeah...and remember it's now winter in Chicagoland. We all know what a ray of fucking sunshine that makes me.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Soooo, I had a really good night. Best I've had in a while...
I started writing this really detailed blog post that was rambly and full of all kinds of detail of the night I had tonight...and then I stopped because it occurred to me that there was really only one person I wanted to tell it all to, one person I know would laugh at my descriptive nature and refer his mind back to other stories I've told him...so then I decided I really didn't want to share any of that with you guys. I kinda just want to crawl in bed and tell him. And as soon as he is in my bed again, I will.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
#TWM...
"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives...trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we step up." -Alex Karev
Sunday, November 3, 2013
So, it is what it is, I suppose...
I love my job and I am thinking I am going to love the store in which I am now working. One thing I hate about my job is the hours. They're long and irregular. It's nearly 2am, I've only been home an hour and a half, and I am in bed eating oyster crackers, slices of cheese, drinking a beer and watching Grey's reruns in bed. I would give ANYTHING for my kids to be in their beds, home with me, safe and warm instead of at their dad's...for the-man-I-so-adore to be snoring next to me and me asleep next to him and not to have to be up early tomorrow morning. I pray some day I find a job I can do as well as this one and love as much as this one that will allow me to have those things I so crave, every night.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
#TWM
So...I recently started re-watching all seasons of Grey's available on Netfix. It will forever be my favorite show. Not because of the stories, (which have quickly gained an absolutely ridiculous standing), but because of the narratives that bring it all home and together and always, always, always strike a fabulous chord with me. And somehow, the episodes I watch at the times they happen to be seen, fall into whatever place I am stuck in my head and make me feel at peace with being me. So, despite the abhorrence some of you may have for my favorite show, I give you, in no particular order, some of my most favorite Meredith quotes (and others). Enjoy. I hope they bring you some of the solace they so often give me.
Cristina: There's a club, the dead dad's club and you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize, you can try to feel that loss...my dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club.
George: I...I, I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't.
Cristina: Yeah, that never really changes.
"At some point maybe we accept that the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that the reality is better. We convince ourselves its better that we never dream at all, but the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold on to the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And if we're lucky we realize, in the face of everything, in the face of life, our true dream is being able to dream at all. -Meredith"
"At the end of the day when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about it each other?...its usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to. And once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by, no matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure sometimes close can be too close, but sometimes that invasion of personal space? It can be exactly what you need." -Meredith
"It can be scary to find out you've been wrong about something. But we can't be afraid to change our minds, to accept that things are different...that they'll never be the same-for better or for worse. We have to be willing to give up what we use to believe. The more we're willing to accept what is and not what we thought...we'll find ourselves exactly where we belong." -Meredith
"It might be hard for a surgeon to admit, but there's no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are and let the world see you that way, too. A little self awareness never hurt anybody. Because when you know who you are its easier to know what you're about and ultimately, what you really need." -Meredith
When we follow our hearts, when we choose not to settle, it's funny isn't it?...a weight lifts, the sun shines a little brighter...and for a brief moment at least, we find a little peace. -Meredith
It's one of those things that people say, you can't move on until you let go of the past. Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes we fight it, try and keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let go. Move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow." -Meredith
"Actually finding out that you've been looking at things wrong all along can be sort of liberating and suddenly you see new potential...new possibilities, where you'd never seen them before and that's all fine when a hopeless situation suddenly looks good. Unfortunately, sometimes it goes the other way. -Meredith"
"Actually finding out that you've been looking at things wrong all along can be sort of liberating and suddenly you see new potential...new possibilities, where you'd never seen them before and that's all fine when a hopeless situation suddenly looks good. Unfortunately, sometimes it goes the other way. -Meredith"
Cristina: There's a club, the dead dad's club and you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize, you can try to feel that loss...my dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club.
George: I...I, I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't.
Cristina: Yeah, that never really changes.
"At some point maybe we accept that the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that the reality is better. We convince ourselves its better that we never dream at all, but the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold on to the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And if we're lucky we realize, in the face of everything, in the face of life, our true dream is being able to dream at all. -Meredith"
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Shit my kids have said/done...
The first installment...
I just farted and it burned, Mom. Like, REALLY. BURNED. -Emma
(While watching X-Men 3) Momma, this is the best love story I've ever seen. Wolverine loves her so much, he kills her! -Logan
Mom, when I get older I am going to drive a semi. And I'll let you ride next to me, but you'd better not touch my radio. -Ryan
Mom, I love you more than my birthday toys. I love you more than anything. -Logan
Mom? I wish my ears were detachable. That way, I wouldn't have to listen to screaming kids. I'd be like, "ACTIVATE EARS!!!" -Emma
CODE RED! CODE RED! Yugoslavia has entered the building. Please remain silent! -Emma
Ryan: Mom, who is your favorite super hero?
Me:Ummmm...I don't think I can make it just one, but I would chose Batman, Wolverine and Ironman...who are yours?
R: Bullseye, Daredevil, Wolverine, Professor X and The Joker.
figures he leads and ends with the bad guy...
I made beef stroganoff for dinner tonight and put peas in it because by some weird twist in the universe, my daughter loves and will eat by the bowl, peas. I can't stand the things and there are only about 5 things in the world I have tried and didn't like (NO DICK JOKES). Anyway, after she finished her dinner I promised a scoop of ice cream for dessert. As she was walking out of the kitchen, ice cream in hand, she stopped at the leftover bowl of peas on the counter, grabbed the giant serving spoon, looked at me and said, "I just need one more bite of this deliciousness before I have to eat this ice cream." What kind of freak did I birth???
Logan: Mom, the speed limit is 90.
Me: No, Logan, that BLUE sign is the name of the highway. The WHITE sign is the speed limit.
Logan: I was looking at your speedometer, MOM. IT says you're going 90.
Me:...ummmm...well played, Son. Well played.
One of the 3 mongrels: Mom, what did the orange say to the banana?
Me: I don't know what?
Whichever Mongrel was speaking: PEEL!
Me: That isn't even funny! And it doesn't make sense.
Mongrel: Your face is funny, though and it makes me laugh.
Me: Awesome.
I just farted and it burned, Mom. Like, REALLY. BURNED. -Emma
(While watching X-Men 3) Momma, this is the best love story I've ever seen. Wolverine loves her so much, he kills her! -Logan
Mom, when I get older I am going to drive a semi. And I'll let you ride next to me, but you'd better not touch my radio. -Ryan
Mom, I love you more than my birthday toys. I love you more than anything. -Logan
Mom? I wish my ears were detachable. That way, I wouldn't have to listen to screaming kids. I'd be like, "ACTIVATE EARS!!!" -Emma
CODE RED! CODE RED! Yugoslavia has entered the building. Please remain silent! -Emma
Ryan: Mom, who is your favorite super hero?
Me:Ummmm...I don't think I can make it just one, but I would chose Batman, Wolverine and Ironman...who are yours?
R: Bullseye, Daredevil, Wolverine, Professor X and The Joker.
figures he leads and ends with the bad guy...
I made beef stroganoff for dinner tonight and put peas in it because by some weird twist in the universe, my daughter loves and will eat by the bowl, peas. I can't stand the things and there are only about 5 things in the world I have tried and didn't like (NO DICK JOKES). Anyway, after she finished her dinner I promised a scoop of ice cream for dessert. As she was walking out of the kitchen, ice cream in hand, she stopped at the leftover bowl of peas on the counter, grabbed the giant serving spoon, looked at me and said, "I just need one more bite of this deliciousness before I have to eat this ice cream." What kind of freak did I birth???
Logan: Mom, the speed limit is 90.
Me: No, Logan, that BLUE sign is the name of the highway. The WHITE sign is the speed limit.
Logan: I was looking at your speedometer, MOM. IT says you're going 90.
Me:...ummmm...well played, Son. Well played.
One of the 3 mongrels: Mom, what did the orange say to the banana?
Me: I don't know what?
Whichever Mongrel was speaking: PEEL!
Me: That isn't even funny! And it doesn't make sense.
Mongrel: Your face is funny, though and it makes me laugh.
Me: Awesome.
Monday, October 14, 2013
So The Restlessness Is Gone...
I realized something a couple of months ago that I, for whatever reason, have tried to ignore. I don't know if it's because I'm...afraid...of what it might mean or if its because I thought it was too good to be true or if it was because I was hoping I was wrong. Either way, what I know after the last couple of months of thinking this and waiting to see if it disappeared, or if I was wrong, is that...well...I wasn't.
I can remember, from the time I was very young, always having this feeling in the deepest parts of my soul that I was unsatisfied with life. The only way I have ever really been able to describe it is as a 'restlessness'. There was always something I felt in my heart that was just...off. I felt it with my ex-husband for...most of our relationship, really. I felt it with the man I dated after him, and I always shared that with him. I've felt it whenever I have been alone. Something was always just...off.
What I realized in the last couple of months is that the restless feeling that has always been so present in my heart and so persistent in influencing my thoughts, has disappeared. I didn't even know it had happened until it just...occurred to me that I hadn't felt that way in a really long time.
I think I know why all those demons I always felt right below the surface have left. I think that's why it scares me so much. I thought that someday I would find someone and once I did those feelings would disappear. I've had men in my life tell me that would never change; that there wasn't anyone on this planet that could affect me enough and dig a place deep enough in my heart for me to emotionally, mentally and physically be okay with who I am and how I feel. That no matter what, I was destined to be 'restless, unloved and unhappy'. Sadly, I believed that was true.
I am afraid to divulge too much about how all of this makes me feel because in all honesty, it scares the shit out of me and also because I feel like if I blink or believe, it will all disappear. I'm still afraid to put myself out there; to become vulnerable. I still believe in 'guarding my heart because all life flows through it'. I still believe people can turn out to be everything you never thought they would and can throw the love you felt so deeply away and never even pause to think about the way in which they've hurt you.
So, I don't know...I am still processing all of this over the months I've felt it, but...I know something big has changed in the deepest parts of who I have always been...a good change. I just hope its here to stay. I guess maybe that's how it happens, though. I think these things come at a time when you really never thought they would, a time when you weren't prepared, weren't looking and were set on just living your life in a constant state of disappointment and settling for less than you wanted. And then one day someone walks in and sits down at the bar and your world...shifts...into a place that is exactly what you always hoped it would be.
I'm afraid to even click the 'publish' link and make all these thoughts known to the very small population that reads my blog. Somehow doing that is like saying something and then having to knock on wood after doing so. But I guess that's the risk we take with any matter of the heart. No matter the walls we build and the ways we try to reinforce them, someone, at some point in time, will knock them down and leave you breathless. This isn't always a bad thing.
I can remember, from the time I was very young, always having this feeling in the deepest parts of my soul that I was unsatisfied with life. The only way I have ever really been able to describe it is as a 'restlessness'. There was always something I felt in my heart that was just...off. I felt it with my ex-husband for...most of our relationship, really. I felt it with the man I dated after him, and I always shared that with him. I've felt it whenever I have been alone. Something was always just...off.
What I realized in the last couple of months is that the restless feeling that has always been so present in my heart and so persistent in influencing my thoughts, has disappeared. I didn't even know it had happened until it just...occurred to me that I hadn't felt that way in a really long time.
I think I know why all those demons I always felt right below the surface have left. I think that's why it scares me so much. I thought that someday I would find someone and once I did those feelings would disappear. I've had men in my life tell me that would never change; that there wasn't anyone on this planet that could affect me enough and dig a place deep enough in my heart for me to emotionally, mentally and physically be okay with who I am and how I feel. That no matter what, I was destined to be 'restless, unloved and unhappy'. Sadly, I believed that was true.
I am afraid to divulge too much about how all of this makes me feel because in all honesty, it scares the shit out of me and also because I feel like if I blink or believe, it will all disappear. I'm still afraid to put myself out there; to become vulnerable. I still believe in 'guarding my heart because all life flows through it'. I still believe people can turn out to be everything you never thought they would and can throw the love you felt so deeply away and never even pause to think about the way in which they've hurt you.
So, I don't know...I am still processing all of this over the months I've felt it, but...I know something big has changed in the deepest parts of who I have always been...a good change. I just hope its here to stay. I guess maybe that's how it happens, though. I think these things come at a time when you really never thought they would, a time when you weren't prepared, weren't looking and were set on just living your life in a constant state of disappointment and settling for less than you wanted. And then one day someone walks in and sits down at the bar and your world...shifts...into a place that is exactly what you always hoped it would be.
I'm afraid to even click the 'publish' link and make all these thoughts known to the very small population that reads my blog. Somehow doing that is like saying something and then having to knock on wood after doing so. But I guess that's the risk we take with any matter of the heart. No matter the walls we build and the ways we try to reinforce them, someone, at some point in time, will knock them down and leave you breathless. This isn't always a bad thing.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Sooooo...This Is Another Post Lacking Direction Where I Think I Maybe Said Something Mildly Intriguing And Possibly Profound...
Soooooo...I had a pretty terrible day today. I won't go into the details as to why it was so terrible, but I will tell you it started out gross and disgusting and required laundry to be done that I didn't have time for, what with 3 kids to get to school and a job to be at. And then it didn't get much better. And I cried, from a very real place, not that this-sucks-and-I-didn't-get-my-way kind of cry, but the real kind that sort of rocks you, exhausts you and then leaves you barely breathing kind of cry. And then after a 10 hour shift at work, I had to drive another 20 minutes for a hair appointment I was more than due for. The whole way there I didn't want to go. I was thinking about the laundry and the kids I wasn't going to see when I got home and the way our lives are going to change in the next few months.
I knew TSMA was going to come over and wait for me to get home tonight, because he's awesome like that and we really don't ask a whole lot out of each other. We really do spend every available moment together, which more times than not is spent with his or my children because we are both parents and both our lives revolve around that and the people they are becoming.
So I asked him last night if he would please be here when I got home tonight, at my house, because I knew this appointment would run late and I know we both have early mornings. But I gave him a key recently in hopes he would utilize it on nights like this. I also asked him something very uncharacteristic of our relationship and that was to take the laundry from my washing machine that I needed, so desperately needed in order to crawl in bed tonight, and put it in the dryer because between 5:30am when I woke up and 10pm when I finally returned home, I simply didn't have time to do it.
After coming in the door tonight after such a horrible day (I cried, a lot today, at work no less) and finding him burrowed in my couch watching a movie, I walked in and plopped my ass straight on his lap. I laid there for a few minutes before moving and neither of us spoke. After I extricated myself from the comfort of his embrace and tiredly pulled on my sweats and returned to my nook in his lap he spoke. He told me he knew my day had been horrible and he wasn't downplaying that, but for as horrible as mine had been, his equaled it. So I listened to him tell me the things that so rightfully had broken his heart today. Mine broke with his. He was right, so right...and then as life has a cruel way of expressing the fact that we as individuals are not appreciated, told me how his day was shattered and how his feelings for the thing he cares most about was dismissed and brushed under a rug and all in the name of selfishness, and possibly a slight bit of something resembling naivety.
After we talked, I asked if he had put the laundry I so needed in the dryer for me. He was silent for a half a second and said, no. He hadn't. I told him it was ok and he apologized and I said there wasn't a need to. I changed the loads and returned to the couch and he said he was a total ass, or some more intelligent synonym of that, and I told him he wasn't, not to worry about it, it really wasn't a big deal.
And then I had an epiphany of sorts.
Had he been any other man I have ever had a romantic relationship I would have been upset. I would have shut down, blown up or walked away with disappointment. Why didn't I do that with him? I have known this man not even a year, but I know him on a level that no past relationship has even ever compared to. He treats me better than any human being I have ever known. He supports me, he loves me (in the generic sense of the word), he genuinely wants to see me do well and he does NOTHING but build me up. He does so much of that, that when he occasionally has a complaint or observation and criticism of me that I may not respond well to, I take it for what it is and try to grow into a better person.
The realization I had is that if you spend enough time loving someone, and I mean really loving them-not the romantic, lust driven emotion so many people mistake as love, but actually love someone, that those few occasions when you don't come through on something like switching loads of laundry...they won't even be a conversation, much less a fight.
I guess my point, and I do have one, is simple: people spend way too much time worrying about things that really don't matter. More so, I gained even more insight and respect into this thing he and I are doing. I learn more and more each day, with every hour we have together (and really, yes, one could measure the time we are awake and interacting with one another in hours). Each morning he leaves me after a cup of coffee and a smoke, I walk back inside feeling like that part of my heart that has been empty and restless my entire life, is a little bit more full. If you know me at all you know how terrifying that is for me.
I am so indescribably happy this man is a part of my life. He has redefined my idea of a very basic emotion and feeling that people, as a general population, have tried to define throughout the existence of human kind.
All I really know is how happy I am that I met him. I look forward to whatever time I have getting to know him better. He makes my heart happy.
I knew TSMA was going to come over and wait for me to get home tonight, because he's awesome like that and we really don't ask a whole lot out of each other. We really do spend every available moment together, which more times than not is spent with his or my children because we are both parents and both our lives revolve around that and the people they are becoming.
So I asked him last night if he would please be here when I got home tonight, at my house, because I knew this appointment would run late and I know we both have early mornings. But I gave him a key recently in hopes he would utilize it on nights like this. I also asked him something very uncharacteristic of our relationship and that was to take the laundry from my washing machine that I needed, so desperately needed in order to crawl in bed tonight, and put it in the dryer because between 5:30am when I woke up and 10pm when I finally returned home, I simply didn't have time to do it.
After coming in the door tonight after such a horrible day (I cried, a lot today, at work no less) and finding him burrowed in my couch watching a movie, I walked in and plopped my ass straight on his lap. I laid there for a few minutes before moving and neither of us spoke. After I extricated myself from the comfort of his embrace and tiredly pulled on my sweats and returned to my nook in his lap he spoke. He told me he knew my day had been horrible and he wasn't downplaying that, but for as horrible as mine had been, his equaled it. So I listened to him tell me the things that so rightfully had broken his heart today. Mine broke with his. He was right, so right...and then as life has a cruel way of expressing the fact that we as individuals are not appreciated, told me how his day was shattered and how his feelings for the thing he cares most about was dismissed and brushed under a rug and all in the name of selfishness, and possibly a slight bit of something resembling naivety.
After we talked, I asked if he had put the laundry I so needed in the dryer for me. He was silent for a half a second and said, no. He hadn't. I told him it was ok and he apologized and I said there wasn't a need to. I changed the loads and returned to the couch and he said he was a total ass, or some more intelligent synonym of that, and I told him he wasn't, not to worry about it, it really wasn't a big deal.
And then I had an epiphany of sorts.
Had he been any other man I have ever had a romantic relationship I would have been upset. I would have shut down, blown up or walked away with disappointment. Why didn't I do that with him? I have known this man not even a year, but I know him on a level that no past relationship has even ever compared to. He treats me better than any human being I have ever known. He supports me, he loves me (in the generic sense of the word), he genuinely wants to see me do well and he does NOTHING but build me up. He does so much of that, that when he occasionally has a complaint or observation and criticism of me that I may not respond well to, I take it for what it is and try to grow into a better person.
The realization I had is that if you spend enough time loving someone, and I mean really loving them-not the romantic, lust driven emotion so many people mistake as love, but actually love someone, that those few occasions when you don't come through on something like switching loads of laundry...they won't even be a conversation, much less a fight.
I guess my point, and I do have one, is simple: people spend way too much time worrying about things that really don't matter. More so, I gained even more insight and respect into this thing he and I are doing. I learn more and more each day, with every hour we have together (and really, yes, one could measure the time we are awake and interacting with one another in hours). Each morning he leaves me after a cup of coffee and a smoke, I walk back inside feeling like that part of my heart that has been empty and restless my entire life, is a little bit more full. If you know me at all you know how terrifying that is for me.
I am so indescribably happy this man is a part of my life. He has redefined my idea of a very basic emotion and feeling that people, as a general population, have tried to define throughout the existence of human kind.
All I really know is how happy I am that I met him. I look forward to whatever time I have getting to know him better. He makes my heart happy.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
So today I looked at my Facebook homepage thingy screen or whatever its called. And I must confess that if any random douche canoe fell upon and thought to themselves, "Hey!? Who the fuck is this Katelynn Patterson Barrett chic?" (not that anyone would, but I am thinking in the aspects of me being the epitome of awesome tonight so fuck you guys and your bullshit) they would see my home screen (or WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS CALLED) and make their assumptions.
"She has 3 kids...she must love them a lot...they're her cover photo."
"She's stunningly gorgeous and can't see for shit, what with those Coke bottle glasses plastered to her mug."
"Oh I'd like to bang that female, but alas, she has the arm of the sexiest man I have ever seen living slung around her shoulder. Bummer, dudes."
"Oh look! Bitch graduated high school, lives relatively close to there and works for a living now. Bitch is fucking smart as hell, loves her family and appreciates the little things in life."
"Divorced?? Who the fuck is that sexy beast in her profile picture? Bitch has 3 kids....boyfriend that rivals Brad Pitt in looks and Stephan Hawking in intelligence....da fuuuuk?...OH! She must have realized life was more than the ups and downs of everyday life, left her husband, got with a dude that treats her AND her kids right and got right with LIFE."
And you know what? I think that would be an incredibly right assumption, based on this...
"She has 3 kids...she must love them a lot...they're her cover photo."
"She's stunningly gorgeous and can't see for shit, what with those Coke bottle glasses plastered to her mug."
"Oh I'd like to bang that female, but alas, she has the arm of the sexiest man I have ever seen living slung around her shoulder. Bummer, dudes."
"Oh look! Bitch graduated high school, lives relatively close to there and works for a living now. Bitch is fucking smart as hell, loves her family and appreciates the little things in life."
"Divorced?? Who the fuck is that sexy beast in her profile picture? Bitch has 3 kids....boyfriend that rivals Brad Pitt in looks and Stephan Hawking in intelligence....da fuuuuk?...OH! She must have realized life was more than the ups and downs of everyday life, left her husband, got with a dude that treats her AND her kids right and got right with LIFE."
And you know what? I think that would be an incredibly right assumption, based on this...
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Love will come through.
If I told you a secret you won't tell a soul
Will you hold it and keep it alive
'Cause it's burning a hole and I can't get to sleep
And I can't live alone in this life
Will you hold it and keep it alive
'Cause it's burning a hole and I can't get to sleep
And I can't live alone in this life
So look up, take it away
Don't look down the mountain
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow
Don't look down the mountain
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow
So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
And you stand at the crossroads of highroads and low roads
And I've got a feeling it's right
If it's real what I'm feeling and there's no make believing
The sound of the wings of the flight
And I've got a feeling it's right
If it's real what I'm feeling and there's no make believing
The sound of the wings of the flight
Of a dove, take it away
Don't look down the mountain
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow
Don't look down the mountain
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow
So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
Oh, look up, take it away
Don't look down
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything and anyhow
Don't look down
If the world isn't turning your heart won't return
Anyone, anything and anyhow
So take me, don't leave me
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
Take me, don't leave me
Baby, love will come through
It's just waiting for you
Love will come through
Read more: Travis - Love Will Come Through Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Friday, August 9, 2013
TWM...There Are A Few Things Worth Holding On To...
"It's an event- big or small...something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope...a new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories...Whats important is that we never stop believing that we can have a new beginning. But its also important to remember that amid all the crap, are a few things worth holding on to." -Meredith
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Just one more bit of Grey's brilliance that so makes sense to me tonight...
"At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know, if you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular." -Meredith
Saturday, July 20, 2013
I know people are often talking about the way in which we see our children growing up in a manner that seems too quickly to us. I know it is an incredibly cliché saying, too. Over the last few days I have looked at my kids and seen them as incredible little people and the lengths in which they've grown in just the last year blows my mind. Come the start of the school year I will have a 5, 6 and 7 year old. Preschool, kindergarten and 2nd grade. I was noticing this last week how incredibly long my 7 year olds legs are. She is my daughter. I noticed today, how much personality my almost 6 year old son possess; a quality of his that has been previously overlooked, call it middle child syndrome if you will. My sister told me today how THIN my almost 5 year old is; he no longer possess that baby fat and solidness that comes along with a healthy toddler.
They are growing so fast and maturing so quickly and all I want to do is bottle up these moments I have with them so that when they're teenagers with cellphones and friends and cars and sporting events to get to, I can take those bottles out, drink them up and soak in the love that is being the parent of a small child.
I wonder, too, what will come of me when they do reach that age where I no longer am the highlight of their lives. I think about my own parents and the limited time they had together, neither retired, both having to work, one grown kid still living at home and 2 grandchildren with a 3rd on the way when my dad was diagnosed with his cancer. I don't want that to be the life I have once my children are grown.
I think often about how young I was when I became a mother, just barely 21. I had my 3rd a month after my 24th birthday. My family, complete and 2 of them with severe medical conditions and the death of a parent under my belt before I even hit 25. I know I have often referenced those circumstances here, but to see where I am now and having been the one to live through it all, I still cannot, at times, believe me, being the woman I am, lived through all that and a divorce.
I think about the things I want after I am done raising the children I've made and have let them to live their lives the way they choose to, hopefully with the insight and kindness and intelligence I've tried so hard to instill in them. I think about what I want then.
I know I want to be happy, but that is so mundanely generic to say...because what is happiness and do we even know what we want, individually, to make us "happy"? The first thing I think I know I want is love. I've been in a mess of relationships, all of which I think I caught a glimpse of what love is, but clearly none of which were because they otherwise would have stuck. I love the idea of being in love and romanticism and being meant for only one other. I think some of it is cheesy and sad and irrelevant when it comes to the things that really matter, but I think there are some guises of "love" that are necessary for the true thing to emerge and grow.
Well...as you've most likely guessed, if you know me, I am having a very restless night. There are too many things on my mind and consequently there have been a slue of cocktails preceding this post. Regardless of that fact, I am laying in bed, watching The Big Lebowski and contemplating the life I've chosen to live.
Yes. I am THAT woman.
And don't piss on my fucking rug.
They are growing so fast and maturing so quickly and all I want to do is bottle up these moments I have with them so that when they're teenagers with cellphones and friends and cars and sporting events to get to, I can take those bottles out, drink them up and soak in the love that is being the parent of a small child.
I wonder, too, what will come of me when they do reach that age where I no longer am the highlight of their lives. I think about my own parents and the limited time they had together, neither retired, both having to work, one grown kid still living at home and 2 grandchildren with a 3rd on the way when my dad was diagnosed with his cancer. I don't want that to be the life I have once my children are grown.
I think often about how young I was when I became a mother, just barely 21. I had my 3rd a month after my 24th birthday. My family, complete and 2 of them with severe medical conditions and the death of a parent under my belt before I even hit 25. I know I have often referenced those circumstances here, but to see where I am now and having been the one to live through it all, I still cannot, at times, believe me, being the woman I am, lived through all that and a divorce.
I think about the things I want after I am done raising the children I've made and have let them to live their lives the way they choose to, hopefully with the insight and kindness and intelligence I've tried so hard to instill in them. I think about what I want then.
I know I want to be happy, but that is so mundanely generic to say...because what is happiness and do we even know what we want, individually, to make us "happy"? The first thing I think I know I want is love. I've been in a mess of relationships, all of which I think I caught a glimpse of what love is, but clearly none of which were because they otherwise would have stuck. I love the idea of being in love and romanticism and being meant for only one other. I think some of it is cheesy and sad and irrelevant when it comes to the things that really matter, but I think there are some guises of "love" that are necessary for the true thing to emerge and grow.
Well...as you've most likely guessed, if you know me, I am having a very restless night. There are too many things on my mind and consequently there have been a slue of cocktails preceding this post. Regardless of that fact, I am laying in bed, watching The Big Lebowski and contemplating the life I've chosen to live.
Yes. I am THAT woman.
And don't piss on my fucking rug.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Coffee..
I remember a few years ago I promised a post about all the things I want in THE future man in my life. And trust me, I've started, revised and thrown away many of lists at this point. Tonight I decided on one thing though. The man that rises before me and wakes me with my favorite Starbucks drink will most likely be the man I spend the rest of my life loving. There hasn't been one to do it and I am fairly certain there won't be one that loves me enough to do so. But, should that ever happen, he has my heart. I cannot argue with a man that fulfills my caffeine needs without me asking. He wins.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
THE Self Destructive Zone...
I have a tendency to completely self destruct when all aspects of my life go to fucking Hell and I have ZERO control over any of it OR the part I can control is a horribly difficult choice I don't want to make. Which is kind of the position I am in now. And when I say "self destruct", I mean it in the most obvious terms possible. I drink too much, I don't sleep enough, I so predictably destroy relationships with everyone I love. I turn off the world because I can't turn off my head. I get stuck in there. And its scary.
A decade ago, the me that was, would have come home tonight, drank until I couldn't stand straight and swallowed as many sleeping pills as I could fit in my mouth without choking. Then I'd pray I never woke up. I put my ex husband through that a few times with different variations, but always the same intended result. He was amazing to continue loving me all those dark years. I don't think he knows the appreciation I have for that, probably because I doubt I ever voiced it the way I should have.
Somehow, over the years, I've found a way to mostly deal with it. Reflecting on it, I know part of how I do that is to not deal with it at all. I put things out of my head. I've learned to comparmentalize. I've learned to control my head just enough to survive, even if it means barely treading water more often than I want. The thing I haven't perfected is not showing I'm drowning. No matter how I try, someone always knows. And I hate that. That makes me vulnerable and I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone. I hurt my heart enough. I don't need others knowing they can hurt me, too.
Dealing with depression is a war I've always dealt with. My entire life. Since I was a little kid. I knew I felt things differently than others did. I just never knew what it was. As an adult I see it much more clearly and I see the way it changes me and I have learned to predict it and while my way of dealing with it might not be conventional and completely healthy, its what I have right now. I think part of me looks at it as a way to gauge how comitted the people in my life are to having me in theirs. I don't do it intentionally and I've never really thought about it until now, actually. But I think that makes sense. I see, though, the number of people I've lost over the years due to me responding poorly, due to my....fucking, fucked up head.
I think one day I'll figure it out. I think one day I'll find someone that can help me with that, and love me through it.
I remember one of the first posts I ever wrote here, regarding my now ex, husband being laid off and us struggling so, so much. Now it's me being laid off. It's me having to provide for my children. It's me wondering where their next meal is going to come from because I know the money in my checking account isn't going to feed them AND pay my rent. Or the electric. Or the phone bill. Or next years tuition. Or the movies they want to see this summer. Or the water park they're begging me to take them to. Or Six Flags, where Lou keeps asking how tall she has to be to ride the Batman coaster. All those things my babies want I can't give them because I can't even give them the things they need anymore.
Yes, I know to take it one day at a time. I know to pray and keep the faith and when one door closes another opens and all that positive thinking bullshit. I know it's not all bullshit. None of that brings me even a moments peace of mind when I look at the pile of bills I haven't paid in months though.
Don't worry, though. I'll keep my chin up, stay the strong woman that is my father's daughter and muscle through it. Or whatever other cliche you wish to throw my way regarding perserverance. I always do. It amazes me, really, the faith God must have in me. I occasionally question the pretty solid belief I have in Him, when I am really having a difficult time trusting Him. I think by handing me the things He does, He is constantly challenging me. By doing that, I never question His love for me. I believe the ones he loves the most, His 'favorites' are given the most winding, brush ridden paths. But that's a whole 'nother drama.
A decade ago, the me that was, would have come home tonight, drank until I couldn't stand straight and swallowed as many sleeping pills as I could fit in my mouth without choking. Then I'd pray I never woke up. I put my ex husband through that a few times with different variations, but always the same intended result. He was amazing to continue loving me all those dark years. I don't think he knows the appreciation I have for that, probably because I doubt I ever voiced it the way I should have.
Somehow, over the years, I've found a way to mostly deal with it. Reflecting on it, I know part of how I do that is to not deal with it at all. I put things out of my head. I've learned to comparmentalize. I've learned to control my head just enough to survive, even if it means barely treading water more often than I want. The thing I haven't perfected is not showing I'm drowning. No matter how I try, someone always knows. And I hate that. That makes me vulnerable and I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone. I hurt my heart enough. I don't need others knowing they can hurt me, too.
Dealing with depression is a war I've always dealt with. My entire life. Since I was a little kid. I knew I felt things differently than others did. I just never knew what it was. As an adult I see it much more clearly and I see the way it changes me and I have learned to predict it and while my way of dealing with it might not be conventional and completely healthy, its what I have right now. I think part of me looks at it as a way to gauge how comitted the people in my life are to having me in theirs. I don't do it intentionally and I've never really thought about it until now, actually. But I think that makes sense. I see, though, the number of people I've lost over the years due to me responding poorly, due to my....fucking, fucked up head.
I think one day I'll figure it out. I think one day I'll find someone that can help me with that, and love me through it.
I remember one of the first posts I ever wrote here, regarding my now ex, husband being laid off and us struggling so, so much. Now it's me being laid off. It's me having to provide for my children. It's me wondering where their next meal is going to come from because I know the money in my checking account isn't going to feed them AND pay my rent. Or the electric. Or the phone bill. Or next years tuition. Or the movies they want to see this summer. Or the water park they're begging me to take them to. Or Six Flags, where Lou keeps asking how tall she has to be to ride the Batman coaster. All those things my babies want I can't give them because I can't even give them the things they need anymore.
Yes, I know to take it one day at a time. I know to pray and keep the faith and when one door closes another opens and all that positive thinking bullshit. I know it's not all bullshit. None of that brings me even a moments peace of mind when I look at the pile of bills I haven't paid in months though.
Don't worry, though. I'll keep my chin up, stay the strong woman that is my father's daughter and muscle through it. Or whatever other cliche you wish to throw my way regarding perserverance. I always do. It amazes me, really, the faith God must have in me. I occasionally question the pretty solid belief I have in Him, when I am really having a difficult time trusting Him. I think by handing me the things He does, He is constantly challenging me. By doing that, I never question His love for me. I believe the ones he loves the most, His 'favorites' are given the most winding, brush ridden paths. But that's a whole 'nother drama.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
And so I had the best weekend and best time I have had in a long, long time. In case you haven't noticed, TSMA and I do not agree on baseball...we do, actually, but our teams are very different. Since we hail from a city that has 2, the North and the South, it is a situation where you pick your loyalty. So, instead of giving you a lot of bullshit about it, I will instead leave you with the photo montage. Keep in mind, this was, by far, one of the best weekends of my life AND at a time I needed it, because my babies have been on vacation with their dad for 8 days now.
It was a great weekend. The game, the friends, the times we had...and today TSMA and I slept in, went for a crappy breakfast, saw a movie, had mac at Cobbs, drank some wine and talked. My heart couldn't be happier. They all make me smile. And in the morning I get to see my babies for the first time in a week. My cup is full.
TSMA, Kimi Coo and me
Me and J on the train...he can't pick a team, he's just there for the beer. Can't blame him.
Yep, thaat's my face
PJ and me. He is TSMA's best friend and brother and I love him, too. We had fun. I'm not sure how he feels about TSMA and I, but I hope its good, because I'd love his support in this.
Matty and Em. I love them both. A lot.
2 of my favorite people ever and me. I love them.
me, Kev and Peej
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Fucking...Shit...God damnit...
You know those days when you're just so over everyone and their shit and everything and all it's shit? The days where nothing short of a bottle of wine, followed by dirty, drunken, sex, followed by a drunken coma will make you happy (and by happy I mean less inclined to kill anyone that gets between you and the two previously listed pleasures)? I'm so beyond having one of those days that I've said, 'fuck wine, fuck margaritas, gimme the tequila and go the hell away'.
I think normal people get in this place of pure disdain for life and turn to their friends and cocktails. I get in this place and create wedges of anger between the people that I care for most and myself. All I really want is to curl up with my kids and watch a movie and then fall into bed with TSMA and go to sleep. But because there is the possibility of my not getting what I want when I'm already in a crabby fucking mood, I tell him to pretty much fuck off, I'll see you whenever. Exactly the opposite of what I really want, but why would make myself more vulnerable than I already am right now? I am in the business of protecting my heart and maintaining it's walls; not opening the gate to an army.
With all that said, I think I need to start expressing myself a little better to this man because he really seldom does anything that annoys me (oh there are a few things, but they aren't important enough to really worry about at this point in our relationship) and I am sure I do many things that annoy him (maybe not, I am pretty fucking awesome, the epitome of, in fact). Whatever the case, I think that if we are going to flourish in our respected places of awesome, we need to start communicating a little better and going the extra mile to try and understand one another's feelings, even if we don't understand them.
It might just be the tequila talking or I might be a genius. Either way, cheers, bitches!
I think normal people get in this place of pure disdain for life and turn to their friends and cocktails. I get in this place and create wedges of anger between the people that I care for most and myself. All I really want is to curl up with my kids and watch a movie and then fall into bed with TSMA and go to sleep. But because there is the possibility of my not getting what I want when I'm already in a crabby fucking mood, I tell him to pretty much fuck off, I'll see you whenever. Exactly the opposite of what I really want, but why would make myself more vulnerable than I already am right now? I am in the business of protecting my heart and maintaining it's walls; not opening the gate to an army.
With all that said, I think I need to start expressing myself a little better to this man because he really seldom does anything that annoys me (oh there are a few things, but they aren't important enough to really worry about at this point in our relationship) and I am sure I do many things that annoy him (maybe not, I am pretty fucking awesome, the epitome of, in fact). Whatever the case, I think that if we are going to flourish in our respected places of awesome, we need to start communicating a little better and going the extra mile to try and understand one another's feelings, even if we don't understand them.
It might just be the tequila talking or I might be a genius. Either way, cheers, bitches!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Even though you already know, I thought I'd let you know...
"You don't have to go to sleep, honey. I know you're a night owl."
Huh?
"You don't have to sleep now just because I am."
I know. I'm tired though.
...ten minutes go by and I'm out of bed, he's snoring and I'm blogging.
TSMA has asked me many times, but most recently a week or so ago, why I am so "into" him. 'I don't know, you're fucking retarded', is the answer I most often give. Him asking and that not being a sufficient enough answer (though, I really don't understand why it's not. Given my history with men, I would think it would be taken as a compliment, but WHATEVER), I actually started thinking about it and have began listing the reasons in my mental log of All Things Awesome (that's right, Kev. You've become part of The Awesome).
I believe if I were to start listing these things, however, he would find massive errors and reason to complain about the things I deem as admirable qualities. He is mildly egotistical, though beautifully humble. But he knows that.
He is wonderfully hilarious and depressingly realistic. But he knows that.
He is comfortably reasonable, but irrational. But he knows that.
He's a phenomonal listener and reciprocates appropriately, but he knows that.
He is a compassionate dad that encourages and coaches and supports his kids with a love I know all too well. I know he knows that because it's why he lives and breathes.
He's conservativly passionate and desires to please...and I'm betting he knows that, too.
He is specifically observant and willing to adjust his almost stone-set ways, but he knows that.
He's warm. The kind of warm that warrants a warning label stating he is not resposible for items within 10 feet of him combusting. I'm pretty certain he knows that.
He's handsome and charming and thrills me with his simple smile and signature chuckle. He defintely knows that.
He is my biggest fan. More than anyone I have ever known in my life, he wants me to succeed and provides all the necessary feedback and encouragment to give me, my biggest critic, reason to believe I can. He definitely knows that. He tells me so all the time.
He sometimes looks at me in that way one does when they're happy with the simple fact that you're a part of their life. I know he already knows that. It's again something he verbalizes to me often.
So, you see...there just isn't a list of things I can give him because I think that the reason behind the question is to hear things you aren't already aware of yourself. I mean...that's why I would ask. So...I started thinking of those things, you know, paying closer attention to the mental dialogue I somewhat subconciously run when I am with him...trying to create some sort of list of validating character traits I am falling stupidly for that may be worthy of his reading because I possibly found a few things this Stark-like ego doesn't already know about.
My entire life, when falling asleep, I have always rubbed my foot against the sheets. I never realized I was doing it until my ex-husband so callously pointed out to me that I was going to wear a hole in the sheets with my habitual bedtime ritual. I became aware, from that point on, of the fact that I even did this rhythmic dance every night. I think I have once, since sharing a bed with TSMA, gone through this previously needed action. I would be shocked if he knew the signficance it once was or the necessary peace of mind it once brought me. Since knowing him, it's disappeared.
I know it seems vague and insignifcant. I think the men in my life that are familiar with the annoyance of it will find it's disappearance a God given miracle and the fact that I can pin point that, even more signifcant.
So, sweet man of mine, I'm sorry I don't have a long, beautiful list of reasons I adore you. I know I feel the reasons, my abilty to express them sucks because I cannot verbalize my thoughts with any sort of elegance or grace. And I really don't know that you want to hear me stroke your ego for things you already know you do and are. Maybe I'm wrong, though, because sometimes I need to hear those kinds of things about myself.
Oh, and I look amazing in just his Hawks jersey...I'm certain he's well aware of that little fact, though...
In any event, honey, I'm happy I know you, too.
Huh?
"You don't have to sleep now just because I am."
I know. I'm tired though.
...ten minutes go by and I'm out of bed, he's snoring and I'm blogging.
TSMA has asked me many times, but most recently a week or so ago, why I am so "into" him. 'I don't know, you're fucking retarded', is the answer I most often give. Him asking and that not being a sufficient enough answer (though, I really don't understand why it's not. Given my history with men, I would think it would be taken as a compliment, but WHATEVER), I actually started thinking about it and have began listing the reasons in my mental log of All Things Awesome (that's right, Kev. You've become part of The Awesome).
I believe if I were to start listing these things, however, he would find massive errors and reason to complain about the things I deem as admirable qualities. He is mildly egotistical, though beautifully humble. But he knows that.
He is wonderfully hilarious and depressingly realistic. But he knows that.
He is comfortably reasonable, but irrational. But he knows that.
He's a phenomonal listener and reciprocates appropriately, but he knows that.
He is a compassionate dad that encourages and coaches and supports his kids with a love I know all too well. I know he knows that because it's why he lives and breathes.
He's conservativly passionate and desires to please...and I'm betting he knows that, too.
He is specifically observant and willing to adjust his almost stone-set ways, but he knows that.
He's warm. The kind of warm that warrants a warning label stating he is not resposible for items within 10 feet of him combusting. I'm pretty certain he knows that.
He's handsome and charming and thrills me with his simple smile and signature chuckle. He defintely knows that.
He is my biggest fan. More than anyone I have ever known in my life, he wants me to succeed and provides all the necessary feedback and encouragment to give me, my biggest critic, reason to believe I can. He definitely knows that. He tells me so all the time.
He sometimes looks at me in that way one does when they're happy with the simple fact that you're a part of their life. I know he already knows that. It's again something he verbalizes to me often.
So, you see...there just isn't a list of things I can give him because I think that the reason behind the question is to hear things you aren't already aware of yourself. I mean...that's why I would ask. So...I started thinking of those things, you know, paying closer attention to the mental dialogue I somewhat subconciously run when I am with him...trying to create some sort of list of validating character traits I am falling stupidly for that may be worthy of his reading because I possibly found a few things this Stark-like ego doesn't already know about.
My entire life, when falling asleep, I have always rubbed my foot against the sheets. I never realized I was doing it until my ex-husband so callously pointed out to me that I was going to wear a hole in the sheets with my habitual bedtime ritual. I became aware, from that point on, of the fact that I even did this rhythmic dance every night. I think I have once, since sharing a bed with TSMA, gone through this previously needed action. I would be shocked if he knew the signficance it once was or the necessary peace of mind it once brought me. Since knowing him, it's disappeared.
I know it seems vague and insignifcant. I think the men in my life that are familiar with the annoyance of it will find it's disappearance a God given miracle and the fact that I can pin point that, even more signifcant.
So, sweet man of mine, I'm sorry I don't have a long, beautiful list of reasons I adore you. I know I feel the reasons, my abilty to express them sucks because I cannot verbalize my thoughts with any sort of elegance or grace. And I really don't know that you want to hear me stroke your ego for things you already know you do and are. Maybe I'm wrong, though, because sometimes I need to hear those kinds of things about myself.
Oh, and I look amazing in just his Hawks jersey...I'm certain he's well aware of that little fact, though...
In any event, honey, I'm happy I know you, too.
Friday, May 24, 2013
It is seldom that I get to enjoy a cup of coffee early in the morning and in complete silence, no less. But today is one of those rare moments. TSMA left to go to work, the kids are still snoozing and the coffee is brewed. Today I am leaving to head to St. Louis with my seester. We're going to see my favorite band play and visit with my favorite people. This is the start of what I know will be an awesome weekend and I couldn't need it more than I do right now. Work has been stressful, the kids have been out of school for less than 48 hours and already have me counting the days until classes resume.
Seester and I have always wanted to take a road trip. We've been partners in crime for over 15years now...is that right? Since we were about 12...WOW. This will be our first road trip sans the parental units. In less than a month she will also be moving to 'The Wood' and we will for the first time ever live in the same zip code.
I would like to remind her right now, of the time we went to the Up In Smoke show in Rosemont, at the age of maybe 15 or 16, a time I had to create a HUGE lie to be able to go becuase there was no way in Hell my parents would allow me to see the likes of Eminem, Dre and Snoop. We had soooo much fun though and one memory that comes to mind involves the flashing of a car full of boys. There was a late night, pot induced visit to Taco Bell, too, and I believe a pint or 2 of Ben and Jerry's. Munchies are a bitch. I don't doubt this trip to be any less epic, minus the harmless herbal substances. We now find that kind of trouble without the assistance of gateway drugs.
Oh we are much more grown up and responsible these days. Nearing the end of our 20's and both of us with children and bad relationships under our belts, we're at a point where we may not talk in depth about much of anything and the times we see each other are few and sometimes far between. But all it really takes for us is a text message with some ridiculously well fitting eCard attatched to remind the other we're always right there, should we need anything.
So, as I hear the kids starting to wake up and I still have not packed one item for this trip I am leaving for in less than 3 hours, I want to take one final moment to express to you the type of relationship this bestest friend and I have and show you a preview as to how this weekend will go...
Seester and I have always wanted to take a road trip. We've been partners in crime for over 15years now...is that right? Since we were about 12...WOW. This will be our first road trip sans the parental units. In less than a month she will also be moving to 'The Wood' and we will for the first time ever live in the same zip code.
I would like to remind her right now, of the time we went to the Up In Smoke show in Rosemont, at the age of maybe 15 or 16, a time I had to create a HUGE lie to be able to go becuase there was no way in Hell my parents would allow me to see the likes of Eminem, Dre and Snoop. We had soooo much fun though and one memory that comes to mind involves the flashing of a car full of boys. There was a late night, pot induced visit to Taco Bell, too, and I believe a pint or 2 of Ben and Jerry's. Munchies are a bitch. I don't doubt this trip to be any less epic, minus the harmless herbal substances. We now find that kind of trouble without the assistance of gateway drugs.
Oh we are much more grown up and responsible these days. Nearing the end of our 20's and both of us with children and bad relationships under our belts, we're at a point where we may not talk in depth about much of anything and the times we see each other are few and sometimes far between. But all it really takes for us is a text message with some ridiculously well fitting eCard attatched to remind the other we're always right there, should we need anything.
So, as I hear the kids starting to wake up and I still have not packed one item for this trip I am leaving for in less than 3 hours, I want to take one final moment to express to you the type of relationship this bestest friend and I have and show you a preview as to how this weekend will go...
Love you, Seester! Let the shenanigans begin!!!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
What the shit, Taco Bell?
What in the hell happened to the days of pulling up to a Taco Bell drive-thru with a possibly above .08 BAC and ordering a God damn taco??? I pulled into the drive thru tonight and this very polite, stoner fuck of a kid took my order. I ordered a taco and a nachos Bell Grande. Then the Polite Stoner Fuck proceeded to ask my drunk ass a plethora of questions I was ill prepared for. This is how the conversation went:
Stoner-Fuck: Welcome to Taco Bell!!! What can I get for you tonight?
Me, looking at the clock thinking he had the time wrong when he said 'tonight', because usually it's well after mindnight when I visit a Taco Bell. Realizing it was only 11pm and after a very pregnant pause I responed with a...: UUUUUUMMMMMM...(I was shouting because I had my radio a little too louder than Taco-Bell ettiquette allows..)...CAN I...
Stoner-Fuck: MA'AM, CAN YOU TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN, PLEASE, SO I CAN ASSIST YOU BETTER?
Me: YES!!! (I then reduced the volume)...I'm sorry, but did you just address me as "ma'am"?
Stoner-Fuck: Yes, ma'am, I did.
Me: Ok. I was just asking. UUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMM....may I please have a nachos bell grande, a cheesy gordita cruch and a water, please? (Yes I said 'please' twice because I am polite as fuck and I felt badly about the whole radio thing. Anyway...)
>>>>stoner fuck then proceeded to ask me 869,543 questions I was not ready to answer.<<<<<
Stoner Fuck: "Would you like one of those as a combo deal?
Me: UUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMM...Yes???
Stoner Fuck: Well it will save you thirty eight and a half cents, ma'am.
Me: Oh!!! Well, in that case yes, I'd like 2 please.
Stoner Fuck: Two which, ma'am?
Me: 2 of the...I don't know, could Ijust have a nachos bell grande, a cheesy gordita crunch and a water please?
Stoner Fuck: What kind of taco would you like with that nachos bell grande? Hard or soft?
Me, giggling like a 13 yo girl: Oh I want it hard...please... AND THANK YOU.
Stoner Fuck: Very well, ma'am. Now, would you like that as a Doritos taco or a corn shell?
Me: UUUUUUUUMMMMMM...Doritos, please. (As if there should even be another option)
Stoner Fuck: Would you like that Doriotos taco nacho cheese or cool ranch?
Me: UUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMM....nacho cheese, please! (que giggloe becuase, well, cheese and please rhyme)
Stoner Fuck: Ok, thank you, ma'am. Your total is >insert some ridiculously absurd number that no one should ever pay for drive thru anything<. Please pull ahead to the window.
I pull ahead to the designated window, assuming to throw this little shit pile kid that keeps calling me 'ma'am' a wad of singles, flash him my brilliant smile, ask for fire sauce and go about my happy, buzzed way home. But noooooooo....Stoner Fuck had other plans in mind...
Stoner Fuck: Hello, ma' (stops mid sentence upon viewing the timeless beauty that is my face), Miss. Hello, Miss.
Me: Well hello, Stoner Fuck. (Ok. I didn't actually call him that at this point, but I would have considered it if I weren't suddenly craving fucking nachos bell grande like a pregnant woman may)
Stoner Fuck: Now, with this water...would you like bottle or a cup?
Me: (TSMA sized eye roll) A cup is phenomonal. Please and also...thank you.
Stoner Fuck: Would you like any sauces with this, Miss?
Me: (UUUUUUMMMMMM...not the sauce you're wanting to fill my taco with but...)...yes,,,fire, please.
Stoner Fuck, handing me a bag: There you are, Miss. Please have a wonderful night.
Me, weighing the single bag in my hand: Thank you, you as well...is my nachos bell grande in here??
Stoner Fuck: Yes, miss, it is.
Me: Fabulous. You have a fantastice evening.
Stoner Fuck: Thank you. You, too.
After I got home and began examining the contents of my Taco Bell goodies, I discovered that SStoner Fuck did not give me any God damned fire sauce. I got over that pretty quickly but after devouring my Doritos taco I pulled out the nachos to start on that and this is what I saw:
Stoner-Fuck: Welcome to Taco Bell!!! What can I get for you tonight?
Me, looking at the clock thinking he had the time wrong when he said 'tonight', because usually it's well after mindnight when I visit a Taco Bell. Realizing it was only 11pm and after a very pregnant pause I responed with a...: UUUUUUMMMMMM...(I was shouting because I had my radio a little too louder than Taco-Bell ettiquette allows..)...CAN I...
Stoner-Fuck: MA'AM, CAN YOU TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN, PLEASE, SO I CAN ASSIST YOU BETTER?
Me: YES!!! (I then reduced the volume)...I'm sorry, but did you just address me as "ma'am"?
Stoner-Fuck: Yes, ma'am, I did.
Me: Ok. I was just asking. UUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMM....may I please have a nachos bell grande, a cheesy gordita cruch and a water, please? (Yes I said 'please' twice because I am polite as fuck and I felt badly about the whole radio thing. Anyway...)
>>>>stoner fuck then proceeded to ask me 869,543 questions I was not ready to answer.<<<<<
Stoner Fuck: "Would you like one of those as a combo deal?
Me: UUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMM...Yes???
Stoner Fuck: Well it will save you thirty eight and a half cents, ma'am.
Me: Oh!!! Well, in that case yes, I'd like 2 please.
Stoner Fuck: Two which, ma'am?
Me: 2 of the...I don't know, could Ijust have a nachos bell grande, a cheesy gordita crunch and a water please?
Stoner Fuck: What kind of taco would you like with that nachos bell grande? Hard or soft?
Me, giggling like a 13 yo girl: Oh I want it hard...please... AND THANK YOU.
Stoner Fuck: Very well, ma'am. Now, would you like that as a Doritos taco or a corn shell?
Me: UUUUUUUUMMMMMM...Doritos, please. (As if there should even be another option)
Stoner Fuck: Would you like that Doriotos taco nacho cheese or cool ranch?
Me: UUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMM....nacho cheese, please! (que giggloe becuase, well, cheese and please rhyme)
Stoner Fuck: Ok, thank you, ma'am. Your total is >insert some ridiculously absurd number that no one should ever pay for drive thru anything<. Please pull ahead to the window.
I pull ahead to the designated window, assuming to throw this little shit pile kid that keeps calling me 'ma'am' a wad of singles, flash him my brilliant smile, ask for fire sauce and go about my happy, buzzed way home. But noooooooo....Stoner Fuck had other plans in mind...
Stoner Fuck: Hello, ma' (stops mid sentence upon viewing the timeless beauty that is my face), Miss. Hello, Miss.
Me: Well hello, Stoner Fuck. (Ok. I didn't actually call him that at this point, but I would have considered it if I weren't suddenly craving fucking nachos bell grande like a pregnant woman may)
Stoner Fuck: Now, with this water...would you like bottle or a cup?
Me: (TSMA sized eye roll) A cup is phenomonal. Please and also...thank you.
Stoner Fuck: Would you like any sauces with this, Miss?
Me: (UUUUUUMMMMMM...not the sauce you're wanting to fill my taco with but...)...yes,,,fire, please.
Stoner Fuck, handing me a bag: There you are, Miss. Please have a wonderful night.
Me, weighing the single bag in my hand: Thank you, you as well...is my nachos bell grande in here??
Stoner Fuck: Yes, miss, it is.
Me: Fabulous. You have a fantastice evening.
Stoner Fuck: Thank you. You, too.
After I got home and began examining the contents of my Taco Bell goodies, I discovered that SStoner Fuck did not give me any God damned fire sauce. I got over that pretty quickly but after devouring my Doritos taco I pulled out the nachos to start on that and this is what I saw:
Can someone please tell me what the shit this is??? I fucking said nachos bell GRANDE. Where the fuck are my tomatoes and shit??? There is nothing fucking grand about this shit excuse of a fast food mexican dish (although, really, I think nachos are an American creation, but I could be wrong). Next time I will be checking my purchase before driving away, you Polite And Possibly Retarded, Stoner Fuck.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Being a momma is realizing the strengths you never knew you had in you, and dealing with fears you never knew could exist.
Happy Mother's Day, bitches!
After having posted this, The Sexiest Man Alive arrived at my door. This is what he brought me.
This is the first time TSMA has brought me flowers...and there must have been at least 8 dozen of them. Some of them are in my one and only vase...the rest are in mason jars and old tequila bottles because, you know, I'm classy like that.
Friday, May 10, 2013
I always hate when I read a post or an article that starts with, "Webster's Dictionary defines (insert random word here) as...". I mean, I hate it in the sense of it causes me intestional agony. One of the most important and validated characteristics I hold myself accountable for day in and day out is INTEGRITY.
I value integrity on such an epic level that I have ended potentially awesome relationships because I felt the counter part in the deal lacked it too severely to continue. I think that often times the actual characteristic of being integral is mis-interpreted. So, with reluctant excitment, I present you the Webster's definition of integrity
"firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : incorruptibility "
What I have always translated the definition of integrity to be is as simple as, "doing the right thing when no one is looking". I really adhere to this in every aspect of my life. I think Webster had it right...'adhereing to a code of...incorruptibility".
I wrote recently on the disconnect I feel from Christ these days. Thinking about it now I think what keeps me closest to Him is my sense of integrity. I always try to behave as if He is watching. And while I know I fail that notion daily, I know that no person is perfect. But I believe that because He lives in my heart and knows me as an individual, my efforts are met with grace and love and true appreciation.
It stands true to me time and time again that those I have known who lack integrity are the people who have spend their lives trying to be someone they're not. I don't find that admirable. I think the basic foundation of becoming a complete person and valuable member to our existence is being a person that does the right thing when no one is looking.
I value integrity on such an epic level that I have ended potentially awesome relationships because I felt the counter part in the deal lacked it too severely to continue. I think that often times the actual characteristic of being integral is mis-interpreted. So, with reluctant excitment, I present you the Webster's definition of integrity
"firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : incorruptibility "
What I have always translated the definition of integrity to be is as simple as, "doing the right thing when no one is looking". I really adhere to this in every aspect of my life. I think Webster had it right...'adhereing to a code of...incorruptibility".
I wrote recently on the disconnect I feel from Christ these days. Thinking about it now I think what keeps me closest to Him is my sense of integrity. I always try to behave as if He is watching. And while I know I fail that notion daily, I know that no person is perfect. But I believe that because He lives in my heart and knows me as an individual, my efforts are met with grace and love and true appreciation.
It stands true to me time and time again that those I have known who lack integrity are the people who have spend their lives trying to be someone they're not. I don't find that admirable. I think the basic foundation of becoming a complete person and valuable member to our existence is being a person that does the right thing when no one is looking.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Lately I have noticed, with sadness, the disconnect I have with Christ. I hate that I am here. I don't even have enough energy to get into it all right now, as work and kids and life has me so emotionally drained, I don't know if I would shed a single tear watching William Wallace die at the end of Braveheart (the GREATEST love story ever). Tonight, while unwinding from a particularly long night at work, I started surfing blogs and came across this post on one of them. It reminded me of how I came to getting the tattoo I have on my left wrist and what it means to me (more on that another day).
"Those who have made the deaf and dumb their study tell us how much the power of speaking depends on that of hearing, and how the loss of hearing in children is followed by that of speaking, too. ... To offer a prayer--to give utterance to certain wishes and to appeal to certain promises--is an easy thing and can be learned of man by human wisdom. But to pray in the Spirit, to speak words that reach and touch God, that affect and influence the powers of the unseen world--such praying, such speaking, depends entirely upon our hearing God's voice."
--Andrew Murray, With Christ in the School of Prayer, copyright 1887
"Those who have made the deaf and dumb their study tell us how much the power of speaking depends on that of hearing, and how the loss of hearing in children is followed by that of speaking, too. ... To offer a prayer--to give utterance to certain wishes and to appeal to certain promises--is an easy thing and can be learned of man by human wisdom. But to pray in the Spirit, to speak words that reach and touch God, that affect and influence the powers of the unseen world--such praying, such speaking, depends entirely upon our hearing God's voice."
--Andrew Murray, With Christ in the School of Prayer, copyright 1887
Sunday, April 21, 2013
It's sixteen miles to the promised land
And I promise you I'm doing the best I can
Don't fool yourself in thinking you're more than a man
'Cause you'll probably end up dead
I visit these mountains with frequency and I stand here with my arms up
Some days last longer than others
But this day by the lake went too fast
And if you want me you better speak up
I won't wait
So you'd better move fast
Don't fool yourself in thinking you're more than you are
With your arms outstretched to me
And I promise you I'm doing the best I can
Don't fool yourself in thinking you're more than a man
'Cause you'll probably end up dead
I visit these mountains with frequency and I stand here with my arms up
Some days last longer than others
But this day by the lake went too fast
And if you want me you better speak up
I won't wait
So you'd better move fast
Don't fool yourself in thinking you're more than you are
With your arms outstretched to me
And this day? It went too fast.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Things I've learned...
Burping and swallowing at the same moment results in a severe coughing fit.
If you find a man who can give a good massage and is willing to do it without even thinking about it, marry him. That skill alone is worth more than any character flaw he may possess.
Kids will only hear you when you're saying something utterly foul. They will only repeat it at the most inappropriate time possible, like in the communion line at church...to the pastor.
It's okay to fall in love. Even if it doesn't last and even if it breaks your heart.
If you find a hobby that makes you happy, stick with it. I seldom cook anymore and haven't ran even a mile in over a year now when I was running 5-8 daily.
Drive-thru tacos only taste good at 2am.
Nothing good happens after 2am.
If he isn't invested enough to be thoughtful and considerate, he isn't invested enough. Walk away.
Beer tastes best when poured from a clean line, into a chilled glass.
2:30am is a completely acceptable time to make and eat a grilled cheese...it is also the ONLY good thing that ever happens after 2am.
There is nothing wrong with eating an entire box of Girl Scout cookies in one seating...as long as it only happens once a year and you chase it with a large glass of milk.
It doesn't matter how many hours you work, how much time you have or how tired and uninvolved you may be-your kids want you to listen to them. Listen to them tell you about the Play-Doh dog that poops blue sparkly shit. Listen to them tell you, for the fourteenth hundren time, about the bad kid in school that doesn't follow the rules, picks his nose, hits other kids and broke the most coveted class toy-then thank Christ it isn't your kid behaving that way. It means you're doing a good job.
Single parents, made single by any circumstance, are heroes.
The key to a happy and successful relationship is two people who care equally about the happiness and well being of the other party. If you're not putting forth full effort to make your partner happy, they aren't the one. In the same respect, if you're with someone and you aren't feeling a reciprocated appreciation from them, then they aren't the one.
There are some things about men, that despite any major flaw they may have (yes, even if he is a mouth breather, there are things that can save him) that are undeniably sexy. To name a few...men on motorcycles, men that can cook, men that play guitar and men that do housework (yes. I detest housework and definitely consider a man scrubbing a toilet and hanging my mounds of laundry a major turn-on).
Becoming a parent is easy. Parenting is...well...at times...impossible.
Watching someone you love die is the hardest, most character-building, life-changing experience you will ever go through.
Treating others with the same kindnesses you'd wish to be treated with pays off in more ways that you ever realize.
One can never count their blessings too many times.
3am is the perfect time to consider all the things you've learned.
If you find a man who can give a good massage and is willing to do it without even thinking about it, marry him. That skill alone is worth more than any character flaw he may possess.
Kids will only hear you when you're saying something utterly foul. They will only repeat it at the most inappropriate time possible, like in the communion line at church...to the pastor.
It's okay to fall in love. Even if it doesn't last and even if it breaks your heart.
If you find a hobby that makes you happy, stick with it. I seldom cook anymore and haven't ran even a mile in over a year now when I was running 5-8 daily.
Drive-thru tacos only taste good at 2am.
Nothing good happens after 2am.
If he isn't invested enough to be thoughtful and considerate, he isn't invested enough. Walk away.
Beer tastes best when poured from a clean line, into a chilled glass.
2:30am is a completely acceptable time to make and eat a grilled cheese...it is also the ONLY good thing that ever happens after 2am.
There is nothing wrong with eating an entire box of Girl Scout cookies in one seating...as long as it only happens once a year and you chase it with a large glass of milk.
It doesn't matter how many hours you work, how much time you have or how tired and uninvolved you may be-your kids want you to listen to them. Listen to them tell you about the Play-Doh dog that poops blue sparkly shit. Listen to them tell you, for the fourteenth hundren time, about the bad kid in school that doesn't follow the rules, picks his nose, hits other kids and broke the most coveted class toy-then thank Christ it isn't your kid behaving that way. It means you're doing a good job.
Single parents, made single by any circumstance, are heroes.
The key to a happy and successful relationship is two people who care equally about the happiness and well being of the other party. If you're not putting forth full effort to make your partner happy, they aren't the one. In the same respect, if you're with someone and you aren't feeling a reciprocated appreciation from them, then they aren't the one.
There are some things about men, that despite any major flaw they may have (yes, even if he is a mouth breather, there are things that can save him) that are undeniably sexy. To name a few...men on motorcycles, men that can cook, men that play guitar and men that do housework (yes. I detest housework and definitely consider a man scrubbing a toilet and hanging my mounds of laundry a major turn-on).
Becoming a parent is easy. Parenting is...well...at times...impossible.
Watching someone you love die is the hardest, most character-building, life-changing experience you will ever go through.
Treating others with the same kindnesses you'd wish to be treated with pays off in more ways that you ever realize.
One can never count their blessings too many times.
3am is the perfect time to consider all the things you've learned.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
The 5th and final...
Right Through You, Alanis Morissette
Wait a minute man
You mispronounced my name
You didn't wait for all the information
Before you turned me away
Wait a minute sir
You kind of hurt my feelings
You see me as a sweet back-loaded puppet
And you've got meal ticket taste
I see right through you
I know right through you
I feel right through you
I walk right through you
You took me for a joke
You took me for a child
You took a long hard look at my ass
And then played golf for a while
Your shake is like a fish
You pat me on the head
You took me out to wine dine 69 me
But didn't hear a damn word I said
I see right through you
I know right through you
I feel right through you
I walk right through you
Hello Mr. Man
You didn't think I'd come back
You didn't think I'd show up with my army
And this ammunition on my back
Now that I'm Miss Thing
Now that I'm a zillionaire
You scan the credits for your name
And wonder why it's not there
I see right through you
I know right through you
I feel right through you
I walk right through you
This album is one of my favorite of all time. I can listen to it in it's full, repeatedly and never grow sick of it.
Wait a minute man
You mispronounced my name
You didn't wait for all the information
Before you turned me away
Wait a minute sir
You kind of hurt my feelings
You see me as a sweet back-loaded puppet
And you've got meal ticket taste
I see right through you
I know right through you
I feel right through you
I walk right through you
You took me for a joke
You took me for a child
You took a long hard look at my ass
And then played golf for a while
Your shake is like a fish
You pat me on the head
You took me out to wine dine 69 me
But didn't hear a damn word I said
I see right through you
I know right through you
I feel right through you
I walk right through you
Hello Mr. Man
You didn't think I'd come back
You didn't think I'd show up with my army
And this ammunition on my back
Now that I'm Miss Thing
Now that I'm a zillionaire
You scan the credits for your name
And wonder why it's not there
I see right through you
I know right through you
I feel right through you
I walk right through you
This album is one of my favorite of all time. I can listen to it in it's full, repeatedly and never grow sick of it.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Song 4 of the lyrical tirade...
Sittin on the Dock of the Bay, Otis Redding
Sittin' in the mornin' sun
I'll be sittin' when the evenin' come
Watching the ships roll in
And then I watch 'em roll away again
I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Ooo, I'm just sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time
I left my home in Georgia
Headed for the 'Frisco bay
'Cause I've had nothing to live for
And look like nothin's gonna come my way
So I'm just gonna sit on the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Ooo, I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time
Look like nothing's gonna change
Everything still remains the same
I can't do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess I'll remain the same
Sittin' here resting my bones
And this loneliness won't leave me alone
It's two thousand miles I roamed
Just to make this dock my home
Now, I'm just gonna sit at the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Oooo-wee, sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time
Sittin' in the mornin' sun
I'll be sittin' when the evenin' come
Watching the ships roll in
And then I watch 'em roll away again
I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Ooo, I'm just sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time
I left my home in Georgia
Headed for the 'Frisco bay
'Cause I've had nothing to live for
And look like nothin's gonna come my way
So I'm just gonna sit on the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Ooo, I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time
Look like nothing's gonna change
Everything still remains the same
I can't do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess I'll remain the same
Sittin' here resting my bones
And this loneliness won't leave me alone
It's two thousand miles I roamed
Just to make this dock my home
Now, I'm just gonna sit at the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Oooo-wee, sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Song...Three, of the musical tirade because I don't know how to spell the Spanish word for...three..
Guaranteed, Pearl Jam
On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup I ask silently
That all my destinations will accept the one thats me
So I can breathe
Circles they grow & they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
Got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes
Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Owning me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you
Everyone I come across in cages they bought
They think of me & my wandering but I'm never what they thought
Got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive
Wind in my hair I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead
Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite forever orbitting
I know all the rules but the rules did not know me
Guaranteed
On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup I ask silently
That all my destinations will accept the one thats me
So I can breathe
Circles they grow & they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
Got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes
Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Owning me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you
Everyone I come across in cages they bought
They think of me & my wandering but I'm never what they thought
Got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive
Wind in my hair I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead
Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite forever orbitting
I know all the rules but the rules did not know me
Guaranteed
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Song DOS of the lyrical tirade...
Wagon Wheel, Old Crow Medicine Show
Headed down south to the land of the pines
And I'm thumbin' my way into North Caroline
Starin' up the road
Pray to God I see headlights
I made it down the coast in seventeen hours
Pickin' me a bouquet of dogwood flowers
And I'm a hopin' for Raleigh
I can see my baby tonight
So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama any way you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me
Runnin' from the cold up in New England
I was born to be a fiddler in an old-time stringband
My baby plays the guitar
I pick a banjo now
Oh, the North country winters keep a gettin' me now
Lost my money playin' poker so I had to up and leave
But I ain't a turnin' back
To livin' that old life no more
So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama any way you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me
Walkin' to the south out of Roanoke
I caught a trucker out of Philly
Had a nice long toke
But he's a headed west from the Cumberland Gap
To Johnson City, Tennessee
And I gotta get a move on before the sun
I hear my baby callin' my name
And I know that she's the only one
And if I die in Raleigh
At least I will die free
So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama any way you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me
Headed down south to the land of the pines
And I'm thumbin' my way into North Caroline
Starin' up the road
Pray to God I see headlights
I made it down the coast in seventeen hours
Pickin' me a bouquet of dogwood flowers
And I'm a hopin' for Raleigh
I can see my baby tonight
So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama any way you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me
Runnin' from the cold up in New England
I was born to be a fiddler in an old-time stringband
My baby plays the guitar
I pick a banjo now
Oh, the North country winters keep a gettin' me now
Lost my money playin' poker so I had to up and leave
But I ain't a turnin' back
To livin' that old life no more
So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama any way you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me
Walkin' to the south out of Roanoke
I caught a trucker out of Philly
Had a nice long toke
But he's a headed west from the Cumberland Gap
To Johnson City, Tennessee
And I gotta get a move on before the sun
I hear my baby callin' my name
And I know that she's the only one
And if I die in Raleigh
At least I will die free
So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama any way you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Ohhhhhhh....and then there was the one where I recite lyrics...again...
So driving home tonight I set my Pandora to shuffle and, as per the usual, it played all the perfect songs. Since spring is ceasing to be sprung up here in Chicagoland, I refuse to participate in life. As a result, all forthcoming posts will be lyrical tirades from tonight's drive home...unless of course I happen to have something amazing and profound to expel upon you poor people until it's 68 degrees and sunny up here.
Song UNO: Counting Crows, Holiday In Spain
Got no place to go
But there's a girl waiting for me down in Mexico
She got a bottle of tequila, a bottle of gin
And if I bring a little music I could fit right in
We got airplane rides
We got California drowning out the window side
We've got big black cars
And we got stories how we slept with all the
Movie stars
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drink my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new
Hop on my choo-choo
I'll be your engine driver in a bunny suit
If you dress me up in pink and white
We may be just a little fuzzy 'bout it later tonight
She's my angel
She's a little better than the one that used to be with me
Cause she liked to scream at me
Man, it's a miracle that she's not living up in a tree
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drive this little girl insane
And fly away to someone new
Everybody's gone
They left the television screaming that the radio's on
Someone stole my shoes
But there's a couple of bananas
And a bottle of booze
Oh well, happy new year's baby!
We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day
Or we could simply pack our bags
And catch a plane to Barcelona 'cause this city's a drag
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Flush my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new
Take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drive this little girl insane
Fly away to someone new
Fly away to someone new
Fly away to someone new
Song UNO: Counting Crows, Holiday In Spain
Got no place to go
But there's a girl waiting for me down in Mexico
She got a bottle of tequila, a bottle of gin
And if I bring a little music I could fit right in
We got airplane rides
We got California drowning out the window side
We've got big black cars
And we got stories how we slept with all the
Movie stars
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drink my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new
Hop on my choo-choo
I'll be your engine driver in a bunny suit
If you dress me up in pink and white
We may be just a little fuzzy 'bout it later tonight
She's my angel
She's a little better than the one that used to be with me
Cause she liked to scream at me
Man, it's a miracle that she's not living up in a tree
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drive this little girl insane
And fly away to someone new
Everybody's gone
They left the television screaming that the radio's on
Someone stole my shoes
But there's a couple of bananas
And a bottle of booze
Oh well, happy new year's baby!
We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day
Or we could simply pack our bags
And catch a plane to Barcelona 'cause this city's a drag
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Flush my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new
Take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drive this little girl insane
Fly away to someone new
Fly away to someone new
Fly away to someone new
Monday, April 1, 2013
You Fucking Wrecked it All...
I've avoided posting this song for over a year. But here it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZqH4gggtCQ
Well lookin back when I met you, we were shiny, we were brand new
A couple kids who'd never been to town
It was a quart of beer, a paper sack, leave a penny on the railroad track
You let me steal a kiss from you when no one was around
Hangin out, hangin on to the night fore it was gone
Like we'd never see that parking lot again
We were sneakin in the picture show and pourin' bourbon in our coke
Aw and never seein' how the movie ends
And I thought that they might ride off in the sun
But you wrecked it all, you wrecked my heart
You wrecked our house and you wrecked my car
Left all the pieces scattered on the lawn
Caught up in your headlights
Well I was blindsided in plain sight
I'll salvage what I may when you're gone but you wrecked it all
Well on down the road we built our home out of bedsheets and Styrofoam
Hopin that the wind might never blow
And it's love or fight, everyday like a Tennessee Williams play
Not knowin how it ended when we signed on for the show
And I hoped that we might ride off in the sun
Life ain't what it was back then, someone smashed the windshield in
Well you never see it comin till it's knockin out your teeth
And it's the same Saturday, brand new Fords and Chevrolet's
Lined up like they never saw the likes of you and me
And I watched them as they drove off in the sun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZqH4gggtCQ
Well lookin back when I met you, we were shiny, we were brand new
A couple kids who'd never been to town
It was a quart of beer, a paper sack, leave a penny on the railroad track
You let me steal a kiss from you when no one was around
Hangin out, hangin on to the night fore it was gone
Like we'd never see that parking lot again
We were sneakin in the picture show and pourin' bourbon in our coke
Aw and never seein' how the movie ends
And I thought that they might ride off in the sun
But you wrecked it all, you wrecked my heart
You wrecked our house and you wrecked my car
Left all the pieces scattered on the lawn
Caught up in your headlights
Well I was blindsided in plain sight
I'll salvage what I may when you're gone but you wrecked it all
Well on down the road we built our home out of bedsheets and Styrofoam
Hopin that the wind might never blow
And it's love or fight, everyday like a Tennessee Williams play
Not knowin how it ended when we signed on for the show
And I hoped that we might ride off in the sun
Life ain't what it was back then, someone smashed the windshield in
Well you never see it comin till it's knockin out your teeth
And it's the same Saturday, brand new Fords and Chevrolet's
Lined up like they never saw the likes of you and me
And I watched them as they drove off in the sun
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Shit that reminds you of ME!...
So people like to post these really hilarious pictures on my Facebook wall. Well, they aren't actually all that hilarious unless you know me because as it happens, each and every one of them is very much an accurate portrayal of, well, ME! Here's a minor compilation of some of the things posted on my wall with a message that either says, "Made me think of you!!!" or "THIS IS SOOOOOOO YOU!!!". Enjoy, bitches!
With tits as big as mine, the bra stays on, but fuck pants. Pants, my friends, are bullshit.
Because we're Irish and German and Awesome. It's like the epitome of all mutts.
Every. Fucking. Day.
I had a table go through an entire expo pan, that's a whole fucking BAG, of ranch once. I also have had 20 minutes on a kid's pasta-there's no MEAT on that!
Because some people love you no matter how disconnected your friendship has become.
Because asshole's like to pick on my teams. :P
They are nice boobs. I can't blame you people for loving them.
Well...yeah.
Bahahahaha....HA!
Because I am a classy ass bitch.
Proud. Always so proud when they spew Momma.
Brackets and beer, bitches.
I think this EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Surf and turf. Inspired by yours truly because I'm classy as fuck...well, at least I have good taste anyway.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
There's A Spring Time Ahead...
If you follow me on Facebook you have heard me refer, occasionally, to someone dubbed "the sexiest man alive". If you follow me on Facebook, you've read and probably come to your own, pretty accurate, conclusion of me and my life (the shit you guys post on my wall with the message, "this made me think of you!", tells me that). If you follow me on Facebook, you see the occasional links to this blog I post and have probably read a few of my posts over the last 4 years. If you follow me on Facebook, you probably have an opinion of me that was based upon reflection of the language I use, the judgements I make and the grace with which I accept my life for what it is.
The sexiest man alive came over last night. He walked in, kissed my face, grabbed a beer and said something like, "I have something for you". I smiled because, well, this was a first, and said something like, "Oh yeah?...What?" His response will forever be a favorite of mine, for all time..."I made you a mixed tape." He handed me a shiny CD in a nice, clear case. I thanked him and set it down, planning to listen to it in my own time. He looked at me and said something to the tune of, "Or we can listen to it now." So, we did. And upon the start of the first track I said, "You made me an Eddie CD!!!"
See, the night (or morning, rather because it WAS 1:30am) prior I had sent him a message that said, "I just fell in love with Eddie Vedder". Eddie is the sexiest man alive's favorite. Ever. And while I've always enjoyed Pearl Jam (in fact, one of their songs, which TSMA included on this disc, is one of my favorite songs ever), I was never a fanatic of them or their leading man. So, upon him knowing that, he made me an entire CD of Eddie songs and told me he picked them each because he thought that I would like every one of them.
It's kind of funny how he was right. I do like each and every one of them. I like them all differently, though. If I don't love the music and the lyrics, I like one or the other on each an every track. So, I present to you, the track listing. My favorites (or at least my favorites while I'm 4 glasses of cabernet in) are denoted with the ever popular (and sometimes dreaded) astrisk.
Eddie, From The Sexiest Man Alive
1 Wasted Reprise- Pearl Jam
2 Angel-Pearl Jam
3 Setting Forth- Eddie Vedder*
4 Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town-Pearl Jam**
5 North Country-Eddie Vedder
6 No More-Eddie Vedder with Ben Harper
7 Thumbing My Way-Pearl Jam **
8 No Ceiling-Eddie Vedder*
9 Trouble-Pearl Jam
10 Far Behind-Eddie Vedder*
11 Rise-Eddie Vedder*
12 Marker In The Sand-Pearl Jam*
13 Hard Sun-Eddie Vedder
14 Forever Young-Eddie Vedder
15 Footsteps-Pearl Jam*
16 Low Light-Pearl Jam
17 Man Of The Hour-Pearl Jam
18 Inside Job-Pearl Jam*
19 The End-Pearl Jam*
20 Guaranteed-Eddie Vedder*
I'm pretty sure StL Mom and Dad will love this.
The sexiest man alive came over last night. He walked in, kissed my face, grabbed a beer and said something like, "I have something for you". I smiled because, well, this was a first, and said something like, "Oh yeah?...What?" His response will forever be a favorite of mine, for all time..."I made you a mixed tape." He handed me a shiny CD in a nice, clear case. I thanked him and set it down, planning to listen to it in my own time. He looked at me and said something to the tune of, "Or we can listen to it now." So, we did. And upon the start of the first track I said, "You made me an Eddie CD!!!"
See, the night (or morning, rather because it WAS 1:30am) prior I had sent him a message that said, "I just fell in love with Eddie Vedder". Eddie is the sexiest man alive's favorite. Ever. And while I've always enjoyed Pearl Jam (in fact, one of their songs, which TSMA included on this disc, is one of my favorite songs ever), I was never a fanatic of them or their leading man. So, upon him knowing that, he made me an entire CD of Eddie songs and told me he picked them each because he thought that I would like every one of them.
It's kind of funny how he was right. I do like each and every one of them. I like them all differently, though. If I don't love the music and the lyrics, I like one or the other on each an every track. So, I present to you, the track listing. My favorites (or at least my favorites while I'm 4 glasses of cabernet in) are denoted with the ever popular (and sometimes dreaded) astrisk.
Eddie, From The Sexiest Man Alive
1 Wasted Reprise- Pearl Jam
2 Angel-Pearl Jam
3 Setting Forth- Eddie Vedder*
4 Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town-Pearl Jam**
5 North Country-Eddie Vedder
6 No More-Eddie Vedder with Ben Harper
7 Thumbing My Way-Pearl Jam **
8 No Ceiling-Eddie Vedder*
9 Trouble-Pearl Jam
10 Far Behind-Eddie Vedder*
11 Rise-Eddie Vedder*
12 Marker In The Sand-Pearl Jam*
13 Hard Sun-Eddie Vedder
14 Forever Young-Eddie Vedder
15 Footsteps-Pearl Jam*
16 Low Light-Pearl Jam
17 Man Of The Hour-Pearl Jam
18 Inside Job-Pearl Jam*
19 The End-Pearl Jam*
20 Guaranteed-Eddie Vedder*
I'm pretty sure StL Mom and Dad will love this.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Love is Searching, too...
I heard this song tonight that played on Pandora while I was surfing aimlessly and decorating a home I don't own shopping away my lonliness online. It just, kind of...nicely and simply summed up a lot of the thoughts I've been struggling with the last couple of years. Enjoy.
True Love Will Find You In The End
Beck
True love will find you in the end
You'll find out just who was your friend
Don't be sad, I know you will
But don't give up until
True love will find you in the end
This is a promise with a catch
Only if you're looking will it find you
'Cause true love is searching too
But how can it recognize you?
Unless you step out into the light
Don't be sad, I know you will
Don't give up until
True love finds you in the end
True love will find you in the end
You'll find out just who was your friend
So don't be sad, I know you will
And don't give up until
True love finds you in the end
True love will find you in the end
True love will find you in the end
True Love Will Find You In The End
Beck
True love will find you in the end
You'll find out just who was your friend
Don't be sad, I know you will
But don't give up until
True love will find you in the end
This is a promise with a catch
Only if you're looking will it find you
'Cause true love is searching too
But how can it recognize you?
Unless you step out into the light
Don't be sad, I know you will
Don't give up until
True love finds you in the end
True love will find you in the end
You'll find out just who was your friend
So don't be sad, I know you will
And don't give up until
True love finds you in the end
True love will find you in the end
True love will find you in the end
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