I realized something a couple of months ago that I, for whatever reason, have tried to ignore. I don't know if it's because I'm...afraid...of what it might mean or if its because I thought it was too good to be true or if it was because I was hoping I was wrong. Either way, what I know after the last couple of months of thinking this and waiting to see if it disappeared, or if I was wrong, is that...well...I wasn't.
I can remember, from the time I was very young, always having this feeling in the deepest parts of my soul that I was unsatisfied with life. The only way I have ever really been able to describe it is as a 'restlessness'. There was always something I felt in my heart that was just...off. I felt it with my ex-husband for...most of our relationship, really. I felt it with the man I dated after him, and I always shared that with him. I've felt it whenever I have been alone. Something was always just...off.
What I realized in the last couple of months is that the restless feeling that has always been so present in my heart and so persistent in influencing my thoughts, has disappeared. I didn't even know it had happened until it just...occurred to me that I hadn't felt that way in a really long time.
I think I know why all those demons I always felt right below the surface have left. I think that's why it scares me so much. I thought that someday I would find someone and once I did those feelings would disappear. I've had men in my life tell me that would never change; that there wasn't anyone on this planet that could affect me enough and dig a place deep enough in my heart for me to emotionally, mentally and physically be okay with who I am and how I feel. That no matter what, I was destined to be 'restless, unloved and unhappy'. Sadly, I believed that was true.
I am afraid to divulge too much about how all of this makes me feel because in all honesty, it scares the shit out of me and also because I feel like if I blink or believe, it will all disappear. I'm still afraid to put myself out there; to become vulnerable. I still believe in 'guarding my heart because all life flows through it'. I still believe people can turn out to be everything you never thought they would and can throw the love you felt so deeply away and never even pause to think about the way in which they've hurt you.
So, I don't know...I am still processing all of this over the months I've felt it, but...I know something big has changed in the deepest parts of who I have always been...a good change. I just hope its here to stay. I guess maybe that's how it happens, though. I think these things come at a time when you really never thought they would, a time when you weren't prepared, weren't looking and were set on just living your life in a constant state of disappointment and settling for less than you wanted. And then one day someone walks in and sits down at the bar and your world...shifts...into a place that is exactly what you always hoped it would be.
I'm afraid to even click the 'publish' link and make all these thoughts known to the very small population that reads my blog. Somehow doing that is like saying something and then having to knock on wood after doing so. But I guess that's the risk we take with any matter of the heart. No matter the walls we build and the ways we try to reinforce them, someone, at some point in time, will knock them down and leave you breathless. This isn't always a bad thing.
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