Shit my kids have said/done...

The first installment...

I just farted and it burned, Mom. Like, REALLY. BURNED. -Emma

(While watching X-Men 3) Momma, this is the best love story I've ever seen. Wolverine loves her so much, he kills her! -Logan

Mom, when I get older I am going to drive a semi. And I'll let you ride next to me, but you'd better not touch my radio. -Ryan

Mom, I love you more than my birthday toys. I love you more than anything. -Logan

Mom? I wish my ears were detachable. That way, I wouldn't have to listen to screaming kids. I'd be like, "ACTIVATE EARS!!!" -Emma

CODE RED! CODE RED! Yugoslavia has entered the building. Please remain silent! -Emma

Ryan: Mom, who is your favorite super hero?
Me:Ummmm...I don't think I can make it just one, but I would chose Batman, Wolverine and Ironman...who are yours?
R: Bullseye, Daredevil, Wolverine, Professor X and The Joker.
figures he leads and ends with the bad guy...

I made beef stroganoff for dinner tonight and put peas in it because by some weird twist in the universe, my daughter loves and will eat by the bowl, peas. I can't stand the things and there are only about 5 things in the world I have tried and didn't like (NO DICK JOKES). Anyway, after she finished her dinner I promised a scoop of ice cream for dessert. As she was walking out of the kitchen, ice cream in hand, she stopped at the leftover bowl of peas on the counter, grabbed the giant serving spoon, looked at me and said, "I just need one more bite of this deliciousness before I have to eat this ice cream." What kind of freak did I birth???

Logan: Mom, the speed limit is 90.
Me: No, Logan, that BLUE sign is the name of the highway. The WHITE sign is the speed limit.
Logan: I was looking at your speedometer, MOM. IT says you're going 90.
Me:...ummmm...well played, Son. Well played.

One of the 3 mongrels: Mom, what did the orange say to the banana?
Me: I don't know what?
Whichever Mongrel was speaking: PEEL!
Me: That isn't even funny! And it doesn't make sense.
Mongrel: Your face is funny, though and it makes me laugh.
Me: Awesome.