Cry Love...

Back in March I started this post. After talking to a friend today I decided to finish it.

A moment of steel
A dry-eyed house
Did he say goodbye to you
Or did you kick him out

When I couldn't find a way to make you love me the way I deserve to be loved, I dug very deep down, after years of trying and many months of contemplating, and I asked (again) for a divorce. I don't feel I kicked you out. I feel you quit on our marriage and on loving me long before it came to that point. Even once I made the final push and told you I was finally done, you didn't even try to keep me around.

I know you're not afraid
To go alone
But this was a marriage of spirit, flesh, and bone

My love for you was very real. Very true. Very deep. I wanted to be everything to you that you were to me. I had my entire heart beating for you. For our life. For our marriage. I never, ever, felt you loved me that way. I felt that way because of your neglect of me on anything other than a very surface level. So I was always emotionally and physically alone.

Now whatcha gonna do
When the planet shifts
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna slit your wrists
Bleed all over the milky way
The stars in your eyes look red today

I spent a lot of years very depressed because I couldn't figure out why you didn't love me. Why I wasn't worthy of being treated like a princess. Why wasn't I enough? Where did I fall short that when I said it was over, you wouldn't even try to love me better???

Cry love, cry love
The tears of an angel
The tears of a dove
Spilling all over, your heart from above
Cry love, cry love


I feel like it was all a joke. Like the little boy that cried, 'Wolf!'. Was any part of it real? You acted as if this was all so easy for me. I never wanted a failed marriage. I wanted a man to love me.

The trust of a woman in his hand
But he was a little boy, not a man
You loved him stronger than he could feel
Yeah he was wrapped up in himself like an orange peel

I walked down the aisle with you and I gave you my heart, my love and my trust. And you abused it. You neglected it. You took it for granted, never accepted it and never appreciated it. You wrecked it and whats worse, is I let you.

Now whatcha gonna do
With the booze and the blush
Whatcha gonna do
When there's no rush
Cop a little misery
At the corner store
Well' one day that train of pain won't stop no more

I am recovering from everything you did to me. And I know, I know it wasn't intentional. I know you just are who you are and I believe we never were a good match. I know you are a good man. I know you love our children. You just weren't a good husband for me. But I am recovering. I am learning my worth as a woman. I am finding my thoughts, emotions and interests hold value.

Throwing up ashes on the floor
If this is a lesson in love
Well what's it for?
The heart will remember
The burning fire
The next time you feel the flame
Of desire

So why were we together for so long? More than a third of my life, thus far. Was it a lesson in love? Why? Why should anyone have to go through that and come out as damaged, broken and lonely as I am? And now my hurt is turning into anger. I am so angry. I was a good woman and while I see some of that woman left in me, I want to know how I will ever be as good to another man as I was to you. I feel like you broke me. You ran me through the wringer and now I am garbage and will never be good for anyone. While I think I will recognize it when I find a man that loves me, I know for damn sure my heart will remember the pain and lonliness and neglect that came along with it. And I don't know if I will be able to let him in. And that really sucks for him and sucks even more for me because I have earned the privilege of being loved. Being truly loved. Cared for. Appreciated.

So now I rebuild. I hope that I find a way to heal and learn to be accepting of the idea that someone can love me, treat me well and want me for who I am. I think that I'll make it. Amazingly enough, when I search my heart I know that I am less cynical than I once was. I know I am more open, positive and fearless than I was, and about a lot of things. Life gave me that. Living and feeling life as it came, gave me that. But love scares me. The only reason I keep holding on to that, is that I know being scared? That's not the same as being afraid. But thats a whooooollllle 'nother topic.

Dear Dad...

I am amazed by some of the things that remind me of you. What's more amazing are the things that send me into a sudden panic of overwhelming emotion as I remember I won't ever hear your voice again. I won't ever be sitting in a room with you watching tv and you'll randomly reach out your hand, index finger pointed and wait for me to touch my finger to yours.

Emma made me a bracelet today. It has her name on it. She gave it to me because the necklace she made me for Mother's Day this year gets caught up on things at work and she wanted me to have something special that reminds me of her when I can't be with her. I have stickers the boys gave me that I keep on my serving book. She is so beautiful, Dad. And wonderfully thoughtful and considerate. She is growing up so fast and the days where I sat for weeks rocking her in that awful green recliner at CHW long gone. She is unbelievably smart. And so observant. And when she laughs my whole heart swells with pride at this intelligent, charming, funny, beautiful little girl I've made. She is amazing, Dad, and I know you'd be so proud of the little woman she is becoming.

I miss you sometimes when I look at her. You and I went through so much, through her.

I wish you knew Ryan and Logan more. They were so little when you died. Ryan has a smile that just floors me. He LOVES car and trucks and he has one of the best imaginations ever. He is becoming very acclimated to the water. I wish you could see the way he jumps into the pool now; fearless. He will do just about anything to make someone laugh-regardless of the possible consequences for inappropriate behavior. You'd love it. Remember when you taught him to put things in his pockets, but didn't tell me you'd done so and for about a month I couldn't figure out why I was constantly finding rocks and woodchips and paper clips and melted crayons in my dryer? He still does that, but now its HotWheels cars, golf balls, spy watches and coins. I know enough now to always check his pockets.

Logan. Sweet, Logan. He is a riot. You never knew anything about him, really. He was just a baby. He is...amazing, just as Emma and Ryan are. He is seriously convinced that he is Spiderman and that I am a super hero, too. His eyes are little pools of love that I drown in. He approaches life head on. He says, 'hello' to strangers, runs with the big kids on the playground and says THE darnedest things. He will descend a staircase holding my hand and when he gets to the 3 to last step he will stop and say, "A one, a two, a 3, 4, 5, 6!" and jump to the landing below. I see God's love through that little boy every day.

I wish you were here to know them. To see them grow. They are my legacy, all I have. I am so proud of them. They are all so unbelievably smart. They're funny. They're sweet, loving and kind.

I miss you. I feel so alone without you. You and I shared so many things, personality wise, that I don't share with anyone else. Some of my favorite things about myself I shared with you. Its difficult to appreciate them now that you're not here. I hope that heaven is a place where you can see how wonderful your grandkids are; see how happy they make me.

Missing you is the hardest thing in my life. Out of all the dad's in the world, I'm so glad God gave me you.

Happy Father's Day.

Love,
KB

I Don't Make ANY Sense These Days...

I always wanted to be THAT woman that THOSE men fell in love with. You know the girl. Like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's. The one with those quirky-awesome personality traits that she doesn't even realize she possesses. I wanted to be smart and witty and irrestitably mysterious and never realize how amazingly beautiful I was. The woman men like Billy Joel write about. The fact of the matter is, I am so not Audrey Hepburn or Christie Brinkley. I always thought I would have a man like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.

Wait. Wait. WAIT. Backup. I am not comparing 2 hookers to the woman I wanted to be and that's just wrong. I didn't want to be a hooker. I just...I guess I always had this view of who I was going to be and who I was going to be with in my head. When I made the decision to divorce my husband and make a new, better life for myself I saw myself finally growing into the form of this woman I had been aspiring to be for so long. And then I saw myself with a man that saw and appreciated all that growth and struggle and journey I had been on to become her. I thought that I would meet a few men, hate their lack of things I knew I needed or wanted, become bored and move on.

I didn't think I would meet someone immediately that listened to what I said, admired me when I was doing simple things. Someone that saw me as all the things I wanted to be seen as and did it in such a way that you never once thought he was anything but genuine and sincere in his actions and thoughts.

The horrible part of it is that I met that man and I am too damaged and too lost in a horrible sea of self laothing that I can't be for him all the things I wanted to be. I need time to be independent. Time to take care of myself. Time to date and learn and be so sure of everything I want in a man that when I see it staring me in the fucking face I do everything I can to keep it and him in my life. I need to live alone (with my kids, obviously, but apart from a man). I need to see myself as all the things I always wanted to be (or at least appreciate the woman I am, regardless of who exactly that woman may be) and then I can maybe be enough for someone else.

What I defintely do not want is to be the woman that defines herself by the man she's with. I am not her. But I want to be the woman a man hopes to define himself through.