Cry Love...

Back in March I started this post. After talking to a friend today I decided to finish it.

A moment of steel
A dry-eyed house
Did he say goodbye to you
Or did you kick him out

When I couldn't find a way to make you love me the way I deserve to be loved, I dug very deep down, after years of trying and many months of contemplating, and I asked (again) for a divorce. I don't feel I kicked you out. I feel you quit on our marriage and on loving me long before it came to that point. Even once I made the final push and told you I was finally done, you didn't even try to keep me around.

I know you're not afraid
To go alone
But this was a marriage of spirit, flesh, and bone

My love for you was very real. Very true. Very deep. I wanted to be everything to you that you were to me. I had my entire heart beating for you. For our life. For our marriage. I never, ever, felt you loved me that way. I felt that way because of your neglect of me on anything other than a very surface level. So I was always emotionally and physically alone.

Now whatcha gonna do
When the planet shifts
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna slit your wrists
Bleed all over the milky way
The stars in your eyes look red today

I spent a lot of years very depressed because I couldn't figure out why you didn't love me. Why I wasn't worthy of being treated like a princess. Why wasn't I enough? Where did I fall short that when I said it was over, you wouldn't even try to love me better???

Cry love, cry love
The tears of an angel
The tears of a dove
Spilling all over, your heart from above
Cry love, cry love


I feel like it was all a joke. Like the little boy that cried, 'Wolf!'. Was any part of it real? You acted as if this was all so easy for me. I never wanted a failed marriage. I wanted a man to love me.

The trust of a woman in his hand
But he was a little boy, not a man
You loved him stronger than he could feel
Yeah he was wrapped up in himself like an orange peel

I walked down the aisle with you and I gave you my heart, my love and my trust. And you abused it. You neglected it. You took it for granted, never accepted it and never appreciated it. You wrecked it and whats worse, is I let you.

Now whatcha gonna do
With the booze and the blush
Whatcha gonna do
When there's no rush
Cop a little misery
At the corner store
Well' one day that train of pain won't stop no more

I am recovering from everything you did to me. And I know, I know it wasn't intentional. I know you just are who you are and I believe we never were a good match. I know you are a good man. I know you love our children. You just weren't a good husband for me. But I am recovering. I am learning my worth as a woman. I am finding my thoughts, emotions and interests hold value.

Throwing up ashes on the floor
If this is a lesson in love
Well what's it for?
The heart will remember
The burning fire
The next time you feel the flame
Of desire

So why were we together for so long? More than a third of my life, thus far. Was it a lesson in love? Why? Why should anyone have to go through that and come out as damaged, broken and lonely as I am? And now my hurt is turning into anger. I am so angry. I was a good woman and while I see some of that woman left in me, I want to know how I will ever be as good to another man as I was to you. I feel like you broke me. You ran me through the wringer and now I am garbage and will never be good for anyone. While I think I will recognize it when I find a man that loves me, I know for damn sure my heart will remember the pain and lonliness and neglect that came along with it. And I don't know if I will be able to let him in. And that really sucks for him and sucks even more for me because I have earned the privilege of being loved. Being truly loved. Cared for. Appreciated.

So now I rebuild. I hope that I find a way to heal and learn to be accepting of the idea that someone can love me, treat me well and want me for who I am. I think that I'll make it. Amazingly enough, when I search my heart I know that I am less cynical than I once was. I know I am more open, positive and fearless than I was, and about a lot of things. Life gave me that. Living and feeling life as it came, gave me that. But love scares me. The only reason I keep holding on to that, is that I know being scared? That's not the same as being afraid. But thats a whooooollllle 'nother topic.