She Balls Make Me Awesome...

So recently I received a phone call from a man I have known since I was probably about 7 or 8 years old. My dad met him when we first moved to IL and had started a new job here. His wife, JMK (whom I always treated me like a 'grown-up' and I love her so very dearly for that) and their 2 kids quickly became family to mine.  As a kid I spent A LOT of time at their house with my family. I don't recall what year it was, but they moved about 3 hours away at some point and we saw them less and less until eventually, as often happens, we lost track of each other.

When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I thought it only right to track his friend, John, down and let him know of dad's diagnosis. We spoke occasionally after that about the truth of dad's condition, as when John would talk to my dad on the phone, there was no doubt in his mind my dad wasn't letting on the full truth of the severity and aggressiveness of his disease. I think John knew I wouldn't bullshit him. When dad's cancer eventually took his life, I think it was me that called to tell John and Joanie, but in all honesty, I don't recall too many details about what happened the week following his death. In any event, John came up for dad's service and gave a speech that moved everyone to tears.

So, what does this sad, sappy, love-filled story have to do with big, brass, balls, you ask? Well, if you knew my dad, and in particular if you watched him suffer through the cancer and not ONCE complain, you would know he had manly cajones. No doubt. Maybe stainless-steel ones at that. If you didn't know my dad, but you know a member of the Patterson clan, you are familiar with the kind of strength and courage I am referring to. We're a tough, badass bunch of m-effers because we have to be. Life hasn't always been kind to us, but like John told me last week, " Life is about taking shit . And learning how to put up with it and know you're better than that." And he's right. Life is definitely about taking shit and learning from it.


Going through the divorce process, trying to be true to myself and trying like hell to be as fair and kind as I can to my husband in the process (because I am first to admit, the last 2 months haven't been at all fair or kind to him and I think he's doing the best he can to deal, though he is currently behaving like a real ass like a man that's hurt and lashing out) is causing me to question the size, weight and chemical make-up of my female cajones. I am hurting. I have been hurting for a long time. The decision to divorce my husband alleviated a lot of that hurt I had been feeling for so long. This hurt right now is a different kind of hurt and I think unless you have been in a position like mine you can't relate. You won't understand. I really don't expect anyone to understand and as my pastor and friend recently told me, what you or anyone else thinks about me isn't my business. That said...my big brass balls have shrunk a bit. 


Knowing I have been a bit of a whiny, sissy, baby as of late, I was delightfully surprised and appreciative when my phone rang last week and I heard John's voice on the other end. Our conversation went something like this, and forgive the language, but us badass m-effers curse like truckers...ya know, cause that's what badass m-effers do and stuff.


Me: Hello?
John: What the hell is going on? Are you going soft on me? Don't go soft on me. 
Me: Well, ya know, I'm a little stressed out right now, dude! I know I'm being a whiny bitch!
John: You are hardcore. Don't lose that edge! Stay tough. 
Me: I'm trying, I'm trying. This stuff is tough, though and I feel like I am losing it!
John: I'd tell ya to grow a pair, but you've got the biggest ones on any girl I know.
Me >>>laughing boisterously<<<: OK. I'll get my shit together.


We talked for a few more minutes and then hung up. His phone call was exactly what I needed to remember where I get my strength and courage from.  And even if I don't like running in the cold, wet, wind and rain, I still have the biggest, heaviest, brassiest she-balls around, damnit.

Thursdays with Meredith...Denial...

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing... Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?" -Meredith

Thursdays With Meredith...

I am going to start something of a feature here at And So It Goes... I am a longtime fan of Grey's Anatomy and every episode I find myself loving something Meredith has said. Most of the things I love are part of her narration but not always. Anyway, at the risk of becoming what I call a "trendy blogger", I present to you, "Thursday's With Meredith". Maybe I will even start referring to it as TWM and then, like PINT with @Kristin_OPC you will all know exactly what it is. OOOHHH!!! Maybe I will go one step further and hash tag it. #TWM #WIN

Ok, I am straying. I have 2 followers and they're both going to read this and laugh. And then JMK is going to call her husband in the room and go, "Our adopted daughter is blogging not only about her love for bad tv, but her big, brass, balls again." (Yeah, I haven't mentioned those yet, but you just wait. That will be a fun post.)

So, I know it's not Thursday and I will have another post tomorrow with a different quote, but this one is just too good not to share right now. This is from last weeks episode, spoken during narration by Meredith. Sometimes I may share my thoughts on the quote (cause you all know how I like to jabber), but I think this is clear enough. I think sometimes people that don't spend a lot of time with their kids forget how they have become the breath and life of a mother's existence.

"You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart; that will take your life and light it up or destroy it. Then you become a mother."

And another thing that makes me happy...

A friend on Facebook recently posted a GREAT list of things that make her happy. They included watching ice cubes melt as hot water is poured over them (who doesn' t love those swirls?!), ice cubes clinking against the side of a ceramic cup, and a few other randomly-wonderful little things we so often don't give a second thought to. Others commented with some of their favorite things, too. Someone listed walking up the concourse at a ballpark and taking it all in as you reach the walkway. This is definitely something I love to experience every time I'm at Wrigley. Someone else listed new socks. Totally agree. I wrote, "making fingers with my toes in the carpet"...

Any-random-thought-later, I really started think about these little things that we love that I think are so uniquely specific to each of us. Or perhaps they make us all a little bit nuts but what the hell? As I am accentuating the positive in my life these days, I figured I would give it a try!

I love those moments in the morning when my coffee is hot, my kids are still asleep, my house is quiet and the sun is just starting to peek up over the house behind mine. Those exact circumstances only occur about twice a year, but I live for those moments!

The way a freshly sharpened knife cuts through a tomato. Odd, I know, but I hate a dull chefs knife and I HATE when it refuses to slice a tomato without mashing in the top.

The sound of whipped cream coming out of the can.

The way baggy sweat pants envelope my legs on a cold, dark, dreary fall day. Paired with the perfect hoodie while sprawled out on the couch on a Sunday watching football and I am in heaven.

The scent, feel and sight of a bonfire on a crisp, mid-west, fall night. There's just something sexy about this to me.

The way water and oil don't mix in a puddle after it rains.

A fresh stack of printer paper. Crisp, white, flat and clean-smelling.

The smell of salt as you approach the ocean. You can smell it before you can see it and it is a smell that awakens every one of my senses and puts my heart at ease.

Baby toes. This may make me more happy than the ocean. Baby toes make me happy enough to bring tears to my eyes. I don't know why they do, but they do. More than baby smell, which is also amazing. Something about those tiny, wrinkled, curled toes makes me appreciate God, life and new beginnings.

Compared to the poetic way in which my friend on Facebook listed her happy-thoughts, my list is short, pathetic and definitely un-poetic. Her list; however, has made me more aware of the things that happen in my daily life that make my heart soar, if even for just a few seconds.

When People Bring You Down...

So I got some news today that my husband is going to do everything he can to make my starting a life without him impossible-even if that means it hurts our kids. His logic for this is that if I hadn't chosen to divorce him, none of this would be happening and that somehow justifies his behaving like a child that hasn't gotten his way. So be it. That's ok. I knew going in this wasn't going to be easy by far. So I'll just keep going, trying to move forward. My plan to keep my head from exploding is simple: I will find something every day to mark in my head as something in my life I am happy with. Simple enough, right? We'll see!

Today I am happy for my beautiful children. That is true every day, yes. But today I am especially happy to have them. We sat on the couch and watched the Bears game. We laughed. We goofed around. We ate popcorn and I am making chili for dinner. Making chili makes me happy, too. I make it differently every time. My mom makes me happy. My family, even when fighting, makes me happy.

That's it. That's all I got today. But I think it's a start.

'Nuff Said...

Piano Song
Heartless Bastards

You cannot take anything away from me
My spirit won't break cause there's nothing left you see
You wanna take your poison arrow and pierce it through
My heart
But no sad songs for the sparrow because I was dead
Right from the start
I got strength in my mind, I got strength in my soul
And I will never fit, fit into a mold
Because oh I know me better than you will ever know
So why don't you just leave me
Please leave me alone
Time it takes it's toll but at least I still got my soul
And there's nothing you can do to change that
That's just the way it is
This wells run dry cause I bled right from the start

And so it DOES, indeed, go...

And so my middle child turned 4 today. I feel he has been the most cheated. From what I hear this is typical for middle children. He was just 3 months old when I became pregnant with my youngest. I feel the distraction of being pregnant, the timing of it all, made his baby time less clear to me. He was a beautiful baby, as all my kids were of course. I remember with him in particular, our pediatrician telling me during a regular check-up, that Ryan could be a Gerber baby and then looking at me and saying, "I see a LOT of babies. I have 5 of my own. He is TRULY gorgeous." He really is.

He starts his 2nd year of pre-school at 9:15 tomorrow morning. I am excited for him. He is such a stubborn child. He does things his way. It doesn't matter what anyone tells him the outcome will be. He gets frustrated easily. He tells me often I am the most beautiful momma he has. He believe it, too. He is considerate to his siblings, even when they don't deserve it. He LOVES cars, trucks, tractors, trailers, boats, wave runners...it has a motor he LOVES it. Gets that from his daddy and Papa.

I am so not prepared to be the mother of a kindergartner, a pre-schooler and a toddler. Whoa. Life happened awful quickly for me. I need some time for it to slow down. Re-group. Re-formulate. Especially with the marital affairs taking place.

I recently posted a very heartfelt blog post regarding the marital affairs and later deleted it because I believe it caused my husband a lot of pain.  I know my choice has cause him a lot of pain and will continue to do so until he can realize it is what is right for me is right for our kids as well. I cannot have my daughter growing up believing un-happiness is normal. In the same respect I cannot have my sons growing up believing the way they see their father "appreciating" me is an acceptable way to treat a woman. I don't believe life doesn't have its challenges, marriage is a breeze and everything turns up daisies, but for the love of God what does a woman have to do to be heard? To be given flowers? To be made to feel like her existence is almost too much for a man to handle? I do not believe these are unreal expectations when you're talking marriage, folks!!!

So, I am feeling...different...as my son starts his 2nd (he will have to also have a 3rd year of pre-school because I failed to meet the Sept. 1st deadline with my delivery of him) year of pre-school. I want him to learn. I want him to expand his imagination. I want him and my other 2 kids to feel that everyday is truly a gift and if we can spend it making our dreams more of a realization while pleasing the people we love than it is a day well spent in God's eyes, our lives and our health.

Happy Birthday, Ryan. The day you were born I called my OB with a headache, sinus infection and general shitty disposition on life! She asked me to come in to be checked and told me I was dilated 6cm with you and if I made it across the street to the hospital without my water breaking it'd be a miracle. I did make it. She broke my water and a couple hours later you entered your dad's and my life. We love you. So much. That day was also the first day I saw my dad in over 6 months. He was sober, 4 months. You have a sobriety coin from him in your bank. You, Emma and Momma gave him a life he never knew existed.

We love you, Big Bubs.

Always Yours,
Momma (and Daddy)