Well tonight's episode pissed me off. It was lame, uninspirational, predictable and ridiculously pathetic. As I watch a clip of one of my favorite characters, who was killed off tonight, rock his newborn infant in the dark, I pray it ends with a decent conclusion from Meredith. If not, I'll be listening to Dancing In The Dark and thinking about my dad as I fall asleep tonight (story for another day).
"You never really stop feeling the loss. It's what makes things so bittersweet. We leave little bits of ourselves behind...little reminders...a lifetime of memories, phontos, trinkets...things to rember us by. Even when we're gone."
This show kills me with its relevance to my emotional state...regardless of when I happen to catch an episode.
Happy Season 9, bitches!!!
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Love Shouldn't Be Anything Less Than Lightning In A Bottle...
"The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little."
I came across this today while reading quotes on destiny and love, ideas I have long doubted have any business being used in respect to one another. It seems to me, and this is just my thought process on the fly here, that IF there is one person out there that is truly 'perfect' for you (and I use that term very loosely here. Nobody is perfect. We all know that.) and that is meant to be that you would just...know it. It would be a feeling that was instant. Overwhelming. Like being struck by lightening. I don't mean love at first sight, because that's crap. But I would think it would happen fairly soon after spending some time together. That there would be enough similarities, likes, interest, laughs, physical attrativeness to set that voice of God off in your head that screams, 'HEY!!! This is the person I created for you! To fit you! To walk through life with you and love you the way I meant for people to love one another. Love him back, cherish him, hold him and be grateful you found him!'
I feel like if that something in my brain doesn't go off, then I am settling for something that isn't everything. And I vowed to never do that after my divorce. It isn't that I can't buckle down and give myself to someone. I know I can. I want all the pieces to fit, even if there are a few rough edges. I want be on fire for someone all the way. I've never had that feeling, though. I loved my husband, but it never felt totally fullfilling. I love a lot of things about the man I am with now, but again, I feel something is missing there, too. I don't mean disatisfaction with my life, either. I mean the relationships specifically. I think that if the relationship is meant to be, the other crap is weatherable together.
So I am spending a lot of time lately wondering about this concept of 'love and destiny'. My cousin is getting married 2wks from today. I know her story. I know her history with men in general and with this man she's going to spend the rest of her life with. Since I do know all that, I do believe that this man is actually the one. I know what they've sacrificed to be together. They spent YEARS half a country apart, dated other people and had given up on finding love. Then love brought them back together. I LOVE their story. I admire it. I even envy it. I believe in it whole heartedly. So I guess it does happen. I just haven't gotten to it yet for myself.
I came across this today while reading quotes on destiny and love, ideas I have long doubted have any business being used in respect to one another. It seems to me, and this is just my thought process on the fly here, that IF there is one person out there that is truly 'perfect' for you (and I use that term very loosely here. Nobody is perfect. We all know that.) and that is meant to be that you would just...know it. It would be a feeling that was instant. Overwhelming. Like being struck by lightening. I don't mean love at first sight, because that's crap. But I would think it would happen fairly soon after spending some time together. That there would be enough similarities, likes, interest, laughs, physical attrativeness to set that voice of God off in your head that screams, 'HEY!!! This is the person I created for you! To fit you! To walk through life with you and love you the way I meant for people to love one another. Love him back, cherish him, hold him and be grateful you found him!'
I feel like if that something in my brain doesn't go off, then I am settling for something that isn't everything. And I vowed to never do that after my divorce. It isn't that I can't buckle down and give myself to someone. I know I can. I want all the pieces to fit, even if there are a few rough edges. I want be on fire for someone all the way. I've never had that feeling, though. I loved my husband, but it never felt totally fullfilling. I love a lot of things about the man I am with now, but again, I feel something is missing there, too. I don't mean disatisfaction with my life, either. I mean the relationships specifically. I think that if the relationship is meant to be, the other crap is weatherable together.
So I am spending a lot of time lately wondering about this concept of 'love and destiny'. My cousin is getting married 2wks from today. I know her story. I know her history with men in general and with this man she's going to spend the rest of her life with. Since I do know all that, I do believe that this man is actually the one. I know what they've sacrificed to be together. They spent YEARS half a country apart, dated other people and had given up on finding love. Then love brought them back together. I LOVE their story. I admire it. I even envy it. I believe in it whole heartedly. So I guess it does happen. I just haven't gotten to it yet for myself.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Willing to Jump...
I've always been someone who lacks clarity and direction. Of course, the times people in my life have attempted to guide me in any direction, I always went the opposite way. I guess I always believed that even in taking the path I chose myself I would end up happy, content and feel an abundance of love and satisfaction with my life. I always believed that living without definity to my expectations would lead me to a place of extreme happiness. This isn't to say that I don't believe life is what we make it and that we possess some control over our destiny. We obviously make certain choices that impact our life in big ways and we all deal with unforseeable strife's the best we know how. What I'm talking about are the things we don't control. The things that just fall into our lives. Things such as friends and love. The place our passions lie in our work and the unexpected ways in which we discover these things.
After racking my brain for quite some time trying to find the words to say what I am really feeling here, I finally found solace in a Randy Pausch quote. (Those of you that don't know who Randy is, I suggest finding out and reading his Last Lecture. Or watching it. It was viral on YouTube some years ago.)
“Follow your passions, believe in karma, and you won't have to chase your dreams, they will come to you.” (Randy Pausch 2007)
I have been struggling to decide what I want to do with my life. Going back to school sits in my head, not because I necessarily WANT to go to school, but because it seems like the right thing to do. The problem is, I hate sitting in class. I hate being lectured. I get bored sooooo quickly in that type of setting. I am definitely a kinesthetic learner. Maybe I suffer from some minor sort of ADD but I go absolutely bonkers if I have to sit in one place too long.
Its a miracle I survived the minor stint I did behind a desk. I was there precisely one winter and the follwing spring before I quit for something more hands on. I made great money there and they offerend all the grown up benefits-full medical, dental, vision, 401k. Shit. They even offered insurance for your dog or cat. I got bonuses each pay check for performing over what was expected of me. I hated the job though. There is nothing more boring that entering information into a computer for 8 hours straight. And forget about the days I worked overtime. I wanted desperately to kill myself on more than one occasion.
I thought once I had kids that being a stay at home mom and wife was going to be the thing that made me happy. And being the mom did and still does. As much as I despise housework, it was a small price to pay for the joy of being home with my kids all day, watching all 3 of them start walking, hearing the first time they said 'momma' and later 'love you'. I got to spend my days outside in the spring, summer and fall. I had a garden. I got to spend time practicing my favorite hobby-cooking. I woke up to their sweet faces every morning, ran to their calls for comfort in the middle of the night and when they were sick, my lap was the only place they wanted to be. That last part is still true. It was the wife part that didn't work out so well. I wanted to be someone's wife. Loved. Partnered with. We all know how that ended.
So now here I am. Back to work. Not wanting to wait tables the rest of my life, but I like my job. I enjoy being there. I despised bartending when I first started it. Now I thouroughly enjoy it and look forward to the one shift a week I get to be back there. I don't know if this is a place where I will move up and better my life. I do know that right now, it's all I have. I feel like this job found me. It's funny, but it's something I WANT to do well at. Something I actually care about when I walk into work everyday. While I know I'll never get rich doing it, that isn't something I ever really needed. I, like most other moms, just want to provide for my family a comfortable and sustaining lifestyle.
As I have opportunites opening up to me, I am petrified. I don't want to fail, but I know that if I don't throw my sheballs out there with the risk of losing them completely, I will never go anywhere. Ever. I definitely don't want that. I don't want my kids to see me the way I see me right now. I want them to respect the choices I've made and see the fight that I know I posess in me somewhere. I just have to find confindence, which is something I lack. It's building, though, with help from the few people that believe in me and my ability to succeed.
I think that a lot of my 'belief that things will work out' mentality comes more from a deep seeded lack of confidence. It's more of a 'fear that I will completely fail and be humiliated' mentality. I think in the past it has kept me from even trying. Fear is a funny thing like that. It can take over who you thought you were and break you down into someone you never knew even lived inside of you. It was real easy to live that way when I had a husband to hide behind. His income to fall back on. I no longer have that, so I need to really man-up here. Even if I fail, I will know it wasn't because I was too afraid to try. Sometimes it's just a leap of faith. But you have to be willing to jump.
After racking my brain for quite some time trying to find the words to say what I am really feeling here, I finally found solace in a Randy Pausch quote. (Those of you that don't know who Randy is, I suggest finding out and reading his Last Lecture. Or watching it. It was viral on YouTube some years ago.)
“Follow your passions, believe in karma, and you won't have to chase your dreams, they will come to you.” (Randy Pausch 2007)
I have been struggling to decide what I want to do with my life. Going back to school sits in my head, not because I necessarily WANT to go to school, but because it seems like the right thing to do. The problem is, I hate sitting in class. I hate being lectured. I get bored sooooo quickly in that type of setting. I am definitely a kinesthetic learner. Maybe I suffer from some minor sort of ADD but I go absolutely bonkers if I have to sit in one place too long.
Its a miracle I survived the minor stint I did behind a desk. I was there precisely one winter and the follwing spring before I quit for something more hands on. I made great money there and they offerend all the grown up benefits-full medical, dental, vision, 401k. Shit. They even offered insurance for your dog or cat. I got bonuses each pay check for performing over what was expected of me. I hated the job though. There is nothing more boring that entering information into a computer for 8 hours straight. And forget about the days I worked overtime. I wanted desperately to kill myself on more than one occasion.
I thought once I had kids that being a stay at home mom and wife was going to be the thing that made me happy. And being the mom did and still does. As much as I despise housework, it was a small price to pay for the joy of being home with my kids all day, watching all 3 of them start walking, hearing the first time they said 'momma' and later 'love you'. I got to spend my days outside in the spring, summer and fall. I had a garden. I got to spend time practicing my favorite hobby-cooking. I woke up to their sweet faces every morning, ran to their calls for comfort in the middle of the night and when they were sick, my lap was the only place they wanted to be. That last part is still true. It was the wife part that didn't work out so well. I wanted to be someone's wife. Loved. Partnered with. We all know how that ended.
So now here I am. Back to work. Not wanting to wait tables the rest of my life, but I like my job. I enjoy being there. I despised bartending when I first started it. Now I thouroughly enjoy it and look forward to the one shift a week I get to be back there. I don't know if this is a place where I will move up and better my life. I do know that right now, it's all I have. I feel like this job found me. It's funny, but it's something I WANT to do well at. Something I actually care about when I walk into work everyday. While I know I'll never get rich doing it, that isn't something I ever really needed. I, like most other moms, just want to provide for my family a comfortable and sustaining lifestyle.
As I have opportunites opening up to me, I am petrified. I don't want to fail, but I know that if I don't throw my sheballs out there with the risk of losing them completely, I will never go anywhere. Ever. I definitely don't want that. I don't want my kids to see me the way I see me right now. I want them to respect the choices I've made and see the fight that I know I posess in me somewhere. I just have to find confindence, which is something I lack. It's building, though, with help from the few people that believe in me and my ability to succeed.
I think that a lot of my 'belief that things will work out' mentality comes more from a deep seeded lack of confidence. It's more of a 'fear that I will completely fail and be humiliated' mentality. I think in the past it has kept me from even trying. Fear is a funny thing like that. It can take over who you thought you were and break you down into someone you never knew even lived inside of you. It was real easy to live that way when I had a husband to hide behind. His income to fall back on. I no longer have that, so I need to really man-up here. Even if I fail, I will know it wasn't because I was too afraid to try. Sometimes it's just a leap of faith. But you have to be willing to jump.
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