Irish Pride...

Pride is a funny thing. I will spare you Webster's definition, mostly because I think if you have a strong sense of it, then you already know what I'm talking about. I have a hard time swallowing my pride and when I feel my sense of pride is being threatened, I tend to get very defensive...and I cry.

Today I had to go into the Department of Health Services and apply for medical assistance and...>>>swallow<<<...food stamps. I could have had my husband go do it. I could have lugged all three of my kids in there with me as a ploy to attract a sympathetic case worker. I chose to go alone. My thought was it would make the trip quicker and the less time I had to sit in an office where everyone around me knows why I am there then the better for my pride.

I had to wait for about 20 minutes before I could be seen, even though there wasn't anyone else waiting when I got there. By the time the case worker called my name there were maybe 7 or 8 people waiting. As I expected, the case worker was all business. No friendly smile, no sympathy for the situation my family is in, not even a  "How 'bout them Bears?!". She went through the application, took my information-all without ever making eye contact with me. She then asked, what I assume is a standard question asked to all applicants, "Do you need family planning assistance, ie-birth control?" I responded that no, I did not. She then, for the first time during the interview, looked up from her computer, looked me in the eye and said, "Ya sure?"

After I decked her in the nose...I mean, after I cleared my throat, I said, "No, my husband and I both took measures to ensure we wouldn't be having more children after our third child was born with a heart condition." And you will not believe the response I received after that.Without missing a beat and without breaking eye contact she says, "Who's paying for that?"

I was so angry, I was speechless. The latter of those two doesn't happen too often. I took a breath, smiled and said, "He's currently healthy". We finished the interview and she continued her rudeness- though from then on it was really just her demeanor, meaning she stuck to the questions on the application and kept her eyes on the computer. She informed me I had 24 hours to turn in the required documentation to the office and that she "simply wouldn't be able to get to" my case until Thursday at the earliest. I thanked her, smiled and left.

I got as far as the parking lot before the tears poured from my eyes.

Like I said, pride is a funny thing. If it weren't for the 3 precious babies that give me a reason to smile each and everyday, I never would have been able to walk in that office and would have rather gone hungry. Fave Cousin wanted to call the office and raise hell. I probably should have let her, though I doubt it would make any difference. My mom tells me I deserve the benefits of a system she, my dad and my husband and I have spent years paying into. That it was a system started to help people in my situation-out of work and just trying to scrape by. That the reason it is so corrupted is the outrageous number of people that have abused and manipulated it. She told me to hold my head high. Of course that is easier said than done sometimes.

I don't want anything more than to provide basic needs for my family. I'm not sure why God has given me some of the struggles He has. All I know is it is up to me how I react to them. If that means swallowing my pride, holding my head high and walking into the public aid office so my kids can have food and medical coverage, then that's what I'll do. Even if I have to cry in the parking lot later.

Annoyed and somewhat philosophical...all at once...

So, this blog has no sense of direction. I'm ok with that because I don't know where I'm going. There are a few things I do know, though. Here's my list. And, I will say in advance to Fave Cousin and JMK, I love you both. Ya'll are just crazier than me!

Football may just be the dumbest sport in the world. Really. But I know this-the Bears rock. The Packers, Vikes and Patriots are NEVER to be rooted for. Bear down!

Never love something that is replaceable. If you do, than you never loved it anyway. So stop frontin'.

Tom Brady is fat. And probably blind.

Glen Beck is NOT the devil. And in my experience, the people I hear spewing bogus comments about him, have never actually taken the time to WATCH a show, LISTEN to a show and HEAR what he's saying. So don't form an opinion until you can honestly state the FACTS of both sides. And with that said, I don't care which side holds the house, so long as Pelosi is kicked to the curb. The woman "smiles" all the time. That much plastic surgery requires artificial tears, which is why she doesn't cry. FACT.

Eating 4 cream cheese stuffed jalepeno peppers all by yourself will light your ass on fire. I'm not being crude, its simply the truth.

God loves you no matter what you do. And it doesn't matter WHAT you do, it matters WHO you are. So all these people that are worried about attaining enough "points" to go to heaven need to slow their roll and take stock in WHO they are.  I think they will find they've spent too much time worrying about the WHAT and not enough time worrying about the WHO.

Take care of your siblings. They are the only ones you have. And while you may have chosen different ones, given the option, these are the ones God gave you. So let them make poor choices. Let them think they are smarter than they are. After all, you didn't learn everything you know by taking the route someone else planned for you, did you?

Espresso is delicious. It MAY be the devil's heroin. But it is a necessity of life. Don't deprive me. I get cranky.

There is no way to simply root for Chicago baseball. PICK. A. TEAM. Us real fans do NOT take lightly to your fair-weather tendencies and we do NOT find it cute. (By the way, I bleed blue and no, I don't have much acceptance for anyone that does not!)

Kids grow up too quickly. LIFE goes by to quickly. One day you are 13 years old, playing basketball on the town traveling team and you think THAT will be your life. The next day you have a newborn baby and 5 minutes go by and you have 3! One day you find yourself watching your dad, who was strong as an ox, leave the life he so often seemed afraid to LIVE and go to a place where he will really LIVE forever.


So, I guess my point may be this: Learn to let things go. Love without reservations. Find God, if you haven't. Love Him, if you don't. Find a way to cherish the life you have, even if it isn't what you ever thought it would be. You are here for a reason. Be who you are and spend less time being who you think others want you to be. In the words of a good friend, (kind of), "You never know the legacy you could leave through your children...their children and so on."

Stuck In A Rut...

I am stuck in a rut. This happens to me this time of year. My dad use to tell me to pop it into 4x4 and climb the hell out. So it doesn't surprise me when this is the advice I get from all my 4x4 enthusiast friends. I remind them, gone are my days of muddin'. I traded the Jeep in for a minivan when I discovered I was expecting my third (and final!) baby.

I don't have ANY energy. I don't sleep well at night, I toss and turn, as soon as I am almost out a kid comes and wakes me up, my husband's snoring wakes me up or the alarm clock goes off and I have to get up anyway. Then if it is a Monday, Wednesday or Friday, 2 of my kids have preschool so we are driving the 45 minutes to and from school. If it is Tuesday or Thursday, then I would normally do housework, play games with the kids, read books with them, color...play outside if it's spring or summer (I hate the cold with a passion and getting me out in the snow, even with my precious babies, takes a miracle). When I am stuck in a rut, the housework sits, my kids get bored and I never change out of my pajamas from the night before.

Then it gets worse. The guilt of leaving my kids to entertain themselves (or worse, leaving the tv in charge) while I wallow in depression only deepens the rut. Then it becomes almost impossible to climb out of. My husband says its ok to have days like this. My mom agrees. I just feel like I have more days 'like this' than should be allowed.

It is the lack of energy that really amazes me. Most days I struggle just to keep my eyes OPEN. Maybe part of it is that I keep my thermostat set at 62 since hubby became unemployed. I think we're all suffering from hypothermia!

I am ready for the spring. Or a vacation to a place with warmth and sunshine. That might just be what it takes to climb the hell outta this one.  Since that won't be happening anytime soon, I'm sure I'll kick it. I may just need someone to pull me out this time.