Perpetually Unsatisfied...

Satisfaction-Fulfillment of one's wishes, expectations, or needs, or the pleasure derived from this.

I started a post recently that I never published about the perpetually miserable people of the world. I have never considered myself a miserable person. I find joy in most every part of life and while I have had enough of my own crap to deal with, as we all do, I tend to find the silver lining. Granted I haven't always been like this. I was once a teenager. I attribute my coming around simply to coming of age.

That said...there are people out there that are miserable and while I feel badly, I know they create their own misery. What about those of us that simply wish for more? Those of us that feel life has so much to offer and we want to soak up every ounce of it, even if it means missing out on something that could be lasting and indefintely fullfilling?

I think that there is a huge difference in being miserable and being unsatisfied. I feel I am one of God's favorites. His perpetually unsatisfied. I believe my dad was, too, and I have a few friends that I think fit into this category as well. I don't think this means we are eternally unsatisfied because we have a "the grass is greener on the other side" attitude about things. I think it stems more from a place that believes life has more to give us than we've been able to find. And that is what the search is all about.

I think the people like me are the people that have always, as long as can be remembered, had a void in their soul. One that has always been very much felt. The question that has been burning in my mind lately is not WHAT fills that void-I think it can be a number of things; a relationship, a job, a hobby...anything, but what I want to know is HOW to fill the void. I thought it could be done by taking risks, living life and experiencing pain. I still believe these are all steps in the process. But what else? Is there more? Is that void capable of being filled at all or is it an endless, exhausting journey that leaves us forever perpetually unsatisfied? I wonder if the satisfaction we seek is found after death. But that is an entirely different level of questioning that I'm not ready to delve into quite yet.

For now...I need to choose a career path.

Suggestions?

Dear Husband,

Yes, I still refer to you as Husband here. I tucked our baby's into bed tonight and as I kissed each of their beautiful heads all I saw was you. Emma's attitude and ability to stab with her tongue comes from you. Her random sweetness when she says things like, "Momma, you're my destiny", also comes from you. She's inquisitive...never misses a thing. And ballsy. That is aaaaallll me.


Ryan's inability to communicate comes from you. His way of venting frustration, hurt and anger; the very way he FEELS life is from me. It amazes me that our two biggest battles with each other completely make up his way of doing things.

Logey. He sleeps like me, he thinks like me, his sarcasm, humor and love of life comes from me. I know this. But I'll be God damned if that boy has a single feature that makes him look anything like me. He is olive toned and looks like a freaking Mexican come July. He gets that from you. He sleeps like me-on his belly, one leg up, clutching his pillow...he snores like you.

I'm sad that our marriage didn't last. I'm so happy we loved enough to create these three little people together, though. They are so amazing and they remind me in the ways they're like you, why I fell in love with you all those years ago. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I miss the way you hugged me. I always felt so safe in those moments. Sometimes I can't believe we're really divorced. I think about the things I miss about you, though. And everything I miss is the friendship we had. We never had a great marriage...we lacked so much in that. We had a friendship. A really good one. That's what I miss. You really were my best friend for over a decade.

The last thing dad said to me before he died was, "Life has a funny way of working out, KB". Remember? And he told you, "Do right by those kids, Pat". I think both those things are coming to fruition. I just wish it was easier.

A Random Moment of Clarity...

A lot of people seem to think that the key to healing after a major life event is finding reason for and place to throw blame. I don't think this at all. While I am fully aware of my husband's shortcomings in our marriage, its my own I am trying to recognize, accept and change from. I believe a large part of healing is learning to accept your faults and flaws and learn to love yourself despite them. Possibly because of them. Most certainly the final stage is learning from the mistakes and then making the necessary changes to become a fuller, wiser, more characteristically reliable person because of them.

Shit I'll Never Do...Otherwiwse Known As A Bucket List To All You "Shiny" People Out There...

A work in progress, as I assume most bucket list's are over the course of a lifetime.

1. Complete a marathon
2. Learn to sail and then sail to the Mediterranean and spend an undetermined amount of time living on my  boat over there.
3. Travel. All over. A few places include: Ireland, Germany, Alaska, Japan, Hawaii, remote islands of the Caribbean.
4. Swim with Great Whites. In a cage, duh. 
5. Oh and if it can be with the SharkMen, even better. Also want to do the research they do. It is just so damn cool.
6. Inspire at least one of my kids to do something exceptional with their life.
7. Learn to shoot a handgun with amazing accuracy and look fantastically sexy while doing so. Like in a leather body suit with thigh high boots. I realize this last part may be impossible, but a girl can wish!
8. Live on a beach for the majority of my years. Which probably means I should move...yesterday. So I guess this one is not happening, but whatever. I still want to live on the beach. For a long time. In fact, it is most definitely the place I wish to die. Probably on one of the beaches I discover completing number 2.
9. Open and run a successful 'mom and pop' restaurant. I will have one or two house specialties, but my main menu will be, "Take it or leave it". I will decide daily what I will be serving. Hopefully people will find the idea clever and unique and not actually leave it...leaving me bankrupt and suicidal.
10. Attend culinary school. This has nothing to do with number 9. Its just something I really want to do.
11. Find a man that loves me in the way I know I need to be loved. Or not. I'm not committing this to being something I truly want to happen. I don't know. Don't ask me.
12. A bucket list is a list of things one wishes to do before one dies, correct? The term 'things' is used very loosely, I would assume? So for the 'thing' filling spot 12? Mike Rowe. You saw that one comin', huh?
13. Bake a cake. Perfectly. Lemon flavored.
14. Drive an Indy car. 
15. Visit all 50 states. 
16. Drive old Route 66.
17.  Eat a meal prepared by Anthony Bourdain. I love him. And I don't give a rat's ass what you think about it!
18. Graduate college.
19. Take a cross country road trip. By myself. 
20. See a baseball game in the Green Monster. It won't be there forever!
21. Stay at the Palmer House and the Drake in the winter. Then lay in bed all day and order one of everything off the room service menu.
22. Chase a tornado. Even though they terrify me.
23. Learn to cut hair...well.
24. Drastically change my hair color and live as a blonde and a red head for a few months each. 
25. Invent teleportation. I'm this||close. Seriously.
26. Meet my top 5 favorite Tweeters all at once. THAT will be a party of truly epic proportions.
27. Skip every holiday for a year. At least Christmas and Thanksgiving. Travel somewhere exotic instead...like a Peruvian jungle or some shit like that.

Independence!...

Every once in a while someone comes into your life and the time they spend there, however brief it may be, changes you. I think a large part of our existence is learning when to recognize these occurences so that one day when the right person comes into our life, we grab on and don't let them go. My prayer for myself is that I can let go and get out of my head so I recognize that.

Happy Independence Day, bitches. I know I am celebrating mine!