Dear Husband,

Yes, I still refer to you as Husband here. I tucked our baby's into bed tonight and as I kissed each of their beautiful heads all I saw was you. Emma's attitude and ability to stab with her tongue comes from you. Her random sweetness when she says things like, "Momma, you're my destiny", also comes from you. She's inquisitive...never misses a thing. And ballsy. That is aaaaallll me.


Ryan's inability to communicate comes from you. His way of venting frustration, hurt and anger; the very way he FEELS life is from me. It amazes me that our two biggest battles with each other completely make up his way of doing things.

Logey. He sleeps like me, he thinks like me, his sarcasm, humor and love of life comes from me. I know this. But I'll be God damned if that boy has a single feature that makes him look anything like me. He is olive toned and looks like a freaking Mexican come July. He gets that from you. He sleeps like me-on his belly, one leg up, clutching his pillow...he snores like you.

I'm sad that our marriage didn't last. I'm so happy we loved enough to create these three little people together, though. They are so amazing and they remind me in the ways they're like you, why I fell in love with you all those years ago. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I miss the way you hugged me. I always felt so safe in those moments. Sometimes I can't believe we're really divorced. I think about the things I miss about you, though. And everything I miss is the friendship we had. We never had a great marriage...we lacked so much in that. We had a friendship. A really good one. That's what I miss. You really were my best friend for over a decade.

The last thing dad said to me before he died was, "Life has a funny way of working out, KB". Remember? And he told you, "Do right by those kids, Pat". I think both those things are coming to fruition. I just wish it was easier.