When my dad was alive I talked to him almost every day. Sometimes multiple times a day, should my friends do something ridiculously stupid, my professor say something ridiculously stupid, I do something ridiculously stupid, my kids do something ridiculously cute, or some annual bullshit occur that he and I seemed to be the only people in existence that saw some sort of stupidity in. Once he died, I called his voicemail every 23 minutes or so, just to hear his voice on the message. In the months and years following his death, I would call to hear his voice and leave a message when one of the kids did something I knew he would be elated to be a part of. I called and left messages when I knew he would be elated to hear I took a stand in my life and made choices I knew he would either be proud of or, in some occasions, saddened by. As the years passed, I would call only at the times that occurred where he and I had shared a private, personal love or hatred of something. These were annual things...conversations we had, almost scripted, every year...they went something like this...
The first snow
"Dad. It's fucking snowing."
Bags are already packed.
"Where are we going this year?"
Aruba, Jamaica, oooooh I wanna take you...
"What about Bermuda or the Bahamas?"
Wherever you want, KB.
"Dad. I HATE the fucking snow. I hate it. Can we leave today? Please?"
Yep. You and me, honey. Let's leave.
"I love you, daddy."
I know, baby.
"Just a box on a bridge, like Skink."
Box on a bridge, KB.
Or when it got really hot
"Dad. It's fucking HOT out there. Like, if I had balls, I'd have serious swamp ass kind of HOT."
You're my daughter. So. Completely. My daughter.
"I don't know what the means. I think my daughter won't survive this heat. Should I take her to the emergency room? What if her heart stops? What if she is MY daughter and she can't take this heat, passes out, and her heart quits working???"
For Cry-yi, KB, she isn't a broken baby
"Nooooo, but her heart is, Dad. She is my daughter and I am yours. We were, sad as it is, born with broken hearts."
......
.....
"Dad, do you think that is why you and me and people like us are here? To live our lives to heal our already broken hearts? If that's the case then why has He made my life so. Fucking. Heartbreaking.?"
You're more of train wreck than I am, sometimes.
"Fuck you, too!"
Honey, those questions are ones you know I can't answer. What I know is you were given to me and you were the best gift I ever received. You make my life worth living.
"I know, Daddy. I'm a parent now, too."
Or when it was New Year's Eve, every year, from the time I was old enough to NOT spend it with my parents
Happy New Year, KB! What are you doing?
>me, doing some underage or illegal activity< "Oh, not much! Just...eating some pizza! Happy New Years, Daddy!"
You know you're the first person I wish a happy new year to every year?
"I know, Dad."
You've been my first wish for a good year for >15, 16, 17, 18, 19....< years. Since the very first one we had! You're my favorite part of the year."
"Dad, it's really loud here...I love you, too! Goodnight!"
I look at those conversations now and the flaws that we had and I know he was the most influential person in my life. I love that I can remember those things. I wonder, sometimes, if my brother and sister have memories like that with him. I hope they do.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
Sooooooo....I'm annoyed with life. Go Figure.
When girls are young they dream about Prince Charming and romance and love and being romanced. They watch Disney movies and think about those stories being their life one day. They want those things, And then I think those people end up married to...freakishly...odd men that molest dogs for fun or they marry men under the auspice of believing they will miraculously change and become the Prince Charming they always wanted. I was NEVER that little girl. I wanted to work on cars, Then I wanted to be a neuro surgeon. Then I decided I wasn't smart enough to do that and thought cardiology would be much more suiting. Then I realized how intricate that was and knew I was never smart enough for that, but still wanted to be a doctor and thought, well, I can deliver babies. Then I realized doing that meant that sometimes babies die and there was no way my heart could ever be in it. So I gave up on college and a career and figured I would just make money out of thin air, live in a kick ass apartment downtown, date men that wined and dined me because I would be worth it and that was how I would live my life...my 20's, my 30's, my 40's...shit, I would be hot enough to make a living off that like I was Holly Golightly. And then I think I just gave up. I met a man I loved. He made me laugh, so hard, until I cried and there was no one that made me do that. He was occasionally romantic and I expected more from him than what he gave me in that aspect. It wasn't really until we were married and had 3 kids that I remembered I was going to be somebody special for someone. I was going to be the woman men fell for, not because of anything other than my brain, mind you. I was SMART. I had drive. I was something to reckon with.
I look at my life now and in my tender 29 years I see all the mistakes I made, I see them in a glaring light. There was no way I was ever going to be anything more than what I am right now. Which, is...I don't even know. Well, from an outside perspective I suppose I am a (nearly) 30 year old mother of 3 that has loved more deeply than any woman my age should, I have felt pain and suffering and loneliness just as deep and I have persevered. I guess that's what people see, only because a select few have told me as much. What I see is different. I see a girl that had dreams and goals and knew the life she would lead when she became a woman. I saw an independent-needs-no-one-because-she-is-THE-ACTUAL-SHIT kind of female. And then I sadly ended up being me. I'm ridiculously insecure. I so base my beliefs in who I am off of those that shouldn't ever have a right to judge me. I fear everything I feel. I have panic attacks when I feel anything that others might find..."too intense". I spend too much time focusing on who I can be for the people I know than I do focusing on who I actually am. I, my friends, though I hate to admit it, am a walking, talking train wreck of an individual.
I think my one and only saving grace is that I know this about myself. And I want bigger and better things. I want to believe in me the way I once did. I want to be that independent person. I spoke to my ex husband tonight and I had a plan in place for what I wanted to tell him and how I wanted to deliver the things I was saying and instead I listened to him berate me and do so with things that weren't in any way relevant and also with things that were just him rehashing a past we had that obviously didn't work for either of us. Instead of standing up to him with all the things I know I could, I let him tear me apart and tried very hard not to cry while I was on the phone with him.
I guess I really don't have a point here. If I were going to try and find one, though, I think it would be that I pray, through all of this, that I raise a daughter that is 400 times the woman I am and is exactly the woman I always wanted to be. I pray that I raise my 2 sons to be more than their father could ever imagine being for a woman. I pray that I raise my children to be all the things I ever wanted and for them to know they have a voice and they have a choice and they have opportunities. I never knew I had those things. I settled for what was because I didn't accept me as the awesome person I am.
They will be better. That is the goal, though, right? We reproduce knowing the next generation WILL be better than we were...because that IS the natural progression of things, without ANY influences, right?
In any event, someday I will find my place in this world. I will live as the person I know I am and more importantly, someone will love me for doing just that.
....and I think that's a fair assessment of what we all want at the end of the day and what most of us deserve. We all need to know we're valued in someone's life. And I'm a mom. I know what that alone gives me and gives them. What I guess I struggle with is, quite literally, EVERTHING outside being Mom. I have value beyond that. I am a person because of that, but also, without that.
Some might find that terrible. I think it's completely normal. I know it is. Because, why do so many people get married due to the fact that they had sex and are now going to be parents? Any why do so many people STAY married, due to the fact that they have kids? Kids are our reason to breathe. Parents know this. But we are people, too.
Anyway, those are my thoughts right now. As per the norm, love them or hate them. But that's how I feel right now.
I look at my life now and in my tender 29 years I see all the mistakes I made, I see them in a glaring light. There was no way I was ever going to be anything more than what I am right now. Which, is...I don't even know. Well, from an outside perspective I suppose I am a (nearly) 30 year old mother of 3 that has loved more deeply than any woman my age should, I have felt pain and suffering and loneliness just as deep and I have persevered. I guess that's what people see, only because a select few have told me as much. What I see is different. I see a girl that had dreams and goals and knew the life she would lead when she became a woman. I saw an independent-needs-no-one-because-she-is-THE-ACTUAL-SHIT kind of female. And then I sadly ended up being me. I'm ridiculously insecure. I so base my beliefs in who I am off of those that shouldn't ever have a right to judge me. I fear everything I feel. I have panic attacks when I feel anything that others might find..."too intense". I spend too much time focusing on who I can be for the people I know than I do focusing on who I actually am. I, my friends, though I hate to admit it, am a walking, talking train wreck of an individual.
I think my one and only saving grace is that I know this about myself. And I want bigger and better things. I want to believe in me the way I once did. I want to be that independent person. I spoke to my ex husband tonight and I had a plan in place for what I wanted to tell him and how I wanted to deliver the things I was saying and instead I listened to him berate me and do so with things that weren't in any way relevant and also with things that were just him rehashing a past we had that obviously didn't work for either of us. Instead of standing up to him with all the things I know I could, I let him tear me apart and tried very hard not to cry while I was on the phone with him.
I guess I really don't have a point here. If I were going to try and find one, though, I think it would be that I pray, through all of this, that I raise a daughter that is 400 times the woman I am and is exactly the woman I always wanted to be. I pray that I raise my 2 sons to be more than their father could ever imagine being for a woman. I pray that I raise my children to be all the things I ever wanted and for them to know they have a voice and they have a choice and they have opportunities. I never knew I had those things. I settled for what was because I didn't accept me as the awesome person I am.
They will be better. That is the goal, though, right? We reproduce knowing the next generation WILL be better than we were...because that IS the natural progression of things, without ANY influences, right?
In any event, someday I will find my place in this world. I will live as the person I know I am and more importantly, someone will love me for doing just that.
....and I think that's a fair assessment of what we all want at the end of the day and what most of us deserve. We all need to know we're valued in someone's life. And I'm a mom. I know what that alone gives me and gives them. What I guess I struggle with is, quite literally, EVERTHING outside being Mom. I have value beyond that. I am a person because of that, but also, without that.
Some might find that terrible. I think it's completely normal. I know it is. Because, why do so many people get married due to the fact that they had sex and are now going to be parents? Any why do so many people STAY married, due to the fact that they have kids? Kids are our reason to breathe. Parents know this. But we are people, too.
Anyway, those are my thoughts right now. As per the norm, love them or hate them. But that's how I feel right now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)