And so my middle child turned 4 today. I feel he has been the most cheated. From what I hear this is typical for middle children. He was just 3 months old when I became pregnant with my youngest. I feel the distraction of being pregnant, the timing of it all, made his baby time less clear to me. He was a beautiful baby, as all my kids were of course. I remember with him in particular, our pediatrician telling me during a regular check-up, that Ryan could be a Gerber baby and then looking at me and saying, "I see a LOT of babies. I have 5 of my own. He is TRULY gorgeous." He really is.
He starts his 2nd year of pre-school at 9:15 tomorrow morning. I am excited for him. He is such a stubborn child. He does things his way. It doesn't matter what anyone tells him the outcome will be. He gets frustrated easily. He tells me often I am the most beautiful momma he has. He believe it, too. He is considerate to his siblings, even when they don't deserve it. He LOVES cars, trucks, tractors, trailers, boats, wave runners...it has a motor he LOVES it. Gets that from his daddy and Papa.
I am so not prepared to be the mother of a kindergartner, a pre-schooler and a toddler. Whoa. Life happened awful quickly for me. I need some time for it to slow down. Re-group. Re-formulate. Especially with the marital affairs taking place.
I recently posted a very heartfelt blog post regarding the marital affairs and later deleted it because I believe it caused my husband a lot of pain. I know my choice has cause him a lot of pain and will continue to do so until he can realize it is what is right for me is right for our kids as well. I cannot have my daughter growing up believing un-happiness is normal. In the same respect I cannot have my sons growing up believing the way they see their father "appreciating" me is an acceptable way to treat a woman. I don't believe life doesn't have its challenges, marriage is a breeze and everything turns up daisies, but for the love of God what does a woman have to do to be heard? To be given flowers? To be made to feel like her existence is almost too much for a man to handle? I do not believe these are unreal expectations when you're talking marriage, folks!!!
So, I am feeling...different...as my son starts his 2nd (he will have to also have a 3rd year of pre-school because I failed to meet the Sept. 1st deadline with my delivery of him) year of pre-school. I want him to learn. I want him to expand his imagination. I want him and my other 2 kids to feel that everyday is truly a gift and if we can spend it making our dreams more of a realization while pleasing the people we love than it is a day well spent in God's eyes, our lives and our health.
Happy Birthday, Ryan. The day you were born I called my OB with a headache, sinus infection and general shitty disposition on life! She asked me to come in to be checked and told me I was dilated 6cm with you and if I made it across the street to the hospital without my water breaking it'd be a miracle. I did make it. She broke my water and a couple hours later you entered your dad's and my life. We love you. So much. That day was also the first day I saw my dad in over 6 months. He was sober, 4 months. You have a sobriety coin from him in your bank. You, Emma and Momma gave him a life he never knew existed.
We love you, Big Bubs.
Always Yours,
Momma (and Daddy)
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