She Balls Make Me Awesome...

So recently I received a phone call from a man I have known since I was probably about 7 or 8 years old. My dad met him when we first moved to IL and had started a new job here. His wife, JMK (whom I always treated me like a 'grown-up' and I love her so very dearly for that) and their 2 kids quickly became family to mine.  As a kid I spent A LOT of time at their house with my family. I don't recall what year it was, but they moved about 3 hours away at some point and we saw them less and less until eventually, as often happens, we lost track of each other.

When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I thought it only right to track his friend, John, down and let him know of dad's diagnosis. We spoke occasionally after that about the truth of dad's condition, as when John would talk to my dad on the phone, there was no doubt in his mind my dad wasn't letting on the full truth of the severity and aggressiveness of his disease. I think John knew I wouldn't bullshit him. When dad's cancer eventually took his life, I think it was me that called to tell John and Joanie, but in all honesty, I don't recall too many details about what happened the week following his death. In any event, John came up for dad's service and gave a speech that moved everyone to tears.

So, what does this sad, sappy, love-filled story have to do with big, brass, balls, you ask? Well, if you knew my dad, and in particular if you watched him suffer through the cancer and not ONCE complain, you would know he had manly cajones. No doubt. Maybe stainless-steel ones at that. If you didn't know my dad, but you know a member of the Patterson clan, you are familiar with the kind of strength and courage I am referring to. We're a tough, badass bunch of m-effers because we have to be. Life hasn't always been kind to us, but like John told me last week, " Life is about taking shit . And learning how to put up with it and know you're better than that." And he's right. Life is definitely about taking shit and learning from it.


Going through the divorce process, trying to be true to myself and trying like hell to be as fair and kind as I can to my husband in the process (because I am first to admit, the last 2 months haven't been at all fair or kind to him and I think he's doing the best he can to deal, though he is currently behaving like a real ass like a man that's hurt and lashing out) is causing me to question the size, weight and chemical make-up of my female cajones. I am hurting. I have been hurting for a long time. The decision to divorce my husband alleviated a lot of that hurt I had been feeling for so long. This hurt right now is a different kind of hurt and I think unless you have been in a position like mine you can't relate. You won't understand. I really don't expect anyone to understand and as my pastor and friend recently told me, what you or anyone else thinks about me isn't my business. That said...my big brass balls have shrunk a bit. 


Knowing I have been a bit of a whiny, sissy, baby as of late, I was delightfully surprised and appreciative when my phone rang last week and I heard John's voice on the other end. Our conversation went something like this, and forgive the language, but us badass m-effers curse like truckers...ya know, cause that's what badass m-effers do and stuff.


Me: Hello?
John: What the hell is going on? Are you going soft on me? Don't go soft on me. 
Me: Well, ya know, I'm a little stressed out right now, dude! I know I'm being a whiny bitch!
John: You are hardcore. Don't lose that edge! Stay tough. 
Me: I'm trying, I'm trying. This stuff is tough, though and I feel like I am losing it!
John: I'd tell ya to grow a pair, but you've got the biggest ones on any girl I know.
Me >>>laughing boisterously<<<: OK. I'll get my shit together.


We talked for a few more minutes and then hung up. His phone call was exactly what I needed to remember where I get my strength and courage from.  And even if I don't like running in the cold, wet, wind and rain, I still have the biggest, heaviest, brassiest she-balls around, damnit.