I have a tendency to completely self destruct when all aspects of my life go to fucking Hell and I have ZERO control over any of it OR the part I can control is a horribly difficult choice I don't want to make. Which is kind of the position I am in now. And when I say "self destruct", I mean it in the most obvious terms possible. I drink too much, I don't sleep enough, I so predictably destroy relationships with everyone I love. I turn off the world because I can't turn off my head. I get stuck in there. And its scary.
A decade ago, the me that was, would have come home tonight, drank until I couldn't stand straight and swallowed as many sleeping pills as I could fit in my mouth without choking. Then I'd pray I never woke up. I put my ex husband through that a few times with different variations, but always the same intended result. He was amazing to continue loving me all those dark years. I don't think he knows the appreciation I have for that, probably because I doubt I ever voiced it the way I should have.
Somehow, over the years, I've found a way to mostly deal with it. Reflecting on it, I know part of how I do that is to not deal with it at all. I put things out of my head. I've learned to comparmentalize. I've learned to control my head just enough to survive, even if it means barely treading water more often than I want. The thing I haven't perfected is not showing I'm drowning. No matter how I try, someone always knows. And I hate that. That makes me vulnerable and I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone. I hurt my heart enough. I don't need others knowing they can hurt me, too.
Dealing with depression is a war I've always dealt with. My entire life. Since I was a little kid. I knew I felt things differently than others did. I just never knew what it was. As an adult I see it much more clearly and I see the way it changes me and I have learned to predict it and while my way of dealing with it might not be conventional and completely healthy, its what I have right now. I think part of me looks at it as a way to gauge how comitted the people in my life are to having me in theirs. I don't do it intentionally and I've never really thought about it until now, actually. But I think that makes sense. I see, though, the number of people I've lost over the years due to me responding poorly, due to my....fucking, fucked up head.
I think one day I'll figure it out. I think one day I'll find someone that can help me with that, and love me through it.
I remember one of the first posts I ever wrote here, regarding my now ex, husband being laid off and us struggling so, so much. Now it's me being laid off. It's me having to provide for my children. It's me wondering where their next meal is going to come from because I know the money in my checking account isn't going to feed them AND pay my rent. Or the electric. Or the phone bill. Or next years tuition. Or the movies they want to see this summer. Or the water park they're begging me to take them to. Or Six Flags, where Lou keeps asking how tall she has to be to ride the Batman coaster. All those things my babies want I can't give them because I can't even give them the things they need anymore.
Yes, I know to take it one day at a time. I know to pray and keep the faith and when one door closes another opens and all that positive thinking bullshit. I know it's not all bullshit. None of that brings me even a moments peace of mind when I look at the pile of bills I haven't paid in months though.
Don't worry, though. I'll keep my chin up, stay the strong woman that is my father's daughter and muscle through it. Or whatever other cliche you wish to throw my way regarding perserverance. I always do. It amazes me, really, the faith God must have in me. I occasionally question the pretty solid belief I have in Him, when I am really having a difficult time trusting Him. I think by handing me the things He does, He is constantly challenging me. By doing that, I never question His love for me. I believe the ones he loves the most, His 'favorites' are given the most winding, brush ridden paths. But that's a whole 'nother drama.
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