I've hit that weird place recently where I sometimes fall and cannot get myself out of (yes, I heard the old lady with the Life Alert thingy when I wrote that, too). I am currently sitting in bed and until I grabbed my laptop was staring blankly at the television which I had the Disney movie Brave playing one. Yes, I am at home, alone, in bed watching children's movies...or...staring at them blankly. Anyway, I've had a lot of...just...shit happening lately. Between work and home, it has become overwhelming. I sat and brainstormed ways I could off myself this last weekend in a way that wouldn't permanently damage my kids. The biggest pulling factor to stay alive was knowing they'd end up in full custody of my ex-husband and with the irrational choices he's been making lately, it was just too terrifying to actually go through with the crashing my car into a brick wall, or whatever other crazy ideas that crossed my mind. Then I sat and thought about ways in which I could have myself committed for something other than being a nut job, because I'm not actually bat shit crazy, I just...I'm exhausted. With everything. With life. With not knowing where my life is going. With trying to work and be a mom my kids can be proud to call so, and a daughter and an ex wife that isn't a total and utter cunt, and being a girlfriend that doesn't get terrified of all these things and then act like a passive aggressive nasty little woman even she doesn't recognize.
I don't know how to get all these things in place and lately I feel like I don't have control over any of them. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know if I even like my job, the job I so loved a year ago. I can't define the type of mom I want to be in terms specific enough for my own satisfaction. I have this idea of how I want to influence my kids and who I want to be for them, but I cannot find a way to do this for them and it MAKES. ME. CRAZY. They are only so moldable and influenced for so long before they see us as sad, old, stupid adults. I cannot lose these precious years I have with them that are quickly coming to an end.
I sadly don't care what kind of daughter or sister I am anymore because that whole...situation...infuriates me...beyond anything I could ever describe. I keep trying, so hard, to be the ex spouse I want to have as my own...but as it was in our marriage, he remains exactly the same selfish, thoughtless prick he always was and believes, somehow, the fact that he's now found another (very kind) woman to take the responsibilities he had to pick up when I left him...I can't even talk about it because the level of selfishness and stupidity he has risen to the last few weeks makes me ill.
Finally, the way TSMA and I communicate sometimes is just...it's stupid. We each have these lives we're trying to live and trying to incorporate the other into when we can and that leads us to spend time apart and when we're apart, he gets distant and I get in my head. Then I try to express my feelings without being a twat and they never come out the way I want and he gets defensive and analyzes and...it's just not good. Fortunately it doesn't happen all that frequently, but its frequent enough for me that I want to find a way for us to do this part of our relationship better. There's not a reason we can't. It's weirdly our only fault as far as coupledom goes. (Yep. We're just that awesome.)
So, I am just over life right now, as it is. It can change, it can not. I must have said the serenity prayer 123,453 times in the last week. Serenity, courage and wisdom. Yet, I still can't find a way to accept anything for what it is, I don't know how to change it and I feel like a big, dumb, fuck for that.
Oh yeah...and remember it's now winter in Chicagoland. We all know what a ray of fucking sunshine that makes me.
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