Too Late To Wait...

And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slip now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me
-Alexi Murdoch

The above are lyrics to a song from my favorite movie (or one of many), Away We Go. There is a wonderfully sentimental story I could tell you about the first time I watched this movie, alone and sobbing. Then immediately watched it again with Husband when he arrived home late that night and again, sobbed. All you really need to know is it is a movie that speaks to my heart and will forever be a favorite of mine. It is one of those movies that is made even better by a lyrically fabulous soundtrack. The lyrics posted above are ones that from that very first viewing stuck in my head.

I always felt like I was falling behind. Behind everyone. My husband, my family, my peers, co-workers, friends...everyone. That I never really fit in with any of them because I was someone that lived with her heart on her sleeve. I felt everything, right there, on the surface. I was emotional. Passionate. I have become much more guarded over the years for various reasons. There is a very thick wall around my heart and I have no intentions of ever letting anyone break through it.

I use to pray, constantly, to God to please, please not let my husband ever leave me if I fell behind him. If I wasn't enough for him. If I became too depressed, too scared, too broken to be everything I felt he wanted me to be. "Please," I would plead, "please just let him wait for me. Wait until I can be who he wants. Don't let him stop loving me." When I came to the realization that I would never be the woman he wanted me to be and that he would never be the man I wanted him to be, it never even occurred to me that maybe, MAYBE over the years he DID see himself failing me as a man. As my husband. Maybe he was pleading, in his own way, for me to wait for him. For him to change. For him to learn to love me the way my heart needs to be loved.

Of course if he did he never communicated those wishes to me. Ever. That is one area I think he will never quite excel in- communication. I can't be sure this was ever something he felt or thought. What I do know is when he took our kids for dinner last night while I was at work, he had my car and he changed the CD in the player to the above one and to the above song. When I got in my car to take Logan to school this morning, this was the song I heard. I doubt this was intentional on his part. I don't know for sure, of course. In any event, it made me wonder. Maybe, just maybe, he has realized his faults. His shortcomings. The part his behavior towards me played in the demise of our marriage. Maybe. Maybe it wasn't just me.

Or maybe like most things in life, it was a pure coincidence.