Wow! 5 months, huh?

So it has been 5 months since I last posted. I know for my 2 followers it seems like a lifetime, huh?!

Well, I quit bloggin because I lost my internet access. Which was sad because I truly enjoy the outlet this provides me. So, "what happened?" you ask? Well my hubby was laid off last December. Since then he has been trying to make a living as being "self employed", It is far from a fail but just as far from being a success.

I started working out. Since the first week of June I have lost 20 pounds! I started at 148# (5'8") and I now weigh about 125. I. Am. Stoked! But to be honest, I am freaking sick and tired of people commenting on how "thin" or "skinny" I am and it takes every ounce of my self control (which I lack anyway) not to scream, "I'M FUCKING HEALTHY NOW, YOU ASS!!!"

Aside from weight loss I have also made some other life altering decisions that I feel will truly benefit me as a person in a positive manner. That said, my choices will, without a doubt, cause a lot of stress on myself and my family over the next few months. I will not be deterred; however, because I know in my heart and in my head that this choice is what is right for me and my children.

So, what??? you might ask is this big decision?! Unfortunately broadcasting it over the internet at this point is not okay and not what I want.

So now I am pondering what I do want with the new life I am making myself. Here are my initial thoughts:

I want my kids to be happy. Secure with me. Secure with my husband. Secure with our roles in their lives. Their happiness is, by far, my TOP priority.

I want to be happy. This is my second priority. I have spent so long trying to make others happy that I completely lost track of who I am. How I feel. What I want. Where I want to be and who I want in my life. It is actually slightly pathetic how far off track I have gotten. I have always lived as a real person with real thoughts. I have never, ever been fake. In high school a friend made me a CD titled, "For Kate. The most REAL chic I know". Silly? Maybe. But relevant to who I am? absolutely. I still talk to the guy that made me that CD, too. It amazes me that he knew then who I was.

Sigh. So...now what else? God. God led me to this very recent life change over the course of many years. Many years of pain, doubt, guilt, regret, questioning and finally, acceptance. Now, I know I will face judgment by friends, family, etc. I've already faced it by "friends". "Friends" that claim to be Christians-whom, by the way, are of the type that are often most judgmental! What I want to say to these friends is this: I have spent YEARS praying on this situation. Years. I have cried, broken, defeated, alone and asked God to guide me. Help me. Give me a SIGN. Now, signs-I don't believe in them unless I am being slapped upside the head with a Louisville Slugger. Regarding this? I feel I was.So now I'm at acceptance. Excitement for what comes next! I know the next few years will be very rocky. Very challenging. Challenge my faith. Challenge my heart. Challenge my sense of self. Challenge my sense of anything I have ever known. But I know its right. I KNOW, in the bottom of my heart, this choice is right. And that is a lot for me to say. I have made A LOT of poor choices in my life. This is honestly one of the few I feel so incredibly sure of. That's a first.

SO! You 2 followers! I will need your support. I will need your love. I will need your prayers. I will need your undying understanding of ME!

Thank you!!!