Someday...Maybe...

When @Kristin_opc first approached me about blogging I had no freaking clue what she was talking about. In fact, I'm pretty sure I made some joke to the tune of oh-you-stuttering-fool. Then she replied with something like, shut-your-freaking-pie-hole-for-2-seconds-you-beautiful-bitch. Then her fingers floated over the keyboard in a flurry of precision and up popped this beautiful page of text describing her life in detail to a public audience I never realized existed.

Now I write this ridiculous little 'blog' which is really just a place I come to blab about nothing, everything and the space in between. It is my teeny tiny sliver of WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT IT TO BE and I love the shit out of it. It is the one place I feel I can be me...or not be me...and it really doesn't matter because no one that reads this little slice of Shit-pie cares! And I love that!

Tonight my friend Mer and I went out to dinner. After dinner we went to the grocery store. We tried on little hats. Big hats. Crazy hats. We had THE. BEST. TIME. I laughed so hard I was crying. At one point we were so hysterically gasping for air in our antics that I think some fellow consumers believed we truly were in need of medical help. It was the best 30 dollars I have ever spent.

I am sure I will hear about it from my husband later, as he is the one 'working', I can't find a job and I am the one divorcing him...so he dictates what money goes where. As far as he in concerned, not a penny should be spent on my having a good time. He will read this post, or see a Tweet I made about it or some "friend" will fill him in on the simple, old-fashioned, good-natured FUN I had and he will take it upon himself to tear me down for it.

I know it was simple, easy fun. He will try and make me feel guilty for it. For going out while my children were at home, asleep, in the beds I tucked them in to before leaving any further needs of theirs to my mom. For doing something that made me laugh until my side hurt in a joyful, innocent pain...why should I feel joy after hurting him so badly? For thinking for one nano-second that life beyond my current situation could contain a shred of joviality when he had tried his damnedest to show none for any other aspect of our life.

If I hear nothing in morning texts from him it will be because he read this blog post and is looking to go against my basic expectations.

Someday, I think, he will remember me as the simple woman he fell in love with.

Someday, I think, he will remember the easy manner in which I would gently rub my feet together, against the grain of the sheets, an equal number of times before falling asleep.

Someday, he may be able to forgive me and remember the specific manner in which I fold towels before carefully stacking them in the linen closet.

Or maybe he won't. Maybe he never saw those things. Maybe he did and he hated them. Maybe the man meant to notice and adore them hasn't yet entered my life.

Maybe.

But maybe...maybe there's a lot a little bit of the right kind of love can do.