Ask not what God can do for you, but what you can do for God

I don't want to sound anything like a Kennedy, trust me...buuuuut...

I have had this topic heavy on my mind for quite some time now. I know there is a time for everything. But there is so many things I want to do and so many things I feel I need to do but I lack the means and inspiration to do them. The list of these things is long, but the one I pray on often is this:

What gift did God give ME? What is my purpose here? and Whom am I to help?

I have spent a lot of time pondering my "gift". I have absolutely zero skills. Making it through a day is a God given miracle for me. So when it comes to being gifted?!...psh...I think I missed that train!
In all seriousness, I believe God gave me a gift. I just pray it makes itself apparent to me before I die.

I assume at this point in my life my purpose here is something I may never understand in this life. I believe I was most likely put here to impact somebody's life in a way I would never see. I'm not (or to my dad, wasn't) a great daughter. I'm a good daughter, but as my life as a mother is so busy I feel more involved in my own life than I do in anyone else. I'm a decent wife (and please believe I am not just hatin' on myself here. I just have a level of expectations for each of my duties which I often fall short of-I realize that is MY issue, but I am trying to gauge myself against what I believe would be an average standard). I'm a very sub--standard mother and this is one of the topics of which I pray on and struggle to excel in.  I am an awful sibling. I'm judgmental and un-supportive of my sister. I have started to at least try on that front though. 

I just feel God's purpose for me is one that I will never know. It's not as if I am a doctor or a member of our armed forces, or involved in our church. This bother's me. I WANT some, even if minimal, sense of direction and purpose. I guess maybe I just need to remember that God does have a purpose for my time here and I may never know.

As far as the people I'm here to help? I don't know. I guess it all comes full circle in this post because I don't want to fool you-I know I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a grand-daughter...I realize that I can be exceptional at each of these things...I guess I just...need to find something that motivates me.

Every week our Pastor speaks of opportunities to get involved in our church. Not only do none of them fit my lifestyle as a mother, but NONE of them appeal to me. I feel like finding God's calling for me to serve would be like finding the man I was meant to love-I'd just know. I have yet to find it.

I am registered on the bone marrow donor list. I thought with my dad's need for blood and stem cells that this would be a place I could help someone else. It's been 2 years and I am still praying for the phone call saying I am a match.

Pray for me. Pray I find some direction, a true north. Pray God gives me guidance to raise my kids with His love in their lives and obvious in my actions and words. Pray that I can be for myself what I long to be for the people I love and the people I have yet to meet.