Just Keep Swimming...

It amazes me the link I have with my children as their mother. You always hear people talk about there being no love comparable to love a mother has for her children. You never really 'get it' though until you have your own. I love my kids so much it overwhelms me more often than not. I walked into my house last night after I got off of work and I broke down and cried. Like a LITTLE GIRL. I missed my babies. I miss them when they're not here and with my work schedule being so demanding, they're seldom here over night. I suppose I could pick them up when I get off work at night, but its always 10, 11, 12 sometimes 1am when I am leaving work and I simply don't think it good for them to be woken up, dragged to the car, driven home, carried up 3 flights of stairs and put back to bed.

So this is the sacrifice I am making right now. They are spending less time with me and me with them. That said, they are seeing their grandparents and daddy more than they ever did before and for that I think they will become very unique little people; with all the different influences they have in their lives. I guess I should be grateful that while I am working to try and make the life for us I have always wanted, they aren't staying with a stranger at a daycare facility. Now I know at some point it may come to that. When it does I will face that hurdle with the utmost care in selection process.

I am astounded daily by the way my children are growing. Not just physically, but as independent, individual little people with character and personality. I love watching them grow. Yesterday I took them to the pool at our apartment complex's clubhouse. Just the way they approached the water was so different for each of them and so comparable to the way I've seen them approach life circumstances, too.

Emma, my oldest, cautiously walked into the water and slowly down the stairs. When she got to the bottom and realized she was touching the bottom of the pool and her neck and chin were still above water, she spent the morning bouncing back and forth across the pool on her toes without fear. She knew at any moment she felt overwhelmed all she had to do was stand up and she would be safe. This is a lot how I saw her approach kindergarten this year. She started at one school in our old neighborhood and when we moved  east and she transferred schools, she did VERY well. Both times she was cautious, but curious and once she realized she was in a safe place and couldn't drown, she thrived.

Ryan, my middle boy, was a different story all together. He wasn't about to get into that pool without a hand to hold. And he straight up refused to even attempt to stand in the water because he was certain it would swallow him whole and he'd drown. He was near panic the entire time and it wasn't until we had been there for close to an hour that he relaxed and became comfortable enough to explore the water (still cautiously clinging to my neck) and eventually gained enough courage and confidence to jump from the pools edge into awaiting arms below. This is exactly how this little boy approaches life. He is NOT a fan of change and new experiences. He is very timid about new situations and has to be completely sure he will be safe before diving in. I can't say I blame him. This year has been quite tumultuous on us all.

Logan is a different story all together. My superhero lacks fear. He jumped right in! -to me, yes, but still no fear. No fear that I wouldn't catch him. Not a second thought that the water might rush up his little nose and make him cough, not a second glance at his older brother and sisters hesitation to this new adventure. He sucks up every drop of awesome that life has to offer and he seldom looks ahead past the moment hes in.

That is how I live my life now. Moment to moment. For me it isn't fearlessness. For me, its the idea that if I stop moving, stop experiencing and stop living that life will swallow me whole and I'll drown. Life is too short. I learned that the hard way and I refuse, I REFUSE, to let life pass me by. I refuse to be unhappy. I refuse to let my unhappiness influence my children. Instead, I want to pursue happiness and in that pursuit, build and develop my character and in turn influence the people my little ones will become. The irony of this all that I never saw coming though, is how much they influence me. They are turning my weaknesses slowly into my strengths. Lack of patience may be my biggest flaw, but I have more of it than I once did because of them.

Our road has been a long and hard one. Some of it chosen, most of it out of our control. We've walked it, run, tripped, fallen and every time gotten back up. I've been asked how I do it, how I continuously seem to draw the short stick and keep going. I really don't know what answer people are expecting from me, but my answer is always the same, "There isn't another option."

The biggest blessing I have been given is that of my babies and if they are all I ever do with my life, I am the richest woman in the world.

"Do not ask that your kids live up to your expectations.  Let your kids be who they are, and your expectations will be in breathless pursuit. "