Attitude...

There are all different kinds of people in this world. There are people that know what they want and are satisfied once they have it. Then there are people that think they know what they want, get it, and need more. Their wants change. Or shift. The perpetually unsatisfied, as I call them. I am of the later of the two. I got married, wanted kids, had three, was a stay-at-home-mom for 6 years, decided I had made some mistakes, took the steps to correct those mistakes and move on.

Now I am a single mom of three intelligent, funny, kind, caring, beautiful kids that, even when behaving like total asses, are the center of my universe. I now work 2 jobs outside my home. I have a man that is interested in me (and no, people, I am not ANY where near ready for anything like that. Fuck. I am still married and to a man that despite his complete failure to satisfy my needs as my husband, still holds-and most likely always will-a small piece of my heart). I've gone from being with my kids nearly 24/7, with the exception of the 2 nights a week and every other weekend they're with their daddy, to seeing them only evenings. And yes, that will change in a few weeks. While I finished training for Job1, I started training for Job2. So I am now juggling regular shifts at Job1 with the 6 day, 6 hour days, training schedule at Job2. Once training for Job2 is completed, I will only be working there 1 day a week and then working 5-6 shifts at Job1. Pair all that with the 3 kids' school schedules, finding care between their dad and my mom's work schedules and having time to feel like an individual for 5 minutes is a full time job in itself. Fuck me. Even writing about it all is exhausting.

I knew I needed change. I am happy with the changes I have made in my life. I am, for the first time in my 27+ years, hopeful for the possibility of happiness in my future. I think I now know why. For a long time I was the definition of a 'pessimist'. Then I changed. I am not entirely sure when, or how, or why. I just know I did. I kept my cynical way of viewing the world. I lost the pessimism though. I know that may be confusing. I like to think of myself as a 'cynical optimist' (yeah, I bet you like that. I coined that shit and don't forget it!). There is a sign that hangs at Job2 in 2 different places (I should probably mention that Job2 is a job I held for nearly 2 years from the time I was 18 until I was 20. Also, both of my jobs are serving positions at well known chain restaurants) and the part of this sign that has always stuck out to me reads this, "We cannot change our past. We cannot change that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have and that is our attitude." This struck me particularly hard today, for some reason.

I know the life I have chosen is once again the more difficult path. I just think some of us are cut that way. Molded to do better with harder. After all, not every woman (or man) possesses sheballs like mine. Not everyone can adapt to change easily and not everyone craves it like I do. God cut me from a different cloth, I think. And I know, and firmly believe that He will never give me more than I can handle.